Trapped in a Perfect World

BeforeThe Fence

 

 

“Inside the snow globe on my father’s desk, there was a penguin wearing a red-and-white-striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, letting all the snow collect on the top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, “Don’t worry, Susie; he has a nice life. He’s trapped in a perfect world.” ― Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

When I was a child I was trapped in a perfect world.

From the outside the life I was born into had all the appearances which the eyes of others would see with a touch of envy.

It was designed to look that way because those who created it equated envy with admiration, and admiration was the sort of attention which they desired because it nourished their need to be viewed as being better than.

From the outside people thought I was lucky.

I have had strangers walk up to me and talk to me about how blessed I was compared to them. They spoke to me about my life, who I was, all the things which I had been given and had, and how I should appreciate the abundance.

If I did not look sufficiently appreciative in their eyes, they would then lecture me about the world according to them, one in which others suffered (but not me), did not have as I had, and where other people (usually meaning themselves) had to struggle hard to get even a morsel of the cornucopia which had been handed to me on a silver platter without my truly being deserving of it.

From the outside people thought I was a spoiled brat.

They tell children to never talk to strangers, but no one tells strangers not to talk to children. So I had to stand there being talked to (or at but never with) without the ability to talk back. I had to listen politely.

From the outside I had the coolest parents a child could have.

My friends and schoolmates saw the toys, the things, which I had. Heard about the places I’d been, places parents usually did not take their children. And they were treated to an experience of parents, of adults, which they’d never had before when they met my parents.

How fortunate I was to have parents who behaved towards children as though they were equals, who were fun and played games as children played games.

From the outside my parents were adults.

They were older than the parents of most of my friends, but they behaved as though they were forever young, younger than the parents of my friends, younger than my friends, younger than me, but so much cooler. And unlike us, they’d never grow up or grow old.

From the outside I lived in a perfectly free world.

I had all the advantages, the scales were unbalanced in my favour. I could do as I pleased. Choose whichever path appealed to me the most (on a whim if whim did take me) or choose none at all. It didn’t matter.

I could go to school or not go to school. I could do my homework or not do my homework. I could stay up all night. Eat whatever I wanted. Drink wine. Watch X-rated films. Read Playboy. Swear like a crusty old sailor. Dress up or dress down or wear nothing at all.

Of course some of these things could only be done when no one was watching, but they still heard about it because creating an appearance isn’t all about the eyes. If you want others to look at you with the admiration of envy, then you have to tap into all of their senses, including nonsense. People especially love and love to hate what they can’t fathom.

From the outside I lived in the land of fame, fortune and fabulous things.

Welcome to the double life with double standards.

From the outside the inside is imagined. Imagined and judged by what is perceived of the outside. And the outside is a reflection of projection. Which is so much more interesting, enticing, and believable than what is actually real. What is on the inside is irrelevant. The truth inside can’t compete with the semblance of truth on the outside.

 

 

TermForTern

 

 

From the inside, I was trapped in a perfect world.

From the inside I looked outside.

I saw other lives. Ones I admired and envied. I saw luck where I was told luck did not exist. I saw blessings in what were called curses. I saw freedom in struggles. I saw ease in hardship. I saw opportunity in suffering. I saw plenty in emptiness.

I wanted the parents which other children rejected.

I wanted to earn and deserve what I earned.

I wanted to know what the other side of the scales was like.

I wanted the advantages which others called disadvantages.

My perfect world looked imperfect to me, and the imperfect world of others appeared perfect.

“These things, she felt, were not to be passed around like disingenuous party favors. She kept an honor code with her journals and her poems. ‘Inside, inside,’ she would whisper quietly to herself when she felt the urge to tell…” ― Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

 

 

 

 

LittleTern

Advertisements

28 thoughts on “Trapped in a Perfect World

  1. I could really identify with this Ursula. Things can look one way from the outside and are so different from the inside. Like you I would have loved to have been born into a poor family where there was true attention and love instead of so called “spoiling”. Its an empty cold thing that looks shiny from the outside but is hollow inside. And yet you came through and give so much to the world through your words which come from the real lived experience of emerging this hollowness into something rich, profound, insightful,creative abundant and whole.

    Like

    1. I was just reading up on the 11th house, trying to catch a glimpse of the upcoming transits and their possible effects for me, really just trying to get a different angle on some things going on in my life and astrology often gives me that, and I was checking this out in The Twelve Houses by Howard Sasportas and came across this:

      “You cannot understand a cell, a rat, a brain structure, a family or a culture if you isolate it from its context.” – Marilyn Ferguson (The Aquarian Conspiracy)

      We often get confused by taking ourselves out of context and putting ourselves in another one, then imagining our lives in that other context – a context which perhaps can only be imagined and thus idealised rather than one which is lived. It’s similar to other people trying to understand us from the context of their own lives without the context of our lives. They only know what they’ve experienced not what we’ve experienced, and if their experiences differ a lot from ours, then they can only imagine what we have experienced and that can cause all sorts of misperceptions.

      Poor family/rich family/in between family that’s not the issue because that’s not the problem. It is about the people, the individual, not their financial state. Having money in a world which worships money definitely helps and can improve many things, including our psychology. However, people who are miserable will be miserable no matter what if their misery runs deep, they will find a way to make a golden egg into an albatross. My parents would have been a-holes whether they were rich or poor or what they were, in fact I reckon if they’d been poor they’d have been even worse than they were. You can’t get blood out of a stone, unless you bash someone’s head in with it, but that’s just blood on the stone rather than blood from the stone (sorry, Mars in Scorpio is a twisted thinker 😉 ).

      Ultimately, it’s up to us to bridge the two lands, the outside and the inside. The sort of bridge we build, is about who we are 🙂

      Like

      1. Not really twisted, just profound. I get what you are saying.. and you are so right… its not about black/white, wrong/right, rich/poor… it just seems to me, (and yes, this is my personal experience) sad when the pursuit of money gets in the way of being able to be emotionally connected and spend time with your kids,. and yes we are products of experiences and an environment that others may or may not understand and then project their incomplete understanding onto. In my case it was sad that by the time my father could have enjoyed the fruits of his labours the dream was a runaway train that crushed people under its wheels…..I think certain desires can carry one along and be like the tide that obliterates things of value… is never conscious or intentional. We live with the impact though. I’m not sure I am expressing this well.

        Like

        1. I read a wonderful book some years ago – Melmoth the Wanderer by Charles Maturin – and somewhere within its hefty pages and complex story was a tale about the juggernaut as it applied to Hinduism:

          “A juggernaut is a literal or metaphorical force regarded as mercilessly destructive and unstoppable. This usage originated in the mid-nineteenth century as an allegorical reference to the Hindu Ratha Yatra temple car, which apocryphally was reputed to crush devotees under its wheels.” via Wiki.

          That excerpt in the book about the juggernaut stayed with me, and I saw how it applied as a metaphor to many things in life. Once we start the ball rolling on something, once it picks up momentum, there is a point when we lose control of it and can’t steer it, can’t stop certain things from happening.

          Those who pursue a dream with single-mindedness can actualise that dream, however it sometimes that dream becomes a nightmare for others, and once a dream becomes a nightmare for others it will become a nightmare for the one pursuing the dream, one from which they may not be able to easily wake up.

          Sometimes people cut their heads off to get rid of a headache (paraphrasing The X-files).

          Like

            1. Or crushed others under ours. A friend of mine told me once she was at a 12step meeting and a guy was sharing about how he would always ask himself “who was it who really got the ball rolling on this one?”. And once we start something or make a certain choice we can never be entirely sure of where it might lead or how and who can be affected.

              Like

            2. I like to see things from the perspectives of others, it can change my own perspective or at least give some understanding. Sometimes the pain, the nightmare, someone else is inflicting on you is due to them pursuing a dream and they can’t see anything or anyone beyond that goal, including the pain the pursuit of their dream is causing to others, to you. And some people just can’t bring themselves to ever see that aspect of their dream. They are too afraid of what would happen to them and to their dream if they stopped being blinkered.

              Like

      2. Also after reflecting on this.. what is the use of wishing to have been born in another circumstance when this is the one we got and due to it had to learn certain things. Its like trying to wish away reality and nurture oneself on illusions and ideals of what could have been. So I get what you said.

        Like

        1. Embracing our own circumstances and life is liberating as it releases us to accept who we are and everything that entails. But it takes a while to do that, especially if your circumstances include not accepting what is as is. It doesn’t help that this is a fairly common message in society and the media. There are reasons for it, most of which have to do with giving us the impression of being trapped. Those who feel trapped are more easily swayed if they are looking elsewhere and to others for release (I should add I’m still reading Noam Chomsky at the mo).

          Like

  2. Ahh —–the illusion of the Narcissist parents and their children as a family unit.
    Its like a fraud that its pulled off daily, publicly and none can see the truth , the facts, the reality. Its a mirage .
    In fact, as you point out people not only buy into the fraudulent illusion but add to the madness by admiring how wonderful the family is , by being fans of the Narcissists, and inadvertently feeding into the madness by confusing the child even more by telling them how wonderful they have it .If the child dares to confide in someone and point out the fraud, outsiders quickly minimize the accusations. It is boggling that these children survive without having nervous breakdowns and becoming mentally ill. These children will grow up to be true expert survivors. They will be able to see reality more than most due to what they have been through. Ursula, Sorry you had to endure this type of childhood. No one should have to go through that. You are a true survivor!

    Like

    1. In many ways the story of my life is no different from anyone else’s, every human being is a survivor of some sort of something, and we all have to deal with illusions, whether they are created by narcissists, by ourselves, society, or the generations which preceded us.

      We live, and as we live we experience, and from those experiences we learn something… what that something is depends on us 🙂

      Like

  3. Dear Ursula,
    thank you for this melancholic and deep meditation on your childhood which moved me to tears as I have lived very similar sensations to yours although within a different frame, as my parents were very strict and rigid, but there is one stunning similarity: from the outside nodoby could guess what was going on.It was useless to explain to people as it was inbelievable.
    i grew up with no appetite for money or power and i can find myself completely in your statement,
    “I wanted to earn and deserve what I earned.”
    I am still looking for for my worth,
    they made me feel that as they paid my studies and such a well off life, i had to pay back becoming what they expected me to; and I failed.
    Here’s why anger, and contempt towards me.
    i am very sad at the moment, i am not desperate, i am just seeing reality for what it is. it’s one of those tub moments, when you feel like dying.This week i will start facing legal issues with my N father; I feel i can’t trust my sister either but at least she’s less harmful by now. It all saddens me, and when i hear people fighting for money i don’t quite get it, if you have to fight for what is yours according to the law, it’s a huge contradiction as my father doesn’t want me to have it.i wish I could give it up, and have my own money, but i have a very hard life and I can’t.
    as all i can feel is disgust and the awareness i have no family. I feel as a tiny point in the universe which is already disappeared, no bonds, no roots, no origin, i have already turned to ashes.My father (only him as my mother died nine years ago, but she would play in the same team) mirrors back such a dehumanised image of his role, with no empathy, i am just an object of no use as I don’t yield to his will.This makes me feel like dying.
    Thank you so much for the seagull picture, it gives me hope.Flying, a sort of resurrection out of this devasting family landscape.
    Thank you for your presence and clever insight and your beautiful writing. take care of yourself xxx

    Like

    1. One the the reasons I blog and write posts like this one is to uncover the stories going on inside of me. Posting my conversations with myself publicly gives them a certain solidity and means I can’t pretend I didn’t think or say that. I can’t escape my own words.

      I often ask myself – What story about my life am I telling myself? – and I answer the question by writing and seeing what emerges. What I’m looking for is clarity, another perspective, and perhaps a way to either change things or accept what can’t be changed.

      As I write I read what I write, I listen to myself, in a way similar to an analyst. I’m keeping an eye and ear out for sticking points, for hypocrisy, for bullshit, for the sound of me deceiving myself, for where I’m blinkered and being an idiot, for places where I am stuck and seem to quite like being stuck, where I repeat the same thing. I’m looking for problems where I always say ‘Yes, but…’ to any solution which is offered to solve it, where I have a tendency to tighten knots rather than try to unravel them. I’m on the search for things which stand out in some way and draw my attention because within those is an insight which may allow me to change or shift a pattern.

      This is partly why I suggest to people that they listen to themselves, read what they’ve written, find the wisdom in their own words. We’re always in the process of creating our own realities, if we don’t like our reality, it’s up to us to figure out why we created it and how to perhaps change what we’re creating into something we like. Sometimes all that is needed is a change of attitude, to see the same old things differently from how we usually see them.

      Of course everything I have just said is part of my story and reality creating and maybe it is a load of nonsense 😉

      I learned to do this because I found it useful for untangling myself from the realities created by narcissists like my parents. When I was younger I accepted their version of reality, of myself, of other people, because that’s what children do, we learn about life and ourselves from those who are ‘authorities’, those who teach us, those who create the reality we enter into when we are born. We accept what we’re taught and told… until we begin to really think for ourselves and examine what we’ve been taught and told.

      There are times when the reality of our parents, of narcissists, clashes with another reality and if we witness it, it plants seeds of doubt about what we’ve been told is real. But if we question the narcissists, they turn our doubts about them into self-doubt for us. And so another type of story begins, where we are taught to turn all our challenges towards them into accusations against ourselves.

      When a child of narcissists has a moment of clarity where they question whether their parents are really the perfect parents which the N parents have told their child that they are, the N parents act quickly, defensively and ruthlessly to protect their version of reality, and turn that clarity into confusion by saying something along the lines of – It’s not us who are the problem, we are and will always be perfect parents, it is you who is at fault, you are and will always be an imperfect child, any failure which you see in us is your failure.

      Narcissist parents are desperate to have a perfect child, one who will prove to them that they are perfect parents, perfect people. When their child does not live up to their delusions, that child goes from being an embodiment of all their extreme idealism to being the repository of all their fears, everything they try to hide from themselves. That child becomes a constant reminder to them that they are not who they are pretending to be. That child becomes the picture of Dorian Gray hidden in an attic.

      There is a certain paradox which exists within this dynamic – narcissists tend to ‘love’ those they hate more than those they ‘love’.

      In a narcissist’s family which has a scapegoat child and a golden child, the scapegoat child is actually the ‘favourite’ child of the narcissist. Which is not a consolation at all, because it means that the narcissists needs that child more, therefore that child is a lifelong obsession for the narcissist.

      I would hazard a guess that your father never stops thinking about you, and this legal issue between you is something which he will enjoy because it keeps you in his life, it gives him a hold over you and onto you. The relationship which he has with you offers him a certain kind of N supply which is more precious than the more commonly discussed type of N supply.

      There is nothing an N likes more than having a nemesis, a mortal enemy who refuses to give them what they want. Sure they love having minions, people who buy into their BS and who stroke their egos, but they’re kind of contemptuous of those people for being so easy to fool, whereas someone who sees through their BS, someone who is not easily fooled drives them insane and they kind of love that because it gets their adrenalin flowing. This is partly why a narcissist always creates conflict and always has to have a super villain that they, as the super hero, has to fight to the death.

      If you listen carefully to the language of a narcissist, and watch how they create a reality, you’ll see this pattern in their words. The moment you piss off a narcissist is the moment they fall in love with you. Treat them mean and keep them keen.

      Which is why it is so difficult to deal with them, because they defy logic – what would put most of us off, is what turns them on.

      You being a ‘failure’ is more precious to your father than you being a ‘success’. He needs you more than you need him. Everything which you think is ‘powerless’ about you, is your greatest ‘power’.

      Figuring out what being a child of narcissists means, the legacy of it, is resolving paradoxes and reversals of polarity.

      Best wishes for your quest, trust yourself and take good care of yourself 🙂

      Like

      1. Thank you Ursula- I understand from your explanation that actually their behaviour is completely driven by a sort of mechanical, mask like role, which has to be performed according to a very fixed and rigid script, but as a younger man he showed many qualities other than the NPD traits.or is it me as a younger girl idealizing her father? Now the landscape is one dimensional, there is just his barren desertic unempathic stabbing speech.
        My quest is a quest of truth and it’s horrid to see things as they are as there is no time left to make amends.To my life I mean.
        I do see in writing the same analytical value-self analysis is possible even in psychoanalytical terms, it’s an habit to reflection and meditation.
        Maybe i will sound a true nutcase, but the other day i spent the day paralysed with this death craving, and only after writing a bunch of pages on it, to discover the meanig and how it was articulated in my mind and body, i felt my day wasn’t off to the bin, i gave a meaning to that feeling.
        That is what I am left with, all I own. I personally think I will go no contact with my father for good, although I will be labeled as a bad and ungrateful daughter but all this is beyong my threshold, which has been very high throughout decades. Each time he speaks he’s like a voracious vulture and his only sad target is to hurt whoever is around him, my sister included.
        Hard to believe all this is due to the disorder, hard to accept life is almost over with the illusion that one day i could make things right with them.
        The legacy is hard to tackle;by now i think i am still working out at the level of understanding their effects on me, but in spite of a certain awareness about N traits in people I meet, i can’t believe i bought into their version of reality for so long.
        i feel as though I overexposed myself for years and now i need to shelter, as i see my reactions are still very much conditioned by my past.
        Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts on life, it’s a very precious experience to me, take, care xxx

        Like

        1. You can love who your father was once upon a time versus who he became. Love certain memories over others. Those moments which encapsulated something good, happy, a smile.

          Just because most of the apple seems rotten doesn’t mean all of the apple is bad. There is always room for a bit of everything.

          Narcissists tend to get worse as they age, as life disappoints their impossible ideals they become bitter and angry at the world because they didn’t get the happy ending they wanted and so they’ve decided to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

          Maybe when he was younger, when you were younger, he was different in some ways, and those differences were something which made him lovable to you then. You and your father have changed. Time changes us all, whether we want to change or not.

          So maybe it wasn’t all an illusion. Just because a large part of it was an illusion doesn’t mean all of it was.

          A craving for death goes hand in hand with a passion for life. It’s all part of a whole. And sometimes in those moments when we hate ourselves, our life, and want annihilation… we come closest to touching the essence within us which loves ourselves, our life and wants to live and shine.

          The important thing now is… now. You, alive, here and now. It’s beautiful! And any ugliness which you may perceive only accentuates the beauty 🙂

          Like

          1. I’d like to share one further detail of the consequences of healing, that’s to say when you emerge of your gloomy tunnel and you understand and decide you have to react and take care of yourself, you imagine your friends are going to be happy about it, finally seeing you set free.
            Well, no! of course it depends on what kind of friends are they, if i picked them with my N magnet.This is a friend I mentioned to you when you published my poem as a post as she was irritated by it and criticized me for my writing: this time she said I am speculating on my father’s death as I rant on legal matters and his wish to desown me. She said that once I was a caring and loving daughter but now there is nothing of it left.
            And as a consequence I should accept her offer to share a friendship without mentioning my family never again.
            I think she trespassed my boundaries once again but there is something which doesn’t sit quite right with me, as this conditional proposal is unacceptable to me and it reminds me of my N parents’ behaviour and I also recognized a concept you mentioned the same day she attacked me, shadenfreude-it must be this sort of perverse joy in seeing me hurt to make her speak like that.
            I think this is all due to the fact that when we change, we are not in tune any more with most of the people we chose being in a different energy, maybe as we were more tolerant of abuse as it appeared normal to us.
            Once we wake up from this long state of torpor, and we are discovering we can choose and say no, we disappoint certain people who felt confortable with us as prisoners but not with us set free.
            My meditation concerns how we build up relationshilps outside the family, therefore as a child of Ns I think I have reproduced the same model not in every relationship but in most of them.It’s scary and sad at the same time, my responsibility on the one hand, and the appetite for schadenfreude on the other nourishing so many people. Thank you for listening.xxx

            Like

            1. That’s a very good point, and one which those who change when they heal come up against and often find hard to tackle, especially if we’re under the impression that others should be happy for us if we are happy for ourselves. In fact anyone who changes for whatever reasons often finds themselves at odds with those who knew them before the change because our roles in their lives serve a purpose for them and when we can no longer play that role, and if they relied on us playing that role, then what purpose do we serve for them once we change. It’s cynical, but cynicism in relationships exists because of those kinds of experiences.

              I was reading a post recently by a well-known blogger who was ‘complaining’ that whenever she meets people who have been following her blog for a while, they sometimes react by criticising her for being different in person than who she is on her blog. They are disappointed that she is ordinary and human, and not as interesting as they thought she should be. She tries to point out to them that she is not different in person, she is exactly the same person as her blog persona as far as she can tell, but maybe their perception of who she is not who she actually is and this is the problem, the cause of their disappointed expectations, their projections, their hopes and fantasies of who they need her to be for them set them up to be disappointed when they meet her.

              It was an interesting post and comment conversations ensued with people who don’t know her in person and people who do know her in person weighing in on it.

              It’s all a part of the same dynamic – who we think we are versus who others think we are – and variations on that theme.

              We all experience those moments in a relationship which test the depth of the relationship, which strain the bond and show us who are friends really are and show them who we really are.

              The question I would ask you is – How many times do you need to see that this particular person does not accept you as you are before you decide that maybe this relationship is perhaps at the point where you both go your separate ways?

              She is not who you want her to be for you and you are not who she wants you to be for her. Where do you go from there? Is a relationship possible with this kind of problem hanging over it? Can this tug of war be won? Does she have to be who she is not for you? Do you have to be who you are not for her?

              When we go through a transformation in our lives, one which we feel is important and needed, sometimes we have to jump into the void and be alone, free from the ties of the past. Sometimes that is the only way to become ourselves. We may have to be all alone for a while, but soon enough we will find those who gravitate to who we are now rather than who we once were. Sometimes holding on to those who knew us as we were and are not willing to give us the space to change, keeps us hanging onto who we once were as though we’re still clinging onto our old self in case our new self doesn’t work out for us. Some safety nets are traps.

              And we need to be careful of our own tendency to perhaps want to witness our own schadenfreude, so that we can say to ourselves – I told you so, I told you that you were going to fail.

              Sometimes the people in our lives reflect back to us our own unconscious thoughts about ourselves… when we let go of those people, we let go of those unconscious thoughts too.

              Perhaps…

              Like

              1. Dear Ursula,
                I love your sense of humour.Yes, how many times shall I undergo the same experience to be sure the feeling i have is real and relies on true facts? You are absolutely right and i think i am ready to finally cut off a bare bond. I sense this reluctance to severe a relationship is rooted with my being a child of Ns, as each time I tried to rebel or say no i have been accused to be too hard- to tell the truth, I waited and waited and waited until my cocotte minute was going to burst. Also I need time to believe myself, as I have spent all my life doubting about myself, even thinking I was a N, therefore i always question myself about silent treatment and discard. It happened to me twice to severe surgically, I mean, logically as I couldn’t put up anymore with exploitation and control but looking back I think it was my right to do it and protect myself, I had to choose myself or someone else and I couldn’t behave as if nothing occurred.
                The feeling which is brought along is guilt as i don’t want to hurt people, just imagine that in th past if i dared defend myself i felt immediately sick, bowels and stomach.
                What startles me is WHY people cling on other people if the feeling they need is negative? How can you be close to someone if you are inhabited by a destructive feelings.we all feel envy or jealousy at times, but we don’t pick our friends if we are not transparent, I mean the foundations have to be built on positive feelings. I wonder what is the personal emotional return in doing this.
                I am finally able to do it, to say no to whoever tresspass my boundaries and it is a very recent acquisition!!
                this is due to the fact that I ask myself impossible mission to accomplish. To be good as I need to show it to contrast my role in my family.
                I cherish my friends but now i need to stand for myself and it’s not friendship if I have to gulp down toads (translation from Italian:ingoiare rospi!!).
                I can love people with human wekness, flaws and faults, I do not need perfection but I need trust.
                As far as my schadenfreude, I am keeping it at bay.i have the feeling i am making some substantial progress, but i still have to work a lot to modify my behaviour to become more functional and happier with myself.
                Thank you so much for your presence and your words. To celebrate my progress, i m about to bake pizza and drink a glass of wine! s.xxx

                Like

    2. Hugs Seashell….this is a massive thing you are going through. To see reality is hard but at least it is the truth, agonisingly painful as that is. Sometimes its the loveliest who don’t get seen because those around them don’t have the eyes to see them or the ability to know them. I wish I could comfort you and take away your pain. I know I cant but I feel the depth of your experience. You aren’t alone. Be super kind to yourself. You know you from the inside. Believe in that. Love that. ❤

      Like

      1. Dear Deborah,
        thank you so much for oyur lovely words and your empathy and encouragement, i do appreciate it.I will try to be superkind to myself as you say, it is all new to me.One can’t think of their own family as pathological, everything seems so natural.Then awareness; next step, reconstruction of our inner structure in order to be a magnet for..NON NARCISSISTS!!! Love and big hug to you, take care, seashell xxx

        Like

        1. Yes no matter how much they hurt us there is some kind of deep bond that can keep us going back and hoping this time to be seen. It can take years to really “get” this and to stop letting ourselves be hurt and undernourished. ..

          Like

          1. I saw a quote today which said – Stop punishing yourself for what others have done to you. – I liked the thought it expressed, it’s something which can be hard to do if we’re trained in some way to think what was done to us was because of us rather than because of the other person.

            It does take a while for things to be absorbed and for us to get it on a deep level, intellectually we may understand it early on, but it has to sink deeper into a living wisdom. The important thing is to get it, no matter how long it takes.

            Like

  4. You did really show me here, that I did the right when I raised my kids to see the world, just like it is and then take very good care of yourself. Thank8 you for this insight, which means more tome, than you would ever know. Thank you 🙂

    Like

    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      I think being a parent is one of the hardest challenges in life. You can’t really practice before doing it, or take a study course for it. The hardest challenges sometimes have the greatest rewards.

      Like

    1. Thank you 🙂

      That’s intriguing because I hadn’t really considered this as being sad at all, it’s just life. We all have an inside and an outside version, and we all tend to project onto the outside of others some of the things which are within us.

      It ties in a bit with the post of yours – Beauty and ‘attracting the Beast – which I just read. Which is inspiring and stirred some thoughts.

      How so often when we perceive someone else as being ‘more beautiful’ (especially physically since the body is the outside container of us) than us, whether they really are or not, it can bring out the beast within us because we’ve rated them as being better than us and we don’t like the competition which we’ve created but which we don’t perceive as being our creation, our reflection of a projection on them of our own story. We do this because others do this to us too. It’s a chicken and egg scenario which keeps going until we decide to stop it… and even then it is hard to stop.

      It’s Solipsism. We think therefore we are, therefore others are what we think, and we think that what we think is what is real, and that what others think is real or not real according to how it ties in with what we think… but what is real, what is actually out there, can we ever see things as they are rather than as we see them.

      Sometimes what we see changes because of an event which completely alters our previous view, we suddenly think we’re seeing the truth for the very first time after years of seeing illusions and believing them to be real, but have we not perhaps replaced one set of illusions with another set, and they just seem more real because they’re new and different.

      I’m confusing myself now. Being human in a human world, one which is constantly being torn down and re-created, re-written, is fascinating.

      Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Like

Comments are closed.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: