How To Get a Narcissist to Love You



The title of this post comes from a query which keeps cropping up in the search criteria in my stats which informs me of what has led someone to my blog.

Since I’m fairly certain that I haven’t written a post about this, I thought I would address it so as not to disappoint those who end up here looking for an answer to that question.

But I am going to end up disappointing you if you’re looking for a magic formula to extract love from a narcissist.

There is a fundamental problem with the question.

There are several problems with this question.

But one stands out to me as being crucial.

Can you see what the problem is?

No, it’s not you, you’re not the problem.



Others versus self worth


There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Wanting someone to love you is not the problem.

That is natural.

Wanting to be loved is not the problem.

Everyone wants to be loved. It’s a wonderful experience.

And neither is the problem the possible fact that you may be in love with a narcissist.

It happens. Love happens. Love is a beautiful emotion. It can’t be controlled. Which is part of its beauty.


Narcissists are extremely easy to fall in love with.



rumi - lion



They are in some ways easier to fall in love with than someone who is not a narcissist.

They have the innate ability to embody our ideal of love and of someone with whom we want to fall in love.

They have the innate ability to bypass all the defenses around our hearts.

They can open the floodgates which enclose our love and then it pours out, happy to be released, into them.



I love you lies


Being in love feels good.

It can also feel bad.

Love embraces everything. The good and the bad and so much more.

Being in love is not the problem.

Being in love with a narcissist is not the problem.

It can become a problem, and will become a problem, a problem which causes many other problems, but it is not the main problem.



sad story


Your love is your love and who you love is who you love.

Don’t let anyone else tell you who you are allowed to, supposed to, love.

It’s none of their business… even if you invite them into your business.






So what is the problem?

Look at the question again.

How do you get a narcissist to love you?

Can you see what the problem is?

One possible answer is that narcissists don’t know how to love.



shakespeare on love



But this is subjective.

Just because a narcissist does not love the way we think a person should love, does that mean that they don’t know how to love?

Love is also subjective.

What is love?



If you love a flower


Everyone answers that question differently, because everyone is different.

We sometimes agree with each other about love and other things, we sometimes share similarities, but our similarities have differences.

Some people think love should be unconditional.

But wanting love to be unconditional is a condition.

Some people want your love for them to be unconditional, and in wanting that they impose a condition on your love for them.



love without restrictionrestrictions for love without restriction



Some people tell you that their love for you is unconditional, but they always want something in return, even if all they want is for you to believe that their love for you is unconditional.

Love is a many splendoured and very complicated, surreal and abstract concept.

Humans are not dissimilar to love.


What is the fundamental problem with – How do you get a narcissist to love you?

Can you see what the problem is?

Maybe if I write it likes this – How do YOU get a narcissist to love YOU?

Can you see what the problem is?

For a narcissist love, life, and everything and everyone in it is all about THEM, not YOU.



narcissistic love



YOU only exist for THEM.

The narcissist loves you when it suits them to love you.

The narcissist doesn’t love you when it suits them not to love you.

If a narcissist hates you, is obsessed with you in some way… that is the closest you will ever come to truly being loved by a narcissist.

But even then it is still all about the narcissist and not about you. And it isn’t the version of love which you want.



narcissist discard


The fundamental problem with a question such as – How do you get a narcissist to love you? – is that the question itself is narcissistic.

It is all about you, not about them.

Whether they are a narcissist or not a narcissist – you can’t make someone love you.

I know it is a hard thing to accept, especially when you love them and have dreams of what your life would be like if they loved you as you love them or as you want them to love you.

When you love someone, you wish for them to love you in return.

Unrequited love is very painful… and pain can makes us all go a little bit insane. mind




Escaping feeling pain is an intrinsic part of narcissism, it is the incentive behind a lot of what they do… thus when we try to escape our own pain, we experience what it is like to be a narcissist, without actually being a narcissist.

When we love someone and they don’t love us… we may want to make them love us, and that want may become an obsession because it becomes crucial to our sense of self, our identity.

But if they can’t, won’t, don’t love you… why would you want to force the issue?




language of love


Love is free, when we try to capture it and tame it, control it, bargain with it, adapt it to what we want it to be… love becomes a problem instead of a solution.

Subjective love becomes objective love – The person whom we love becomes our objective. The object of our affection. And we want that object to be what we want it to be and do what we want it to do.

What about those who love you, but whom you don’t love?

Can they get you to love them?

Would you like it if someone could access a formula for making you love them against your will, the will of your heart, just by searching for – How can I get someone to love me – on the internet?

Is it possible to love someone whom you don’t love? Even if you really wished you could love them… but you just don’t, won’t and can’t?



12 lies we tell ourselves by A. Ellis



How can you get a narcissist to love you?

Do you still want to know the answer to that?




devil in disguise




If you do then, check out this great post:

How to Get a Narcissist to Love You by Lynette d’Arty-Cross via  In the Net! – Stories of Life and Narcissistic Survival