your intense fragility: whose texture compels me



“nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of  your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing” ― E.E. Cummings


What can you see in the photo above?

Can you see what I see?


Everything in life has a texture.


Some of those textures are ones which we know so well,

feel without feeling,

because we have a memory of having felt them before,

and we can feel them without feeling them again.

We expect them to always be there,

feel the way we have always felt them to be,

yet when they are not there,

do not feel as we expect,

it surprises us,

confuses us,

leaves us wondering,

scrambling to make sense of what is missing which should be there.


“Its substance was known to me. The crawling infinity of colours, the chaos of textures that went into each strand of that eternally complex tapestry…

Every intention, interaction, motivation, every colour, every body, every action and reaction, every piece of physical reality and the thoughts that it engendered, every connection made, every nuanced moment of history and potentiality, every toothache and flagstone, every emotion and birth and banknote, every possible thing ever is woven into that limitless, sprawling web.” ― China Miéville


Some of those textures are ones which we don’t know at all,

a new sensation,

an unexpected feel to our touch,

whether our touch be with the skin,

or with our other senses,

it surprises us,

confuses us,

leaves us wondering,

scrambling to make what is unknown known,

for what is unknown inspires us with fear.


“Fear has a lot of flavors and textures. There’s a sharp, silver fear that runs like lightning through your arms and legs, galvanizes you into action, power, motion. There’s heavy, leaden fear that comes in ingots, piling up in your belly during the empty hours between midnight and morning, when everything is dark, every problem grows larger, and every wound and illness grows worse. And there is coppery fear, drawn tight as the strings of a violin, quavering on one single note that cannot possibly be sustained for a single second longer—but goes on and on and on, the tension before the crash of cymbals, the brassy challenge of the horns, the threatening rumble of the kettle drums.” ― Jim Butcher


In the picture above I see a face,

an eye looking at me,

lips open poised to speak,

maybe they are speaking,

but I can’t hear what they are saying,

are they echoing my thoughts,

echoing my words,

am I not hearing my own projections upon a reflection.

When our eyes see,

what do they see,

and why does our mind rush to decide what it is we are seeing.

We jump to conclusions,

make judgments,

form opinions,

then stick to them firmly,

even when the wind brushes the ripples,

painting a new image before our very eyes.


What do you see in the picture below?

Do you see what I see?




In this photo I don’t see a face,

I see the echo of a story,

textures of a tale,

a playful soul,

playing in the Sun,

playing with the Sun’s light-hearted humour,

playing with the textures of  skin,

skin speckled by freckles,

freckles of pigment and of light,

trying to get the right angle,

to capture a moment,

a moment of fun.


“What do I make of all this texture? What does it mean about the kind of world in which I have been set down? The texture of the world, its filigree and scrollwork, means that there is the possibility for beauty here, a beauty inexhaustible in its complexity, which opens to my knock, which answers in me a call I do not remember calling, and which trains me to the wild and extravagant nature of the spirit I seek.” ― Annie Dillard


 But others might see a selfie,

and spiral from there,

into the many textures of opinion,

which humans have amassed,

about selfies,

and other humans.

and other humans versus ourselves.


“I have scars on my hands from touching certain people…Certain heads, certain colours and textures of human hair leave permanent marks on me.”

― J.D. Salinger


A recently published study,

claims we are quick to judge others,

based on their surface layer,

their photo,

their face,

the skin they are in,

we don’t listen to their words,

don’t see their story,

or perceive the texture of the layers beneath.


But we don’t need a study,

another study,

another layer upon a layer,

another texture upon a texture,

a second,




to tell us what we already know.


“In my experience, whatever happens clings to us like barnacles on the hull of a ship, slowing us slightly, both uglifying and giving us texture. You can scrape all you want, you can, if you have money, hire someone else to scrape, but the barnacles will come back or at least leave a blemish on the steel.”

― Nick Flynn


We see our own texture in others,

in someone,

in something,

we texturise the world,

and the world texturises us.




“Symbolic of life, hair bolts from our head. Like the earth, it can be harvested, but it will rise again. We can change its color and texture when the mood strikes us, but in time it will return to its original form, just as Nature will in time turn our precisely laid-out cities into a weed-way.” ― Diane Ackerman



    • Thank you 🙂

      The texture of paint, of building layers, and the texture of an image built of layers when viewed up close, from afar, and through the lens of imagination… stunning!


  1. I see natures passion becoming beauty becoming art…

    I see myself in degrees in everyone, and to another degree in all nature (in you); chaos, passion, the wonderful story of creation and survival, equally mystified, confused, lost, found and lost again. A real space drifter.


  2. In you I see Nature’s passion and beauty, the seeker, the artist, the chaos; I see you in me, and want to know the me in you…a fellow Earth astronaut…another drifter.


  3. At first I saw a face. After I finished reading, I looked back and saw a naked woman sitting with her back to me. I’m not sure I want to analyze that!


    • What we see in images, and our ability to see multiple things in one image, shows the variety and creativity of our imagination. The more you can see in the same image, the more flexible your mind is, able to perceive from many angles and entertain diverse perceptions. What we see and how we react to what we see reveals us to ourselves. It’s a conversation with the many aspects of the self.

      The naked female back is a subject often used in photography and art, it is very poetic and evocative. It is sometimes a symbol for a private and intimate moment, the back shielding its owner from the prying eyes of the observer, and the observer is aware of this. We all have a need for privacy even when we lay ourselves bare for others to see. How the observer reacts to this physical sign of ‘do not disturb’ depends on their own story.

      Nudes in particular often evoke very strong reactions from people’s eyes and minds. The nude is a very revealing subject.


      • Our subconscious trying to communicate with us? I like that thought quite a lot. I am having simultaneous conversation about dream interpretation that ties in nicely with this theme.

        Interesting that I would see a nude from the back while reading a blog. 😀 I saw an owl, too. I’ve heard owls are bad omens. Maybe I subconsciously fear the repercussions of such intimacy?


        • theinfiniterally, I was intrigued by your statement that you heard owls were bad omens, so I investigated and what I found was interesting. The owl is a symbol of wisdom but also is known for seeing in the dark and seeing or revealing things that others can’t see. They break through the illusions and get to the truth of the matter. Something to chew on along with the nude you saw, ha:)

          I am not superstitious but do believe strongly in the connections that we have with others, things and our surroundings. What I have realized, after being in a toxic friendship is that my subconscious was involved and showing me the way, even before I knew it. I made a piece of pottery one day with my ex narc friend and guess what I formed and designed…but an owl. She formed a bird (I think it was a crow)-ha ha. Very fitting as I look back on it all. I still have this painted owl sitting on a ledge in my kitchen. When you mentioned you heard owls were bad omens, which they may be too, I had to delve into it. Ursula has an amazing creative abilities and I do believe that the expression of this helps with understanding our own hidden subconscious thoughts and our inner world. Thanks for your comment on owls…got me thinking…I have decided my owl will symbolize truth. That’s all I ever wanted, was the truth.


          • A while ago I came across an intriguing article exploring how humans came to associate certain things as omens, bad and good, and how certain omens became a part of the collective consciousness. Some choices of omen are self-explanatory, such as vultures being associated with death. Other choices are less obvious and often have multiple meanings and portent.

            The basics are that an event happens and our minds in trying to adjust and deal with it, as well as in seeking to predict future similar events so that we won’t be caught off guard and can be prepared in advance, takes something random which occurred just before we were shocked by the event or news of the event and makes it an intrinsic part of the event. It’s a coping mechanism of sorts.

            So if we saw or heard an owl before someone died, especially if we were startled by it and noticed it vividly, we view the owl as an omen of death. If you look up totems and animal symbolism, almost every creature at some point has come to symbolise death, is an omen of a death in some way. We don’t like death, and especially being surprised by death, so we have a tendency to be very superstitious about it, hoping to predict it to maybe avoid it or at least prepare ourselves for it.

            The human psyche is an infinite playground of wonder and fascination.

            In certain cultures and minds crows are a good omen –

            I knew one narc who was obsessed with totems, symbols and archetypes, their favourite archetype was the shapeshifter and one of their favourite animal totems was a snake:


            The Saboteur archetype is made up of the fears and issues related to low self-esteem that cause you to make choices in life that block your own empowerment and success. As with the Victim and Prostitute, you need to face this powerful archetype that we all possess and make it an ally. When you do, you will find that it calls your attention to situations in which you are in danger of being sabotaged, or of sabotaging yourself. Once you are comfortable with the Saboteur, you learn to hear and heed these warnings, saving yourself untold grief from making the same mistakes over and over. Ignore it, and the shadow Saboteur will manifest in the form of self-destructive behavior or the desire to undermine others.

            Films: Greta Garbo in Mata Hari; Angela Lansbury in The Manchurian Candidate; Woody Harrelson in The People vs. Larry Flynt. Judy Holliday in The Solid Gold Cadillac;

            Drama: Amadeus (Salieri) by Peter Schaffer; The Madwoman of Chaillot by Jean Giraudoux.

            Religion/Myth: Loki (in Norse myth, a Shape-shifter and Trickster who is crafty and malicious, but also heroic); Eris/Discordia (Greek/Roman goddess of discord, said to have caused the Trojan War); Bamapana (Aboriginal hero-trickster who causes discord and misunderstanding); Serpent (in many cultures, a figure who deceives humans, often sabotaging their only chance at immortality).

            text via

            Hmmm 😉


            • You are a walking encyclopedia Ursula! Thanks for the food for thought. The archetype link was especially interesting…like you said, “the human psyche is a playground of wonder and fascination.” My experience with a narc has opened this world up to me. I always was aware of it but I think when you have an experience in life that challenges you to dig deep, you consciously become awake and aware of things that you were used to ignoring or just not paying attention to. I can see how photography brings this to light, as you capture things that many of us catch of glimpse of but do not truly see. You have a keen ability to do this. So fun, thanks!


              • TY 😀

                When I was a child I used to love leafing through different kinds of encyclopedias then one day I read an encyclopedia of useless information and loved it so much that I tried to memorise it… that’s the sort of encyclopedia I’d like to be, because sometimes those random tidbits come together and transform into something useful. There are many missing pages in this mind of useless information… searching for them is a fun quest!


          • That is interesting. I have a good friend who is drawn to owls and their symbolism and he is very much someone who sees through illusions to the truth. Uniquely so. It’s good to know they have positive associations.

            I’m glad your subconscious and your totem were able to steer you away from the toxic relationship. It’s awesome that you have a reminder for the future, too.


        • Dreams are fascinating. They often reveal to us our inner world. However interpreting them can be quite tricky because we have to learn their language. Their language is our language, but in visual and symbolic form. The language of our subconscious mind. So what we see when we look at art or a photograph, a film, an object, a face, a lifeform, a cloud, a blur… what our senses see, what shapes, images, we find, and how they interpret what they see… can help us to understand our dream language because we’re using a similar means of communication with and within ourselves.

          Sometimes we agree with a collective view, we share symbolism and interpretations with others, and sometimes we have our own individual view, symbolism and interpretation. Those views, symbols and interpretations can change as we explore them.

          There’s an interesting series of articles about methods of exploring dreams and the subconscious, I’ve linked to an article on the Senoi Tribe because of the way they have been reported to use dreams –

          I love where you’re going with what you saw in the photo. The shifts from one image to another, and the associations your mind reveals, is an intimate conversation within yourself… similar to what we do when we share ourselves through our posts and blog. 🙂


          • I mostly rely on online sources for my dream interpretation. It tends to be accurate for me, though my last few dreams have eluded interpretation. My own spin seemed to suffice.

            I underwent a past-life regression a few years ago in which I apparently ‘failed’ to be hypnotized. Continuing to follow/allow the experience resulted in the same principle of intimate conversation with self.


            • I tried out past-life regression too back in the early 90’s. It was an intriguing and insightful experience, more so when I approached it as information on my psyche rather than getting in touch with past lives. It gave me, and still gives me, a reference point for some of the stories, the scripts, playing out within me which influence what plays out outside of me. It also helped me to glimpse my patterns and training.

              I didn’t go into a deep trance either, in fact I was barely in a trance at all which worried me because I’d read up on it and the subjects always seemed to go into very deep trance states and actually relived their past lives. The regression therapist explained that there was no ‘perfect’ state to be in to do a regression, and to just go with the level of consciousness with which I was comfortable. So for me it was more like daydreaming.

              I wrote a post about it –

              I think having the right regression therapist to do it with makes all the difference to the experience. With this particular therapist there was no expectation on her part, no sense of doing it right or wrong, of failing or winning, she was there to guide me in my own self discovery, my own version of the experience, and she did it in a calm, confident and relaxing manner.

              A while later I decided to try it out again, but since I was in another part of the world entirely I went to someone else and that regression therapist was so full of expectations for their own sake, in other words my level of trance was a reflection of their skill or lack of it, that it was a disaster as it was impossible to relax, it also didn’t help that they had noisy neighbours. I gave up and left the session halfway through it. I kind of figured it was a sign to quit rummaging in my past lives and focus on the life I had in the here and now for answers 🙂

              There are so many interesting options for exploring ourselves. One of the things I like about the idea of past lives is that it gives a new dimension, a new perspective, on everyone whom you meet and see. It’s like one of those photos which shows motion, the history of their body’s movement stretching out behind them.

              I just realised that I wasn’t following your blog, my apologies for that, I thought I was. I am such a scatterbrain. I was looking to see if you’d posted about your regression experience, and then I saw this – – which is brilliant, and with which I relate a lot. Thank you for sharing! One of the reasons I use social media is to help myself just say things and… keep going. It has helped quite a bit as I don’t want to delete what I’ve said and myself as much as I used to. Still a work in progress though… and sometimes I think being avoidant is a good thing, it has its perks.

              I probably should have written that as a comment on your post rather than here 😉


              • I read your yesterday-today-tomorrow blog…philosopher! I had to tell you that I was folding laundry the other day and was thinking about how you write and your style-I was intrigued by it and I thought you’d be an awesome philosophy teacher. No joke! I took philosophy in college and I enjoyed the thinking and turning things around and upside down to how you can look from multiple angles and get a totally different outlook or view on things. I love that! Just thought I’d share with you since you mentioned it during your regression therapy…pretty cool stuff.


                • Thank you! ‘Claude’ would be chuffed to bits 😉

                  Oh snap! I was thinking about my style of writing the other day too. It tends to reflect my style of thinking at the time of writing, and my internal chitchat. And the way I’ve been writing at the moment had me asking myself – What’s up with that? It’s all a bit floaty, bitty yet flowing and rather vertical. It might have something to do with the fact that I recently ripped up the carpet which was on the stairs and decided to strip them back to their original state (or as close to it as I can get it in my cack-handed way of doing such things). I do a lot of thinking and talking with myself when I’m doing things (If I’m silent then I start to worry that I’m giving myself the silent treatment and I don’t know why). So while sanding and scraping and stuff, my thoughts have been synching with the job, using it as a metaphor and then spiraling off on tangents from there, so I’m sort of writing thoughts which are going downstairs or are they going upstairs? Hmmm. Thoughts being stripped back, sanded and scraped, to get to their original state, their roots… maybe.

                  Why did you take philosophy in college? What was the spur behind studying it? And how have you pursued the interest? Everything which we do weaves its way into the fabric of our lives.

                  Have you ever tried regression therapy, it’s very intriguing. Another avenue of possibility to explore and see what is discovered… being human is weird that anything after that… 🙂


                  • My take on your style of writing, which you probably already know, is related to your minds dexterity and ability to jump from here to there in a millisecond because your parents unknowingly were catalysts to this beautiful ability in you. It was a way for you to survive their contradictory behavior and confusion. Like you always say, the gift in the curse.

                    Thanks for asking me questions…made me excited and I thought of my fascination with Henry David Thoreau in high school. I remember really digging his stuff-philosopher, earthy dude who lived in the woods and in solitude. I also became a vegetarian for maybe 2 weeks and then decided that was not for me. I don’t know if he was a vegetarian or not but I was toying around with finding myself and what I liked and didn’t like. Anyways, so I was drawn to deep, soul stuff way back. I attended a liberal arts college and was required to take a course in the humanities. Philosophy is what I choose. I think I was drawn to it for many reasons but ultimately it was because I could raise my hand in class and give an answer…and ALL answers were considered right, in some way or another…bingo! I raised my hand a lot and loved discussing things because of this. On the other hand, the calculus class I was taking that year I hated and passed by the skin of my teeth…only one right answer and if you put the decimal in the wrong place even after taking 10 minutes to solve the problem-you still failed.

                    So, I guess I like thinking in greys. Even though I am opinionated & can take a stand, I am open to others and not very judgmental. I was telling my friend the other day that I got myself into trouble with allowing my ex narc friend to control me because I can be submissive. She immediately corrected me and said I am not submissive but open to others and not judgmental. I think people tend to open up around me easily because of this trait. I think others that have been in relationships with narcissists also tend to have this characteristic. I’m realizing now that I have this and I’m kind of flattered with myself. That may sound goofy but I am like “right on girl” I got that going on and I’m proud of it. I’m becoming more proud of who I am overall. As Henry David Thoreau once said, “Not till we are completely lost or turned around…do we begin to find ourselves.” Yes…indeed.


                    • Wow! That is a brilliant insight! You have a truly beautiful mind, as in the way it works, makes connections and figures out complex formulas of life, and the openness, the flexibility of it keeps the blood flow circulating so that your thoughts never congeal, they are constantly evolving, evolving the formulas – hence, I would say, the attraction to philosophy and minds such as those of Thoreau. He never closed himself off to the wonders of being curious and exploring possibilities and where they may lead. His mind never narrowed to become inflexible, he did not fear being wrong because he wasn’t attached to being right, he was an adventurer of the grey areas, the blending which occurs between extremes and absolutes. So are you 🙂

                      The comparison between your enjoyment of philosophy class versus your struggle through calculus class is brilliant! You’ve just given me an insight into why I found school to be so stifling and stressful. For all the investigating I like to do, I’d never considered it from this perspective. Your description of calculus class is very similar to the experience of having a relationship with a narc. And your description of philosophy class is similar to how it feels to have a relationship with someone in a healthy manner.

                      In a healthy relationship we feel stimulated, appreciated, seen and heard, we look forward to being with the other person, interacting and being interacted with. They feel the same way. It’s a dynamic of equality, mutual respect and the energy flows both ways and is inspiring for all those involved. When you’re with someone who is interested in you, it brings out more of who you are and it is a discovery process for both of you. Their genuine interest in you encourages your genuine interest in them, and your interest in them encourages their interest in you. You both give and receive nourishing energy. The relationship is one of willing participation, of evolution, growth, movement… it has elements of an adventure which you’re both on, together and apart – separate individuals sharing their paths without trespassing or trying to subvert each other from the individual path. That kind of thing.

                      Like with your friend and your conversation about the other possible ways to look at being submissive. She has probably had similar experiences and is sharing her experiences and what she has learned with you, by sharing with you it helps her and helps you. And your sharing your experiences with her helps you and her. It’s a mutual appreciation society which is flowing and growing, going somewhere which is stimulating for both of you. You’re both ‘raising your hands and discussing things, all answers are considered right in some ways or another’ and you’re both giving the class too and encouraging raising of hands, questions asked and answers offered, seeing where it leads and what opens up 🙂

                      Whereas with your narc friend things were more like in calculus class – she would offer you a problem, one of her problems, and then she’d wait for you to try and figure it out, fix it, but no matter what you came up with, it was always wrong, the decimal point was always in the wrong place. Occasionally she would let you get it right in those moments when it looked like you were going to walk out of class and give up, to keep you struggling hoping to get a passing grade.

                      What do you think?


              • My regressionist (real word? heh) said the same thing, not to place pressure on myself or the experience, but I was paying a lot of money and really could not help hoping for a profound experience. I’m sure if one listens to their inner voice as you did, they cannot go wrong in choosing whether or not to pursue past lives. Like you, it is just one more part of my own tapestry now.

                I loved that link to the ‘dream tribe!’ It is invigorating to my hopes for humankind that they have been able to endure in this manner.

                Thank you for the follow, too. No worries. WordPress seems to be quirky and causes unfollows sometimes,and we all have our own approach to blogging and blogging relationships anyway, so I try not to take anything personally.

                I can appreciate your attempt to get away from the self-editing habit. If it were not for the fact that I am having a devil of a time typing on my laptop right now (kid1 picked off significant portion of the keys a couple of days ago and it was operating at a snail’s pace already), I would reply at more length myself. I really enjoyed your reply, though, and wanted to say so before the moment passed away. 🙂


                • What do I think? I think your analogy is right on! Being in a relationship with a narc is just like that…the decimal point is always just off by a bit. It’s like you almost had it but no, you are never right. They want to keep you guessing. I hate calculus and narcissists- equally annoying & frustrating, ha ha…


                • Thank you 🙂

                  It’s strange sometimes that the most profound experience is often triggered by a shallow one, or a collection of shallow ones which add up, gathering together and creating momentum until a seemingly sudden deep awakening happens. Blogging has been kind of like that for me. It all started with a small gift which was kind of silly, at least I thought it was silly, a token of humour… I had no idea that it would lead where it has, and there are times when I get overwhelmed by it all, by the path taken and all the things which have happened since and keep happening.

                  Sometimes the things which we think are going to have a big effect on us and our lives prove to be insignificant, and the things which we consider insignificant prove to be monumental.

                  I love interacting with you, there is so much rich food for thought in what you share ❤

                  Whenever something occurs with my computer, I tend to see it as message of some sort. Like right now my internet connection keeps dropping off, especially at the weekends, and because I can't 'connect' with this world, it pushes me to 'connect' with other worlds – get things I might otherwise put off done 😉

                  So… missing keyboard keys… which keys were they and what might they symbolise?


                  • Very true, regarding the consequential and inconsequential things. It can all get spun around a time or three before you’re done uncovering significances, too. 😀

                    Thank you for the compliment! I’m honored that you think so. You prepare a rich thought banquet yourself! lol

                    I was ablt to recover the L finally, but knm,./ and Enter are still missing. I haven’t the slightest what their significance could be. You could very well be right about logging off and taking care of business. I am just coming to the end of a particularly exhausting streak and may have to take some time to recover. 🙂


                    • I wonder what significance kid1 gave to the keys, and why were those ones picked off and picked, while others were not. Children see the magic and symbolism in things where adults only see things. It’s wonderful to explore through the perception of a child (even if the perception of the child can cause inconvenience to the adult 😉 ).

                      Thank you for sharing, you’re right, the banquet is rich for both of us ❤


  4. I find this new poetical vein ogf yours very dense and rich of meaning. Thank you for the quotes from the Cummings’s poem i didn’t know! I read a wonderful book by Diane Ackerman, A natural history of the senses which made a difference for me.
    And your pictures..the water texture is so vivid and full of energy, I can see a classical statue bending over, as though it was ready to walk. But it’s the feeling i get from the water waving and playing the role of a Mirror and adding its own non material essence, I love it.
    So good to see you, The Picture itself!!!! And your hair, isn’t it? You are stunning! To me it’s not a selfie but a real portrait, with your taste for humour.
    I have always thought each one has a particular inner psychological texture, some are concrete, some are plastic, some are wind, some are wool or grass, when I am close to someone i have some sudden sensations and a word coming up to the surface to define their texture how i sense it.


    • Thank you very much 🙂

      Yes, that’s my hair. I was messing with my phone while waiting for someone, taking a pic of my hair seemed to be something to do, of course they turned up just as I was taking the pic and gave me a quizzical look, to which I replied very logically – I’m trying to figure out what colour my hair is! 😉

      I love what you say about the sensory textures you pick up from people. It’s tactile! And so true! I was having a conversation with someone about something similar, how certain people seem to have sharp edges and others are doughy, and how we relate to how people feel to us depending on our own texture, and the texture of our mood when we interact with them.

      There are some interesting ‘tests’ here – – which explore our perception of people and things. The Disgust one is intriguing. There is also one which explores Art and Personality. And one about Face Perception. I have to admit I argued with the results of many of these tests, but that was revealing too.

      What we see in the world around us, and in ourselves, has so many textures and layers. It’s fascinating to observe our own perception at work and play.

      I love what you saw in the water photo, your psyche is speaking to you through what you see… beautiful!


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