By the Pricking of my Blogging Thumbs…

So…

I have a small quandary with which you may be able to help.

Whether you are a blogger or not,

whether you comment on blogs,

on this blog,

or not…

You have an opinion and a voice,

and personal experience fueling that opinion and voice,

and I need it right now because the quandary is connected to voices and censorship and such,

and I love feedback

and feedforward.

.

So…

The other day I received a comment on one of my posts – Insensitivity Training – Learning From Narcissists

It’s a fairly old and obscure post,

compared to some of the others I’ve written,

about one of many perspectives I play with when trying to figure out this and that about NPD,

and how those who have it have affected me.

.

I like to try things out, experiment.

I explore options and tangents and ideas… that’s what I do.

The more I do that, the more I sort things out, figure things out…

sometimes because I realise I’m on to something,

and sometimes because I realise I am wronger than wrong and need to rethink my strategy,

and many other variations on a theme.

.

I question myself,

I question others,

I can be… a bit blunt… a bit abrupt…

a bit of a pain in the ass when I have a bee in my bonnet.

Mars in Scorpio, I blame you! (kidding, sort of, not really)

.

Usually after writing a post what I’ve really figured out is what is going on within myself.

My story.

Here and now, and there and then.

Or something like that.

That’s why I write,

post,

share.

.

So…

The comment:

“I stumbled upon this blog. Could you tell me who you are and how I can reach you? Have you written any books? Are you a professional counselor? Do you offer office visits?”

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My reply:

“I can be reached via the comments on my blog – I don’t have an email connected to my blog at this time. I haven’t written any books. I am not a professional counselor, so no office and no visits or anything else which professional counselors do. I’m just a regular person with a personal blog wherein I share my thoughts and experiences and my attempts at figuring things out in the posts on my blog. That is all.

There is a bit more about me on the ‘About’ page of this blog – on the bar at the top of the blog page – and in all of my posts, but I’m guessing you would prefer for me to know about you and the reason you stumbled on my blog. You have a personal experience and story which you’d like to share, concerning NPD?

If you can bring yourself to share your story in a comment, which is public, please feel free to share. There is no way to contact me privately at this time.

If you want to discuss a relationship with a narcissist – Kim Saeed of http://letmereach.com/ – does private consultations to help those who have been a victim of a narcissist.

There are many resources for those dealing with NPD in one form or another, forums, blogs, run by those who have experienced NPD personally, and experts who deal with it professionally. It is an issue which is very much in the public mind’s eye, so it is being covered from many angles and perspectives.

Thank you :)”

.

Their reply to my reply:

“Thank you for your response. Would you mind removing my first post? Sorry about that.”

.

My reply to their reply to my reply:

“I prefer not to delete conversations on my blog. Part of my reason for that is outlined in this post.

Your question was a good one, and is one which someone else may have if they stumble upon this post as you did. Your question and my reply may answer their question too. That is one of the benefits of sharing information and ourselves.

However if it is important to you to remove your comment, which will also require removing my reply, I will do so.

I would appreciate knowing your reason for asking for the comment to be removed. Usually when someone asks me to do something, I like to know why I am being asked to do it before I acquiesce to their request, especially when I am being asked to do something which I would not normally do.

Thank you 🙂

.

Their reply to my reply to their reply to my reply:

“Could you keep the question but change the name such as create a fictitious name like Angie? Thanks so much.”

.

So…

What do you think?

What do you think I should do?

Or what would you do if you were in this position faced with this scenario?

.
One of the things I did do along the chain of replies was to Google this commenter’s name.

There were a lot of results connected to one person, which left me with even more questions to my quandary.

One of those questions being – why would someone who is an online public figure of sorts want to hide their visit to my blog?

Are they afraid this comment will come up in search results or…???

.A

Why are they asking me to cover their tracks for them?

Why did they not comment anonymously in the first place?.

.

Actions = consequences…

I don’t actually see any consequences of any consequence for those particular actions which would need covering of tracks,

but,

I’m not them,

and since the issue hasn’t been adequately explained…

It’s either suspicious…

suspect…

Or…

What exactly?

Why?

.

I know what I would prefer to do…

I’d leave things as is,

as I don’t see what the problem is and the problem they see with it,

my empathy is malfunctioning…

and… so is theirs…

they refuse to explain the issue so that I can see it too.

Why?

Just a few words and all is clear, right?

Rather than a few words making things even more unclear…

.

This reminds me of something…

.

But I do like to be considerate of others…

…even when they are not being considerate of me?

Hmmmm.

What to do?

.

It could just be…

a misunderstanding…

or a mountain slowly growing out of a molehill…

.

This reminds me of something…

…something contained in the post on which the comment was made.

And therein lies the nub and rub of my quandary.

.

Please help and share your view…

your views are much appreciated.

.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll just ‘unapprove’ their comment.

It seems the least complicated option,

the easy option,

and yet…

it bothers me.

.

Why is this so complicated,

it really doesn’t need to be, does it?

and yet…

it bothers me.

.

.

bothered.

.
When something bothers me…
.
it’s a pricking of my thumbs,
which should not be ignored…
.

Not sure what it is, maybe you can help me to find it.

.
.
.
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39 thoughts on “By the Pricking of my Blogging Thumbs…

  1. If the person was so concerned with the dilemma of having their name on there instead of posting anonymously … this baffles me. The person essentially dug themselves into a hole and it’s their own fault.

    I don’t know about you, but I give people the option to email me if they have a dynamic question or concern. However, this comment of yours may want to showcase themselves by commenting on the blog itself. Regardless, there are anonymous methods that can be taken despite options. Make up a fake email for cryin’ out loud. I would remove the name just this once. If it happens again to anyone … too bad.

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I went with the option of changing their name on the comment. Seems a fair compromise.

      What perplexed me about this is that they revealed nothing about themselves to warrant deletion other than their name. People often reveal far more about themselves, their private lives, online, on my blog via comments, but this person shared nothing of themselves – except the name. So I Googled it and the results kind of make more sense of their request, they’ve got an online persona to maintain. Why did they not consider that and use an anonymous name in the first place? The optional answers to that is what got me wondering and posting about it.

      I don’t have a ‘contact me’ to go with my blog. My contact me is through comments. I’m guessing this person would have used email to contact me if it was available… which is partly why I like to not have that as an option. At the moment anyway.

      I try to be sociable on social media… being sociable is not my strong point 😉

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      1. Oh, well. To each their own, right?

        As having a good chunk of social media outlets for my own, I’m not one to socialize as well. Perhaps it’s because my “work” pertains to social media and conversations. What once was a pleasure is now more tedious than anything else. It’s even caused me to scale back on WordPress a bit … writing, but I’m still reading (despite lack of comments and likes).

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        1. Socialising, wherever we do it, has so many layers to it, so much going on in the simplest of interactions, worlds within words.

          Take, for instance, what you just said. On the surface it appears that you’re chatting with me, and you are, however you’re also talking with anyone who happens upon this post and reads your comment, and you’re also chatting with yourself, talking to yourself as you wrote those words (and you spoke to yourself about which words to use and how and why, and which words not to use – what to say and what not to say, what would be accepted and what might be rejected, what you wanted to say and perhaps what is wanted to be heard, etc).

          Each word branches off into a conversation which you’re having with yourself, and those conversations are connected by threads to things which others have said, in the past and the present, some to you, some which you’ve overheard between others, some in writing which you’ve read, etc, and so one word is like a small hand holding many strings which are attached to balloons, thought and speech bubbles, with words and images and sensations, bubbles which have smaller bubbles attaching them to other bubbles.

          And each person you interact with has a similar rich, intricate, vast world within them which stretches far out of them.

          And that is one of the reasons why socialising is not my strong point, because I say things like this instead of something simple, because I hear things like this instead of what is simple… I can never figure out what simple is because even just saying – Thank you for reading, commenting and liking – is not simple, it is so much more than that 🙂

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  2. Greetings, Ursula 🙂 First, thank you for naming me as a resource. You have no idea how much that means to me. Just makes me wanna climb up the wall, lie on the ceiling with you, and kick up some cyber-bubbles together 🙂

    I often get requests to delete comments, but it’s usually when someone has used their real name instead of a fictitious gravatar name. In most cases, it’s a matter of someone wanting to remain anonymous because their disordered partner goes behind them and checks out their online activity. That’s why I took down my community board and Facebook board that displayed pics of my followers, though I felt a little sad in doing so.

    It’s a bit odd that the questions asked of you could have been found by a simple browsing of your site. Anyone who has written books or offers counseling would certainly state such things…so, yes, I agree there’s something odd about the whole thing, though I also concur with what olivebranch wrote…your posts do incite strong emotions (I know they do with me), and the person just commented on impulse, seeing you as very wise on the matter, in which case they were correct.

    The only odd thing that remains is, for someone who wants to leave such comments, you’d think they would have already created an anonymous or fictitious gravatar…unless, in this case, they stumbled across your blog and was so inspired they created a gravatar on the spot just to reach out…

    If it were me, I’d probably go ahead and change the name. At least then I wouldn’t be creating any possible karmic debt for myself, in the event the request was legit…although I do believe your intuition recognized something off-kilter about the matter…

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I completely agree, the request is not unusual, it’s just strange in the context it was in, especially once I Googled her name. She’s got a min online empire of motivational speaking of sorts. Yet she revealed nothing about herself except her name, but she’s not an online newbie so… I don’t know but something seems… to keep bringing up Shakespearean quotes when I think of this scenario.

      However I did go with the name change request, it was a middle ground meeting place compromise which seemed to cover both sides of the situation. And not because of trying to keep my karma good (it may be too late for that) and trying not to incur bad karmic debt, that concept (my version of it) got me deeply stuck in narc territory a while back, so these days I figure I’ll leave karma to karma, let it decide what’s debt and what is credit and what is tax owed.

      I’m sorry to hear that you had to shut down your community and Fb board. You have such an amazing ability to mix compassion and insight, to cut to the chase while also soothing the pain of cutting to the chase. The more people whom you can reach, the better, especially on such a complex and painful issue. Unfortunately being in a relationship with a narc usually means that people are not being paranoid because someone really is after them and stalking their every step.

      I use my nickname online because I’d rather my NPD mother didn’t find me. Every now and then I’d like to share my father’s work, but I can’t because I know she searches his name online all the time, and now that he’s dead she considers his work to be hers (which she considered it to be before he died). So, there you go.

      If humans can make something simple complicated, they will… and when that human has NPD or has been affected by it, the complications have complications.

      Thank you very much for sharing, your insights always help me ❤

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  3. I have had people make that request several times. Usually it is because they are afraid their partner will find it. I wondered too why they didn’t use an alias to start with but i have gone back and changed names on several comments and I have also deleted comments and I have unapproved some comments when I wanted to keep the comment for future reference.
    If they are quite active on the net and their name comes up in a search it is quite feasible that they comment would show up if someone Googled their name. I know some of my comments appear when my name is Googled. i don’t know how they come up with which ones show up and which ones don’t but they do show up. I never wanted to be responsible (in a round about way) for someone’s ex finding out and getting revenge on them.
    Hope that helps

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    1. The request in and of itself isn’t unusual. People do sometimes reveal private things online and on blogs when they share their story – and it makes sense if they ask you to delete it, make it private, but they usually explain this in their request. But this person didn’t reveal anything about themselves or their story except for their name, and they knew they were doing that – and they don’t appear to be an online newbie. If they did it deliberately and then changed their mind, all I want to know is why, explain the request at least – which may be asking too much, and obviously is.

      I think something in my reply caused the change of mind. Maybe. Maybe not. An explanation would have been appreciated, but I’ll settle for their compromise of changing their name.

      Something just doesn’t add up, and for me that’s a red flag of some sort.

      Thank you for sharing 🙂

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  4. I think it was innocent. That was my initial instinct after reading it the first time. I think this person, read your post and reacted. Your posts can be like that…they make you react. I have felt this many times, since you are able to put the words to what so many people feel but are unable to say. It is sometimes the first time that you read something that confirms the deep feelings that you are unable to articulate. I think this because the person did not investigate further about you, they didn’t care to do the leg work themselves. They did not look at your About’ page or other posts which would have very clearly answered the questions which you were asked. I think this person reacted impulsively to what you wrote…it hit a chord-and they proceeded to ask you questions (staying silent themselves) and wanting you to divulge more.

    What they didn’t realize though is that when entering the name details while replying, that it would be seen by everyone. Someone with ulterior motives would not do this…sneaky people have a plan. Innocent ones are so caught up in how they are feeling and the emotions that you elicited in them that they feel overwhelmed and quickly respond. Once they saw their name with the comment…they realized they broke the silence…the silence that you were referencing about when being in a relationship with a narcissist. Everything looks fine from the outside but they are screaming from the inside. This person is used to censoring themselves and appearing perfect. Since they have a persona online- they were scared that it would get out that they were looking at a topic on narcissists. They were probably looking for personal reasons but when they saw their name next to their post, they freaked out (inside) but responded in a calm, to the point way (properly done without any info given) in how they responded to you. You gave them lots of info in your response which scared them.

    SO, I think your response was appropriate but I would not look further into it. If you want to swat my rose colored glasses off my face, this would be the time. I have personally decided that even after being screwed by a narc, that I will be cautious but not let this taint the innocence and goodness that rests in most of us. So there you have it.

    Side note…I like how you put “fictitious name like Angie”- made me laugh. I have to say I would have picked a cooler fictitious name like Rapunzel or the likes-blah.

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    1. Ha! You spotted my naughty 😀 She asked for ‘a fictitious name like Angie’, so I gave it to her. Mind you those who are actually called Angie may have something to say about whether such a name is fictitious or not. When choosing a fictitious name, surely fictitious = let the imagination loose! Potato / pohtahtoh.

      You have such an eagle eye, I’ve noticed it before and always admire it, goes well with that brilliant mind.

      Speaking of eyes, I would never deliberately break your rose-coloured glasses but I can’t guarantee it won’t happen accidentally, I’m a bit of a klutz, however if I did do it accidentally I’d lend you mine while I got yours fixed 🙂

      I know… you updated your comment and your glasses are broken. Here’s the thing, they’re not really broken, they have a switch which allows you to adjust the light and colour, turn them on and off, dim them or have them on high, for you and for those whom you look at who earn the highest glow of rose. Certain people require that we dim the rose glow down and maybe even turn it off when looking at them. That’s all!

      I’m all for accepting people as they present themselves, makes sense to do that. Innocent until they prove themselves otherwise, and even then, it’s a question of degrees. We’re all a bit guilty, but of what? That’s why we ask questions and learn from the answers. Sometimes the questions/answers tell us about ourselves, sometimes they reveal others, usually it’s a bit of both. We live and learn, and live to learn again, and learn to live again.

      And this – This person is used to censoring themselves and appearing perfect. – I think is spot on. But when someone asks us to help them censor themselves (which may require censoring ourselves too) so they can continue to censor themselves and appear perfect… Hmmmm.

      Thank you for sharing, lots of food for thought here 🙂

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  5. My first thought is that this person wanted *you* to know who they are (but not necessarily anyone else; thus using their name for you to see then asking to have it removed or changed…that move *also* drew more attention to them from you, making it more likely you would be curious about them)….and they wanted to know who *you* are. I feel like not all the questions were genuine; only the ones that might lead to your ‘IRL” identity. Where the dotted line may be (as in why they’d want to know who you are or how they could be connected to someone that would want to know) would be something you would be more able to fill in, since you know who they are. That’s my impression anyway. If it helps inform my input any, I’m an INFJ Sagittarius Sun, Cancer Ascendant and Cancer Full Moon (12th house) with a 6th house stellium; did 16 years with a narc (one realizes it IS kinda like ‘doing time’ once you wake the hell up!) after having had a martyr narcissist mother. In any case, I DO think your intuition is correct that there is more going on with it than appears on the surface of it. I don’t see any harm in honoring their request, but I’d keep an eye out and keep following your intuitions path with this.

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      That is a very interesting perspective and one which had not occurred to me, that she wanted me to know who she was – I now know that she is a motivational speaker of sorts, who seems to focus on inspiring women, helping others, and promotes ideas such as – that people should live with the consequences of their choices. Hmmm.

      My INTP side tends to go with – if you want me to know who you are just tell me who you are (and then I’ll investigate and see if I agree with your assessment of yourself 😉 ).

      I think my initial assessment of her original comment and the questions she asked was wrong. I based my assessment and my reply on other comments similar in style (yet usually more forthcoming, and willing to share themselves). Her reaction to my reply prompted me to reassess what she actually wanted from me. Which triggered my suspicious Mars in Scorpio in the 3rd house, since it aspects my airhead Mercury in a square – questioning everything happened.

      Actually when I first read her comment, my initial reaction was to ask why she wanted that information, but then my Venus in Pisces stepped in.

      I’m guessing that something about my reply bothered her and she regretted contacting me. That is quite a common occurrence in my life. So she wanted to erase the traces of the interaction… which set of my Nadar (narcissist radar), as only narcissists tend to want to erase interactions (with your complicity) which don’t go the way that they want them to, non-narcissists tend to just shrug and move on in similar situations. If it’s deleted then it never happened and all is well in the narc’s world.

      I have no idea if she is a narcissist, her willingness to compromise says probably not (and I’m going with the compromise of keeping the comment but changing her name), the scenario just reminded me of the sort of complications which occur when dealing with narcissists, and since the comment was on a post about NPD… my mind connected dots and made a picture, a doodle.

      Love your style, and MBTI + Astro. I’d interpret it as = cutting through the confusion with intuitive insight and straight-talking.

      I have my Moon in the 12th too. I remember when I was first exploring astrology reading that the Moon in the 12th could signify that your mother (Moon) is a hidden enemy (12th house), and that she may use your empathy (12th house Moon enhances empathy) against you. Martyric narcs tend to do that non-stop. And the ‘doing time’ reference also works with the 12th as it represents institutions such as prison or an insane asylum (which describes what home feels like when growing up with a narc).

      Best wishes, and thank you for sharing, my cogs are turning 😀

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  6. It’s possible one could be rankled by the imposition and presumptuousness of such a request, or how it might look to third parties who are unaware of the request. My suspicion is that your unease lies elsewhere.

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      That – My suspicion is that your unease lies elsewhere. – is a very good point. And is one of the reasons I decided to turn this situation into a post, to see where it may lead, what it may reveal, and to see if others could offer insight and alternative perspectives. The eyes of others can see what we sometimes miss even when it is right in front of us and their voices when shared can guide us.

      There were certain elements which reminded me of my experiences with narcissists, especially since the comment was on a post about NPD. So I’m aware that I may see things in the interaction which are not there, that the unease may come from elsewhere and thus lies elsewhere. It’s something I keep an eye out for.

      However sometimes what lies elsewhere also lies here.

      Many years ago when I was devouring Agatha Christie’s books, something Miss Marple said, a method which she used, struck me as genius and stuck with me. It was something along the lines of – if someone new whom you meet reminds you of someone old whom you know, chances are they may be very similar in traits, character, behaviour. – it can be used to know when to trust and to know when not to trust and in many other ways.

      Agatha Christie used the quote from Shakespeare’s MacBeth – “By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes.” – as a title for one of her books, and it came to mind when I was trying to think of a title for this post.

      Our minds often make connections, spot subtle hints, clues and cues, and inform us through intuition and instinct. Sometimes it reveals something about ourselves, sometimes it’s about someone else, sometimes it is about the blending of two people and the resulting interaction which holds something for both involved.

      This interaction made my thumbs prick… maybe it’s warning me, not necessarily about this person, but about something else which in some way is connected to this scenario.

      All I know is something in me screamed – Don’t delete this! – not sure why yet. I have an idea, but it is on the paranoid delusion side, so I’m waiting for something a little bit more logical to surface.

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  7. i used to run a large-ish discussion forum, thats long fallen into disuse, but i still get contacted by people to remove their posts, the most recent ones, because they didnt want it picked up by prospective employers… at first i was like,… do you put your internet username on your CV these days? lol. i realise its a bit different from a blog tho, and the content over there is certainly nowhere near as potentially sensitive… but i believe in respecting our users wishes, and anonymity can still be important… (and honestly, some people NEED to be censored for their own good haha – but more so that of others perhaps)

    i do understand other concerns tho, such as if this person is in need of help… giving the link to kims website is great, i might leave other information such as further websites or a list of books and authors, but other than that, yeah, leave them a message, asking, are you ok? and then i would just delete it… since they asked…

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I’m rather territorial about my blog. It’s the one place where I put myself first, which is something I’ve always had a difficult time doing (due to growing up with narcs) and although I like to be considerate of others, here I’m considerate of myself first – and considering the post upon which this comment was made – a post about learning to be less sensitive – there was a certain irony to the request and situation, which was compounded once I looked this person up, they’re a motivational speaker of sorts, and saw a recent post on their website which said something along the lines of – people should live with the consequences of their choices.

      I don’t mind being asked to remove a comment by someone who made it as long as they explain why – like the people on your forum did when they made a similar request – but this person did not do that. They offered no explanation even after I asked for one. It didn’t have to be an in depth explanation. So I’ve gone with their second request and changed their name. That seemed like a good compromise.

      Certain aspects of this interaction reminded me of what inspired the post which they commented upon.

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      1. Your intuition was spot on. It was bloody uncomfortable due to her fears/defences and the fact she is struggling but probably didn’t want that to be known as it may affect her credibility (to her mind) . She was asking you to do something that did not sit well with you, but because you have compassion because of your depth and insight it became a quandary for you as you accept and know people are wounded and filled with all kinds of fears, aversions, cover ups etc etc. Maybe she wanted to share at depth with you more deeply personal details when you keep up certain boundaries she obviously realised she did not want to share about her life so publically and so she asked you to delete her comments. You honoured what she wanted, even though it went against the grain for you. From my perspective that shows a kind of inherent Serenity Prayer attitude. You didn’t try to change someone but let it go even though inwardly you cant quiet as you know she was not willing to be ruthlessly honest. You respected her wishes. And that shows the person you are deep inside. I have something related to share on this that I experienced last week. It was a woman in a group I am involved with who wanted to cover up her true gut story of her childhood dysfunction and abuse,, addiction and recovery due to the fact she was an academic and didn’t want it to be known in academic circles. She feared people’s judgement that cause she was an adult child of dysfunction she would be looked down or. Or she wanted to protect her true self and keep up a false professional persona??? At least that is what I thought. Was it the scared child, deep inside hiding? Was this a necessary protective strategy due to the judgement that can exist in our society?. Im sure there is much more to it than that. But these are some of my thoughts. I can really understand how it didn’t sit well with you.

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        1. Interactions are where our story meets the story of another. It’s rarely simple when that happens. Are we seeing them or are we seeing ourselves, usually it is a combination of the two. It depends. Trying to figure out what is what, who is who, can be mind calisthenics. Trying to understand what the combination of two stories equals can stretch our muscles beyond their elasticity point.

          I think one of the aspects which bothered me the most about this interaction was that it was unbalanced – it was all about what she wanted from me. It was all about her, her story. It may have appeared that she was interested in me and my story, at first, but… At first she wanted me to answer her questions, questions which she did not explain why they were being asked. My answer bothered her, or maybe she was bothered by having asked the questions which she did, maybe she regretted asking them the second after she published her comment. Whatever the case she wanted to erase all traces of the interaction, an interaction which she instigated for her own reasons, reasons which she chose not to share, just as she chose not to share her reasons why she wanted me to erase the interaction. She summoned me, then dismissed me. But to dismiss me she needed my cooperation… my complicity in being dismissed. Along the lines of ‘this never happened, it is our little secret to be forever forgotten…’ until it perhaps suits her to recall it.

          I did appreciate her offering a compromise, and I accepted the compromise as far as resolving the issue was concerned. She was making a mountain out of a molehill, or so it seemed, or was she making a molehill out of a mountain? And what about me? Did I do something similar? That was very much on my mind – am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Yet there are many time when I have made a molehill out of a mountain and wished I’d acknowledged the mountain… before it became even bigger and harder to climb, circumvent or tunnel through. Stories… mine, others’…

          Social media = society. individuals = society = social media.

          So, the judgement of others which we fear so much may just be our own judgement projected onto others… judgement within and without… it can also be our own judgement of others boomeranging back at us.

          This whole being human thing is complicated enough to deal with as an individual, its sum increases when we realise that the individuals is part of a collective made of many individuals.

          Sorry… going off on a total tangent, and yet that tangent will return eventually to its starting point.

          My interactions with you always inspire thought journeys 🙂

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          1. Yes, there was a lot to the interaction. It also felt to me she wanted something of you but it also depended on you being a certain someone. I would have thought that just your experience is enough to mean you have so much to give, did you really need a qualification? This was a bit on the nose. I thought. I think you are really onto something with the judgement aspect though. We do project our own judgement out and there seemed to be a fear of being seen, she wanted to be hidden. That’s a bit Plutonian, do you think? Please give me an invisible helmet to wear so no one can see who I REALLY am.
            Don’t apologise for tangents. There so much complexity to life. I’m like that too. I tend to look at things from a heap of different angles. And then probably miss some too. 🙂

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            1. What you said – “I would have thought that just your experience is enough to mean you have so much to give, did you really need a qualification?” – touched upon something which I think we can all relate to in many ways.

              Pluto is an interesting way to look at it, especially considering t-Pluto in Cap – what lies behind those foundations? What are the foundations of those qualifications? Is the knowledge, the qualification and the quality of the qualification, intellectual or experiential, one or the other or perhaps a blend of both?

              I’d add Neptune to the mix too. It has a powerful yet often subtle influence. Ideal versus reality. Ideal + reality. Perfect/imperfect… hmmm.

              In typical natal Pluto/Uranus influencing the 1st – rebel/rebel – style, I tend to be relieved by the very things which stress others out, and I get stressed out by the things which relieve others.

              I’m going to do something I don’t normally do because I’m super private (Scorpio 3rd house/12th house Virgo Moon), and I apply to others what I apply to myself (albeit usually in a more tempered/gentler form when applied to others) – see your email.

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  8. Agree with your interpretation of the situation, and I like what alienorajt says. Personally, I would change the name for the person and leave the comment up. Her problems are her problems, but I don’t like the idea that someone could be caused discomfort over such a small thing–she was reaching out, however clumsily. I think it may bother you because you aren’t prone to hide from the Truth–but there are many people not ready to face their own truth just yet (which can look a lot like dishonesty to others), and she sounds like one of them–

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I agree, I changed the name and left the comments. It’s the solution which respects both sides of the story – the middle meeting ground.

      The initial comment seemed fairly straightforward, I sometimes get similar comments, lots of blogs do, so there was nothing unusual there. It was the subsequent comment which did not make sense… if my interpretation of the first comment was correct, but what if the first comment had an entirely different interpretation from the one I had given it, one which I had not considered. The third comment piqued my curiosity and activated the need to investigate matters.

      Looking this person up made the situation curiouser and curiouser. They are a motivational speaker of sorts with quite a loud online presence – if you Google their name. Obviously they’re controlling their online image, which is why they wanted their comment deleted or the name changed on my blog, but if they’re so conscious of controlling what comes up when people search their name online why use the name in the first place.

      There were several things which jarred. I tried to brush it off, told myself not to make something out of nothing, but it kept demanding my attention – somewhere along the way I’ll figure out why. Things which demand our attention usually have connections to other things in our life.

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      1. I’ve had similar experiences–and oddly enough, they’re always with people working in advising and counseling. I think they get into some environments and blurt things out, then panic, when what they said isn’t so bad (or traceable!) And yes, I think you’re right, things which demand our attention usually do have connections to other areas–ones we are avoiding.
        Thanks for another thought-provoking, and thoughtful, blog post!

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  9. I was going to say something “funny,” like call the national guard or charge them boo koo bucks for allowing you to beat them naked with a bible, or some other strange and obscure fetish skit (sorry I have a masochistic sense of humor). But of course that would compound the issue if there really is one to begin with (and not be funny). Good news is your conscience seems to be working well, if not too much, and deliberating scientifically is the way to go; while not over strumming your philosophical empathy chord, take the middle path. Is it a taste? Of course it is, but in the end its only a choice, your choice, and I don’t see any real moral imperative or danger either way. But then again I have been completely blind before; are there killer narcs in the water? My partner helps me with such questions…more heads the better. I actually changed my “name” recently, after realizing you don’t use your frigging real name for this sort of blog, but would ask someone to delete something, no, and 50/50 on ulterior motive for meeting thing. Depends on the hurt factor, was it a profound blog, did it help more people then removing could potential help…there’s got to be some science…what’s in the “name” anyway, like you asked? My motives for what I do online sometimes is sexually motivated (big surprise there huh) which, from what he experts say, is linked to hyper sexuality (libido) from childhood abuse. So always reason the “why” and you’ll find the motive.

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    1. The online world is similar in many ways to the offline one, the same people offline exist online only they have a bit more freedom and anonymity which means things can get even more complicated online than they are offline.

      Online narcs are sometimes easier to spot than offline ones.

      I’m not sure if this person is a narc, it was more that certain aspects of the interaction reminded me of dealing with narcs.

      I can understand someone deciding that using their actual name may have been a mistake and wanting to correct the perceived mistake, however this person from what I can gather after Googling their name is not an online newbie and knew what they were doing – and what they did was innocuous to the outside observer so why did they react the way that they did? There was also a certain irony to it, they have a website and a recent post on it said that people should live with the consequences of their choices.

      Whenever something makes me go Hmmmm… I like to investigate it.

      Thank you for sharing 🙂

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      1. I have officially changed my opinion after reading this reply of yours. She wants to be like you…is that a 360 or what?! But I think your intuition was right. Her asking “who are you” is strange. She sees something in you that she desires and she wants to get her hands on it. Narc or not, who knows. But looking at it now from a different angle, I agree with Serena, she wanted you to know who she was-look at me. But she was not interested in really telling you who she was…but why? By her response, she got spooked once you responded because you called her out. You encouraged interaction but she was not interested in that, she just wants what you have and take it for her own. It’s not about give and take- it’s about taking. She realized that she shouldn’t have put her real name- delete it all…I’m nervous. I want to be the guru and take what you know and have but I am under cover…sneaky. This is interestingly annoying- just like narcs. My rose colored glasses are broken once again, damn.

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        1. I change my mind all the time, I think it’s quite healthy to do that, after all when we get new info, things need adjusting to incorporate it. Nothing is written in stone (except things which are written in stone… but the stone could turn to dust, or erode until what is written on it is illegible, I suppose).

          Serena gave an interesting perspective which I had not considered. And so have you. Your views, plus what theinfiniterally said, tap into something which I think was in the back of my mind and maybe needed to come forward. It’s something which is a bit paranoid, or at least that’s the label I’ve given it and used to brush it aside, and maybe it’s time to look at it.

          I gots me some thinking to do 🙂

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          1. I now know narc talk (scary shit)- so that was my paranoid side speaking. I am trying to disengage myself from this way of thinking. The reason for this is because it is in many ways warped. It’s OK to think warped but I think it is necessary to know that it is. I needed to think like this when trying to understand the chaos and I had to flip things upside down in order to see really what had happened to me during a relationship with a narc. It was useful at the time. BUT…I have realized for myself,it is not always useful and can be a sticking spot since it involves your own mind playing mind games with yourself. It can keep you in the mind game spiral if you are not careful. Anyways, just a thought on the “bit paranoid” that you mentioned.

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            1. One of the things people often point out to me about me is how suspicious I am of the motives of others. It’s a trait which people find unnerving. I’m aware of this and try to curb it, but it’s second nature. Sometimes it is really useful in many diverse ways. But it can create unnecessary complications.

              There is always a part of me scanning for motives and intentions. This can at times make me seem like I’m ‘psychic’ or a ‘mind-reader’.

              Growing up with narcissists, you learn very quickly to be paranoid – because narcissists are paranoid. They’re paranoid of everything and everyone. And being paranoid around a narcissist is a healthy state of mind because they never doing anything for you without having a motive for it which benefits them. If a narcissist gives you a gift – it’s got many strings attached. They view the gifts others give them that way too, because they think that others operate as they do (only they’re more clever, or so they think).

              If a narcissist parent picks their child up from school, they’re not just a normal parent doing what parents do, there are strings attached, ulterior motives.

              Being paranoid around a narcissist is healthy self-preservation. Being paranoid around everyone else is unhealthy (for the most part).

              What I tend to do is take people at face value, believe what they say and do, until something ‘illogical’ breaks the flow of logic. As that can signal a red flag. That the person is not who they appear to be and that their motives aren’t the ones they’re showing and giving.

              So trust others until something arises to put that trust in doubt – then check it out. Question it. Doubt serves a valuable purpose too. Sometimes it turns out to be a misunderstanding, a clash of styles. Sometimes it alerts you to something worth exploring which may lead to a positive discovery, as much as it can lead to a negative one – sometimes it is a warning which should be heeded.

              Everything we experience has both positive and negative within it, and many shades in between. Trust yourself, and what your experiences teach you. Awareness of nuances is a fascinating exploration into all the alternate realities in this world 🙂

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              1. Thanks so much! I also liked your rose colored glasses description (in a previous comment) when you said how you can dim the light and color depending on who you are with. That will be a visual that will stay with me forever. Knowing when and when not to be suspicious is so key. This experience has taught me a lot about myself, others & life. Appreciate your insights:)

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                1. Always trust yourself, even when doubts arise – those doubts often come from the same place as certainty and have a purpose. It’s up to us to know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em. 😉 Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don’t… it’s all copacetic, eventually, one way or another. Always be gentle with yourself!

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  10. Whoever doesn’t accept to be disapproved, is in trouble..and, on top of it, if this is supposed to taint their public image, it’s even worse.Guess what? I feel we are in front of someone who wanted to know how their mind is functioning from people who are on the other side of the fence.Sorry I am blunt today, but I am enjoying my right to express myself in my middle age crisis discovery…

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    1. I love bluntness!!! I find it a very beautiful expression of self, it is a breath of vocal fresh air 🙂

      I’m really not sure what this person wanted, it became increasingly unclear with each progression. I had that Alice feeling of… “Curiouser and curiouser!”

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  11. My very strong feeling here, Ursula, is that you should trust your instinct; it seems to be giving a very loud siren call to you – and, reading your piece, I got a sense of unease too. I ‘feel’ negative and desperate energy in the original question – and the request for you to cover it up in some way makes me suspicious. If this person needs help, he/she should be going to a professional counsellor – and not hoping to pick up some assistance from a blogger.
    xxx

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      Blogging is a strange experience at times, especially if you weigh in on a hot topic. Narcissism is the only hot topic which I tackle online, and my posts about my experience and perspectives of it get quite a lot of views and comments. Many people bravely share their stories. Occasionally people ask to speak with me privately and I prefer not to do that. I do understand the urge to find someone with whom to confide in, who will listen, understand and maybe help, but that’s not me. I’m still working on my own mess.

      Scenarios like this one trigger my own issues because they are unclear, they seem to be one thing and then morph into something else. That tends to set off my Nadar. I originally thought it was someone who wanted help. But now I’m not so sure, something is a bit amiss. After Googling her name, it became even more unclear as this seems to be someone who usually offers other people help and counseling.

      When things are unclear, I get suspicious, my instincts growl and I trust them, but I want to be logical about it which is why I asked for more details to clear things up.

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    1. A while ago you wrote a post – http://kimberlyharding.wordpress.com/2014/05/02/with-narcissists-the-devil-is-not-in-the-details-it-is-in-the-context/ – which is a brilliant insight into stories, our stories and other people’s stories. The details of a story are coloured by the context of it, and it is important to understand the context to understand the details.

      Sometimes a new detail may change the context because it doesn’t fit into the previous concept of the context. It may be a small detail which acts like a pin and pops the balloon of what we thought the situation was and leaves us trying to figure out what the situation actually is.

      What if you can’t quite grasp what the context is? What if the context seems to keep shifting and thus the details change with each shift of context. Then the details are in context limbo.

      That’s sort of what I felt in this instance.

      Not being certain of the context = not being certain of what actions apply.

      I’ve gone with the last request of a name change as that is a middle ground compromise. This person was willing to meet me halfway to get what they wanted and since this is social media, I think being social/sociable is the overall context.

      Thank you for sharing 🙂 it reminded me of your post and the bigger picture (context)!

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      1. I am so glad you were reminded of my post. And I would so agree with you- the context seemed “off” in your situation. Like you said, you could not quite grasp what was doing on.

        I really resonate with you on this.

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