The Child’s Narcissists

parental alienation consequences

 

I am a child of Narcissists.

According to me.

.

Sometimes listening to others,

is not a good thing.

.

Being a child of Narcissists,

According to experts is not a good thing to be.

According to other children of Narcissists, this is not a good thing to be.

According to me this is not a good thing to be…

.

But how did I come to that conclusion?

When did I come to that conclusion?

Sometimes I completely disagree with that conclusion.

.

 

I happen to be an only child.

According to some people, not sure if they’re experts or not, this is not a good thing to be.

.

only-child

.

I often wondered what it would have been like to have had siblings,

I often used to long for a sibling,

For company,

For fun,

For sharing the burden of having Narcissists as parents.

.

I often used to pretend I had siblings…

when playing on my own,

I created imaginary siblings to play with me,

but I knew they were imaginary,

and I knew that the reality would be very different,

because…

I often used to experience my parents as siblings,

that’s how they often behaved at times,

and although it could be fun,

mostly I did not like it.

So I came to the conclusion that I was better off alone.

.

According to some being alone is not a good thing.

.

Schizoid

.

According to me…

Being the only child of two Narcissists,

two parents who often behaved as though they were my siblings,

two parents who often behaved as though they were my children…

Being alone was sometimes not a good thing,

when it involved other people,

certain people in particular,

sometimes all people in general.

However when I was genuinely alone,

with no one else around,

sometimes being alone felt like the best thing in the world.

.

Where am I going with this post?

.

I read an article – Narcissistic Parents’ Impact On Children – Young and Grown by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.

which at first I thought was a good thing,

but then I got that feeling…

.

right:wrong?

.

.

When you grow up with Narcissists,

everything,

at some point,

is a bad thing.

.

Everyone is a bad thing.

.

Everyone is a thing.

.

A thing.

An object.

Objectified.

Objectionable.

.

There are good things too,

but good things can quickly become bad things.

A good thing…

is a good thing which is a bad thing.

A bad thing…

is a bad thing which is a good thing.

.

Everything is good,

everything is bad,

everything is nothing,

nothing is…

.

You are nothing,

to them…

to Narcissists…

and sometimes to people who are not Narcissists.

.

I am nothing…

.

A

No

Thing.

.

Susanna Kaysen

.

And nothing is everything.

To me,

to the Narcissist,

to others,

non-narcissists.

.

That feeling I got from reading that article…

was that,

yet again,

I was a thing.

.

A thing

someone was studying,

watching,

observing,

finding faults and flaws with it,

then pointing those faults and flaws out,

openly,

and in other more insidious ways…

for their own purposes,

purposes which they perceive as being a good thing.

.

Sometimes their good thing,

needs for you to be their bad thing,

a bad thing their good thing can fix,

maybe…

.

thomas sowell

.

It’s not his fault,

I’m sure he didn’t mean for it to come across that way,

he meant well,

he was trying to be helpful,

solve a problem…

.

(those sound like the excuses I made for my parents)

.

A problem…

the problem,

is my parents,

my parents are/were Narcissists,

I am their child,

and Adult Child of Narcissists,

An ACoN…

A CoN… a con?!?

I’d rather be an acorn…

Sorry,

a lapse,

a tangent into wordplay…

dyslexic lexicon…

I have dyslexia,

dyslexia is,

considered,

by some,

by experts,

by… you know…

to be a thing which may not be good.

.

not broken

.

So…

NPD…

is…

NPD is their wound,

which they passed onto me,

Narcissists pass their wound onto others,

onto their children…

So the problem is me.

.

A problem is not a good thing.

.

I am not a good thing.

.

Some people have concluded that Narcissists are born evil,

this is not a good thing.

.

If Narcissists are born evil,

is evil in their DNA?

so…

what does that make me?

.

Not

A

Good

Thing

?

.

Utopia

.

One of the things…

the not so good things,

which felt like they were good things to them,

but not to me,

which my parents liked to do,

and say,

to me,

was to accuse me of being just like them…

My mother would accuse me of being just like my father,

my father would accuse me of being just like my mother…

Where did this leave me?

.

Whichever way I looked at it,

my DNA was bad,

which is not a good thing.

.

The writer of that article said,

that a defining moment for a child of Narcissists,

is when someone,

an outsider,

says something like:

“Your mom is insane,” or “Your Dad is seriously messed up.”

.

This is apparently a ‘healthy reality check’,

but what happens when we cash that cheque?

.

Who pays for it?

.

And once he has told us what is wrong with us,

because of our parents,

our parents who are a part of us,

whether we like it or not,

whether others like it or not…

in his article,

shown us that he understands…

.

but does he really,

has he lived it,

or is he an outsider looking in…

.

truth

.

his solution is:

a) – “It’s not until the adult children of a narcissist get (a lot of) psychotherapy or have a life-changing experience that pulls them away them from the disturbed parent that these adult children can truly begin to heal – and then create better, more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocation most of us have and value in our relationships.”

and/or

b) – “If you happen to be someone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, talk to your friends and other family members about your experience, and consider talking to a mental health professional. After years of dealing with the inconsistency of a narcissistic parent, it can be extremely healing to have a therapist help you make sense of the craziness.”

.

If you read the article please read the comments too,

especially…

Amen – almost by Del:

“I’m sorry, but I really have to add a huge BEWARE warning to this piece of advice. Namely:

1. Family members will most likely dismiss, diminish, excuse or even reverse your claims. That’s because family members have interacted with your N-parent for at least as long as they have interacted with you, so they’ve been gaslighted by that N-parent forever. There’s no telling what your N-parent has been telling them about you behind your back. So if you come around and start blaming the N-parent, there’s absolutely no telling what Hell might befall you.

2. If your friends know your N-parent, then refer back to the previous point. And whether they do or don’t know your N-parent, it’s very likely that they will simply not be able to process what you’re telling them. Unless they’ve been there, or someone close to them has gone through such abuse, tales of parental narcissistic abuse will sound like science-fiction to them – with the unspoken implication that there’s something wrong with *you* for telling such high tales in the first place.

3. Telling a professional therapist sounds like a good idea – but many, MANY therapists are absolutely NOT ready nor willing to deal with the concept of N-parents. They will not hesitate to ask the victim why they feel such a need to blame their parents who *of course* love them! You can imagine how devastating it can be to be invalidated in such a way by a professional…

In short: there’s a reason why so many grown children of N-parents first self-diagnose on the internet, thanks to dedicated forums or through reading the testimonies of other such grown children. And that reason is that pretty much NOBODY in real life is willing to both listen to us and then BELIEVE us. Friends, family, therapists: they all think WE are the crazy one, WE are the trouble-making one, WE are the one trying to hurt a well-meaning person, WE are the one blowing things out of proportions, and most of all, WE are the one being unreasonably unwilling to “make up and forgive already!””

.

Sometimes this…

.

bystander.

.

And sometimes the cruelty of the oppressor is made worse by the interference of the bystander,

sometimes the bystander weighs in,

with words,

which are meant to offer help…

but hurt,

far more…

.

And what do we,

the children of the Narcissists,

learn…

Ah…

Learning…

Education…

.

school of NPD.

.

Just some thoughts…

According to me.

.

.

What are your thoughts…

According to you?

.

.

?

.

.

(ps. I’m using dots to adjust a formatting issue – beep beep boop (if you’re a WordPressian, you’ll get that, it’s a new thing) – with my posts… it’s my cackhanded quick-fix… I usually white them out, not this time)

.

.

(pps. if the writer of the article which I have referenced comes across this and doesn’t appreciated how I interpreted it or would like me to adjust this post in any way – contact me via comments and we can do some of this – “…create better, more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocation most of us have and value in our relationships.”)

.

.

(ppps. if the commenter on that article whose comment I used in this post comes across this – thank you for sharing your thoughts! Awesome! – and if you want me to adjust this post because you don’t want me to use your words, let me know via comments here)

.

.

I think I’ve covered everything… and nothing.

.

C’est la vie!

 

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28 thoughts on “The Child’s Narcissists

  1. Thank you for expressing this so well..

    “When I get a call. tearful and distraught, as recently as July 2015, saying that a family member once again was telling my adult child what a piece of shit I am, and clearly this family member doesn’t care about the self esteem or how devastating it is to grow up believing you are made up of 50% garbage…this person is not under court order, and is NOT the Step Mother. I have never had recourse to the law to stop the poisoned words coming from her directly into the ears and hearts of my kids.”

    I’ve reblogged this to mydivorcepain.org

    Like

  2. Hi dear? I actually stumbled on your blog today while searching for something narcissistic related on the internet and since i was reading through my phone, i couldn’t get much detail about you so i just assumed that you are a guy but then upon checking again on a comp, something tells me you are female, haha! Feel free to clarify. Anyways, i won’t give much detail about myself other than re-direct you to my blog and a category i have named `narcissism within’. If you have time, you can go through the 6 posts i have since posted under that category and feel free to comment and give advice or your view on it. I would really appreciate.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      That something which tells you that I am female would be correct.

      I have perused your ‘narcissism within’ posts and I found them to be well written and insightful. You have a logical mind which is very useful in figuring out the complexity of the problem posed by growing up with a narcissistic mother. I particularly liked this one – http://lornalikiza.wordpress.com/2014/08/30/the-golden-child/ – and I’m going to reblog it.

      In your searches on the internet for narcissistic related info did you find this site – http://www.narcissisticmother.com/ – it has quite a lot of detailed information on being the child of a narcissistic mother. I found the list of the diverse types of narcissistic mother very intriguing.

      In your post on being a ‘golden child’ you mentioned:

      “When most authors post on narcissistic home environments, they mostly tend to focus on the scapegoat child in the family, and with good reason, i must add. The scapegoat is the one who always bears the brunt of mum’s (cuz i base my topic on mothers in particular) unfairness and angry outbursts. As a matter of fact, the scapegoat child is the one likely to suffer so many horrible after effects of the kind of environment she grew up in where she was always considered not good enough and rebellious for trying to have a mind of her own. But what about the golden child? Who bothers to think about what the golden child might be going through?”

      I like the way you wrote this and the thought and thoughtfulness which went into it. I also admire the way that you take a question which you have and use it as inspiration to explore the matter in a personal manner. You have a truly interesting take on the issue.

      The other day I came across comments on an article about narcissist parents – http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201405/narcissistic-parents-impact-children-young-and-grown – where a commenter, Del, discussed being the golden child and how painful it was to be the chosen one and watch what their mother did to their scapegoat sibling. Del’s comments are very worth reading.

      Since I’m the only child of a narcissist mother (as well as a narcissist father) I experienced both the golden child treatment and the scapegoat treatment, and I was pitted against myself rather than a sibling, or my parents took on the role of golden child versus my scapegoat. So I can relate to both sides of the golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

      The author of the site above to which I linked wrote this about being the only child of a narcissistic mother which I think is spot on:

      “An only child of a narcissistic mother may be placed in many roles such as golden child, scapegoat, mascot, and best friend. Sometimes, several roles are demanded in a single day, depending on the mood of the narcissistic mother.”

      You can read more about my own take on being the child of narcissists here – https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2013/11/02/being-a-child-of-narcissists-breaking-the-silence/ – and this post – https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2014/07/26/being-a-child-of-narcissists-what-we-need-to-give-to-ourselves/ – is an inspiring view of the purpose of being a child of narcissists from a wonderful commenter (with a short intro from me).

      The only advice I have for you is to keep doing what you are doing, sharing your story and your insights.

      Trust yourself!

      Like

      1. Thank you so so much for taking your time to read my stuff. I didn’t want to tell you much about myself because i knew you would figure it out for yourself once you read my posts. I’m the `golden child’ of an NM and my sister who is 9 years older than me is the `scapegoat child’. We also are the children of an absentee dad so you might say double tragedy. I’m sure you noticed that as much as i’m trying to explore this topic, i also try to make it seem like it’s not me because in African society, it would seem like i am denouncing my mother and with a blog, you are not sure who is reading your stuff. But you can’t imagine the relief i got when i chanced upon your blog. It just showed me that i and my sister are not alone despite the fact that we can’t really detach ourselves from our mum completely cuz of the African society beliefs.
        Thanks a lot for reblogging my post. I will keep on checking yours and if i find something insightful concerning narcissism cuz i liked how detailed you are, i shall similarly reblog it on my blog. I feel like together we can team up and help people out there with a similar problem and who cannot express themselves in writing like we are both gifted in. Cheers! 🙂

        Like

        1. Thank you 🙂

          The society in which we live and grow up has a huge influence on us, as well as an influence on how a narcissist behaves, as narcissists study their social surroundings carefully. They learn society’s rules and then figure out how to manipulate them, how to break them while appearing to conform to them, how to use them to control others while not being controlled by them. Understanding the society you are in, the community which surrounds you and the narcissistic family is an intrinsic part of understanding the dynamic of a narcissistic family as it is intertwined with it.

          Certain societal rules support the narcissist and help them to keep their victims trapped in the narcissistic dynamic. So if you try to leave the narcissistic family environment or seek assistance from those around you, outside of the immediate family… it can backfire, make things worse. You reach out for help and your hand gets slapped, you get reprimanded and are forced back into the situation which you are trying to escape. Certain society’s favour the narcissist and actually encourage us to behave narcissistically.

          It can be insidious.

          The best way to help others is to help yourself and share what you are doing to help yourself, that way others can find your story and find their own story within yours, and they can help themselves. Strength lies inside of us. Our wisdom lies within us, we find it by telling our story, we find it through others sharing their story, in their words we find our words, in our words others find their words. And others help us when they share their stories with us. It is a mutual healing experience 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I agreed so much with the point you touched on about professionals turning the victim into an object. Our society seems to objectify people so much. One of the hardest things about psychotherapy (and I have had a lot) is just this kind of detached scientific objectification from the therapist. I have personally found healing groups (provided its a good group with more connected members who are honestly working through co-dependency issues) far more healing than therapy in a lot of cases. And sites like this give you so much more than any therapist could as it comes from someone’s ie. your own deeply personal hard won and suffered through experience. I love that image about education and quotes. I was walking Jasper the other day and feeling sorry for some kids all done up in their school uniforms waiting for the bus. Why do we have to wear a fucking uniform anyway and what does that say about schools. Being so gangly mine never fitted anyway and it was a nightmare just going shopping for it. Anyway that’s just the way I feel about school and institutions.

    Like

    1. I think a reason why professional therapists can end up objectifying their patients is partly due to it being a requisite of their profession – they have to remain detached. They are the observer and the patient is the observed. But there’s more than one type of detachment. The easiest type of detachment to do is objectification.

      Interestingly enough in a society which increasingly has come to objectify people, we’ve also become increasingly more attached to objects. Our objects seem to offer us the sort of relationship which we feel people don’t offer us. It’s an intriguing idea to explore – society reflects the collective psychology and psyche.

      I think there was an ideological concept behind school uniforms, something to do with equality or something like that. I looked it up a while ago but I’ve forgotten what I learned… kind of like what I learned in school 😉

      It’s worth investigating the thoughts you had and what they inspired, see where it leads. The uniform goes beyond the school uniform, just look at fashion trends, the fashion police, and judging people’s status based on their clothes and accessories. Lots of psyche, collective and individual, food for thought.

      I had a friend who used to deliberately walk around with untied shoelaces as an anarchic statement. I never quite understood the statement, and I think most people didn’t get it, but it was important to him, he got it. He was very into individual anarchy. He had a most bizarre life story, which I was never quite sure what parts were true and what were fantasy… maybe it was all true. Sweet guy. Crazy like the rest of us 🙂

      Like

  4. I love this. I feel like I am involved in your thought process…you covered a lot of ground in one swoop. I did not have narcissist parents, but my youngest children have one. I try so hard to balance their lives out-provide a positive, loving, and safe environment…I did not even realize such people existed until one tried to take my soul. I don’t think they are born that way-I believe that we are shaped by the life input…I also believe people who truly desire to change can do it! A true, developed narcissist wouldn’t even ponder the idea that there is room to grow and change.

    Like

    1. Thank you 🙂

      I’ve been following your story, your and your children’s journey through ASPD/NPD hell, and I can see and feel how hard you try to protect and nourish your children with love. It is heartbreaking at times to read, because when you describe what your ex is doing I can see it in 3-D. I’ve been the child who had the parent who did that. I also know some of what he’s thinking, his perspective, while he’s saying and doing what he does. My father ‘shared’ that kind of information, especially when he was doing it to someone else other than me, then I’d be the person he confided in – confide = bragging.

      My parents played all sorts of narc ‘games’ with me, and often recruited, like an agent or soldier, me to ‘play’ the game for them. I was piggy-in-the-middle between two narcs with different styles of NPD.

      Your children are lucky to have you. Your love for them is a powerful gift and you’re handling a very difficult situation with a lot of dignity. Just be sure to take good care of yourself too ❤

      Like

  5. Another brilliant post Ursula. Thanks for including the comments that were attached to the other post that you mention. These comments I find are so accurate it is scary. So much so I feel the need to copy them in here…… maybe as a warning to other victims of Narc parents.

    ” Amen – almost by Del:
    “I’m sorry, but I really have to add a huge BEWARE warning to this piece of advice. Namely:
    1. Family members will most likely dismiss, diminish, excuse or even reverse your claims. That’s because family members have interacted with your N-parent for at least as long as they have interacted with you, so they’ve been gaslighted by that N-parent forever. There’s no telling what your N-parent has been telling them about you behind your back. So if you come around and start blaming the N-parent, there’s absolutely no telling what Hell might befall you.
    2. If your friends know your N-parent, then refer back to the previous point. And whether they do or don’t know your N-parent, it’s very likely that they will simply not be able to process what you’re telling them. Unless they’ve been there, or someone close to them has gone through such abuse, tales of parental narcissistic abuse will sound like science-fiction to them – with the unspoken implication that there’s something wrong with *you* for telling such high tales in the first place.
    3. Telling a professional therapist sounds like a good idea – but many, MANY therapists are absolutely NOT ready nor willing to deal with the concept of N-parents. They will not hesitate to ask the victim why they feel such a need to blame their parents who *of course* love them! You can imagine how devastating it can be to be invalidated in such a way by a professional…
    In short: there’s a reason why so many grown children of N-parents first self-diagnose on the internet, thanks to dedicated forums or through reading the testimonies of other such grown children. And that reason is that pretty much NOBODY in real life is willing to both listen to us and then BELIEVE us. Friends, family, therapists: they all think WE are the crazy one, WE are the trouble-making one, WE are the one trying to hurt a well-meaning person, WE are the one blowing things out of proportions, and most of all, WE are the one being unreasonably unwilling to “make up and forgive already!””

    This has been totally my personal experience as well. I just kept saying ‘Yep, Yep’ as I read each line.

    Like

    1. Thank you 🙂

      That is an awesome comment, isn’t it! When I read it I was smiling that smile which you get when someone has completely understood the issue inside and out. There’s a sense of relief, but also a sense of sadness… of history repeating itself or about to repeat itself, because you know that those words which explain things so well will probably have happen to them what they are describing.

      A child of narcissists is doing in their comment what the clinical psychologist who wrote the article suggested – “If you happen to be someone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, talk to your friends and other family members about your experience, and consider talking to a mental health professional.” – but did the clinical psychologist hear what that person said in their comment, I wonder. Does he realise how relevant and important that comment is? Did anyone who is not a child of narcissists, or who has not been in a relationship with a narcissist, hear and understand those words and what they were expressing, I wonder?

      The delusions/illusions of narcissists are not the only delusions/illusions which cause victims of narcissists to be trapped in silence.

      This bit – “They will not hesitate to ask the victim why they feel such a need to blame their parents who *of course* love them!” – was the one which hit the loudest chord for me, and is the reason I eventually gave up trying to discuss anything with anyone. Other people’s need to believe that all parents love their children, and to have you accept this as the ‘truth’ even when you know it’s not because they need you to accept it for them, to maintain their version of reality and not scare them with yours… sigh! Talking with other people is complicated and often makes things even more difficult to sort through.

      But we try anyway, because we need to, and at some point we find a way to break our silence in a way which is supportive of us. There are more of us speaking out now and we’re listening to each other. That is a wonderful release and connection!

      Like

  6. I think you touched on a few relevant issues (purposely facetious)! You are so awesome as usual, amazingly hitting that nail on the head every swing. I’m spitting all over again too, as I realize myself in every aspect of dysfunction and notice all my vice origins at play. I turned my interests to music because my N dad never coached me differently, and he liked, or at least used music, but never a good word, no personal OK or pat on the back for anything I did, so I did more and more. Finally when confronted with reality much later in life from his adult child, all he could say was I never did anything he asked, nothing, and asked me to name one thing. Caught completely off guard, the narc attack stun factor, of this new creature I had somehow exposed, left me altered for life.

    My older sibling golden child brother; lets remember siblings do not a brother or sister make, mine abused me for several years, and even offered me to our molesting male babysitter, that of course dear ole dad had hired…by mistake I’m guessing, or is that hope, or blind faith; yet another thing I got from all they never gave. Hope and faith. How’d the hell that happen? When the dysfunction hit me hard I was 9, soon after that I began escaping in to the world of why and how and my night terrors where calmed by my mother’s Lords prayer bringing yet more mystery and sleeplessness and scapegoat galvanizing.

    I painted my wall black and made black light constellations and floated away, tore apart electronics and everything mechanical and began studying Native Americans, the Bible and other cult structures, looking for what made them work. The girls came soon enough, thank god, and the universe converged in love. All this I got from emotionally baboons, and I love who I am, and I’m close to forgiveness but still search for that grace. I am 9 again, and know I’m OK (well sort of), at least I tell the young boy what a good job he is doing. And so we start over and look for ourselves again so that we may come to recognize who we are for the first time, again. A human reboot with a new BIOS…what a frigging slow computer I am. Peace out.

    Like

    1. Thank you 🙂

      Did you discover what made cults work? Did taking mechanical things apart reveal what you were searching for?

      I also went searching for what made people and things, objects and systems, tick, partly because I wanted to change how I ticked or just to turn the ticking off… or turn the ticking off off.

      I thought I was very damaged, a reject, etc – all the millions of words humans have invented to describe our failure and the failure of others to live up to some ideal of what and who a human should be – somewhere a long the way it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I was looking at things, at others, at myself from an upside down perspective which I thought was the right way up – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perceptual_adaptation

      So I decided to try an experiment, what if everything was flipped around. What if right was wrong and wrong was right? This works quite well when dealing with narcissists as they are twisted, topsy turvy, they live in an Escher drawing. So when they talk about ‘you’ they’re actually talking about themselves. Everything they say and do is a riddle about them, all about them not about you… but you think it is about you because it seems to be. They say that this and that is wrong with you… but what if there is nothing wrong with you at all, and that is why they need you to be wrong.

      There are some people who need to break others so that they can fix themselves, or at least get others to believe that they’re broken so that they can believe that they are not broken. Some like to break others and then offer to fix them.

      So what if there is nothing wrong with your computer, but some IT guy from NPDIT told you that your computer needed fixing and then ‘fixed’ it for you by installing a program which causes conflicts with your own programs and every time you called IT in to fix the conflicts, he blamed the problem on one of your programs, and maybe even suggested you uninstall your program to fix the conflict. Your computer isn’t slow at all…

      Like

  7. This reminds me of a saying “if you meet a loner it’s not because they enjoy being alone but because they have continually opened up and disappointed.”

    Thank you for sharing your open life. I relate to it in so many deep ways that I need to re-read it again. A lot to process. ((Hugs))

    Like

    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      That saying is an interesting one to cogitate, I can see myself going off on many tangents, thought journeys, from it.

      It is part of the reason I learned to retreat into alone moments, however its not the reason I enjoy being alone.

      One of the things I enjoy most about being alone is because of something which can only happen when I’m alone, a stillness of being, everything is fine as is, I am fine as is, here, now, it’s a feeling which tends to dissipate the moment someone else turns up because their energy causes the stillness to ripple. It does depend on who turns up and whether their energy causes gentle ripples, a wake or a tidal wave.

      Like

      1. I so agree re: the stillness of being. I head to the woods ever evening with my dog to do that. The trees and the moon. When I was on the cult, they comforted me and still do. ❤

        Like

  8. It was interesting to read that there were times that your parents seemed like your siblings because during the weeks of caring for my father while he was dying, I felt like my brother and sister were trying to control me like narcissistic parents. In fact at times when I would be mentioning my sibs in conversation with others, at that time, I would catch myself almost saying the words ‘my parents’ instead of ‘my siblings.’ They wanted to control me. And the dynamic was sicker than it had ever been.

    I often think about the time my mother is in that place of dying, being in need of care. I wonder if I will get a phone call. And if I do, will I choose to go to her? My answer is different at different times.

    I used to think she was the nice one, the ‘normal’ one. But in learning and discovering things about abuse in correlation with my family I’ve learned that is not the case. And I can see she may have been just as narcissistic as my father, who I actually think was more on the side of BPD. Maybe it was that my mother didn’t rage so she was the nice one in my mind. But I see other things that would constitute unhealthy narcissism.

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    1. BPD and NPD have many similarities, at least from the outside observer’s viewpoint, how professionals studying them see them and how the disorders affect those who are in relationships with people who have the disorders. There was a series of articles on Psychology Today addressing the similarities by this author – http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells – she writes a lot on both disorders and has some very interesting articles.

      What you say about experiencing your siblings as your parents is intriguing. The role-play of those with NPD is very twisted – for those of us on the receiving end of it, from their side it… well, things always look exactly like they want to see it from their perspective.

      I saw the twisted role-play more clearly with my mother than my father because I was exposed to her on a more consistent (suffocating) basis. She changed roles regularly, often within the same drama which she was creating, and when her role changed so did mine because mine had to fit with hers, complement it. I could just stand there saying and doing nothing and my role and her role would just keep switching according to her repertory.

      And it really doesn’t matter how you see yourself or behave because they can’t see anything but how they want to see you, who they need you to be so that they can be who they want and need to be. So your siblings needed you to be their child because they wanted to play the parent and for the illusion/delusion to be complete, thus more believable to them (and their audience), they give you a very strong cue – which is what you were expressing when you kept wanting to call them your parents instead of your siblings.

      It’s useful to play out possible scenarios in the mind, and explore options – what you’ll actually choose to do when the time comes can only be decided at that time, because you won’t know until then what all the extenuating circumstances will be involved, however considering the question and your different answers helps you to prepare on many levels, both mentally and emotionally. It’s a form of self-training for self-preservation, as you know that dealing with your family requires strengthening yourself to do so.

      Thank you for sharing 🙂

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