The Child’s Narcissists
I am a child of Narcissists.
According to me.
Sometimes listening to others,
is not a good thing.
Being a child of Narcissists,
According to experts is not a good thing to be.
According to other children of Narcissists, this is not a good thing to be.
According to me this is not a good thing to be…
But how did I come to that conclusion?
When did I come to that conclusion?
Sometimes I completely disagree with that conclusion.
I happen to be an only child.
According to some people, not sure if they’re experts or not, this is not a good thing to be.
I often wondered what it would have been like to have had siblings,
I often used to long for a sibling,
For sharing the burden of having Narcissists as parents.
I often used to pretend I had siblings…
when playing on my own,
I created imaginary siblings to play with me,
but I knew they were imaginary,
and I knew that the reality would be very different,
I often used to experience my parents as siblings,
that’s how they often behaved at times,
and although it could be fun,
mostly I did not like it.
So I came to the conclusion that I was better off alone.
According to some being alone is not a good thing.
According to me…
Being the only child of two Narcissists,
two parents who often behaved as though they were my siblings,
two parents who often behaved as though they were my children…
Being alone was sometimes not a good thing,
when it involved other people,
certain people in particular,
sometimes all people in general.
However when I was genuinely alone,
with no one else around,
sometimes being alone felt like the best thing in the world.
Where am I going with this post?
which at first I thought was a good thing,
but then I got that feeling…
When you grow up with Narcissists,
at some point,
is a bad thing.
Everyone is a bad thing.
Everyone is a thing.
There are good things too,
but good things can quickly become bad things.
A good thing…
is a good thing which is a bad thing.
A bad thing…
is a bad thing which is a good thing.
Everything is good,
everything is bad,
everything is nothing,
You are nothing,
and sometimes to people who are not Narcissists.
I am nothing…
And nothing is everything.
to the Narcissist,
That feeling I got from reading that article…
I was a thing.
someone was studying,
finding faults and flaws with it,
then pointing those faults and flaws out,
and in other more insidious ways…
for their own purposes,
purposes which they perceive as being a good thing.
Sometimes their good thing,
needs for you to be their bad thing,
a bad thing their good thing can fix,
It’s not his fault,
I’m sure he didn’t mean for it to come across that way,
he meant well,
he was trying to be helpful,
solve a problem…
(those sound like the excuses I made for my parents)
is my parents,
my parents are/were Narcissists,
I am their child,
and Adult Child of Narcissists,
A CoN… a con?!?
I’d rather be an acorn…
a tangent into wordplay…
I have dyslexia,
by… you know…
to be a thing which may not be good.
NPD is their wound,
which they passed onto me,
Narcissists pass their wound onto others,
onto their children…
So the problem is me.
A problem is not a good thing.
I am not a good thing.
Some people have concluded that Narcissists are born evil,
this is not a good thing.
If Narcissists are born evil,
is evil in their DNA?
what does that make me?
One of the things…
the not so good things,
which felt like they were good things to them,
but not to me,
which my parents liked to do,
was to accuse me of being just like them…
My mother would accuse me of being just like my father,
my father would accuse me of being just like my mother…
Where did this leave me?
Whichever way I looked at it,
my DNA was bad,
which is not a good thing.
The writer of that article said,
that a defining moment for a child of Narcissists,
is when someone,
says something like:
“Your mom is insane,” or “Your Dad is seriously messed up.”
This is apparently a ‘healthy reality check’,
but what happens when we cash that cheque?
Who pays for it?
And once he has told us what is wrong with us,
because of our parents,
our parents who are a part of us,
whether we like it or not,
whether others like it or not…
in his article,
shown us that he understands…
but does he really,
has he lived it,
or is he an outsider looking in…
his solution is:
a) – “It’s not until the adult children of a narcissist get (a lot of) psychotherapy or have a life-changing experience that pulls them away them from the disturbed parent that these adult children can truly begin to heal – and then create better, more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocation most of us have and value in our relationships.”
b) – “If you happen to be someone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, talk to your friends and other family members about your experience, and consider talking to a mental health professional. After years of dealing with the inconsistency of a narcissistic parent, it can be extremely healing to have a therapist help you make sense of the craziness.”
If you read the article please read the comments too,
Amen – almost by Del:
“I’m sorry, but I really have to add a huge BEWARE warning to this piece of advice. Namely:
1. Family members will most likely dismiss, diminish, excuse or even reverse your claims. That’s because family members have interacted with your N-parent for at least as long as they have interacted with you, so they’ve been gaslighted by that N-parent forever. There’s no telling what your N-parent has been telling them about you behind your back. So if you come around and start blaming the N-parent, there’s absolutely no telling what Hell might befall you.
2. If your friends know your N-parent, then refer back to the previous point. And whether they do or don’t know your N-parent, it’s very likely that they will simply not be able to process what you’re telling them. Unless they’ve been there, or someone close to them has gone through such abuse, tales of parental narcissistic abuse will sound like science-fiction to them – with the unspoken implication that there’s something wrong with *you* for telling such high tales in the first place.
3. Telling a professional therapist sounds like a good idea – but many, MANY therapists are absolutely NOT ready nor willing to deal with the concept of N-parents. They will not hesitate to ask the victim why they feel such a need to blame their parents who *of course* love them! You can imagine how devastating it can be to be invalidated in such a way by a professional…
In short: there’s a reason why so many grown children of N-parents first self-diagnose on the internet, thanks to dedicated forums or through reading the testimonies of other such grown children. And that reason is that pretty much NOBODY in real life is willing to both listen to us and then BELIEVE us. Friends, family, therapists: they all think WE are the crazy one, WE are the trouble-making one, WE are the one trying to hurt a well-meaning person, WE are the one blowing things out of proportions, and most of all, WE are the one being unreasonably unwilling to “make up and forgive already!””
And sometimes the cruelty of the oppressor is made worse by the interference of the bystander,
sometimes the bystander weighs in,
which are meant to offer help…
And what do we,
the children of the Narcissists,
Just some thoughts…
According to me.
What are your thoughts…
According to you?
(ps. I’m using dots to adjust a formatting issue – beep beep boop (if you’re a WordPressian, you’ll get that, it’s a new thing) – with my posts… it’s my cackhanded quick-fix… I usually white them out, not this time)
(pps. if the writer of the article which I have referenced comes across this and doesn’t appreciated how I interpreted it or would like me to adjust this post in any way – contact me via comments and we can do some of this – “…create better, more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocation most of us have and value in our relationships.”)
(ppps. if the commenter on that article whose comment I used in this post comes across this – thank you for sharing your thoughts! Awesome! – and if you want me to adjust this post because you don’t want me to use your words, let me know via comments here)
I think I’ve covered everything… and nothing.
C’est la vie!