Today is apparently World Suicide Prevention Day…
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A moment of silence while I think about that… and while all the thoughts which I have connected to that swirl around me, within me, while I decide what to discuss and what to… not discuss.
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Isn’t that always an issue?
What do we tell others and what do we keep to ourselves?
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And where do we form our view of what can be told to others and what must be kept to ourselves?
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Sometimes we form it… through trying to tell others things which they then inform us, one way or another, should be something we keep to ourselves, because they don’t want to know about it…
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They can’t deal with it… just as we can’t deal with it.
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Our shit triggers their shit… and they are trying to keep their shit together.
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So we keep more and more things to ourselves until we can’t deal with it…
until we seek a way out of it…
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If only she’d or he’d told me about the shit which drove them to suicide…
I might have been able to help, to stop them, blah, blah, blah, etc.
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I did try to tell you.
I told you.
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You did not help, you hindered and…
it’s not your fault so stop blaming yourself and making my actions yours,
for once,
let my actions be mine,
an expression of me,
undiluted,
unadulterated,
by you…
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That’s never possible in this world of… humans being humans trying not to be humans being human telling other humans what to do while not doing it themselves, and so on and so forth.
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Don’t kill yourself…
because no one will listen then either.
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They won’t know what it means…
For you.
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They’ll only focus on what it means for them…
how hurt they are,
how angry they are,
how upset they are that they couldn’t control what you did…
because what you did makes them feel bad…
about themselves,
but they’ll paint it all differently,
because that’s what they do,
have always done,
we all do that…
even you.
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That may even be…
what drove you to suicide.
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No one seems to be listening to you…
are you listening to others?
Maybe too much…
maybe not enough…
maybe…
listening too much one way and not enough in another way.
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Death…
Suicide…
solves everything and nothing.
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Sometimes we wish someone else would die… we’d be better off if they were dead, we tell ourselves.
Truth or lie?
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Sometimes we wish we were dead… others would be better off if we were dead,
we’d be better off dead,
we tell ourselves.
Truth or lie?
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Sometimes…
it is all about us…
it is all about others…
what is the truth,
what is the lie…
does it matter in the end? Or ever?
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Confusing,
confused,
confusion…
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If you’re at that point…
where your death solves everything for you…
if you can override your primal instinct for survival…
which takes a lot of strength…
what else could you do with that kind of strength…?
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If you’re willing to die…
what have you got to lose?
Embrace life and live it with reckless daring and abandon…
Do what you never thought you could do… imagine you’re dead and then live life as if you had no life to lose.
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I’ll probably get criticised for this…
so…
what…
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I almost killed myself…
still sometimes do kill myself slowly…
still hate being alive sometimes,
sometimes all the time…
being close to death brought me closer to life…
life according to me…
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What is life according to you?
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Think and breathe about it!
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Life is meaningless… until you give it meaning,
and stop living it according to everyone else’s meaning for it!
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Something like that… fuck if I know!
Fuck if anyone knows…
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The meaning of life… life itself!
Beyond that… it’s 42…
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The meaning of death… ?
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The meaning of suicide… ?
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The meaning of World Suicide Prevention Day… ?
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The one day a year where we try to stop the world itself from committing suicide?
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How do we prevent ourselves, others… from hurting, from hurting ourselves, from hurting others?
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Pain unites us more than any other experience…
it also separates us.
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We give things meaning… and we can also take it away.
Take the meaning away,
make things meaningless.
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Words.
Thoughts.
Feelings.
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Life.
Death.
.
Human.
.
What?
.
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I posted this yesterday then unposted it… and then posted it again today. That is why it says today and means yesterday. That should explain everything and nothing.
An Upturned Soul 
Thank you.
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🙂
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I don’t know how I managed to skip it- a theme I go in and around almost everyday.
What you say it’s very true, life is meaningless until we give meaning to it. Life is hard and hard to understand why we hang in there or we make up our mind to take it away. I had a very close friend who threw herself under a train 17 years ago- she was a wonderful person but she had just been diagnosed bipolar and couldn’t accept it. An artist, a poet of life and such a stunning human being.What hit me the most, was the gift she gave us with her passing away:we, the cowards complaining about life, the ones pondering about leaving but finally freezing every decisions, suddenly felt alive, like a bang of life getting to our hearts.i cling to this feeling sometimes to tell myself the real meaning is a non meaning, it’s just being, putting all our efforts and energy into being ourselves. I still miss my friend Alessandra deeply and strangely her death is an example encouraging me to pull myself together and hold on to life.She was an accomplished, articulate and beautiful person, but she didn’t know it; maybe I don’t know it either what sort of person I am as I look from the Inside, and there is not enough light.
thank you for this heart felt post. xxx
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The way you see Alessandra… maybe that’s how others see you.
Beautiful and poignant tale, thank you for sharing.
Prendi cura di te stessa ❤
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Another one of my daughter’s friends OD’d the other day which makes a total of four (4) friend’s death via OD between both daughter’s—all boys– and two tragic auto accidents. My youngest had to have her stomach pumped after OD’ing a few years ago when she mixed too many pharmaceuticals with alcohol; it’s an epidemic, the leading cause of death in this country; 44k a year total with about 33k unintentional. Follow the money (greed) to big pharma. Today is 9/11 and we have a nice monument where 3000 plus died, but nothing about the hundreds of thousands that suffered in the wars that followed, or the vets who offing themselves at a rate of twenty some a day and the PTSD that is making drug addicts of many many more. Follow the money (greed) big oil.
If I’m happy today it’s because of the mountains of dead stuff that gave all life to this planet and honor the dead (the grateful dead) who made that ultimate sacrifice trying to live but somehow missed or were misled. Always searching for love, or a deluded variant of such a state of mind—who loves the smell of napalm in the morning anyway? True love, eternal love, unconditional love, universal love, one love. Self-love? What the hell is self-love? Why can’t a love my death if I love my life, it is my life right? What about the Golden Rule? What happens if the potential suicides started killing other people too—oops that one of my scripts plots point so it’s time to play Pharrell’s Happy song. Love to you all.
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We all know what happens if potential suicides start killing other people, it happens all the time, it is a very human way of dealing and not dealing with life and death. 9/11 is an extreme example of that. There is more to it than that, but that is a component of it.
OD-ing is different from suicide, although it has similarities, such as the desire to escape life, in as much as the person who OD’s doesn’t mean to kill themselves, they’re just trying to get rid of a part of themselves and their experience of life for a while. Trying to feel better, to forget.
We all do that – try to feel better and try to forget, which is why we often ignore what is right in front of us and focus on other things which are further away. Otherwise it is all too much, too in our face, too overwhelming… and we can’t cope, we feel powerless, helpless…so we cope in other ways. We escape the here and now by looking over there and then.
Governments reflect that very human tendency, they point our attention elsewhere, the problem is over there not here, don’t look here look over there.
We accept that, even when we see what is happening, because we do it with ourselves on a daily basis. We point fingers at others rather than at ourselves, we decide that someone else is the problem rather than look to see if we may be a part of the problem. And tend to say that someone else somewhere else should be doing something about things, sorting the problem out, rather than ask ourselves if perhaps we’re that someone who should be doing something to sort out the problem which we’ve spotted. But if we ask ourselves that… we don’t know what to do, we feel helpless and powerless, so we look away.
Being human, living this life, is very complex. Always has been, we’re just more painfully aware of it these days because every little detail of human life of earth is now recorded, disseminated, opinionated, and it’s getting harder to find ways to ignore it, to feel better and forget.
Music is a wonderful drug… and hard to OD on. I can help us to feel better and forget, sometimes it can even help us to figure a part of our problem out 🙂
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