Better Off Dead…

Today is apparently World Suicide Prevention Day…


A moment of silence while I think about that… and while all the thoughts which I have connected to that swirl around me, within me, while I decide what to discuss and what to… not discuss.


Isn’t that always an issue?

What do we tell others and what do we keep to ourselves?


And where do we form our view of what can be told to others and what must be kept to ourselves?


Sometimes we form it… through trying to tell others things which they then inform us, one way or another, should be something we keep to ourselves, because they don’t want to know about it…


They can’t deal with it… just as we can’t deal with it.


Our shit triggers their shit… and they are trying to keep their shit together.


So we keep more and more things to ourselves until we can’t deal with it…

until we seek a way out of it…


If only she’d or he’d told me about the shit which drove them to suicide…

I might have been able to help, to stop them, blah, blah, blah, etc.


I did try to tell you.

I told you.


You did not help, you hindered and…

it’s not your fault so stop blaming yourself and making my actions yours,

for once,

let my actions be mine,

an expression of me,



by you…


That’s never possible in this world of… humans being humans trying not to be humans being human telling other humans what to do while not doing it themselves, and so on and so forth.


Don’t kill yourself…

because no one will listen then either.


They won’t know what it means…

For you.


They’ll only focus on what it means for them…

how hurt they are,

how angry they are,

how upset they are that they couldn’t control what you did…

because what you did makes them feel bad…

about themselves,

but they’ll paint it all differently,

because that’s what they do,

have always done,

we all do that…

even you.


That may even be…

what drove you to suicide.


No one seems to be listening to you…

are you listening to others?

Maybe too much…

maybe not enough…


listening too much one way and not enough in another way.




solves everything and nothing.


Sometimes we wish someone else would die… we’d be better off if they were dead, we tell ourselves.

Truth or lie?


Sometimes we wish we were dead… others would be better off if we were dead,

we’d be better off dead,

we tell ourselves.

Truth or lie?



it is all about us…

it is all about others…

what is the truth,

what is the lie…

does it matter in the end? Or ever?






If you’re at that point…

where your death solves everything for you…

if you can override your primal instinct for survival…

which takes a lot of strength…

what else could you do with that kind of strength…?


If you’re willing to die…

what have you got to lose?

Embrace life and live it with reckless daring and abandon…

Do what you never thought you could do… imagine you’re dead and then live life as if you had no life to lose.


I’ll probably get criticised for this…




I almost killed myself…

still sometimes do kill myself slowly…

still hate being alive sometimes,

sometimes all the time…

being close to death brought me closer to life…

life according to me…


What is life according to you?


Think and breathe about it!


Life is meaningless… until you give it meaning,

and stop living it according to everyone else’s meaning for it!


Something like that… fuck if I know!

Fuck if anyone knows…


The meaning of life… life itself!

Beyond that… it’s 42…


The meaning of death… ?


The meaning of suicide… ?


The meaning of World Suicide Prevention Day… ?


The one day a year where we try to stop the world itself from committing suicide?


How do we prevent ourselves, others… from hurting, from hurting ourselves, from hurting others?


Pain unites us more than any other experience…

it also separates us.


We give things meaning… and we can also take it away.

Take the meaning away,

make things meaningless.














I posted this yesterday then unposted it… and then posted it again today. That is why it says today and means yesterday. That should explain everything and nothing.