Die Hard with… Love

Focus.

.

“In battle or business, whatever the game,
In law or in love, it is ever the same;
In the struggle for power, or the scramble for pelf,
Let this be your motto – Rely on yourself!
For, whether the prize be a ribbon or throne,
The victor is he who can go it alone!”
 
– John Godfrey Saxe
.

.
That motto was one which I kind of lived by until I met my partner.

In my relationship with my partner, which has stood the tests of endurance that are a part of all relationships, I’m the narcissist. The insensitive A-hole who needs to take a course in empathy. The one who behaves like a stereotypical man.

I’m not a man. My partner is, and he is very much of a man.

But I am the stereotypical man.

I’ll brood over something which is bothering me, rather than communicate my feelings and thoughts about it. I don’t want to talk about it, not yet anyway, not until I’ve thought things through for myself, not until I actually want someone else’s input, and not at length. Talk to me when I don’t want to talk… and I’ll just sit there listening, maybe pretending to listen because you need me to but not really listening.

I forget birthdays, anniversaries, and other red letter days, and when I do happen to remember them I am very pleased with myself for doing so – result! – and I buy a bouquet of flowers at the gas station, hoping it’ll do, then pretend I traveled to whatever exotic location these flowers grow and handpicked them myself especially for my loved one to celebrate this momentous occasion which I was planning for all year. If my gas station flowers are seen for what they are – that I remembered something important at the last minute… I get rather offended that my gesture, and total recall even if it was at the last minute, isn’t appreciated for what it isn’t rather than what it is.

It is what it is, but that’s something, isn’t it?

If I cook dinner, I’m a five-star chef and make one hell of a mess. If I do the dishes… I expect applause. If I vacuum the house… and dust… I deserve an award, especially for the dusting because that really is a waste of time, seconds later it’s like no dusting ever occurred so what’s the point?

I’ll pace like a pissed off bull who can’t get at the person waving a red rag if he keeps me waiting when we’re supposed to go out… but then I’ll be late for an appointment, or to catch a plane, train or… other thingamajiggy which waits for no man or woman.

I burp and fart unashamedly, out loud and proud of the noises my body makes. If my farts are smelly, I’ll sniff them and sometimes (not always because… sulfur!) enjoy the scent of me.

Same applies to when I sniff my underarms to decide if I need to use deodorant or maybe even have a bath.

I stick my hand down my pants and scratch if I have an itch and even if I don’t. I get quite itchy because I don’t do female grooming the way we’re told we’re supposed to do it. What a lifetime of faff that is, talk about endurance! Hair likes to grow until it doesn’t, and it does not like being told what it can and cannot do. I get even itchier when I do the female grooming thing. Damned to itch if you don’t and damned if you do!

And I suffer from cold hands, so… this is a way to warm them rather pleasantly!

I also have hairy nipples, which make my itty bitty titties sometimes look like a wookiee’s. Apparently the ladies of the days of yore used to use walnut shells to deal with this rather embarrassing issue… glad I wasn’t a lady in the days of yore! Effing ouch! And how exactly… nah! I don’t want to know no matter how curious I can be at times to know stuff.

I swear like a sailor from an uncensored foreign pirate film which may have erotic content… this post has been edited as best as I can manage. See, I can be sensitive and do that empathy thing!

Okay… I’m not that bad, but sometimes I think I am, sometimes that’s how I see myself particularly in this relationship.

If any of what I’ve said up to now has made you uncomfortable, made you squirm in some way… imagine what it is like to live with me. Saying and doing this kind of thing… that’s me!

My partner doesn’t see me that way. He’s my die hard lover, because as awful as I sometimes think I may be… he seems to view all my awfulness as a part of what makes me so loveable to him. His attitude towards me… has helped me have a better attitude towards myself. His relationship with me has helped me to have a better relationship with myself which has rippled into our relationship with each other.

All those things which I think make me so awkward for others to stomach and be around, he seems to think they’re awesome, hilarious, lovely… and even sexy. So… there… you have it!

What makes our relationship endure?

I don’t know… I don’t question it and neither does he, as far as I know.

What makes anything endure?

Some things just do.

.
.
“We are all a little weird and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” – Dr. Seuss

.

.

SafeAsBarns

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Die Hard with… Love

    1. Thank you 🙂

      It’s a union in progress… more on my part because (I’ve tried very hard to screw things up) I have no idea how I ended up with such a grounded person. One of the first things I did was introduce him to my parents (because he needed to know what he was wading into… and it was a test) which should have killed all chance of love, but he just gave me a look of – you’re parents are twats – after meeting them and putting up with their crazy shit, and that was it for me! No one had ever done that! This guy is it!

      When he read this. he gave me one of his looks (of which he has many and each one speaks volumes)… and said what the look said too (he says what he thinks), which is – I really don’t see you that way, but I get what you’re doing, saying and seeing.

      It’s really unnerving to be loved for me as I am… he had to teach me to do it too. I fought not to… he is more persistent than I am 😉

      Like

      1. I can understand that struggle you have and had. You never got that when young and so its going against a very ingrained pattern as I feel what is set down in childhood is so deeply rooted. But you are making it through which inspires me no end. I feel a warmth in my heart for you both. Thank God for his persistence. You deserve love and to be loved and he does love you. why wouldn’t he??? Don’t answer that :). ❤

        Like

        1. I don’t question his love… that’s one thing he’s taught me to do or, more precisely, which I taught myself to do thanks to interacting with him and the self-reflection it has inspired in me 😉

          When we question someone’s love for us… it has consequences, ones which we often fail to notice because we’re so focused on our side of the dynamic, on what we need and want, rather than on how what we need and want affects someone else, those whom we love… and what it says about our love for them.

          If you’re always questioning someone’s love for you… what does that say about your love for them?

          Like

          1. That’s true. If we question love we are not trusting and that can in fact push others away. And it says we are much more focused on receiving than giving and I guess giving love is what attracts love. I think my Saturn Moon has had huge problems here, so what you have written makes a very important point. Thank you.

            Like

            1. There is more than one way to question love. One of those ways is fear-induced, inner fear-induced, and has little to do with whether the other person loves us or not, and more to do with whether we feel we are getting the kind of love we have decided we need to make everything better for us. Someone can love us genuinely and powerfully and we still may not feel it because it’s not what we’ve decided love is for us… ergo we question if they love us because they’re not giving us what we want, need, are greedy for… or more to the point we’re not allowing ourselves to have it and feel it. They’re not the ones withholding, we are.

              Receiving is an intrinsic part of giving. When someone gives us something, we give to them by accepting their gift. If we don’t accept the gift… that’s a form of taking, we take away the pleasure they had in giving the gift. It’s also a form of giving… we give them a bad feeling about giving to us, and they take away many questions and doubts.

              It is very complex, give and take/receive, is very intertwined… and a Saturn/Moon needs to figure those things out by separating the wheat from the chaff – that’s what Saturn does. In some ways, the Moon does it too. Their styles differ.

              Like

  1. Laughed the whole way through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL luv that you “don’t do female grooming the way we’re told…” heeheeeeeeee still laffin 😉 same here gf LOL So happy for you and your man~~~~nice ❤ great photos ❤ yummy for my eyes 🙂

    Like

    1. Thank you very much ❤

      Female grooming is a weird form of torture as far as I'm concerned, and each year it becomes more complicated and extreme, and it's very expensive (which is partly why it's encouraged by the fashion industry, there's a lot of companies making big bucks by promoting body hair phobia). Male grooming is pretty much as extreme as female grooming these days. And frankly I don't find the prepubescent naked as a new born baby look attractive on either gender, I like my men and women hairy as then I know for sure that they're real men and real women. When they're all hairless… it's kind of creepy, and I feel like a peado if I find a hairless adult attractive 😉

      I treat my female garden the same way I treat my other nature garden… let it grow wild, the way it is supposed to and wants to. But then again I'm a lazy person so any excuse not to do something will do, and I'll find a justification for it which will make others not want to argue with me about it 😀

      Like

    1. Thank you 🙂

      I think one of the things to remember in relationships is that the other person has similar needs, thoughts and feelings as we do, that they want to feel accepted and loved for who they are too. It’s easier to love and accept someone else when we feel loved and accepted, and through giving each other that we give it to ourselves too, we learn to love and accept ourselves and when we learn to do that we pass it on. We’re all a bit messy, sometimes our messes are compatible and the mess becomes beautiful.

      Like

Comments are closed.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: