My thoughts are like knives at the moment, sharp scalpels cutting through the flesh of matter, trying to figure out whether what once mattered still matters..
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The mind is like a closet which occasionally needs a good clear-out, but doing such a thing… oh, look, I’d forgotten that I had that, I can’t get rid of that I might need it someday in the future never, it may be useful even though it hasn’t been that way for a while or ever.
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Or something like that.
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My blog is a reflection of my mind in some ways, and so… here is something I found, should I keep it or throw it away? That’s not really a question, as if I start deleting posts to clear out my blog closet… the entire blog will get deleted, and I’m not ready to do something like that at this time or maybe ever.
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That’s an ideal. To stop punishing the me today by regretting the stuff that who I was, even yesterday, did do or didn’t do, or said or didn’t say. Ideals are there to inspire not become a reality. If I try to make the ideal a reality, I’ll end up getting annoyed at myself if I don’t live up to it which will lead to more kicking of self every time I stray from the ideal.
It is important to remember that I am human. You are human too. Those others who seem perfect from a distance are also human.
Have you ever looked at someone else who seems to have the perfect life, the one you may secretly want and kick yourself for not having, and wondered why they’re not happy or as happy as you would be if you had their life? Because just like you and me…
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An Upturned Soul 
This is a very big question (or if it’s not ‘question’ as a question with a question mark maybe the other ‘question’. Or are both the same? I’m wondering now), maybe the biggest question there is, do I want to sustract? Should I keep adding?
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It’s a question which is not a question simply because it is an answer in the form of a question, one of those which comes out as a question but answers itself as it is asked.
It’s a bit like saying ‘I don’t know’, sometimes we do know and we become aware of knowing as we are saying ‘I don’t know’.
Subtracting and adding are really only different things in math, in life they are often the same, for when we subtract something usually gets added in the process, and when we add something often gets subtracted. Think of all the empty spaces in your life, how long do they remain empty?
That’s why when I decide to do a clear out I usually clear everything out, then wait to see what fills the void. 🙂
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Question with a question mark as in ‘Do I delete?” or question as in ‘it’s a question of courage’ for example, that’s what I was trying to convey when saying ‘that is a big question’ since you wrote that it wasn’t really a question. (In other languages there is a distinction, I wondered whether both were the same thing, since there seems to be no explicit distinction in the English language, -and maybe that’s where other languages have borrowed ‘question’ from) In any case, I believe the question of deciding to substract or not is still a big question, for in my particular, personal experience I substract and nothing gets added to take its place. A concept, a belief, a thought (about anything, also those about myself), -poof, gone, dropped, and nothing to replace it with, no new belief, no new concept. Another thought comes in, that is true, different from the first one, easier to drop, to not believe. The void is scary, that’s why taking the decision is not easy. The paradox is, the void fills the space. I don’t clear everything out, I can’t, but I find that I can take one thing at a time.
I wonder if this time I put the post in its right place? 😛
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Yes! 😀
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Very interesting point, the one about language in particular. Two of the languages which I speak and understand, and the cultural influences of living in those countries, have a verbal quirk of ending a sentence with a question which is not a question 😉
The void itself is void, thus it is devoid of all things, including that which are scary – what makes the void scary is what we fill it with while thinking that it is a void… the moment we contemplate the void, it is no longer a void. Just as the moment we look at a blank piece of paper, even if we leave it blank, it is no longer blank.
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Haha such questions that i have countless times asked myself. And like you said, your blog is a reflection of your mind and if you were to start deleting posts, you’d probably delete all of them. Similar to me. But then we can’t because our blogs are a journey and especially if we tend to post a lot about our past and present experiences. Some may seem foolish when we revisit them but it is that foolishness that taught us lessons for our present wisdom. Some may evoke shame or hurt but it is that shame or hurt that has caused us healing and a logic view to issues in the present. Yeah, at times we tend to think others have a perfect life but everyone has a past, present and a past that determined how the future would be. This is indeed thought provoking. And i got a little confession, last time i commented on your blog and you told me that my answer was in my question, i was tempted to lose it, wondering why you said that but then i went back and read and re-read that comment, and i realized that i was probably letting the present situation, bother me too much. I was dwelling too much on it, i was getting annoyed and it kinda reflected even in the post i did that day on my blog. Though everything is still not in place for me, i find myself nowadays, trying hard not to play the blame game. I think it’s time i focused on me and not my NM and my F***d up family for now. So i guess that’s the answer i got from re-reading that comment and further blogging about the situation 😉 Thanks.
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A child of a narcissist (or narcissists) usually finds themselves when they are ‘tempted to lose it’. As we tend to walk a fine line between being and not being a narcissist ourselves, between following the path which was chosen for us by others and following the path which we choose for ourselves. But to walk our own path… we have to look where we don’t want to look and face what we don’t want to face – ourselves without someone else telling us what to see, or what they see. We need to see ourselves for ourselves without external influence. Especially when the question involves our personal experience of our own life with narcissists – no one else, not even another child of narcissists, can weigh in on that. We have to figure it out for ourselves because that is where our healing and our path resides. Learning to trust our own perception, using our minds logically, feeling our emotions and working through them.
Shame, hurt, fear, rejection, criticism… all of these need to be understood in their proper context, within ourselves and our experience. Only we, each individual, child of narcissist or otherwise, can do that for ourselves by interacting with the part of us which observes and knows our truth.
Always trust yourself to work things out logically, in the moment, here, now, what was… was… what is… is here and now 🙂
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Exactly, or an empty room, we say that it is ‘spacious’, and what is that if not full of space?
Really? I know what is the verbal quirk? I know you speak italian but can’t figure it out 😛
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Argh! I did it again! incorregible!! 😀
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And the question was what is the verbal quirk?… the I know was misplaced… (as it always is maybe? :P) If at least we can use our mistakes for something! 😀
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A mistake is only a mistake when perceived as such, what we do once we have perceived it as such… is that a mistake or something else 😉
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Perhaps what is incorrigible, does not need correcting 😀
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What is space – a perception of the viewer of said space, and their perception of space is based on their interpretation of what space is and what it is not. Space is a concept filled with our concept of space, no?
😉
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Haha you’re really kind -you really are 😀
What space/void/emptiness is, I don’t know, I guess I’m just just trying not to fill it while trying not to get dizzy in its whirl, and it’s not as difficult as it seems at first, the leap of faith is very important though, even when you try to grip any branch you see down the cliff, keep jumping! –someone said, jump before you think! 😀
Can I ask you what is the ‘verbal quirk of ending a sentence with a question which is not a question’ in the languages you speak? I’m really curious!
Much love! ❤
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I gave you an example of the verbal quirk, I worked it into my previous reply. 😉
The French sometimes add ‘non?’ at the end of a sentence which is not a question. The Italians do something similar. Quite a few languages do it. It sounds like a question but it isn’t. In English it is sometimes done with ‘you know?’.
I didn’t notice that I did it until someone pointed it out.
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God I’m a lousy/slow reader of quirks :p Thank you, I get it now. Interesting the way to end a sentence as a question, the first thing I thought was that you were referring to question tags (isn’t it?), as a sort of validation, or to keep the conversation going, the ‘you know?’ or de ‘non’ is a little different maybe?
I shall look into the etymology of the word ‘question’ in English for the ‘it’s a question of honor’ issue 😉
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We see things when we see them, the rest need not be seen. Refrain from being too much of a judgy-judge with yourself, other people are there to do this for you to you… 😉 !
English is in theory my mother tongue, but really such things are debatable 😉 My mother tongue is gibberish and such, and silence is my nature tongue… I was criticised for my reluctance to learn to talk when I was a child who was mute but should be talking… still wondering if perhaps I should have stayed silent and never learned this language known as talking. Kidding and not kidding.
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