What is the best Revenge against a Narcissist?

Nietzsche quote - Daniel Clarke imageimage by Daniel Clarke

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What is the best revenge against a narcissist?

This question is a search term which someone used online which brought them to my blog. Whether they found what they were looking for or not, I don’t know.

And I don’t know what the best revenge against a narcissist is.

I could relate my own experiences of the narcissists whom I have know and had to live with and deal with. But I did not go down the revenge route, other than the living well is the best revenge path (and it took me ages to figure that out and then do it).

I could say – Don’t go down this path, it is not recommended by me, not if you’re dealing with a real narcissist, someone with NPD, rather than just someone whom you think is a narcissist but isn’t one. If they are a real narcissist – you’ll be sorry. If they aren’t a real narcissist, you’ll be sorry in a very different kind of way.

I could scroll through my memory banks for times when people managed to get the upper hand over my parents. It’s not that difficult to remember those times as I usually ended up paying for someone else’s victory rather painfully, and painful memories are hard to forget (I’ve tried a billion times to do so… sometimes it is better to let them be as is, or use them in a constructive, inspiring way). Recalling what those people did to get their victory over my parents is harder than recalling the consequences of it.

My parents, like most narcissists (narcissists in this case = people with NPD rather than those who are very narcissistic but don’t have NPD), did not like losing in any way, shape or form, and for a narcissist just about anything can be considered a loss. Their egos are huge, hyper-sensitive and very prone to being damaged by the slightest thing, which is why they can go from sugary sweet or immensely charming to viciously vitriolic in a blink of an eye.

For those who’ve used the search term – How to piss off a narcissist – or variations on that theme. That is the easiest thing in the world to do if you’re dealing with a real narcissist because narcissists are always pissed off even when they seem to be in a good mood. That good mood is a superficial veneer which covers an inner seething. That good mood may seem genuine, and sometimes it is if they’ve had a dose of ego boost, but it can vanish very quickly as they use it up hungrily and need more and more at ever higher doses. If they don’t get their next dose, or if it isn’t enough to satisfy them, their fragile ego, they may spiral into a pit of fury, despair, fear, self-pity, and many other causes for intense drama into which they will suck everyone around them like a black hole.

If someone is ‘hard to piss off’, then they are probably not a narcissist at all. They could be a sociopath, or they could be a regular person (who isn’t perfect, may have made a mistake, disappointed or hurt you… you’re not perfect either) being immensely patient, empathic, and understanding about your attempts to piss them off… and they may begin to wonder if perhaps you’re a narcissist in this scenario.

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red haircrow quote

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Someone getting a victory over a narcissist tends to trigger all those things which lead to the black hole mood. And if the victor thinks they can get far and fast enough away from the consequences of their victory over a narcissist… maybe they can, but appearances can be deceiving, and the narcissist is not the only one who deceives with appearances. We can all do it, and do it to ourselves not just others, especially when we aren’t seeing clearly for whatever reason.

My parents tended to get obsessed by those who scored a victory over them, and would spend an inordinate amount of time plotting their revenge to get back at the person who had bested them.

I got to be the fly on the wall (stuck in the room with no way out), the captured audience (the Stockholm Syndrome child), of not only their rage and fury, misery, hate and engulfing self-pity, but also their plots to get revenge on the victor. Narcissists love to talk and talk and talk and talk, about the same thing over and over and over and over again. When they are focused on one person, they will discuss that person to death, often also plotting their demise and smiling with pleasure at their own fantasies, while feeling perfectly justified doing it. In the land of a real narcissist, the bad guy is everyone else, they are the hero of their own story and reality. Their reality is the only reality. Anyone who disagrees is a villain.

If you want to never ever get a narcissist out of your life, out of your head, out of your heart, out from under your skin, then engage them in one of their favourite pasttimes – the revenge games. They will thrive, feeding off your obsession with them. They don’t mind if you hate them, hate is synonymous with love to them and they often prefer that kind of love, as long as you make them the focal point of your life, attention, passion, mind, body, heart and soul.

You’ll need a lot of stamina, determination, perseverance and a willingness to do and say things which require a lack of conscience, empathy, sympathy or concern for consequences. You’ll need to stay angry, miserable, and in continuous pain for however long it takes, which won’t be hard as the narcissist in your life will nourish you well in this area – they will turn everything in your life, within and without you, into a wasteland. Your heart will become hard and black like charcoal, and will burn and burn with an eternally dark flame.

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work on paper by Laurie LiptonTete a Tete by Laurie Lipton

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They will blame you for all of it, and you won’t be able to shake the thought that in a way they are right about that. That will hurt… perhaps more than anything else. The thought that you may be a part of what they have been doing to you will be a parasitic doubt which will eat you up from the inside out.

Why didn’t you just walk away? What made you stay and engage in a battle which is never-ending? Why can’t you let go of the narcissist? Go No Contact as recommended?

Some things are easier said than done, some advice is easier to give than receive and even harder to apply, some things are easier asked than answered.

And once you’ve engaged in open war with a narcissist… can you stop? Won’t that be letting them win? And what if they won’t let you stop or let them win? What if they won’t let you go? What if you tried to go and only engaged in battle because they wouldn’t let you go?

And what if you can win this? What if victory is just over the horizon, around the next corner, the finish line is up ahead (next to the end of the rainbow)… and you give up just moments before you could have claimed victory (and a pot of gold)?

And what if you actually manage to be victorious and serve a narcissist their just desserts?

Whatever you do, don’t be fooled by an apparent victory. If the narcissist goes silent, retreats and appears to have accepted your superior skills of vengeance over theirs… like with everything else that a narcissist does, this is just a facade. They are regrouping their forces, rethinking their tactics, and researching new ways to get back at you. This battle isn’t over even if the fat lady sings, that’s just an intermission… or a sly tactic to lull you into false security.

The moment you relax, resting on your laurels, they’ll be back with a sneak attack.

They may have used the time during which you thought you’d won and were celebrating and relaxing to find your weak spot, an area which you thought was safe, which you’d hidden from them somewhere where they would never find it.

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your story

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They may have moved in on your territory socially, and slowly taken over, infiltrating themselves into every nook and cranny which you thought was yours and was free from them. Such as befriending your best friend, slowly poisoning their mind against you. And even if your best friend is aware of this person, who and what they are,  there are no guarantees that this will protect you or your friend.

They may have joined a club to which you belong, and where you go to relax and recuperate from your battle with the narcissist. It may even be a place where you go to get support. If you’re part of a victim of narcissists support group – the narcissist may well turn up there with their own story about being a victim of a narcissist, and if you recognise yourself in their stories, they’ll enjoy that, they have you exactly where they want you, cornered and unable to move. And they may well believe that you are the narcissist in the relationship, it explains a lot to them about the way you have behaved and the manner in which you’ve been treating them. They’ll find it easier to convince others in the support group about you being the narcissist than you will be at doing the same about them, and it won’t matter if you’ve been a long time member of this group and they’ve only just joined, in fact that may work to their advantage.

If a narcissist accuses you of being the narcissist, they will do it far more effectively than you. Anything you can do, they can do it too… they can do it better and worse – because they’ve done the research, the same research you’ve done, only narcissists listen differently than non-narcissists do, they absorb information in a way which causes it to become a part of them. They become the information. They will have studied every trait which defines a victim of a narcissist and they will embody every trait, until they are the ultimate victim who has experienced more pain and abuse than any other victim ever. They are very competitive and victimhood is a fierce competition for them, one which they intend to win, and they will stop at nothing to win it.

So, in your quest for vengeance against a narcissist, you may end up becoming the very monster which you were fighting. And the narcissist will win… again.

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hero:villain - damien carrion

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If you don’t believe me, that narcissists can infiltrate groups for victims of narcissists, be they ACoN groups or otherwise… there are plenty of stories told by others, on other blogs, about this out there online. Use your search engine, use it wisely.

And narcissists can be those offering you a cure to heal from narcissistic abuse. So, be careful. Trust your instincts, trust your intuition, trust yourself before you trust someone else and what they are offering you, especially if they are offering you a miracle cure – a favourite of narcissists.

I’m not going to link you to the articles which I have come across pertaining to this issue, as I don’t want to get caught up in a narcissist drama – I’ve had enough of that to last me several lifetimes, and hopefully I’ve finally learned my lesson, or one of many lessons which real narcissists teach inadvertently. I will however suggest watching – Web Therapy (this links you to the wiki page, which links you to the official site – videos are available for free online) – by Lisa Kudrow, Don Roos and Dan Bucatinsky. This type of fiction… reflects reality rather well, and really isn’t fiction at all.

Of course none of this is relevant if the narcissist whom you are fighting, against whom you wanted revenge, is not an actual narcissist.

‘Narcissist’ has become a popular and trendy accusation for people we find annoying, mostly because they were being selfish by not making us the centre of their attention and universe. They wouldn’t be who we wanted them to be and wouldn’t do what we wanted them to do for us. That’s annoying, that annoyance caused us pain, that must make them a narcissist.

A great example of this dynamic is in the film – Don Jon (2013) by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

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Don Jon Poster

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It is the story of a rather narcissistic young man who is living his life with little thought for anything other than getting his rocks off, notches on his bed post which feed his ego, having a fit body and seeing himself as being rather great from the outside, using the people around him to support his self-image. Then one day he meets a young woman who turns his world upside down. She is smart, beautiful, charismatic, and… in love with romantic films. She wants him to become the ideal she has of what a man should be for her – someone who does everything she tells him to do and makes her feel good about herself because of it. She is a narcissist, most likely a real one, the NPD kind of narcissist. She dumps him the moment he disappoints her expectations of him. He has done her wrong… she does absolutely nothing wrong. She’s perfect… he’s not = discard. She has no empathy or sympathy for him or anyone else. This experience forces him to self-reflect and look deeper into himself and how he is living his life. It is an excellent film, and has a poignant ending.

Please be careful when accusing someone of being a narcissist. Pause… and reflect… and self-reflect. If they have caused you pain you may experience them as being a narcissist, but that does not mean that they are a real narcissist. Don’t let the pain do your thinking, feeling and talking for you. Pain is a very narcissistic experience and we can end up causing more pain, passing our wound on to others in a similar manner that real narcissists do.

We all make mistakes… learn from them, use them to inspire, constructively…

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living well is the best revenge

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Rather than seeking revenge on a narcissist… figure out what living well means to you. Stop focusing your attention on them… redirect it onto yourself.

I know it’s hard… but consider yourself the best investment you’ll ever make in life. The most important relationship which you’ll ever have, the one which affects and influences all your other relationships, is the one which you have with yourself.

Take care of yourself.

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Update 2017 – I have recently come across an excellent blog (which also has a Youtube channel for those who prefer the spoken word, and the author of the blog has written books for those who prefer books).

This is the blog – Knowing the Narcissist

This is his Youtube channel – Knowing the Narcissist – Youtube

The author is a Narcissist – he states this in his bio, but before you run away, pause a minute, many victims of Narcissists have claimed to have found healing and help in their recovery through reading his posts (read the comments on his posts). I find his posts to be informative. In his posts he explains the Narcissist from the perspective of a Narcissist, and the Narcissist’s victims from the perspective of a Narcissist (and he gives detailed information about the different types and levels of Narcissists) – this is often what is missing for those trying to heal themselves after Narcissistic Abuse.

He is also rather patient, compassionate, and understanding for a Narcissist. Please be respectful – do not go there to bash a Narcissist, he is not your Narcissist.

Thank you for visiting. Take care of yourselves. Best wishes.

187 thoughts on “What is the best Revenge against a Narcissist?

  1. In my country of residence, food is a common gift. If you are new to the community, the wife of the boss, a teacher or someone who has some standing, people send food gifts. It should not be that way. People should send food to the poor and needy, but they don’t.

    Food is also control. If I send you breakfast every morning, you owe me something. Right? Usually, the narcissist will choose what they plan to demand. In my case, one narcissists lady did not own a vehicle, and I did. So she chose me to take her shopping all the time. She pushed me to spend money on things I did not want and often when we were in a public place had large bills of her own to pay and asked to borrow money. Taxis and auto rickshaws were cheap, and I was happy enough to pay for the auto or a taxi, but she demanded my husband take us shopping in our van. I quit accepting her breakfasts and told her, “Yes, my husband can drive, but he’s not a common driver. He has work to do.”

    A narcissists may have other reasons for sending food. If you get used to accepting their food gifts and depend on them, they love not bringing something one day. Ah, they can make you suffer! They can catch you off guard and embarrass or inconvenience you. Whatever their reason for bringing food, it ends up being for control over you. Isn’t it amazing how many ways they can conjure control?

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      That is an insightful story. It’s true there are many ways to gain control, and narcissists tend to study power and how to get it over others obsessively. They have an instinct for it too. They look for a person’s ‘weakness’ and then use it to get control over that person.

      Narcissist are not born, they are made, and they observed how those who made them wielded control over them. They are the classic abuse victim who grows up to be the abuser and victimiser of others. And the wound gets passed on and on until someone refuses to do it – which can be hard to do.

      Certain cultural rituals can be very narcissistic. But because they are cultural rituals people don’t tend to question them, or are afraid to question them because of repercussions.

      I used to live in a country which used food in a similar manner as the way you have described. To reject food when it was offered was considered a deeply offensive insult. But mostly they did not let you reject food, they just kept pressuring you until you accepted it, because ‘they love you’.

      Love is used a lot to gain and keep control.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I had a perfectly detailed revenge on a narc planned, just ready to be put into action, when suddenly it crosses my mind that engaging in vengeance implies admitting the person still lingers in your memory, so I decided to keep the non contact phasis for ever and know I could have fully exposed him had I really desired to do so.

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Wise choice. Your detailed revenge plan, with the knowledge that you could fully expose him, as long as you don’t activate it gives you a sense of personal power. Having a sense of power over your narcissist can aid in recovery and healing.

      Should you be tempted again, you might find that this website – https://narcsite.com/author/malignnarc/ – will offer information which will help you to maintain your No Contact, and give you an insight into the narcissist’s reaction to your revenge plan. It is written by a narcissistic sociopath, and he explains clearly how narcissists view those with whom they have relationships.

      It’s a website worth visiting if you’re finding it difficult to let go and move on, he tackles many of the things which keeps victims of narcissists attached to their narcissist ex.

      Take good care of yourself!

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  3. When a narcissist is acting out call them out by saying “don’t be an asshole!” They will stop in their tracks, take notice and not say anything. You caught them being an asshole and they can’t seem to respond back appropriately. It works!

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Different tactics work with different narcissists, and it depends on the type of narcissist they are, on the particular scenario, and on the relationship between you and the narcissist.

      If you surprise a narcissist with your reaction, such as calling them out on their behaviour when they’re not expecting you to do that, it was not part of their script for them and for you, and they don’t have a pre-planned response, it can derail their usual routine.

      If you’re dealing with a narcissist on the low end of the narcissistic spectrum, and the tactic you used did not offend them or wound their ego, or frustrate them in any way which leaves them angry, they may brush it off as a meeting with a worthy opponent, they might even respect you, and not feel the need to retaliate. They might even find your tactic amusing, and adopt it – narcissists will often take note of the tactics which others have used on them which have been effective, and they add it to their repertoire. They are Borg.

      However if you’re dealing with a narcissist who is on the high end of the narcissistic spectrum their ‘taking notice and not saying anything’ could mean they are retreating into silence to stew over the scenario, getting angrier and angrier while replaying it over and over in their mind to plan their response for the next time you or anyone else uses it. A silent narcissist can be one who is plotting how to get back at you, especially if their ego was wounded by your interaction, and the ways they repay you for what you did to them can be subtle (may involve a ‘smear campaign’ and other back-stabbing methods which you might not notice) and take a long time. For this kind of narcissist any victory which you have over them is a slight which must be repaid. For a point of reference, this kind of narcissist is the type portrayed in the TV show Billions in the character of Bobby ‘Axe’ Axelrod or his main enemy Charles ‘Chuck’ Rhoades.

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    2. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      The perspective which you have is one that is most often gained from personal experience – learning the hard and painful hands on way that engaging with a narcissist in this kind of ‘game’ is a bad idea and leads to more loss, frustration, and suffering than that which came before.

      It usually takes trying to ‘get revenge’ on a narcissist to realise that it’s all those things which you have said that it is.

      Those who haven’t been there and done that, don’t tend to listen to warnings as they don’t think it applies to them and their situation, they tend to think they’re going to get the upper hand, that they’re smarter than the narcissist, that justice will prevail in their favour, and that they’re the exception. That what happened to others won’t happen to them.

      And maybe it won’t happen to them because their ‘narcissist’ isn’t a real narcissist – these days that label is applied so liberally by people to other people, and it’s also used by narcissists who apply it to their victims.

      Take good care of yourself!

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    3. I’m an introvert and a loner. Perhaps the latter because of the steps I’ve taken Away from society thanks to narcissist types.
      All my life I’ve been a magnet for bullies and narcissists simply for being a non-conformist and a free-thinker who enjoys his own company.

      I can give you solid advice about these creeps, but it’s perhaps not very useful.

      Their “food source” is Attention. Any form, good or bad, they Thrive on it. All you need do is Cut Out Attention and it will “starve” them–it might even drive the a-holes crazy!

      And I mean tune out everything. Ignore them completely if possible. Treat them like they don’t exist. Don’t look at them. Avoid them. Work around them. If a narcissist so much as manages to force a reaction out of you–a shutter, a tear, a stutter, a groan–they’ve succeeded and will continue to push for more. Contain your emotions and let Nothing out. This is why I’ve found myself forced into a Spock-style life.

      Granted, I know that this isn’t easily applicable, especially in situations I’ve been in (as in having a narcissist boss or supervisor–in which case you either put up with him or quit!), but it’s direct and solid advice.

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      1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

        I agree that your advice is sound, solid and very good when it is possible to apply it. The No-Contact route is definitely the way to go if you can do it, but if you’re stuck with a narcissist in your life, such as if they are a boss or work colleague in a job you can’t quit, the parent of your child, or a family member (as the main ones in my life were), then the tactic of ‘grey rock’ and other methods outlined in this post – http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2017/05/how-to-protect-yourself-from-a-cluster-bs-abuse-gray-rock-medium-chill-and-robot-mode.html – may be of practical use.

        You bring up a very poignant and relevant point about the isolation which can occur in trying to protect yourself from and avoid narcissists and others of that ilk. By avoiding them and their drama, bullying, and over-bearing behaviour, and changing ourselves and our social proclivities to deal with them, we can end up missing out on relationships with people who are genuinely worth knowing, good, and caring.

        I ended up walling myself in, and the irony is that when you build a protective wall around yourself in certain ways it attracts narcissists more because they think you’re hiding some incredibly valuable treasure and they want it, and they’re the ones most likely to find how to break in to your fortress. Whereas good people will leave you alone because they respect your boundaries.

        If you are naturally different, you’ll always attract narcissists because you’re shiny, and they are fascinated by that uniqueness, want to know it and own it, or destroy it if they can’t have it for themselves. So how do you protect yourself from them while also being free to be who you are and share yourself with those who will respect and value you as you are.

        Narcissists can make us afraid of who we are, of letting ourselves shine, sometimes shining brighter and being brazen about it can also scare them away. The things which attract them also scare them… and their fear can be contagious, their fear of us can make us afraid of ourselves. It’s up to us to figure out how to live and be without being afraid of living and being.

        Blogging has helped me with that, and been quite the eye-opener. I’ve learned a lot from what others have shared with me.

        Best wishes on your journey!

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  4. It has taken me three and a half years before I can finally start to appreciate and act upon words like these. My narcissistic ex wife has made a wasteland of my life that I have wallowed aimlessly in since she divorced me. She left me for what Tara Palmitiere, PhD, calls in her online columns a “downgrade boyfriend”, whom she is now cheating on. I lost a lot to her and her vicious, cheating, manipulative ways but my sanity is slowly, ever so slowly, returning to normal. It’lol be awhile yet, but I will live again.
    I do fear the damage is not entirely reversible, however…
    …I cannot ever envisage myself falling in love ever again.

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      You might find this blog worth checking out – https://apensiveheart.wordpress.com/ – it is written by a man who is working on healing from being married to a narcissist. He has written about the challenges of dating, relationships and finding love after a narcissist, as well as the damage which his narcissist wife has caused in his life and in his relationship with himself.

      One of the hardest aspects of having a narcissist in your life is the mess they manage to make of your sense of self. Recovering from a relationship with them often feels like you’re starting from scratch, having to learn again how to walk and talk, how to be. They often leave you feeling personally powerless. They shatter conventional reality.

      Be gentle with yourself, give yourself plenty of time and space to work things out in your own way, at your own pace. Chances are you will fall in love again but it will be a very different experience because of the differences which a relationship with a narcissist will have made for you about the concept of love and what it means to love and be loved.

      Narcissists force us to reevaluate our values, our beliefs, our goals, our dreams and ideals, our thoughts about who we are, who others are, what we need and want, and what things like love entail. In some ways they make us dig deeper into ourselves and that can alter everything… at first it feels like we’re ruined and everything else is all ruined but later on we may discover that the curse of them is actually a blessing for us. It takes time though, so give yourself plenty of it and cut yourself a lot of slack along the way.

      Take good care of yourself!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I have been in married to a narcissist for 12 years, and just today, heading into year 13, I finally realized what he was. I am an attorney, he is an engineer. We have 4 kids…I am trying to wrap my brain around this. I have spent so much time trying to help him, giving him advice, diagnosing him so he can get help, hiding his verbal abuse and the physical evidence of his tantrums. I am an intelligent woman. I built a law firm from the ground up and ran it successfully for 10. Until he shot himself in the chest last May. And I was left spinning. And trying to make sure the kids were ok, and that I was ok. I have never not known what to do. I have never been so scared in my entire life. Surely, if a person shoots himself, they have to get better….right? Not a narcissist. I could never talk about what I went through during this time. Because what happened to me didn’t matter…he was low enough to try to kill himself. But he did call 911 right before he did it. And he did call me right after he did it and left a 5 minute VM for me to hear. I had to read suicide notes written to me and our 4 kids. And even at that time, the notes made no fucking sense to me. I think having to read a suicide note is possibly the worst thing a person could ever read. Especially those written to your kids. But after reading 5 of them, I was actually more confused. Realizing that your spouse is a narcissist is a bittersweet day. Even after all of the mental abuse, to me and the kids, telling our 10 year old daughter that he was not only going to murder her grandparents (my parents) but make they truly suffer first, telling me in front of the kids that I should just kill myself, all of the most vicious and vile names I was called in front of the kids, the holes in the wall he would fix the next day, flipping over tables (all of this just within December 2016) telling the kids if they called the police he would shoot a cop, so the cop would kill him, and that he hoped the cop had a 5 year old son, like our own, so that kid would also suffer (yes, he said that) the blame I received for his behavior, the exhausting convos for years about the same exact thing…covering 12 years of his antics would shut down the internet. But to learn that he is ok, just a fucking narcissist? I was actually hopeful he had Tourettes! But the fact that he is a narcissist?! He gets to walk out of his life, the life I created with him and buy a new truck and get on tinder, and go on dates, and sleep in, and go to dinners, and not have to bathe his 3, 4, and 5 year old sons every night. Or go through the early stages of puberty with his daughter. That he has acted like a 16 year old belligerent adolescence, and treaedt me worse than I have ever been treated, and he gets to move on?! Because he doesn’t fucking care?! That he could hurt my kids, HIS CHILDREN, with no remorse?! I have spent the early part of today thinking about the past 12 years, specifically the past 2, and replaying it the way it was. Everything that didn’t make sense to me. Every story he told…I now have to relive the worst parts so that I have a true grasp of what really happened. So that I have a clear understanding of what really happened. Of course he slept with other women. He has 4 phones for christ sakes! That’s not even the part I am stuck on. The worst part is that I feel so fucking stupid. I KEPT HIM in my kids lives. I did that. And I will have to live with that part. The later half of the day was spent online, stuck on website after website of definitions and stories, and how to deal and how to feel better and how to get over…but I’m still fucking pissed. For so many reasons. And I want to call him and tell him what a piece of shit he is. And I want to track his location. And I want him to know I will be fine, that he really hasn’t beaten me, I want to tell him that I know all his insecurities, and that he is in fact white trash, and that yes, you should be embarrassed by your huge self inflicted gun shot wound, and find out his response when these young, clueless girls ask why he doesn’t see his kids…but reading these websites, esp this one, has given me my next step: Im not going to do a fucking thing. I will not send emails, or texts or call. I will not say to him what I want to say, and tell him that he is in fact, everything that he fears he is. I am going to disengage. And I am going to practice this every hour. Because he doesn’t care what I say. Or think. Or feel. He doesn’t care about the damage he has caused, or his mess that I have to clean up. I have read the articles wherein the a spouse starts to believe all of the horrible things that the significant other has told them. I haven’t. Which doesn’t make it easier. When they don’t break you, they never stop trying. And even though I knew I wasn’t a fucking cunt, who slept my way up, doesn’t make it easier to hear. I have tried years diagnosing him. But the sad truth is that he isn’t suffering from a brain tumor; is just the most horrific person I have ever met. I have never written on anything like this before and I apologize for all of my words. I’m just reeling…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Reeling is a natural, normal and healthy reaction to facing the truth of a narcissist. It is a necessary part of the experience of freeing yourself from him and the hold he has had over you.

      You will go through the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – not necessarily in that order, with the stage of anger being the strongest and sometimes hardest one to deal with for the very reasons you have stated.

      This article is worth reading as it gives a detailed look at the experience of those who have been in a relationship with a narcissist – http://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that/ – it is written for therapists which makes it particularly interesting to read as it gives a detached perspective on narcissistic abuse. Detached perspective is useful when dealing with anything related to a narcissist.

      There are many paradoxes (and much cognitive dissonance) which your mind will have to work through – such as how can someone as intelligent as you are, have been so stupid when it came to him. The answer to that is as complicated as every answer is when it comes to questions about narcissists, and our relationships with them.

      How could you not have seen who he really was and what he was really doing – because you didn’t think you needed to look. In a normal relationship with a normal person you don’t have to look. The other person is pretty much who they are and who they are is pretty much who you are too – your relationship is based on a shared reality and that reality follows regular social standards.

      But with narcissists we step through the looking glass and everything becomes back-to-front.

      Narcissists live in an alternate reality which does not rely on the same logic, reasoning, rationale, parameters, which most normal people use. During the early stages of a relationship with a narcissist this is a part of their charm, what attracts us to them, what makes life with them fun, exciting and addictive, what makes them special and what makes us special for being a part of their life. There is something different from the norm about them. They’re not like everyone else and when we’re with them we aren’t like everyone else either, and that is great at first.

      The early stages of a relationship with a narcissist can be so intense, impressive, feel so good. No one else we’ve ever met has ever made us feel the way that they do. They tap into our hidden desires, longings, wishes, and get under our skin, and this sets us up to stick with them even when the next stages hit and become a nightmare. Throughout the worst of it we keep reminding ourselves of the best times which came before and keep hoping that the worst is just a phase, that if we wait things out, solve the problems, sort out the issues, things will return to the way they once were – and narcissists encourage this type of thinking.

      Narcissists operate within the blind spot which most of us have – we don’t see them, who they really are and what they’re up to, because they’re in our blind spot.

      Your training and expertise as a lawyer would have made you an excellent advocate for him – arguing in his defense against yourself. Your professional skills and experience would have worked in his favour rather than yours.

      This article is worth reading, it is not about narcissists per se, although it does mention NPD, and it is written for therapists – http://brettnewcomb.com/working-with-the-most-difficult-client-the-health-rejecting-complainer/ – it tackles an aspect of the way narcissists operate which is subtle and hard to spot until it is too late and we’re sucked into trying to fix their never ending problems.

      It’s worth keeping in mind that all the times you covered up for the things he did, you were doing what comes naturally to us to do for those we care about, for our family, for the ones to whom we’ve sworn loyalty and love, to those who seem vulnerable and unable to care for themselves. You were being protective – it’s just that protecting a narcissist exposes you and everyone else around them to the harm that they do. You were doing what we’re supposed to do in a relationship.

      Unfortunately doing what we’re supposed to do in a relationship when the other person is a narcissist ends up being that which you should not have done. But figuring out that someone is a narcissist is difficult, and often only happens too late to undo what has been done, what has already happened, all the mistakes which have already been made, because the mask only falls from their face once we stop holding it in place for them and feel ready to see them as they truly are. That can be a very hard thing to do and painful to look at.

      Be gentle with yourself. While reviewing your relationship with him, be understanding of your part in the relationship. Try to avoid blaming yourself, criticising yourself, being harsh towards yourself, focusing only on what you did wrong. Listen to yourself tell your story, hear what you need yourself to hear, acknowledge your pain, suffering and heartbreak. Write it down, write a letter to yourself about it all, tell yourself everything you want yourself to know.

      There is nothing you can do about him, but there is a lot you can do for yourself and for your children. You do not have to keep living in his back-to-front reality, even if he continues to be a part of your life – and he will, at some point he will probably decide that his new life free of you and the children isn’t as wonderful as he thought it was, his new women aren’t solving his problems for him, he misses the life he had with you, and he’ll suddenly remember that he loves his children more than life itself, can’t live without them (needs them to save him) and he will bring his mess back to you to sort out for him. Be prepared for him coming back as if nothing had happened, and for him blaming you for him shooting himself and then running away.

      Your intelligence and professional skills will prove useful, only this time you’re your own client. Working on your side rather than his. One of the best ways to get back at a narcissist is when you take all those things you learned from being with them and use it for your own benefit instead of theirs. What you’ve been through has made you stronger and has given you the ability to see through his charade, his drama, and say no to it and to him. To step out of his reality and step into your own.

      Take good care of yourself! Best wishes!

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      1. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your response; it felt like the first soft spot I have landed on in a long time. I am going to print it out, in addition to the articles and refer to them when necessary…which I imagine will be often. I don’t know how anyone could possibly prepare themselves for this fall out because their are so many damaged balls in the air: mother, wife, woman, professional. And each requires 100% attention. And each is in competition with the 100% demanded by each one of your children. Fortunately, I have a strong support system. And every one of them has had to sit back and watch helplessly as this unfolded because there is truly nothing they could do. But now that i have reached this point, they all have differing opinions insofar as my recovery, and suddenly I feel a bit more pressure to “get better”. And I know it is simply because they want it gone for me and that they finally feel like they can offer help. But I’m still processing.

        I cried today. And i cried because my heart is broken, and my kids were hurt, and i cried because of the trauma we lived through, and i cried for our former life. But it was the first time I cried simply because I started to acknowledge and feel the losses, and not because I was terrified or mad or exhausted. So I’m hopeful that the healing process, which I can’t even predict what that will be like, may be beginning. Thank you so much, again, for your words.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. i really needed to read this … as i was always wondering if he would miss me and want me back, reading this has made me realise hes gone for good and i need to pick my self up and get on with my life…. which im struggling to do….. i feel i cant breath without him….. he is a true narcisisst and very cruel rude and hurtful and has no conscience of what he does to u

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      The next time you are hit by a wave of wondering if he misses you, remember who it is that you would like to miss you, to be thinking about you and perhaps contacting you. You’ve described him as – a true narcissist, very cruel, rude, with no conscience of what he does to you – is that really the sort of person you want wanting you and being a part of your life.

      When a narcissist leaves a relationship they do not give closure, they may not even say goodbye, they walk off and leave you with millions of unanswered questions. What they want is for you to never get over them, to pine away from the pain of losing them, to never move on and have a life without them. They don’t want to be in your life but they also don’t want you to have a life without them.

      The struggling you’re experiencing in normal and natural for the situation, give yourself plenty of time and TLC. Take care of yourself!

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  7. Hi. Im in a dilemma. For 6 months My ex- narc still stalks my fb page and my home. He has not approached me except for 1 run in and he was surprisingly pleasant. After the run in thought maybe that would calm thing for him. But in a cpl of days i noticed the drive bys again (at night)where he just stops in the street. Im not in town or in a close neighborhood. He would have to go out of his way to drive by. Ive made no contact and have ignored but concerned if this is normal of a ex- narx after they discard? I never noticed the behavior while we dated but in the beginning of our relationship, i noticed it then only. Do they do this because they are not over us or its out of anger. In the mean time Im trying to heal but its not easy when this is going on and keeping my brain on overtime.

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      This blog might prove informative – http://letmereach.com/ – as it has many posts relating to dealing with the aftermath of having been in a romantic relationship with a narcissist.

      It is concerning that this ex is stalking you in person. It’s one thing for someone to mildly internet stalk another person, such as keep an eye on the social media activity of an ex, many people do this during the initial stages of a break-up, letting go can be very hard and takes time, but most people don’t take this beyond that. For him to actually get in his car, go out of his way and drive by your house repeatedly is a sign of something a bit more intense.

      Please take his stalking seriously but also be very careful about how you handle it. You don’t want to aggravate the situation but you also don’t want to dismiss it. You need to be aware that this could escalate and be potentially dangerous for you, but also keep in mind that it may not escalate, he may not actually pose a threat, he may get what he needs from what he is doing and he may get bored of doing what he is doing. He may just be checking to make sure you’re not with someone else – that may be his main concern. It very much depends on the story which is going around in his head and the sort of person that he is. He’s not dealing well with losing you and losing control over you, and his actions show that.

      I’d suggest checking out information and sites which offer advice on how to deal with stalkers. Such as this one – https://www.stalkingriskprofile.com/victim-support/general-advice-for-victims – which also gives info on types of stalkers – https://www.stalkingriskprofile.com/what-is-stalking/types-of-stalking

      Make sure your friends and family are aware of what he is doing. Keep a record of his ‘visits’. While it is often recommended not to show fear in situations like this as this might encourage the person stalking you, you do need to trust your instincts.

      Please take care of yourself!

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  8. You can’t get revenge on a narcissist, because they have no empathy, compassion or consideration for others. If you’re hoping they’ll suddenly realize how great you were as a partner and miss you, you’re wrong.

    They do get embarrassed if humiliated, or mad if ignored, but there is no reward for your efforts. They will spin a tale that those who wronged them are crazy, and your efforts will only stroke their oversized ego.

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