“I don’t know!” I said rather loudly, emphatically, and suddenly… suddenly as in there was no conversation at the time wherein this statement was required, nor was there a verbal interaction at all. I just said it.
“What don’t you know?” the person within earshot asked.
What do I know? – would be an easier question to answer.
However since this particular question was related to my sudden ejaculation, it was best answered truthfully.
“I don’t know… is a way of telling myself to shut up.”
“But you weren’t talking.”
No, I wasn’t, not on the outside, but on the inside…. the lengths of my posts = the conversations going on inside of me at any given time. Sometimes I want them to shut up because… I don’t know!
“The emotion is Janus-faced: we are torn between a nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.” ― Carson McCullers
Someone recently said to me that they would, if we lived in the vicinity of each other, like to meet me. Sometimes people whom I meet online say this, or something similar to this, to me, and… the natural hermit in me gets rather self-conscious.
I’m always conscious of myself (mostly… well, sort of mostly), but most of the time I am not self-conscious… until someone puts me on the spot or in the spotlight.
Being put on the spot or in the spotlight for me is when someone realises that I’m a person, an individual.
This isn’t a natural position for me, not in relation to others. I know I’m a person, an individual, but I don’t expect anyone else to notice that or anything else about me. Frankly that’s not what interests me, not when I’m with others, whether it is in person or online. What interests me is others, for many varied reasons.
“Our popular-media culture is saturated with themes of conflict, combat, and conquest. Popular films feature cops chasing crooks; the military fighting terrorists; the lone avenger pursuing the evil-doers. We say we love peace makers, but our heroes are warriors. As a society, we like our celebrities to be cheeky, self-important, and even a bit narcissistic.
Little wonder that humble people seem a bit strange to us, as if they’re following some syncopated life rhythm that few people around them quite “get.”
Humility is about emotional neutrality. It involves an experience of growth in which you no longer need to put yourself above others, but you don’t put yourself below them, either. Everyone is your peer – from the most “important” person to the least. You’re just as valuable as every other human being on the planet, no more and no less.” – The Paradoxical Power of Humility: Why humility is under-rated and misunderstood by Karl Albrecht, Ph.D.
I do like it when people are aware that I’m a people just like them, however it’s not a requisite and sometimes it can cause more problems than it solves. It depends…
People sometimes feel inhibited if they’re too aware of you as a you, and this can create an obstacle in getting to know them because they become self-conscious and then they may try to control the impression of themselves which they want you to have of them.
To be brutally honest – most people are better as themselves than anyone they are endeavouring to be. But, of course, we’re all a bit reluctant to be ourselves as is for varying reasons.
“…and, like Janus, have a double face of false and true” ― Percy Bysshe Shelley
We all have a need to be liked, even when we don’t, it is an element of our primal natural survival mechanism, and sometimes we tweak who we are to get and be liked. If the tweak works and gets us liked… we may go down the path of people-pleasing and find ourselves lost along the way.
People pleasing is a great skill to learn, but as with everything, if we take it to an extreme, use it unnaturally, it becomes unbalanced. We may even decide that it is a bad thing to be….
“Recently I overheard a mom put a positive spin on the outrageous demands and expectations of her cranky child. With a crinkled nose, she said, “Well, at least my child is not a people pleaser!” Her disgust toward any overly agreeable child was evident. Presumably, such a child would be very weak in character.
Why, then, do people pleasers have such a bad reputation? One of the biggest reasons can be traced back to Carl Rogers who developed his theory of personality in the 1950s. He claimed that what prevents people from self-actualizing is that they bend over backwards to please others.” – People Pleasers Are Underrated: Sincere people of high integrity cooperate with and avoid exploiting others. by Anita E. Kelly
When considering something like people-pleasing, surely we need to make sure we’re one of the people we are pleasing…?
Everything in moderation… is the ideal… but we’re human and our ideals often criticise our execution of them and we end up feeling… confused by the mixed messages we get from ourselves and from others.
I could chalk this tendency of mine to prefer being out of the spotlight, off the spot, down to growing up as a child of narcissists, or the child of a slightly famous person (albeit famous only in certain circles, the circles which surrounded me while I grew up), but it’s not just that… I think it may just be… just me.
Or it could be something to do with being born in January – the month named after Janus, the two-faced god.
Two-faced has come to mean something rather negative, but for every negative there is a positive side to it, a flip side. I do love my flip sides… could that be because of the month I’m born in?
Why not? Does everything have to be black or white, right or wrong, fact or fiction, true or false, either/or, etc? Does life and being human really function that way, by those rules?
“Janus and his doorways. He would have you believe that all choices are black or white, yes or no, in or out. In fact, it’s not that simple. Whenever you reach the crossroads, there are always at least three ways to go…four if you count going backward.” ― Rick Riordan
Isn’t it all just more of a blurred lines mess with a natural order to the chaos… an order which sometimes refuses to fit into the human ideal of what order should be?
I don’t know….
I don’t think anyone knows, but many have tried to become the authority of knowing. Those sort of people give me a crick in the neck because they’re so high up on their pedestal and I’m just a tiny ant to them… and this ant is more interested in what is on the ground than high up their in the air… still, what’s up there could be interesting too and is worth knowing (as it could be a foot which squashes you if you’re not paying attention).
“You don’t see much of any path unless you are Janus, looking simultaneously backward and forward.” ― Frank Herbert
If you’re born in the month of a two-faced god… perhaps you have to be consciously aware of things and people who give you cricks in the neck when you investigate them as you don’t want one of your faces to get smushed, forgotten, lost in your shoulder or wherever its forced to smush, bury, itself… as its mouth may have something to say, even if it is just to exclaim – I don’t know.
Sometimes it’s good to be reminded of that.