Toxic Niceness

I really should have called this post something along the lines of – How to Miss Spotting a Covert Narcissist.
However I wrote this a long while ago in blog time, before Upturned Soul, before the past became the present in the way that it did and I had to re-learn to deal with my own private narcissists.
It was inspired by an experience which was one of the first of a few that stirred me out of a lull and forced me to figure things out.
What I didn’t mention in this post, because I was a little less bold then in my writing and sharing, and a little more prone to blurring the details (and old habit learned from being the child of narcissists) was that this incident all happened online, when I was a newbie to the online social media communities. Green got a bit less green quite quickly.
Someone recently suggested that I should write a bit more about online narcissists. I replied that I would not being doing that beyond what I’ve already done about it because that’s a can of worms I would rather avoid opening.
I don’t always listen to myself, I’ve learned to not listen to others over the course of a lifetime. Or at least to listen with due consideration. So, we’ll see.
This is one of my favourite posts, it isn’t my best, it’s just one of those which reminds me… of things which I need to be reminded.
Narcissists, particularly the covert ones, always come bearing gifts and often look sparkly, lovely and represent an ideal…

An Upturned Soul

So many people move through life pretending to be who they are not, being nice on the surface when they are seething with rage inside, being mean when they have a heart of gold, being cold when they yearn for the warmth of others, being overly helpful when they actually want you to fail, being happy when they are inwardly crying, and being hostile when they are actually terrified. Sometimes people are not aware that they are pretending, sometimes they actually believe they are who they are pretending to be, and sometimes they are doing it with their eyes wide open with deliberate intent.

We all fake it a little bit every now and then, either because we want to fit in when we feel that we don’t, or we’re in a situation which makes us uncomfortable and we disguise our true selves for a while, whilst we figure things…

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  1. Growing up in an alcoholic home leaves very similar childhood wounds. We become confused about our own feelings and never really know who we are.

    Until recently, I was not aware that I was trying to fit other’s desires and needs. Its all I’ve ever known. The real self never quite existed.

    I’ve unintentionally pretended that i’m fine with with substandard treatment, ignoring my needs and wants. In finding my rage, its helped to empower me..and become aware of this pattern of being false.

    When we really listen to people, including ourselves, what is hidden or unconscious is often revealed.

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom!


    • Thank you for sharing 🙂

      It takes a while to see ourselves, to know our selves, and sometimes we have to wander far from ourselves to find our selves and then come back to who we are, to our real home and our real family of us. It’s all part of the learning curve and surfing, scaling it. Sometimes we fall, sometimes the fall is how we stand up.

      It is good to listen to others, but it is better to listen to ourselves who have heard what others have said and have digested it, and realised that a lot of it is not about us at all.

      As Tolkien said- all who wander are not lost – we’re just taking a detour. We’ll get where we need to be eventually, and then… Ahhh!


  2. Yes. The Stealth N. I am coming to know that one so well. I railed on about her in one of your other posts earlier.and of course you were spot on on your response, as always. oh how I detest these creatures. You know they start off being crafty and sneaky and snarky as they bear their gifts.

    And you know that the narcissist only becomes worse as the years go by. For those who may have not heard this before, this can be comparable to the core of an apple rotting from the inside out. so my theory is that the older they get the less stealthy they become because the darkness of that narcissism is setting into them deeper and deeper.

    As I stated earlier the one I was once with has now crawl back out of her hole after almost 2 years spent with a former friend of mine, who obviously is not that anymore.I can see that she has spent most of her life hiding behind men bouncing from one man to another to another to another. But she is forever now not even 2 or 3 hours after her big huge emotional break up with the last one I see her out in the club standing out in front of 200 people waving her ass all around letting everybody know that there is fresh meat in the house as the strays begin to gather around here. I know that during those times the little girl inside of her has taken over and is calling the shots.. She must feel like she’s the absolute queen of Bathsheba during a time like that.

    But I know that she is getting close to where she is going to have to pull completely out of this life she’s currently involved in (like has been done before) when she has burnt so many bridges but she fully understands that she cannot continue her covert operations and she will have to move on to new stomping grounds and all new people to infiltrate.


    • The hardest challenge for someone who has been in a relationship with a Covert/stealth narcissist is to detach from them and their version of reality and of you. To climb out of their life drama which wants to keep you forever trapped in it. It’s very tricky to do that because there is always a hook which finds a soft spot and pulls you back in every time you get yourself out. You have to switch to manual and extract yourself bit by bit.

      Narcissists want others to be as obsessed with them as they are with themselves. You have to break the spell – which is never easy, especially when you’ve been in love with the narcissist.

      You have to very consciously not give a damn. But for every conscious not giving a damn move which you make they counter it both consciously and unconsciously (which is sometimes far more powerful in its effects and influence over you and others than the conscious moves).

      You have to forget her, ignore her, be disinterested… a part of you wants to do that, but a part of you doesn’t – that’s your real challenge, not her and her ways but the part of you which keeps you focused on her and her ways. Your real battle is with yourself, she’s just a vessel for your battle with yourself. That’s the real trick to breaking free of a narcissist – it’s no them that keep you tied to them, it’s you. It’s one of the hardest parts of the dynamic to face, and often takes many failed attempts before success because the mind prefers to blame others for everything than it does to face its part in things. Yet through that way lies freedom.

      It is very hard to break free as long as you keep yourself attached – but facing that you’re doing most of the work on behalf of the narcissist to keep yourself trapped in their world is a difficult truth to deal with – it’s easier to blame them for everything and turn them into a mythical monster. They’re in some ways just a salesman who lets us sell the nightmare to ourselves, and trap ourselves in it because we refuse to confront that we trapped ourselves in it, so we keep finding ways to sell to ourselves a different version of events.

      The only way I managed to break the spell was by realising I was the one casting it for the narcs in my life. That was a horrible truth to face – but it was my door to getting out of the endless hell. I didn’t get out unscathed, and still have to deal with the consequences, but it’s a bit more logical these days. It’s a little less crazy-making. Which is something compared to how it used to be.

      Look after yourself, stop looking after her – I know it’s hard, but you matter more than she does!


      • I must say I am amazed at how much blogging you do. I’ve already mentioned your unique viewpoint to the N World. Yes your analogy is accurate, I got hooked deep into a soft spot. I have to switch to manual. That appeals to the GearHead in me. I fell into her twisted world hook line and sinker. She keeps me dangling through time without even knowing it. Seeing her again, especially like that – more slutty than I’ve ever seen her makes me feel that hook point just as much as before. I am reluctant to include further personal experiences in any tapes. It just gets tougher to drag myself back in over and over. I continue with the same damage to my life that already came my way as this new year starts in. I cannot even mention all the trouble I am in.

        I said it in a vid and will say again – I prefer to blame the N. As these con artists are always able to slip away from the blame that is due them. They need to have all the blame heeped on them that can possibly be. Yes I don’t like slinking away in silence. I guess it is simply not my way. So the Ns are the salesmen. Yes indeed – like the used car salesman, selling us a bill of goods, lying to us, cheating us ….. yes – very good!

        I have slept with the devil and in doing so, this has opened me up to a whole new wicked world. I live in the U.S. which is quickly going to hell. When looking out upon my country, I can see my N’s wicked face. What is happening in the highest levels becomes much more clear. The veins of Narcissisim run deep into there. My best revenge is to get after her bigger brothers and sisters of evil even if it kills me … which it may.

        Google the name David Crowley. It is coming up on a month since the death of his family. Being that I just finished film school and have also plenty to say – I along with the others am completely dissatisfied with the results of the investigation so far. These deaths really fucking piss me off. What ever the manner of their deaths – one thing is for sure, it is evil that took them down, something I have grown quite familiar with and am quite vocal about on FB. I graduated on the Dean’s list so I need to be smart about picking my battles but I can see that none of the choices are going to be good – no matter how I try to spin them.

        I haven’t been to my blogsite for quite some time but here it is for what it’s worth:


        • The ‘secret’ to my blogging as much as I do is that I tend to blog more when I’m stressed out as it tends to focus me, writing a post helps me to pinpoint where the stress fracture is located and sometimes I can find a way to ease it by noticing how I’m making things worse for myself. The past couple of years have been increasingly stressful, so I’ve blogged a lot and it has helped. I’ve had to face a few home truths and it was a bit like lancing a boil.

          There is a lot to be said for placing blame fairly and squarely where it belongs, however there is a tipping point which can leave you powerless. If everything is someone else’s fault, some other entity’s doing, then you have no power at all. Sometimes you need to reclaim a bit of the blame, the parts which give you back power in the situation. It can be a difficult process as when you’ve been in a relationship with a narc everything is out of balance and re-balancing things is very hit and miss, it opens up wounds, hurts like hell and many other aspects of intense and raw human experience.

          The best revenge on a narc is not to seek revenge because revenge is narc territory – that’s partly why they’re so adept at getting away with what they do to you. Want revenge on a narc – forget about them and get on with living your life in a healthy and self caring manner. Easier said than done once a narc has gotten into your system. You have to get them out of your system by getting to know your own system inside and outside, intimately, then adjusting it slightly.

          Fighting a narc society… is a waste of time. Step out of the battle and watch them take each other out. The best weapon against a narc is another narc, they hate each other more than they hate everyone else – don’t give them someone else (you) to focus their hate on as that tends to unite them against you. Take yourself out of the equation and they will take each other out.

          My dad was a narc, however he was the kind who was fairly aware of the way that he was, he warned people about who he was it was their problem if they didn’t listen, he was also aware of the narcissism of others, which is often why people didn’t listen to his warnings about himself, and he also realised that narcissism was rampant in society, business, government, etc, and its influence on him and the way he behaved. Every now and then he’d give me some great insights which took me a while to understand. One of those was that sometimes your best course of action is to sit back and wait and watch everyone else fight. He used to say – I’m going to sit on the riverbank and watch the bodies of my enemies float past on the river, eventually they all float by. He didn’t take his own advice, but I did, particularly where he was concerned, and also where my mother is concerned.

          However you have to do what you need to do and trust yourself on it. Just do it with open eyes, consider the possible consequences for yourself. Make sure you take good care of yourself.


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