Parental Communication – A Survey for Adult Children of Narcissists – Act Now!

Are you a self-identified ACoN – Adult Child of a Narcissist?

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If you are please consider taking this survey – Parental Communication Measure Study

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The survey is being conducted by Valerie Coles, Ph.D. and Dr. Jennifer Monahan of the University of Georgia’s Department of Communication Studies.

It is open to all Adult Children of a Narcissist parent participants until February 28th, 2015.

Please be aware that it requires you to answer questions regarding your communicative interactions with one narcissist parent – so if both of your parents are narcissists you will be asked to pick one and won’t be able to pick both of them for the purposes of the study. If both of your parents are narcissists, I suggest picking the most dominant parent in your life as a child and adult, the one who has affected you the most through their communication with you.

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The results of the study aim to create a scale to help identify narcissist parents.

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Your identity will be kept anonymous, and you can opt out of participating in the survey even after you have agreed to take it.

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respect your children - Ann Wilkinson

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I have already written a post about this survey – WANTED – Adult Children of Narcissists for a survey – as have other Adult Children of Narcissists who blog about their personal experience of growing up with parents or a parent who are/is a Narcissist and how it has affected their lives, their childhood and adulthood.

Valerie Coles, Ph.D. contacted me to thank everyone for their participation thus far. If you haven’t participated yet, please do so, make your personal experience a part of a global awareness of an important issue.

Our children are our future – is something which is often said, but what do we, we who are the future of our parents, do about it and what was done to us. Sometimes the most powerful acts are the ones which seem almost insignificant – and if you’re the child of a Narcissist, feeling insignificant may have been and may still be your daily bread. Perhaps this is our chance for our voice to actually be heard, to count, and to make a difference.

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In today’s Daily Post prompt: Think Global, Act Local, WordPress bloggers were asked to connect a global issue to a personal one and write about it in a post.

Being an Adult Child of a Narcissist is a personal issue. One which I have written about on my personal blog in many posts. One of the posts which I wrote – Being A Child of Narcissists – Breaking the Silence – has received almost 40,000 views since I published it in November 2013.

Which for me and my tiny blog is a huge response, one which I sometimes find overwhelming to think about. I have been contacted through the comments section on that post, and other similar posts, by Adult Children of Narcissists, and by those who have had a partner who is a narcissist, who have children with a narcissist and are concerned about the welfare of their child, and have had many people share their stories of relationships of many kinds with narcissists.

But is this a global issue?

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world_eater_by_norubber-d4t94wbWorld-Eater by NoRubber

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Someone once asked me why some of my posts appear on the first page of results of a Google search on Narcissism. I have done little to nothing to promote my blog or this issue, this has happened due to others sharing my posts, to whom this issue is personal, such as the one on being a child of Narcissists.

Does that mean that being an Adult Child of a Narcissist a global issue?

Narcissism, Narcissists, Narcissistic Abuse, and other NPD related issues are popular, trending, a hot topic online – Does that make it a global issue?

It very much depends on what a global issue is considered to be, on how such a term and concept is determined.

Child Abuse is a global issue, but is being the child of a Narcissist considered to be child abuse by global standards?

The abuse that a child of a Narcissist has to endure is often not physical (although it can be – sometimes through complete lack of any physical contact), it is predominantly emotional and psychological. It creates a deep wound and many scars, but they are not visible and are hard to prove. More so because one of the aspects of NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, involves creating a false facade which looks perfect to the outside world. A parent who is a Narcissist is the perfect parent as far as they and everyone else is concerned – they look good, sound good, and therefore society thinks they are good based on their appearance.

Narcissists are excellent at self-promotion, particularly at creating a false self which becomes real to everyone through the efforts of the Narcissist to make it real. They excel at using communication – their talk is their walk too. Don’t look too closely at their walk and compare it with their talk as it will usually contradict their talk – luckily most people get mesmerised by their talk and don’t look at their walk. They love to talk and they love the power which talking gives them over reality and others.

They tell you what you want to hear, and you become putty in their hands. How do they know what you want to hear? They just keep talking until you react to something that they say and then they tap into what you reacted to and use it to get under your skin and inside your mind.

They tell you who you are, and you become it. Using the universally human desire to be liked, accepted, loved, to fit in.

They tell you what reality is, and you don’t question it… because when you do they unleash verbal hell, so you learn to keep quiet.

They can build worlds, build people up, build their entire identity and reality all through talk – they can also destroy it all through talk, and can cut very deeply with it, shattering others, and other worlds and realities. The very threat of this happening can keep people trapped by the Narcissist.

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“But she was half in love with chaos… With all her yearning for the ordinary life, she was born to admire outsiders. You could see she felt enlarged by drama and trouble, by the electric pulse of things going wrong, and her vision of the easy life remained in most ways a recurring dream.”
― Andrew O’Hagan

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They use similar tactics as those used in brainwashing and interrogation, only they do it in less obvious circumstances and ways.

A child of a narcissist is brainwashed, interrogated and trained 24/7 in the seeming safety of the home environment, behind closed doors, in the privacy which family life offers.

No one sees the abuse, therefore is it abuse?

Society is now aware of the extent of abuse which some parents inflict on their children behind closed doors in the sanctuary of family, and is also fully aware of the fact that children abused by their parents may deny the abuse they suffer to protect the parent who abuses them. Some people do not understand this behaviour because they can’t empathise with a child who is abused by their parent as they have not experienced this kind of constant and determined abuse of power and position from someone who has complete dominion over you and your life, they have also not had to learn to use every inch of primal survival skills from day one on Earth.

When you are abused as a child, you learn quickly, instinctively and intuitively (before your learn to think) that exposing or confronting your abuser is worse than putting up with the abuse and adapting to it. You also learn very early on that no one cares. Those outside of your private hell can’t see what is going on, and if they can they choose to turn a blind eye to it – it takes a long time to know why they do that, to realise that sometimes adults are as powerless as children when it comes to dealing with an abuser, especially a parent who is abusing their child and doing so in a way which is too subtle to prove. And sometimes even when you can prove it because it is blatant and leaves visible scars, wounds, and bruises… the abuser gets away with it due to a loophole or some other crack in the system which they are always using to their advantage.

Many Narcissists play the victim role and card, and do it better than their victims. Some Narcissists view themselves as victims of Narcissists (and aren’t just playing the victim, they believe it), as child victims of a Narcissist parent. Which may be true – your parent who is a Narcissist may be that way because they grew up with a parent who was a Narcissist. Does that mean that you, as a child of a Narcissist, will become a Narcissist too?

The ‘experts’ on such things are still debating the issue…. while we’re living it, being affected by it and affecting others because of it. The Narcissistic wound, whatever form it takes gets passed on, and on, from person to person.

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“Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf.” – Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse

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An Adult Child of Narcissists recently commented on one of my posts – An Inconvenient Introspection about Narcissists  – criticising the post, this blog, and my lack of empathy concerning the issue of Narcissism and its effects on those who suffer Narcissistic Abuse. They felt that I was making excuses for Narcissists, that I was not taking the issue of Narcissism seriously and they wanted me to know that it was a real issue.

Making excuses for Narcissists is one of the things which a child of Narcissists is taught to do, by their Narcissist parent/s and by Society at large – it’s a hard habit to break. The repercussions of which may affect others, perhaps on a global scale.

Feeling that you’re not taken seriously, that what you have suffered is… nothing, so get over it and yourself… is also a common experience of children of Narcissists, both when we are young and it continues when we are older. The frustration this inspires in us at a personal level may inspire us to lash out at the world, and it becomes a global issue.

My reply to this Adult child of Narcissist was to give them the link to the

Parental Communication Measure Study

If you want to change things, want people to know that Narcissism is a real issue, want Society to pay attention to Narcissistic abuse, to acknowledge that being a Child of a Narcissist is something which affects our future on a global scale – make your voice count, participate in a survey which is taking your experience seriously and wants you to help make a difference.

The choice is yours.

Thank you.

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child abuse - ignacio nunez

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Break your silence.

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