Bashing the X

If you read the title of this post and figured that I was going rip a past lover to shreds in it, think again.

I only have one ex in my romance history, a teenage romance story, and he’s lovely.

I didn’t always see him that way, but then again if I look at him through a glass darkly… I’m not pretty either. Is his ugly really his or mine?

I reconnected with him a while ago through that reconnecting with people from your past medium known as Facebook. Then shortly afterwards deleted my Fb account – nothing to do with him, or anyone else, just me being me.

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excuses et cetera

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Me being me is a complicated thing. I’m sure you can relate to that as I suspect that you being you is complicated too. All those multiple facets of character, personality, being, inside of you and outside too, to mediate like a diplomat and run like a gauntlet.

Is it any wonder that our relationships with others are a mess when our relationship with ourselves is so complex.

And since our relationship with ourselves is complex… those others whom we have relationships with, well, they’re trying to deal with their complex relationship with themselves too. So… yeah!

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Wasteland, T.S.Eliot.

Bashing the X… refers to how I’ve been solving problems in my dreams recently (inspired by playing video games where ‘X’ is a functional key and actually solves things in the game… sometimes, not always as when you press it, it can cause problems, but only in-game problems – unless you’re playing with a back-seat gamer, but that’s another thing not relevant at the moment. Hmmmm… shhhh…).

Bashing the ex… is something people do to try to solve problems in life. Sometimes it does the trick, but sometimes it just makes everything more complicated than it already is because… of all the becauses and their domino effect rippling off from you to others, to and from those who listen to you, and to and from your ex who may be doing the same thing, and to and from those who listen to your ex.

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Flemeth

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When I saw today’s Daily Post prompt: Just a Dream, which stated – You’re having a nightmare, and have to choose between three doors. Pick one, and tell us about what you find on the other side.

I laughed. Not sure if it was a nervous laugh, a reflex to something ridiculous (someone thinking dreams are that straightforward), or the best way I know of dealing with something that is… but… hmmm…

Whoever wrote this prompt… have you read Steppenwolf?

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“Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest.”
― Hermann Hesse

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And laugh at the – to be taken seriously – stuff too. Just in case…

I’m fairly certain there was a scene in the story which involved a choice of doors, doors which may have been real or part of a dream… but it’s been a while since I read it and its narrative has blurred into the narrative of other books read, films seen, other lives, and a life lived and still being lived, and sometimes written and read while writing and stuff like that.

Real life in retrospect can seem like a dream or a nightmare or both, a long almost interminable hallway with a gazillion doors… and what is dream and what is nightmare is usually blended together and viewed through the lens of the moment. The past changes with the present and those possible hoped-for and dreaded futures which are hard to tell apart – what if it all goes right!?!

Our waking life can be more bizarre than our dreaming life.

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black sails

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Bash the X, bash your ex, take your waking life nightmares out on the doors which you’ve chosen to walk through, blame it on them for being fairy doors that self-propagate yet lead to nowhere and clutter up the ecosystem, or for being limited in their choice and you chose the wrong one and won’t ever know if they were all the wrong one, or on those who held them open for you, pushed you through them or greeted you once you walked through them…

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if you still talk about it....

Or take credit for going through a right door without knowing if perhaps all of them were right… who knows, once you’ve crossed a threshold, that’s kind of that and whatever is on the other side is what’s there, whether you’re dreaming, dreaming yet awake, sleeping and dreaming, hallucinating neither asleep nor awake, or any other variation.

Love and hate can be the same thing as nightmares and dreams, ideals and delusions. A beautiful dream can turn into a nightmare, yet did it change or did you just look at the same thing differently?

That support group who welcomed you with open arms and sheltered you when you were vulnerable… are they perhaps a cult?

That guru who seems so spiritual and inspiring… is he or she just pretending due to ego?

That celeb who annoys you… why do they annoy you, is it them or you?

That compliment which elicits a smile… what is the smile really saying to the compliment?

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optical differences.

Doors of perception and perception of doors.

No…

I have no idea what this post is about either… or do I?

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6 thoughts on “Bashing the X

  1. I’m loving that image of a relationship as a door you walked through. You entered a room which was a part of your life in some ways really separate to the rest of it but in some ways deeply reflective of it echoing down a long pathway of last rooms of relationship…..When you entered that room lots of intense experiences happened and at times one of you shut the door on the other one leaving the other one spinning, maybe even in pieces on the floor that need then to be reassembled and the new you that comes out of the relationship has been changed in some way by it, maybe large pieces of them remain lodged in you like shrapnel but in any case the relationship changes you. It may cause you heaps of pain (most of mine did) or it may have left you lighter. I find it hard when others really berate their exs blaming them and blaming them without seeing there must have been a reason to have met (and yet I did this with my last ex in trying to work out some things that in the end were just a result of two very different people attempting to engage in different ways and erecting barriers against certain ways of being). In every relationship something is learned hard as it might be and we are forever changed for good or for ill by it. The ex goes on living in my imagination, not occupying as much space these days. As we walk further down the road the door recedes. Really the relationship is operating on far vaster levels and planes than this but at all times I am sure it is a meeting of souls that have some work to do together. Sometimes one shuts the door as they don’t want to do that work in the same way. Leaving or being left we pass on and through that room and lingering memories remain which we shape with our thoughts personal perception about the experience which are shaped by other vast factors. Clever to speculate : was it a dream we dreamt, and what was/is their dream of us. I often wonder this with exs I have left behind and cant contact any more ❤

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    1. No one else sees us as we see ourselves, which is partly why relationships can be so nourishing yet also consuming, a dream yet also a nightmare.

      We can discover ourselves through new eyes, see things about us that we could never see on our own – this can be inspiring or depressing, often both due to how the two intertwine.

      Someone loves us – inspiring – but what they love about us doesn’t seem to be us – depressing.

      Sometimes those who love us try to change us to fit some image they have of us which doesn’t connect with our image of ourselves. Inspiring and depressing. Maybe we go along with it because we like what they see, want to be who they want us to be, or are afraid to lose their love, or some other reason. They may say that they see our potential, want to better us, to make us the best version of ourselves, but in saying that they are telling us we’re not living up to it and we may experience it as making us worse as their love becomes a burden.

      So many variables and variations, and who will accept us as we are? Do we accept ourselves as is? Do we accept others as they are?

      Sometimes a relationship takes us through dreams into nightmare to help us find our way by losing it.

      It was funny reconnecting with my old beau after so many years. The first thing I asked him was if he remembered me, and he said something along the lines of ‘yes, of course, you’re that crazy redhead!’. That was weird because my memory of myself then had me as fairly sane compared to me now, at least on the outside. And I thought – Shit, I haven’t changed a bit!

      Sometimes others see us more clearly than we see ourselves, but they don’t necessarily understand what they’re seeing, but maybe we can understand it, and understand ourselves better. Who knows, some things are just meant to be messy, if we understand everything and everyone, we’d die of boredom 😉

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I checked out your blog, and love your style of writing and self expression. I particularly fell madly in love with this line:

      I’ve always wondered why people’s voices tend to lean toward the dark. No voice ever says, ” Hey, get up and go buy a lottery ticket. I have the numbers!”

      from this post – https://lilypupslife.wordpress.com/2015/03/03/the-voices-are-back-up-cycle-tuesday/

      I should probably point out that meds or not my posts are often hard to follow as they are conversations (and arguments) which I’m having with myself. My way of thinking, writing and talking can cause headaches and dizziness. People sometimes run away from me screaming (or at least that’s how I perceive their silent and cautious backing away).

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I’ve been writing my posts on the fly, so they’re more stream of consciousness and random associations than cohesive something or other, which is how I tend to think anyway, and from the way that the people I talk with look at me, I guess it’s how I talk too (although that could be due to often ending my side of conversations mid sentence) 😉

      It’s kind of fun to not know what I’m talking about, I tend to listen more trying to figure out wtf is really going on and that’s where the interesting bits can be found.

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