Happy Thank You More Please – What Children of Narcissists are supposed to Say
First off, before I say anything else – Half of the title of this post comes from a film I saw last night which hit one of those buttons within that is a good trigger for someone who grew up with narcissistic parents.
This – Happythankyoumoreplease – is a great Indie film, whatever your story… it has a story for you.
It’s a story about people being people, whether they are grown-ups or children, or something in between – an adult in a child’s body, or a child in an adult’s body, or… just a people, whatever the age in whatever body they are, being a bit childish and a bit adultish, trying to figure themselves, their life, others and their lives, out.
We’re all trying to figure this out, sometimes we do it together, sometimes we do it alone, sometimes… it’s a bit of both… sometimes we’re the adult, sometimes we’re the child, sometimes we’re a bit of both… whatever it is, it’s always a bit of a mess.
We’re a bit of a mess, admitting it and asking others to be kind (a scene from the film). But others are a mess too, and need us to be kind too… what a mess!
Try to tidy it up, and you’ll end up feeling like certain types of parents feel, whether you’re a parent or not, about their children, whether they are children or not – perhaps they’re your significant other, you, or whatever… which can be funny – 26 Reasons Kids Are Pretty Much Just Tiny Drunk Adults. But it can also be something else…
Especially when you’re the adult child of a narcissist parent or parents. In this particular case – your children (parents) are never going to grown up, and you’ll never grow up either (you were never a child)… because they won’t allow it.
Apparently if they don’t allow it, it never happens or happened.
The second half of the title of this post is something familiar to me, not just with my parents but also with people in general, with society as a collective noun for people in general (people not in general are… different), and which I think is probably familiar to all people, not just children of narcissists… children of narcissists just tend to be more acutely aware of the divide between what you’re supposed to say, expected to say and… what you’d actually like to say, what you actually think and feel… and want to blurt out with a shout.
The former tends to be the thing you’re going to regret not doing and saying if you do and say the latter… because, as a Pin which I saw passing by on my Pinterest timeline so succinctly put it…
People prefer it when you tell them what they want to hear rather than what you want to say, unless the two things are the same.
People prefer it when you people-please them… but they don’t prefer it when they have to repay the favour and people-please you, unless repaying the favour pleases them.
Which leads me to what I’m supposed to say in this post as a blogger who has blogged about being a child of narcissists (and whose posts about that end up in the first few pages of Google results when doing those kinds of searches = getting this kind of request from strangers who are people who want pleasing) and who was contacted by people studying such things as I am and such things as my parents are as part of a survey into such things.
So, this is what I have been asked (told) to do by the surveyors…
Here’s a link you to a post on another blog – The Narcissistic Continuum – which has posted the same form letter which I was sent and was asked (told) to do exactly the same thing:
by those conducting the study in communication, Valerie Coles, Ph.D. and Dr. Jennifer Monahan of the University of Georgia’s Department of Communication Studies, which thanks ACoNs for participating in their ‘Parental Communication Measure Study‘ survey of the narcissistic parent’s style of communication so they can create a scale to help identify narcissist parents…. thanks to you sharing your experience (of something that has always been off the scales).
I realise that they are probably too busy to reply personally to each person/blogger whom they contacted and asked to propagate and promote their survey, but… considering the subject… and other aspects of the matter (professors of communication)… and the stated ‘fact’ that one of them is a ACoN…
A form letter as a form of communication… really!?! Sent to a child of narcissists… whom you asked to do you a favour and…
I wish I could not think this way, but I do… I was raised to think this way… and that, and that-a-way too.
Happythankyoumoreplease… irony, cynicism, realism, or some form of Zen about being, doing, experiencing, relating…?
The title of the film comes from an experience which one of the characters has after getting in a taxi in New York… the taxi driver decided to share a lecture of sorts about the importance of gratitude towards what life throws at us. Say thank you and ask for more please…?….!…? when all the passenger wanted to do was to get from A to B with… out a lecture… but, you know, life and its lemons and other projectiles.
It sorts itself out… sort of… later in the film.
Life sorts itself out… sort of… later in life.
I always thought of that as the moment you came into focus… like, “Oh, there you are.”