How to be a Human Bean



“For your information, I’m staying like this, and everyone else can just get used to it! If people don’t like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS!”
― Bill Watterson


Hello, Human Bean!

And welcome to life on earth!

You’re new here, freshly born, a little green, and probably wondering what the fuss is all about.

The fuss is sort of all about you and your arrival, however…

some of the fuss is just other human beans being beans. So don’t take all the screaming, shouting, crying, terror and pain, personally. This happens all the time here on Earth.

We’re glad you’re here even if we’re behaving as though your arrival is frightening and painful.

You’re going to have to get used to that, to the beans of other human beans. It will take a while, and a little bit more while, and a lot more while, and you probably won’t understand it all anyway even if you’re an old human bean like me.

First off, I’d like to apologise for making you in my image… well, not exactly… I tried and failed – that’s a normal and natural human bean thing.

Your eyes are skew-whiff, as is every other part of you except the important part – the you of you. Your beanness. You did that, not me.

But you may experience that as skew-whiff once you’ve been exposed to other human beans. That kind of exposure is unavoidable unless someone can figure out how to create a shield of avoidance that is impenetrable – we’re all working on that but we’re all afraid of actually succeeding.

So, anyway, little Human Bean… I don’t mean to belittle you by calling you that. Oh, wait, you’re too new here to know of the concept of belittlement. You’ll learn, but you don’t need to learn about that now.

Moving on…

Some things you need to know as you set off on this great adventure of which you are now a part whether you want to be or not… although at the moment, since you’re still fresh, you’ll be very enthusiastic about this experience… and I should probably shut up…

Right about now, funk soul brother…

One thing you’ll learn fairly quickly about being a human bean is that you’ll never keep quiet when you should and will tend to be silent when you shouldn’t… and regret it later, warn yourself about it, and still you’ll never quite get the formula right, especially where other human beans are concerned.

That’s okay, really, making mistakes is the fun part, it is also quite painful, but since your birth was painful, that’s par for the course for life here on the big bean (hurtling through the bean universe).

A few tips to help (and hinder) you along your way:

1. Everyone is going to give you tips to help (and hinder) you along your way.

2. You can’t avoid this even with fully deployed shields against it.

3. No one knows how to be a human bean, but all human beans think they do and when we think that we also tell ourselves it is a fact.

4. About ‘facts’… they’re also sometimes known as other things – reality, truth (I won’t try explaining this concept yet, because you haven’t been introduced to its friend – lies), logic, etc (I’ll explain those letters later)… you’ll run into these things a lot… A LOT… they may cause bruises which turn your green brown.


CoffeeBeanThis is your cousin, Coffee Bean. He looks a bit shouty, doesn’t he. He has his reasons, mostly due to losing all reason. Which, for him, is actually a good thing and he’s fun to hang out with. He always tells it as he sees it, which is refreshing, but it does make you a bit hyper. Hence why he is a bit blurry.


5. Your cousin, Coffee Bean, isn’t brown because he was bruised a lot. He was bruised a lot (especially according to him), but that’s not why he is brown. He likes to lie in the sun and soak that in until he’s nicely baked.

6. Your cousin, Coffee Bean, isn’t your only relative who is a different colour from you. We all come in a variety of hues and shades which express our bean soul. Yours is green, and may always be green, which is kind of lovely, but we’ll see… we are waiting to discover you as you discover yourself.

7. Discover yourself and choose your own way… we’ll interfere a lot and claim our way is best. Don’t listen to us, but also listen a bit as we have much to share… just remember to keep yourself an individual when we do that as we sometimes forget those sort of important things – we’ve been beans for so long we sometimes forget about being human beans.

8. Human beans often forget they are human beans.

I’d round this off to a nice even 10 but I’m an annoying bean and have to keep being that kind of human bean or else I… don’t know who I am.

Have fun, Human Bean, and thank you for being.