Welcome to the Anti-Social Social

BananaInTheBackPocket

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Have you ever wondered if you’re cursed and/or blessed with a paradox?

Do you have an ability which may be natural but seems to go against your nature?

Are you good at something which perhaps you wish you were not good at?

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“Life always gives us
exactly the teacher we need
at every moment.
This includes every mosquito,
every misfortune,
every red light,
every traffic jam,
every obnoxious supervisor (or employee),
every illness, every loss,
every moment of joy or depression,
every addiction,
every piece of garbage,
every breath.

Every moment is the guru.”
― Charlotte Joko Beck

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According to people… I’m good with people.

According to me… I’m not good with people. I’m good when people aren’t around.

So, for me, being good with people is a talent I’d rather trade in for something else, but apparently this isn’t an option. Or at least I haven’t yet figured out how to make it an option.

Bargaining… it’s one of those things… those stages you go through when you’re not accepting life, and your life, as it is. You’re not accepting yourself as is.

Being good with people serves no purpose for me. It doesn’t get me special treatment or useful gifts and favours. What it does is make people seek me out when they need special treatment, useful gifts and favours.

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“We have a fictional “I” that we try to love and protect. We spend most of our life playing this futile game. “What will happen? How will it go? Will I get something out of it?” I, I, I—it’s a mind game of illusion, and we are lost in it.”
― Charlotte Joko Beck

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This happens with strangers as much as those I know socially.

If someone needs an ego boost, a shot of self-esteem, inspiration, a muse to kick their creativity into go, an explainer of puzzles, a rational voice during an irrational spell, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, an eye to witness, a singular support system, a free and unofficial therapist, a friend in need, a person to rant at who won’t take it personally, a safe place to let it all out… then I’m suddenly on their radar and they home in on me.

As soon as they get what they want from me… they’re gone… until the next time.

But if I need any of that… better luck elsewhere.

I only exist when people need me to exist for them, when they don’t need me, I don’t exist.

Much of this is my fault, and I really can’t blame anyone else. Or can I? What’s the point of doing that!

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“…we’re constantly waking up to what we’re about, what we’re really doing in our lives. And the fact is, that’s painful. But there’s no possibility of freedom without this pain.”
― Charlotte Joko Beck

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The photo with this post is one I took the other day. I’m not sure if the cyclist is giving the peace sign, the V for victory sign (pretending he’s crossed some cycling trophy finish line), or telling me to eff off – as he saw me spin around to take this pic and knew he was my subject. I didn’t want to take it head on because there were cars behind him and I wanted to capture a lone cyclist.

Perhaps because I see myself as a lone cyclist. We tend to capture what we see… what we see is influenced by more than just they eyes.

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“At any given moment, we are the way we are, and we see what we’re able to see.”
― Charlotte Joko Beck

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I tend to blank myself out when people are around, when dealing with people. I go to sleep and let them dream, let their dreams take over. I get out of their way, and so the party is for them. They need this, I don’t.

I don’t need you to blank yourself out for me, don’t need you to deal with me, don’t need you to go to sleep and let me dream, or let my dreams take over. I don’t need you to get out of my way, and don’t need the party to be mine.

I’m okay as I am even when I’m not okay with that. Effing paradoxes!

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“I struggle with my life because instead of just doing what needs to be done, I fight the underlying fear; I try to unlock the door. Paradoxically, the only way to unlock the door is to forget the door.
Instead of obsessing about the locked door, we need to be going about our lives, which means cleaning up the house, taking care of the baby, going to work, whatever.”
― Charlotte Joko Beck

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This week I thought I’d share some of ‘my bad’ with you… see what happens. Maybe you can relate. Or not. Maybe it may help you to relate to those people in your life who, like me, are anti-social… not because of you but because of them. But perhaps also because of you, but it’s not your fault.

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“Who knows how you should be? We simply do our best, over and over and over.”
― Charlotte Joko Beck

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Welcome to the anti-social social!

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