I Should Be Doing Something Else… but I’m a Fool!

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“We will never know who we are and what we want if we just stay in our old ruts. This is why we must wander a bit to grow.”
― Carol S. Pearson

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Ever have one of those moments when you are face to face with who you actually are and you don’t recognise that face as yours?

No, me neither.

I know that face too well to pretend convincingly that I don’t know it’s me, even when I wish it wasn’t my face in my face.

But I still try to act all – Is that me… no, no, that’s not me… I’ve mistaken me for someone else!

Okay, I’m sort of lying… I have had moments of not recognising myself. Of not knowing myself, my reflection either in a mirror or elsewhere and thinking it was someone else. Of being so utterly not myself as I am used to me being that I’m fairly certain that’s not me, but it is.

Usually that happens when I’ve done something clever – practical clever.

That’s unusual for me.

I excel in the impractical, the abstract, the completely useless. Chaos and confusion is my home.

What people call ‘rubbish’ and ‘nonsense’, that’s my treasure and I know how to work with it to make sense of it.

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“Maturity comes with that curious mixture of taking responsibility for our prior choices while being as imaginative as possible in finding ways to continue our journeys.”
― Carol S. Pearson

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I tend to see myself as an idiot, a fool, a jester, a gypsy, a wanderer, a vagabond of life who occasionally has moments of brilliance amongst foolish shenanigans.

Oh, the times I’ve said – Don’t do that… only to watch myself do it shortly afterwards because… just because!

Just because the temptation and urge to be myself trumps all those other selves I could be if I just had the patience and discipline to fake it.

My bad…

If I could just be who people want me to be for them – Want me to be a villain, you got it! Want me to be a hero, you got it! Want me to throw myself into a volcano to save your purdy ass, you got it! Swoop in on my unicorn and whisk you off to high-pedestal-land and worship you, you got it! Cure your every ailment with a home-brewed placebo, you got it! If you got it, I got it, and… um… got it?

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“No life, no matter how successful and exciting it might be, will make you happy if it is not really your life. And no life will make you miserable if it is genuinely your own.”
― Carol S. Pearson

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If I could just tell people what they want to hear… that’s fairly easy because people tell you exactly what they want you to tell them, they cue you up the wazoo, but you do have do be listening to them, their cues for you, and not yourself.

You could just wing it… as what most people want is a 3 minute quick fix magical cure-all for all their ills…

You’re beautiful, rich, marvelous, perfect, famous, happy… bam bam… now!

… and the ills which they think you and others have which annoy them and make them ache and stuff!

Someone not being who you need them to be for you… alakazam… my magic wand has sorted it out for you (I’ll deal with the mess it has caused for others later… although that might mess things up for you, but… I’ll fix that later later…).

Oh, you didn’t want them to be who you needed them to be for you because… this is causing a schism for you in your self perception. You wanted to love them unconditionally, to be a hero of unconditional  love, and told yourself that you loved them as they are, so changing them to suit you has kind of screwed that and your self perception up? No problem… abracadabra… everything back to normal…

Oh… you don’t like that kind of normal, you want a special kind… hang on a minute… pfft, pfft, my wand has run out of juice… and people don’t have the patience for that kind of thing!

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“Of course, life does not always follow our scripts. We get feedback from what really happens; this sharpens our reality principle so that we can think things through more intelligently the next time. The point is, we live out some options and we imagine our way through others. In either case, we learn what we want, what we believe in, what our values are.”
― Carol S. Pearson

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Thank goodness I’m not a Mage. The archetype is very alluring, but it comes with magick problems! And the last couple of video games did not like mages at all for all the trouble they caused with their magick (remember to add the ‘k’ or Mages will get pissed at you for equating what they to to the charlatanism of conjurors).

If I would just sell people their strawberry dreams, and ride their magic rainbow… then I’d get my deep fried banana with whipped cream on top!

But…

I’m a fool… even though I thought I was something else… that’s the sort of thing a fool would think!

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 “We first develop the Ego, then encounter the Soul, and finally give birth to a unique sense of Self.”
― Carol S. Pearson

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Okay…

Let’s get away from my babble to the meat of things.

I was wandering and, as so often happens when I wanderweg, I came across this:

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Which made me time travel a bit, and then, via twists and turns, led me to this:

Free Pearson Archetype Test

Which gave way to this result:

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Which is close enough.

And works for me.

It’s not the Archetype I’d have chosen for myself, but it fits like clothes on a body and is sometimes what I wear.

My non-test-result choice was based on the fears of the Archetypes – using the wiki page of the Pearson-Marr Archetype Indicator (PMAI) – as that’s where I go when I want to know the real deal (fears and wiki – although wiki is less reliable).

The fears of the Jester don’t bother me as much as those of another one of the Archetypes. But the two go well together, and, frankly, when in public, I opt to play the fool.

Perhaps I should be doing something else… but I’m a fool!

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