Who am I… she asked

Touching the Void.

“I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn’t have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn’t make for an interesting person. I didn’t want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone.”
― Charles Bukowski

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Do you ever catch glimpses of yourself… of you before you think about yourself, before you assess what you are seeing, and start feeling those old familiar sensations which go with your usual thoughts about who you are, who you have been, who you have become, who you may be becoming, who you wish you could be?

A moment of just seeing without anything else attached…

Before you do what you always do when you get those old familiar sensations which cause the actions and reactions that create consequences… as you try to flee or fight… reject, refuse… pass the buck… the burden… the wound on…

They’re hard to come by in a world that is so busy… labeling us. We’re a part of that world, we label ourselves, and others too…

Leader, follower, abuser, victim, hero, villain, friend, foe, lover, hater, beautiful, ugly, famous, infamous, right, wrong, my side, other side, and so on… I wish we’d all hold ourselves accountable for what we’re doing… to others, and to ourselves through others, through ourselves, the labels we stick on them, on ourselves, and… but… then I’d have to do that too.

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“Of all the things a man may do, sleep probably contributes most to keeping him sane. It puts brackets about each day. If you do something foolish or painful today, you get irritated if somebody mentions it, today. If it happened yesterday, though, you can nod or chuckle, as the case may be. You’ve crossed through nothingness or dream to another island in Time.”
― Roger Zelazny

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Do you ever catch a glimpse of someone else… of them before you think about them, before you assess what you are seeing of them, and start feeling those sensations which go with your thoughts about them, who they are to you, who you need them to be, who you wish they were not, and who they could be if they would just allow you to control them as you would never allow them to control you?

Do you wish you were them… and perhaps wish that they were you? Because if you were them, you’d be them better than they are themselves… and if they were you, they’d be you better than you are yourself? Or because then they’d know what you were going through, what you have been through, why you are the way that you are… but are you willing to know what they are going through, what they have been through, why they are the way that they are?

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“He was free, free in every way, free to behave like a fool or a machine, free to accept, free to refuse, free to equivocate; to marry, to give up the game, to drag this death weight about with him for years to come. He could do what he liked, no one had the right to advise him, there would be for him no Good or Evil unless he thought them into being.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre

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 Lately I’ve been visited by flashbacks in visual form of myself as a child, as though my mind is flipping through an old photo album.

I don’t actually have an old photo album, no pictures of myself before… perhaps it is better this way, that’s sort of what I thought when I got rid of such things years ago. I did not want photographs of myself haunting me, who I was there and then stopping me from being in the here and now.

That was the dubiously noble reason for ridding myself of that kind of stuff, the less noble reason was… I was always being compared to her – the one I had been, who was never who I actually had been, she was just easier to control because she wasn’t real, she was a figment of whoever’s imagination, but she could be used to control the one who was real.

She was prettier, smarter, nicer, better… if only I could be her – that was the gist of why I was being compared to her, or at least that was the message I received from the comparisons.

But… she wasn’t any of those things. I knew that. I had been her. She was, in reality, someone who spent a lot of her time staring out of windows, thinking, puzzling, dreaming, fantasising… about being someone else, anyone but who she was. Mostly because who she was always seemed to be wrong to those… who would later use her to tell her older versions how wrong they were too.

The mirror was the only window through which that one so long ago did not use to escape where she was, who she was… it was the window into just being. The reflection was a friend, with eyes which looked and saw her as she was, along the path of finding…

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 “I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.”
― Hermann Hesse

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 These flashbacks are due to poking an old wound. This wound needs poking, otherwise I would leave it be… otherwise it would leave me be and stop poking me. At least that’s what I tell myself.

I’m struggling again, like I used to, as I always do. Some habits only die when you do, I suppose (I haven’t tried that theory out yet). I did stop struggling for a while, it was a rather nice reprieve. A bit barren. But new territory to explore. Except it didn’t have monsters and demons to fight, and became rather boring. But I kind of liked that sort of boredom. At least I thought I did…

Putting my weapons down, removing my armor… what blissful vulnerability, and utterly confusing. A different kind of confusion, and vulnerability from those which made me take up sword and shield in the first place.

I keep seeing the echoes of the monsters and demons which I used to fight in the eyes of others…

We all do that to a degree. Most of our fights with others, are really just fights with ourselves… it’s easier to fight ourselves when we’re possessing someone else through a projection, a transference.

However to befriend those monsters and demons, turn them into allies rather than foes… you have to own them. Wrestle with yourself, and end such a tussle with a kiss… the kind of kiss which awakens.

But who wants to kiss such ugly things.

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“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.”
― Carlos Castaneda

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Everything is both a blessing and a curse, and that includes being a warrior – who is an ordinary hu-man. The greatest challenge for those who see themselves as warriors is to find the ordinary man within, underneath all the gear, and the bluff and bluster of the fight – the ordinary man is ugliest being that needs a kiss.

Perhaps that explains the challenge of the narcissist in all of our lives. Whether we are the narcissist or the one who is in a relationship with a narcissist, past or present, or even future.

The narcissist’s blessing offers the gift of specialness. Of being no ordinary hu-man. But with this blessing comes a curse – to forever flee or fight the ordinary.

While you live in the land of the narcissist, you must be a warrior, fighting, always fighting. Be it as the narcissist, by the side of the narcissist, or even against the narcissist. Just because you’re no longer on the side of the narcissist doesn’t mean you’re not still stuck in their fabled land.

Those who fight narcissists… need the narcissists and their land, perhaps more so than they needed them when they were on the same side. Without our monsters and demons, who are we… yet with them, we are warriors, fighting the good fight, knights in shining armor, off on our quest to fight dragons.

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“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

but,

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

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Sometimes we become what we have fought so hard… not to become… because we identify with it and it becomes our identity, an intrinsic part of who we are, of who we think and feel that we are. Maybe that’s the only way to own it, to understand it, to develop the empathy needed to stop fighting and start being.

The way out is… to accept the unacceptable.

 You kissed the frog and found a prince, now kiss the prince and find the frog. Follow your quest full circle… until frog and prince are the same, and more than that, they are you, not someone else, although they are sometimes someone else too, and so are you.

Perhaps that’s who we are.

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The unorphaned children's book heroine - tom gauldby Tom Gauld

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19 thoughts on “Who am I… she asked

    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      Funny you should mention astrology as this post was prompted by my coming across a simplified chart of the question each house asks. Who am I? is the question of the 1st house.

      I’m a Capricorn sun (uh oh 😉 )

      Liked by 1 person

            1. Wow! That’s a deep and intense 1st house – when it also involves the 2nd then identity (1st) must blend with personal values (2nd). North node in 1st makes it imperative that you embrace who you are – and it won’t be easy (south node is what’s easy/north node what is a challenge that must be met), but it will be worth it (especially with a 2nd house Pluto – you personal values may go through many changes, deaths and rebirths).

              Mercury in 12th… your mind must travel into the mysterious, hidden and collective consciousness.

              Sounds like you have a very intriguing chart… Libra on the Asc… seeking beauty, with a stellium in Scorpio – that beauty needs to be deep and meaningful!

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Thank you very much ! ❤ ❤ your interpretation is excellent! Btw, in my natal chart the strongest seems my mars in leo in 10th house , which squares my sun and jupiter and is oppisition of my aquarius moon in 4 th house))

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                    1. Sometimes we have to go through a tough time to learn how to work with who we are, so wasting our energy is never really a waste of energy if we learn from it and do something with what we’ve learned.

                      Astrologically, the past few years have been very tough for everyone, but we’re coming out of it gradually now, and the suffering and lessons of the past will bear fruit soon. Trust your process, and yourself!

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  1. Sorry to hear about the flashbacks. But if they are the result of a poking place that needs to be poked… Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, even if you know it’s going to hurt. There have been times when I’ve been really proud of getting through poking place stuff and then have realized that that wasn’t the point and therefore that the poking place stuff hadn’t really been poked…

    Am I a narcissist-fighting person? I don’t know. I think that I am becoming more introspective about the effect they have had or are having, and for the most part, I don’t experience much anger now. More and more, I feel that most of my experiences have been for the best, even the really really bad ones.

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      The flashbacks are kind of cool, they’re just little glimpses of moments ago, the distance gives me perspective on them, and I’m seeing certain things a bit more clearly. Quite intriguing.

      The wound I’m poking needs to be poked to progress, or something like that. I tend to hide things from myself in a certain way, and the poking gets what is hidden out into the open so I can see things a bit better. It’s not self-torture at this point, it’s just trying to figure out what is actually what.

      Imo, you’re not a narcissist-fighter of the kind who gets stuck doing that, you’re more of a seeker of understanding which sometimes requires a bit of dueling with those of a narcissist bent and the puzzles they bring into your life.

      I think a portion of fighting and of anger is necessary, especially if that side of us is dormant or prone to sitting things out – sometimes you can’t sit it out or wait for things to sort themselves out, you need to get into the fray and get a tad mucky.

      What we do afterwards with what has transpired is where the real fight begins – learning is a tussle. 😉

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  2. Is that your hand? It’s beautiful. 🙂 I am drawn to pictures of hands.

    I do try to catch myself. When I was in counselling after the narcissist, I learned about mindfulness (which is now becoming a fad, fad, fad, unfortunately) and I try to apply it as often as I can. Sometimes, my own narcissism or selfishness or irritation or impatience will fly past me, though, and I will only realize it later. That’s when I see me as me, and sometimes in the reverse, too, when my behaviours or reactions have been unmindfully positive. Back later. 🙂

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      Yes, that’s my hand. Usually my hands tend to look more masculine in shots, and battered by doing stuff with them, the poor things have so many battle scars, but I think the angle and the filters I used softened them up. TY for the beautiful!

      Mindfulness sounds a bit like a blend of what Eugene Gendlin did with his ‘Focusing’ technique, and the whole Be Here Now fad which was popular a while back when Buddhism was New Aged and Self-Helped.

      It’s quite a good fad, all things considered. Depends on what people do with it. At least you learned it before it became trendy, that way you got the meat of it rather than the scraps – fads tend to make the most of scraps and often leave the meat behind. But they can still be tasty!

      I think that when we’re at our most human, we see more deeply… if we’re being mindful 😉

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