How Can I Be Transformed… She Asked



“I am going to seek a great perhaps; draw the curtain, the farce is played out.”
― François Rabelais


How can I be transformed…

Say what!?!

Just when I thought it was alright to be as is… you pull me back in and want me to change, transform… like a transformer?

Am I missing something here?

Don’t answer that… it’ll get you into heaps o’ trouble!

Of course I’m missing something, I’m always missing bits and pieces because I’m chipped, broken, damaged, flawed… due to being weathered and whethered.

I’m human…

Time takes its toll, as does living life… but isn’t that what it’s supposed to do?


“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.”
― Charles Bukowski


We’re not meant to be perfect, even if we think we are and try to be… according to some ever moving goal post for perfection. Just when you think you’re okay, you’re not okay because of this, that, or the other thing.


Leeloo - 5th element filmThe Fifth Element (1997)


Don’t worry, your mess can be fixed in [insert number here] easy fix-it steps thanks to some person who has figured this out, and made it simple for simpletons due to having done it (maybe or maybe they’re selling snake oil) the hard way and they’ve made it easy for you, but it was very difficult for them so pay up and through the nose (the nose which needs fixing by experts… and while you’re doing that, fix those wonky teeth too).


“Things were rough all over, but it was better that way. That way you could tell the other guy was human too.”
― S.E. Hinton


Transformation… hmmmm… what is it?

What does it mean to you?


“In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”
― George Orwell


If I ask the internet, it means lots of things to the internet which are mostly cosmetic.

Some of it about home decoration and crafting and stuff.

Most of it though seems to be about physical decoration and crafting and stuff.

Pictures of women (and some men) with beautifully vibrant natural faces turning those faces using tonnes of make-up into dolls. Fun, rather stunning, but a bit scary. Why must they always have dead eyes in the final picture? Maybe that was just that series of shots… although applying that much make up requires the kind of time and patience which would definitely make me die a little bit inside and it would show in my eyes.

Or pictures of women and men going from ‘fat’ to ‘skinny’ due to some starvation diet plus exercise – have you seen these types of pics, impressive! Impressive in their ability to highlight a problem with forced transformation which we may see but not see due to being so caught up in the aesthetic of it. The before and after shots – in the before the person’s personality shone because they knew this was their strength and beauty, but in the after shots it was all about the body and the personality could take a hike, it was no longer needed. And it showed.

Am I being a bitch?


“None of us really changes over time. We only become more fully what we are.”
― Anne Rice



I’ve tried transforming the bitch into not a bitch… she protesteth too much and resisteth all attempts to turn her into something else, something more socially acceptable (in circles outside of the bitchin’ realms).


“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ”
― Coco Chanel



Maybe because she’s Lilith. The dark side of the feminine. The one who refuses to be tamed. The outcast from the garden of Eden who is shunned and forgotten. Yet… is there anyway whether we acknowledge her or not.


lilith_by_isra2007 Lilith by Isra2007


She’s on the edge. That edge which reminds us of uncomfortable realities when we escape into illusion, delusion and fantasy.

She has a part in the transformation of the self (for males and females, in different ways…).


“She is the harbinger of nightmares as well as death, destruction, and insanity. Said to reign in an alternate dimension, a bleak and desertlike twilight version of reality, Lilith has long been hailed as the queen of mental darkness.”
― Kelly Creagh


In the natural flow of transformation, it’s more about coming to terms with what is ‘ugly’ and seeing the ‘beauty’ in it, rather than about forcefully turning the ‘ugly’ into some kind of cosmetic ‘beautiful’.

But I’m biased towards what is ugly in me, and the beauty I see therein, there is a pleasure in doing that which supercedes what is supposedly beautiful… what is beautiful has always been a source of pain.

Like teeth…

“What have you done to your beautiful teeth, your smile!?!”

Words uttered in horror, bringing shame and terror to one who needed comfort and acceptance after a traumatic incident, but found none… because others have very little to give, so much to lose, and so they take even when you are broken… your smile is broken.



But that broken smile liberates…

… from the cosmetic.

Go deeper… where it is not about how smiles look, but what inspires them.

An inner smile is worth more than the outer one…

… and the outer one may not be a smile at all, but an echo of something wishing to bite, tear into flesh, and perhaps eat what it has smiled at in a way which won’t please any other than the one who smiled because they tasted the promise of nourishing things.

Or something like that.

Happy transformation!


the fifth element