“In battle or business, whatever the game,
In law or in love, it is ever the same;
In the struggle for power, or the scramble for pelf,
Let this be your motto – Rely on yourself!
For, whether the prize be a ribbon or throne,
The victor is he who can go it alone!”
– John Godfrey Saxe
Rely on yourself… hmmm… as tempting as that sounds, and as much as the quote above is one of my favourites… it’s nigh on impossible to go it alone.
We’re always relying on others even when we think we aren’t. Think about it. There are a lot of people who are a part of your life, who do things which you rely on them doing, without whom you wouldn’t be able to do what you do… which someone else may rely on you for doing.
Maybe they’re invisible to you… but they’re there, being reliable, doing things which allow you to think you’re going solo in this world. Just as you may be invisible to others who rely on you, but you’re there, doing stuff they rely on you for doing so they can pretend they’re doing it solo.
“At learning’s fountain it is sweet to drink,
But ’tis a nobler privilege to think.”
― John Godfrey Saxe
So, what are the possessions of our relationships?
It’s a weird question, slightly disturbing and perturbing perhaps… yet it is an intrinsic part of relationships. Both near and dear, up close and personal… and elsewhere and otherwise.
The first thought which sprung to mind when contemplating this question was those mementos which can’t be stolen, lost, sold (unless you peddle this kind of thing), bought (unless you buy into this kind of thing), borrowed (unless you’re prone to ‘borrowing’ and passing what is borrowed off as your own), or forgotten (even when we try very hard to do so) – Our scars, wounds, pains, hurts. Broken hearts, battered souls, damaged psyches, fractured minds, bleeding emotions.
“The marks humans leave are too often scars.”
― John Green
Have you ever noticed a cut, scratch, or a bruise on your body and wondered – When and how did I get this?
You just don’t remember hurting yourself, and it puzzles you, but you haven’t got time for this puzzle… yet if someone else had done this to you, then you’d remember the when and how!
We’re always more aware of what others do to us than of what we do to ourselves. The wounds inflicted on us by others sometimes possess us with an obsession which borders on disorder.
But the wounds which we inflict on ourselves… sometimes using others, and the wounds they’ve caused us… cutting ourselves over and over… we don’t see it as us hurting ourselves, we see it as them still hurting us… it’s all their fault! If they hadn’t hurt us we wouldn’t have a scab to pick and keep freshly bleeding and bruising.
Some of our wounds, pains, scars… become hallowed treasures. It’s true that they are a vein of gold worth mining, but… it all depends on how we mine such type of gold.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien
Our wound can become like the one ring to rule them all… and in the darkness it bind them.
Them… all those who didn’t care when we needed them to care, if they had only cared when we needed them to… then perhaps we would not have this wound, this possession of our relationships… but since they didn’t care, and since we have this wound, the wound they caused and which we keep alive and bleeding… now we’ll make them pay!
We’re included in that, we pay too when we make others pay… but we often fail to see how much a part of them we are, how much cutting them is self-cutting, because we rarely see ourselves as a them.
Them is always someone else… and so we get caught up in our own web.
That’s what happens to narcissists… they’re as much a victim of their disorder as we can be. Perhaps they are more of a victim of their machinations than we are, because they can’t get away from what they do, are, and pursue.
They’re Gollum… once a human, who came upon the one ring, and… this ring became ‘my precious’…
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien
There is a particular type of narcissist… who has adapted as narcissists do to what is trending, popular, what people care about now… seeking power and dominion, control and sway… who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
It’s a modern kind that can be hard to suss out and recognise because as always they are disguised as us, and not them… They are the victims of narcissists, just like us… only they’re not just like us (but it takes us a while to realise that, as we are blinded by our own wound, thus we don’t see their wound and what it actually is… and how it relates to ours, how it is using and feeding on ours).
The narcissist as a victim of narcissists points their finger at THEM! and we look at where the finger is pointing, because that’s our finger pointing there too… but what about the other fingers?
Ah, but the one finger pointing wears the one ring…
That one ring which gives us a taste of personal power, which promises all sorts of delicious things – validation, acknowledgement… avenging angels of righteousness… to give us rule over all the things and people which have always made us feel so powerless.
It is sweet nectar, this personal power, prone to intoxicating us as no other substance can do.
Finally we will be heard, seen, and… with this we become suddenly important, a someone, to have and to hold, not to discard and let go… not like that, not in that way!
“…and you will see how important I am.”
― Sylvia Plath
When the wound becomes the one ring, the most important thing about us, the possession we treasure which was given to us by others, through a relationship…
Can we ever allow such a thing to be healed… if in healing… it takes everything away… why would we ever allow such a thing, a ring, a power over others, to be healed and then through healing be lost.
Why would we want to lose what means so much… the attention, the power, the importance, of being in pain and never not being in pain, it connects us and uplifts us while burying us… and the ability to feel…
The ability to feel… so much lies within this, so much pain and yet, so much pleasure…
… I’ll ramble on about the meaning of feeling in my next post in this series.
“See me, feel me, touch me, heal me…”