Andy White – Narcissism and The Fruit of Suffering
“The pain, the despair, the craziness of self-destructive behaviour is as loud a statement as it is possible to make that our soul is in exile and under attack.”
– Andy White
Isn’t it typical. The moment you want something, it plays hard to get. However if you don’t want it, it’s there for the taking, offering itself up. Tempting, tempting… try to grab it, suddenly it slips through your fingers and laughs at you, while telling you to chase after it!
I finally got a chance to go outside and sit in the sunshine which had been flirting with me while I was inside, trying to lure me out. Come out and play, stop being so workaholic about life. Making my eyes blind with lust for it.
But the moment I settled down to enjoy its warmth, it disappeared behind a storm cloud.
So I went back inside.
And out it popped again, teasing me for giving up so easily in its pursuit.
I went out again. Cloud. Went in. Sun. I wasted about an hour playing this game. The game of seasons changing within moments, of sultry warmth turning to damp cold. Summer one minute, Winter the next.
As far as wasting time playing games goes, this was relatively short and not too painful, but it was still frustrating.
“We spend much of our time feeling the effects of our folly, trying to ‘work out’ our problems, or figuring ways to be rid of the psychological demons that plague us. We rarely stop to think what the need for the neurosis might be, or what purpose these quirks of the psyche might serve.”
– Andy White
I cursed the sun, the clouds, myself, and also my cat, who had been let out to enjoy the sun too, but who decided to also play hide and seek with me. Which wouldn’t be a problem if the garden wasn’t next to a busy road down which cars like to hurtle, and the cat is always drawn to the part of the garden near to the road because it’s dark and woody and mice and other small things hide and play there. So even when I was out and so was the sun, I was in the dark woods searching for the cat, afraid of fears coming true.
I came to the conclusion that today was one of those days when the universe plays pranks on you and your plans, and whittles away your humour until all you’re doing is screaming curses at everything and everyone.
I’m not really that bad, but sometimes I am. Although I usually only scream silently, inside my head. The curses remain within, cursing the inner while protecting the outer from their effects.
“Gordius holds the child at arm’s length out of the concern that his hollow core will become visible and undermine his shaky authority. He wants his depression redeemed but he’s afraid to be found out, so he remains aloof…”
– Andy White
Then, on one of my inside trips due to cloud, I checked my emails.
I hate doing this at the moment because I’m at the slow and agonising end of a slow and agonising legal process involving narcissists. One dead and one who… I sometimes wish would hurry up and die (and hate myself for wishing that). Thanks to to my mother, my father’s death has been turned into a convoluted opera in never ending acts, starring her, as Tosca, of course! The kiss of Tosca sucks you dry like a vampire whose hunger is never sated.
I’m almost at the finish line… and that’s always the hardest part since I never know if I’m going to make it. I have great stamina for the middle bits, the end tends to trip me up. Will exhaustion get me or will I just manage to drag myself to the end.
“Either way the child destroys itself… The threat of parental collapse on the one hand and the prospect of her envious attack on the other would be too much for him to bear.”
– Andy White
However, all the news was fairly good, compared to previous bad news, and got better when I found an email from Andy White letting me know that he had just created a blog.
If you don’t know who Andy White is, let me introduce him.
He’s the author of Going Mad to Stay Sane.
A book about which I could wax lyrical until I tie you up in Gordian knots of admiration. I happened upon this book years ago, and really wasn’t sure about buying it… but I did, because I’m the sort of person who buys books instead of food, to whom books are more nourishing than a meal, and it… was a life saver at very difficult time. It helped explain my life to me in so many ways.
I recommended this book in a post way back when – Narcissism is the Game, and You’re It – when I wrote it and posted it, I didn’t think about anyone reading it, or taking my recommendation to the point of wanting to get a hold of a book which as I now know is elusive… until now, as it has just been reprinted and you can find it and buy here – Going Mad to Stay Sane.
Many have read this post and have pointed out that on Amazon the book is valued at an exorbitant price.
So many people pointed this out to me (as though the price of the book and its unavailability was somehow my fault – mea culpa) that I eventually felt compelled to contact Andy White.
“Chaos is the beginning of wisdom. It points unarguably to the inadequacy of our world constructs and the failure of our belief system to really support us. WHen we despair in this chaos we are forced to acknowledge the limitations of the way we have things set up for ourselves”
– Andy White
If you know me… you know how hard doing something like that is for me. I’m not just shy, not just an introvert, I’m a hermit. But when I come out of my shell, I can seem like a full on extrovert, and sometimes scare the crap out of people. That’s how I roll, one minute I’m hiding behind a cloud, next I’m blinding you with my shine!
Haha… but not so haha!
The results of this have been intriguing. This hermit drew another hermit out of their shell to share their shine. I can’t take credit for this, but I can try… I was brought up by narcissists, it’s hard not to follow in footsteps.
Anyway… before I lose the plot… check out Andy White for yourself on his blog – Andy White – Narcissism and The Fruits of Suffering.
He has not only reprinted Going Mad to Stay Sane, but is also coming out with a new book, which he generously shared with me. It is epic!
And now he’s blogging!
Welcome him to the blogosphere, check out his blog and posts!
May the seasons change in your favour!
“The experience of suffering throughout life can be so consistent, that it becomes identified with one’s very being. Suffering becomes a way of knowing oneself and to be deprived of this suffering then constitutes a source of acute anxiety.”
– Andy White
ps. I also wrote about this book and it’s meaning for me in this post – The Absent Father and The Devouring Mother.
Thank you, Andy!