Catch me on a bad day, when everything seems to be going belly up, when every minor irritation flares into a major inflammation, when I’m throwing myself a pity party and no one is invited because they’d be a killjoy to my misery, and you’ll find me tearing myself a new one for some fuckuppery I did or said.
Hindsight is a bitch of anal retentive perfectionistic proportions.
Foresight on the other hand is a rainbow chasing, unicorn riding, caped crusading dufus.
Catch me on a good day, when I’m wearing my psychedelic glasses, throwing the peace sign at everyone, sliding over details as though they were droplets on a water ride, cruising my way through a gauntlet run hopped up on the natural high of happy making endorphins, and you’ll find me laughing at death and the funny jokes it tells.
Mostly I’m somewhere in between those extremes, trying to be sensible, logical, cautious… but not paranoid about it which turns me into a jibbering, jabbering wreck. Attempting to pretend that I know what I’m doing, because sometimes I do which can be a lovely surprise, fessing up when I don’t hoping someone who does will give me a hand… but not literally because that would be perplexing.
I always worry a bit that people will take what I say a bit too far. That when I ask someone to give me a hand, they’ll chop one off and hand it to me… I grew up with narcissists, things can get very bizarre in that kind of version of reality.
Not that a narcissist would chop their hand off… but you never know, they’ve been known to go to extremes to win some twisted game which is stuck on repeat in their brain. The sound of a broken record can drive you insane – the mind of a narcissist has that as a soundtrack. It’s a dissonant discord which leaks out of them into their interactions with others.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, be it as their child, their lover, their friend, their work colleague, their employee, and so on… you’ve heard the sound of their crazy music.
It might have sounded good at first, but then… then the then happened…
As with most songs which we love, capture our ear, the sound soothing, hitting a spot for us which is oh so good… if we listen to it over and over and over again… sometimes it begins to get on our nerves, sometimes we hear things which were hidden underneath a pleasing tune, a pleasant lyric… and sometimes we get so satiated that we just can’t stand to hear it anymore.
What once gave us pleasure, now only brings us pain.
Their beautiful facade melted your heart… how charming, disarming, ideal, wonderful, special… then that gorgeous virtual visage melted, and so did your mind along with it.
Do you toss and turn at night, by day, wondering how you could fall for such a person wearing such a disguise… one which now seems obvious with hindsight… and yet… sometimes still fools you, and that hurts, deeper than before, deeper down…
One of the biggest challenges faced by those who have been in love, in the thrall, in friendship, and otherwise with a narcissist… isn’t about them, the narcissist, but about you.
They have an uncanny ability to bring out the worst in you… and if you are someone who has never faced your own darkness, this can be intensely traumatic… the kind of trauma which is so subtle that it sometimes goes unseen.
It haunts your footsteps like a shadow… making you doubt yourself, your smile, your eyes, your ears, your sense of perspective…
If you can’t trust yourself… who can you trust?
This week, maybe longer, over the next few posts… I thought I’d share some of the life lessons I’ve learned which narcissists have taught me.
I’m aiming to blend negative and positive into a whole made of halves intertwining. Not sure what will actually happen…
My foresight is a dufus… or at least that’s what my hindsight, who is a bitch, calls my foresight.
If you would like to participate in any way, shape or form, please feel free to do so…
I’m usually only rude to myself… so try not to worry that I’ll call you a dufus or a bitch… those are my terms of endearment for myself, my favourite is ‘idiot’.
Want to share a story, a poem, an image, a post, a quote, a question, an answer, an idea… just use the comments section on this post.
One of the life lessons which narcissists have taught me is – other people matter.
Seems obvious, doesn’t it? But many things which are obvious… take time to learn because what is in front of our eyes is at times the last thing we see.
What if this quote above was about your relationship with yourself ?