The Narcissist – Up Close and Personal

When I first started blogging…

on a blog which is now defunct…

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CryingIcicles by MoonVooDooI used this as an avatar

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I didn’t set out to write about narcissists at all. It didn’t even cross my mind. It didn’t even occur to me to write about my parents, my childhood, my issues, my life, my experiences… in fact that was the last thing I considered doing.

And at first I didn’t do any of what I do now. That blog lived and died to give birth to this one… that’s a weird thing to say, I say weird things…

I’m not the only one… who says and does weird shit…

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jaws backwards

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My introduction to participating in Social Media was a gift, a silly X-mas present given to me by my partner. He created Facebook and Twitter accounts for me, then handed them over to me. I was horrified, yet it was kind of sweet of him. It was a challenge of sorts, it was also an invitation to join him in something he enjoyed, and thought I might also enjoy… once I stopped pretending it was anathema to me.

I thought he’d completely lost his mind, he knew I was painfully shy, a committed Introvert, a hermit through and through, and that my preferred way of internetting was as a lurker (one who hates cookies and other things that track your online activities – I’m not doing anything dodgy that I know of, I just hate being, feeling, watched – spend enough time with a narcissist and you too will hate being and feeling watched that closely, even if when they first began doing it it made you feel important, special, worth observing).

Some time later, after I got over myself… he ended up thinking that I’d completely lost my mind, and a small fraction of him regretted giving me that silly gift because it ended up consuming me for a while.

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christopher poindexter

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I’m one of those people who could be labeled an extremist if that didn’t have sinister connotations. I’m not particularly devoted to the extremes I visit – I am only visiting to check things out for myself. I never trust anything anyone tells me… well, I do.. but I don’t. Let’s just say, I accept that they think they’re telling the truth, I appreciate their experiences shared, but… I just need to check things out for myself, have my own up close and personal experience.

Don’t put your fingers in the electricity socket, you say while your hair is on end and still burning, curls of smoke making pretty designs… hmmm… why?… I hadn’t thought of doing that, but now you’ve mentioned it… let me see…

Pzzzzzt!!!!!

Okay… now I get what you’re saying… doh!

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good judgment:bad judgment

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If you like what I do on my blog… you can thank my partner, and then niece for that. He started things and she encouraged them to go where I would have never gone with it. She observed what I did on Facebook and suggested I get a tumblr. I laughed… what an idea! Blogging! And at my age!?! Nah!… sometime later…. after telling myself not to be such an old fuddy-duddy… Yeah, Baby!

I went a bit OTT in my sudden immersion into social media, did too much, freaked myself out, burned out, and then deleted everything. That is a rather narcissist style of doing social media and things.

The typical narcissist on social media will wipe themselves off the face of the earth, Twittercide, Facebookcide, Bloggicide, etc, when things don’t turn out as perfectly as they wanted it to. If their facade ain’t working, they ditch it and ditch you in the process – it’s not about you, it’s all about them.

They wipe the old social media self out and begin again. Reinvent themselves. Reappear in a new form. This time the new form will live up to their high ideals!

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messiah complex tour russell brand

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That wasn’t why I did what I did… but it might have come across that way. It might have been… doing what I was taught to do, and still hadn’t quite stopped doing.

I pissed quite a few people off, offended them by discarding them when I deleted all my social media. I wasn’t thinking about them when I did that, how my actions would affect them, I was completely wrapped up in myself… and I wanted out. I don’t regret deleting everything, but I do… regret doing it the way I did it. I feel really shitty about the knock on effect of it, how it affected others. I wish I’d thought things through a bit more rationally and empathically… I wish I’d had the experience which it gave me before it gave it to me.

I have learned my lesson, and have made amends where I can, as best as I can… which is probably not good enough, but it’ll do, for now. What I’ve learned has influenced what I do now.

Whenever this all gets too much for me… I pause to consider things, people beyond myself. My blog isn’t just about me… even if it seems that way to me. Don’t blow everything and everyone up just because you’re having a bad day, and that bad day feels like a bad year, a bad life… and you want to blow that, yourself, up.

I’m sure you’ve had those kind of days, we all do at some point… it’s probably easier to count the days when we don’t feel like that.

When we want to be kind and rewind. OMG, I effed up so badly on that test, if I could start over from scratch I’d totally ace it! I went the wrong way, if I could have a do-over, I’d go the right way! This time I won’t say that thing which hurt that person, I won’t choose door number one, I’ll go through the door which actually has a prize behind it rather than a booby trap for a boob like me!

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signs...?

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But we can’t always be kind, and we certainly can’t rewind, we know that, we have to keep going and learn, do better, be better… if that’s possible… however we need to cut ourselves some slack along the way to betterness. Sometimes you just can’t be and do better… that’s okay, you’re human… and others have a way of understanding that. When we work with others, we can work together to help each other. I may be crap at this, but someone else is awesome at it, and maybe they’re crap at something at which I’m awesome – pool those abilities, join forces, and see what happens.

Many people cut me a lot of slack for being an a-hole twat at social media (they forgave me… for something I still haven’t fogiven myself for)… they’ve taught me to be better at it by… admitting I sucked at it and… made all the mistakes which I wasn’t the first to make… sharing their views, themselves, by confronting me… with compassion – Dude, you effed up, it’s okay… learn from it, try again, this time… remember that even if you’re doing the whole social media in a room by yourself, we’re all alone but… you’re not alone… we’re all alone together.

Sometimes even when it’s an awful day… it can be beautiful when others open it up for you…

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Narcissists, on the other hand, don’t know that… they think they can just delete, rewind and start over. And over, and over, and over… They move around in a circle, resetting… reset artists who wonder why doing the same thing over and over keeps getting them the same results! What’s the problem with everyone else!?!

The narcissist online will conclude that they are doing everything right, and what is wrong with the results they get is due to everyone else online. If their follower count isn’t growing exponentially every time they tweet or post, and their every burp and fart shared publicly isn’t being massively ‘Liked’ and going viral, it’s due to the masses being idiots.

If the masses are idiots, then the narcissist will make them pay for it – enter the ‘donate’ button. Or some other money-making way to profit from it, scheme.

Yes, plenty of people use the ‘donate’ button or something like it to help them, they’re not asking for anything, but if you enjoy their work, and can give a little to encourage them… no problem there. It’s up to you.

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reset the world

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But a narcissist will word things differently and make you feel… bad about not giving them your hard earned cash, how selfish of you, they’ll appeal to your pity and its knock on effect… or they’ll make money from your clicks and views of their social media sites whether you agree to it or not… and if you’re clicking to view them because you hate them – haha, either way, they win!

Some narcissists can only handle being adored and anything less than that causes them to shrivel up… basically start again with a new facade after deleting the old one (and they don’t just do this online, it’s just more obvious online).

Other narcissists prefer to be hated, because hate is a more powerful a version of love (obsession) than being adored. If you hate them, you’ll keep coming back for more. If you only love them, you might get bored – haterz never get bored of hating, and a new one is born every minute, every second! Ka-ching for them!

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They feed off your hate, and feed it because they feed on it, on you hating them. It’s much harder to forget someone you hate… they are under your skin like some parasite or virus which no antidote can get rid of… you might even try compromising your immune system to get rid of them… how flattering is that!?! You’re basically willing to risk dying to kill them! You must truly love them, they’re so important, aren’t they!?!

It can drive you nuts… trying to deal with a narcissist who has their hooks in you…

I went NC from my parents many years ago… it helped somewhat to do that, but… the damage had already been done, and in some ways going NC made it worse. I thought I was free… but I was forced to face the fact that I had absorbed them into my system.

I lived in greater fear of them after I went NC than when they were in my face, on the phone, in my life bringing their drama and expecting me to get involved, fix it, make things better… as much as I was a constant puddle of mud when they were in my life… when they weren’t… I was still a puddle of mud, only one which had no purpose… and feared that, feared all that comes when you realise that your entire life is built around narcissists, and now they’re gone… you’re nothing, even more of a nothing than when they were there making you feel how much of a nothing you were.

It’s a hard one to explain… but someone somewhere can explain it… while I was NC and trying to deal with the repercussions of that… which at times were more brutal than being stuck in narcissist hell…

You get so used to narcissist abuse… you really don’t know how to deal with it not being a part of your life anymore… sometimes you become the narcissist who abuses yourself as they did just to ease the pain of not being abused by narcissists anymore… it’s seriously effed up logic… in some ways I was more effed up when I went NC, than before I did that… because I had to face the narcissist hell within, no longer distracted by the narcissist hell on the outside.

I struggled with that… more than I was willing to admit…

Then…

I happened upon this book – Going Mad to Stay Sane

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Andy White book

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“The experience of suffering throughout life can be so consistent, that it becomes idntfied with one’s very being. Suffering becomes a way of knowing oneself and to be deprived of this suffering then constitutes a source of acute anxiety.”

Andy White (Narcissism and the Fruit of Suffering)

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It is not an easy read… but sometimes easy isn’t healthy…

In a world full of narcissists… easy is becoming a narcissist or becoming the lackey of narcissists… that’s not healthy… and in the long term it is anything but easy. The goal posts are always moving… it starts off easy… to lull you into a false sense of security… in the end you’re never safe, and everything you say and do is wrong… but right is just here, no, here, no here, no, here… what is wrong with you!?! It’s here!!! Not here, here!!!

Many write ups about narcissists… about the effect of narcissists on us… offer us a placebo… it’s not your fault (it’s not)… it’s all their fault (um… yeah, a lot of it is)… but how does knowing this help you when dealing with the narcissist in your life. So, it’s not your fault, it’s all their fault, but… what are you supposed to do with that when they keep denying culpability and shifting the blame onto you, and… when they decide you’re the narcissist, read the same stuff you read and tell you that – it’s all your fault, nothing is their fault (like they’ve always told you).

They want closure (not) from you… for you to apologise for everything you’ve done to them, for all the abuse you have abused them with… while you’re trying to do the same with them.

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unicorn tears

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Anything you can do… they can do too… and better because they don’t have the doubts that you do to trip them up on their righteous path.

You keep wondering if… you attracted a narcissist because of something wrong with you (they never wonder that genuinely, although they will fake it).

You keep doubting yourself… you’re codependent… that’s why narcissists find you attractive… if only you could fix that shit, but codenpendency is one of those things which requires major plumbing works by a professional to fix.

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human staff

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But what if… you’re not the one who is codependent? Actually it’s the narcissist… but they won’t own up to that unless it’s worth it for them to do so to excuse everything they do and blame it on others…

What if what you think is codependency is just what comes naturally to humans… symbiosis is normal, we need others just as a flower needs a bee to pollinate it. Trust narcissists to make that a bad thing that needs fixing but can never be fixed.

I’m not saying codenpendency is something narcissists invented to shift the blame… although that’s worth considering… narcissists can be therapists too, in fact they rather like that role… however… it’s worth exploring it as real, as a possible part of your puzzle… just be careful with it and gentle with yourself, you’re human… humans need other humans, relationships rely on codependency in its healthy form… remember there are shades of grey in everything and everyone… it’s a human thing.

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A blogger is codependent in a way… without you… at this point this blog would not exist because I’d have given up on it. I’m glad I haven’t, it helps me… so you help me. And if I help you too… this relationship is mutually beneficial, flows both ways.

As a blogger I sometimes get the best of things… but I may also have to deal with the not so best of things… like trolls…

I haven’t had a troll comment on this blog for a long while now (famous last words).

When I first started this particular blog… I had a few… it’s par for the course, people like to test your resolve sometimes… and everyone has issues which they deal with in their own way.

I often see other blogs who blog about narcissism discuss the trolls they get…

Why have trolls been avoiding me (love you for that guys!… probably should not have said that, oops…)…?

Probably because I’m a bit of a wild card. I fess up to being an a-hole, and haven’t taken that holier than thou route which can happen to us when we’re discussing our issues publicly… we all like to be the hero of our own story…

If I was a troll, and I sometimes wish I was because… not going there… but I get some of it… empathy… and some people, really… the temptation to take them down a notch or two… when they think they’re all that…or you think they think they’re all that… and… human stuff spilling over and getting everyone wet by that kind of mud puddle…

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the hard way to change channels

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Trolls like to push your buttons… so do narcissists… and as much as having your buttons pushed can be distressing, can cause you to react in a way which you wish you wouldn’t for many reasons… it’s actually really valuable to have your buttons pushed, if you’re willing to pause and examine it.

Even if it’s a troll or a narcissist who prompts you to do that…

A while back I had a bit of a trollish stalker on Twitter… I don’t go on there often enough to care about that kind of thing (my bad), but it did make me sigh heavily. He @ me with something like ‘stupid bitch’. I checked him out, saw that this account was stalking a few females and @ them with things he considered to be ‘abuse’ designed to scare females with macho grrr.

I didn’t @ him back but I did tweet a bit about his @ to me. If he was really stalking me, he’d read it, if he was just messing around, he’d miss the attention. Said I was saddened by his @ because it disappointed my goal. I was aiming for c*** savant and felt I’d missed the mark when all I’d managed to achieve was ‘stupid bitch’.

Being a stupid bitch is child’s play, easy for me… sometimes it comes naturally, sometimes I do it deliberately… being called out for it is… boring… wink wink…

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happiness...?

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I grew up with narcissists, the awful truth about yourself is your daily bread… amen. So… being told how awful I am is easy to digest. If you really want to push my buttons, give me IBS, and derail me – tell me you think I’m awesome and wonderful and compliment me… that… still pushes my buttons, effs me up, although I’m beginning to become immune to it.

My system is adjusting (my partner is hoping for a miracle here, and that I’ll somehow stop that bad habit I have of ripping the piss out of myself, as he’s really tired of hearing me do it. He understands, cuts me loads of slack, he loves me – crazy fool – and wants to hear me love myself instead of doing and saying what sounds like hating on self).

Okay… what sounds like I’m hating on myself is actually not that… you might be surprised by how much what appears to be hate is actually love… I’m looking after myself in a way that I learned… fell under a self-hater thus other-haterz radar…

I like to get the hits in first… then I’m ready just in case someone else decides to punch me or play my 45 as though it was a 33 or vice versa (a bit of a fuddy-duddy puzzle for ya)… ahhhh!

Growing up with narcissists… told you that kind of lesson was twisted!

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All that aside…

You guys… you just keep amazing me with how wonderful you are… stop it… no , don’t stop… don’t stop being you… but please stop being so hard on yourselves… want your faith in humanity restored? Just look in the mirror and try not to focus on the blemishes… and if you can’t stop seeing those, see them as part of your beauty!

Our faults, flaws, eff-ups, and so on… they’re more beautiful than the narcissist, troll, etc, in our lives or in us will ever know… that’s what makes us… us… go figure…

If you learn anything from narcissists… learn this… the perfect ideal is a frigging nightmare, the real dream is… just you being you, warts and all!

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I not only grew up with narcissists… it was also the 70’s/80’s… and I happen to be a Capricorn Sun sign… seriously, Karma, you’re taking the piss if you expect me to make sense of this…

Over to you…

… it’s safe to dance here!

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24 thoughts on “The Narcissist – Up Close and Personal

  1. I have to get Andy White’s book. I say that to myself every time you reference him and then I completely forget. (Too much to do!) The point is that I just need to make that task important and stop putting it on the back burner. πŸ™‚

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    1. I love his book! And he’s a really cool guy! He put up with me emailing him, bothering him and overwhelming him with my admiration πŸ˜‰

      Back burners are good, they keep the toes warm!

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  2. Blogging is an amazing journey of self-discovery. Gosh there is so much in this post I could relate to. I only became aware of narcissism in recent weeks. It was a huge turning point in therapy when I realised mum is textbook and it was not long before I warmed to the idea of NC. I’ve not read too much info online, but most of it seems quite repetitive. Your post is very refreshing and original in so many ways. In therapy, particularly group therapy, I’m dealing with one of the biggest impacts narcissism had on my life and this is the ability to feel and express my emotions. Narcissists hate their child having feelings, opinions, or worse, tantrums. I wouldn’t dare have a hissy fit because it was more than my life was worth. We were ungrateful, selfish, and inconsiderate whenever we exerted anything of ourselves. It’s easy to see where my selfish complex comes from, but not so easy to change, although I am working on it.

    On the troll front… I am almost jealous! So many bloggers I know have had a troll, but not on my blog. I would pat their head and comb their fuzzy hair.

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    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      I agree, blogging is an intensely insightful experience if we choose to let it be. I was terrified by it at first, then I warmed to it, started spilling more and more beans, daring to be myself (not something which comes easily to a child of narcissists). Comments in particular were quite a challenge for me because I suck at socialising, but then I realised that when you share, others are inspired to share and… wow! I’ve learned a lot from interacting. People are amazing!

      The trolls I’ve had mostly came because a couple of my posts were shared on forums and FB, and have had a bit of traffic. CZBZ of The Narcissistic Continuum once asked me if I minded her linking to a post as I might get some of her blog’s trolls from it. When you write about narcissism it can trigger all sorts. Usually people are great and they let you know you’re not alone in your land of narcissist insanity – there are a lot of people whose parents are narcissists. I usually use troll comments as post prompts. Some of them have been fun and made me rethink things!

      Besides, if you grow up with a parent who is a narcissist, troll comments are a bit tame compared to what narcissist parents say and what they train you to say to yourself, and you may read them and think – Aww, Bless, they’re trying so hard to be mean and hurt you…

      I’ve always known my parents were a bit ‘different’, and rather crazy… they were proud of that as it made them ‘special’, being ‘ordinary’ was a crime in our family. Identifying them as narcissists took a while partly because of my own denial and partly because up until recently there wasn’t that much information about it. The whole NPD awareness thing has only really taken off in the past few years.

      The book which hit the nail on the head for me is this one – http://andywhiteblog.com/2015/06/23/going-mad-to-stay-sane/ – it’s not about NPD per se, it’s more about why we’re self-destructive. He summed up my parents and their effect on me so concisely I wondered if he knew them. He’s one of those rare psychologists who admits to having lived through hell, and he doesn’t talk down to you, he doesn’t pretend that he’s ‘normal’ and you can be too in a few easy steps. He’s a Brit, so he knows the whole grit your teeth and smile politely thing.

      Once we admit to being the child of a narcissist… it’s kind of like opening Pandora’s Box, only Hope isn’t the good guy (sorry, I have a bit of a thing about Hope, as hope made me put up with my parents’ BS for longer than I should have).

      I love your posts (I don’t press ‘Like’ that often, I’m still a lurker at heart), you tell it straight up and share deeply and clearly. Thank you!

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      1. Oh I might get a free troll just by commenting here, lovely, I don’t like being the odd one out! Yes, I agree about people’s insults being tame in comparison to the NM. My parents are also proud of their β€œspecial” difference, everyone else are idiots and less fortunate than their perfect existence.

        I will put that book on my reading list. Oddly enough, a psychotherapist, Andy White, led our introductory therapy group, but I doubt it’s the same person.

        Thank you for your kind feedback, it means a great deal and I will take it as a compliment, considering your own site, which is amazing and something I will be pondering over.

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        1. Doubt if you’ll get any trolls from my blog, but you might get some of the wonderful people who sometimes visit my internet home. There are many who have lived through the ACoN experience and they’re awesome to know. Sharing our stories helps us all figure things out together. It’s a great way to heal πŸ™‚

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          1. Well, of course, I’ve had a good few new people pop in to share their experience, the response to this particular post has been wonderful. Thank you again for reblogging and for contributing your own experience and wisdom, it means so much πŸ™‚

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            1. You’ve got a great blog, your posts have an authenticity which is striking and appealing. I’ve noticed that you have a very close and supportive community. That’s a lovely thing to find online πŸ™‚

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              1. A sense of community is what I set out to achieve on my blog and things are going really well. Everyone is amazing and have been a fundamental source of my healing. Thank you for your compliments, I’m almost blushing πŸ™‚

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  3. “Narcissists, on the other hand, don’t know that… they think they can just delete, rewind and start over. And over, and over, and over…” They do this in real life too, doing the same things over and over again–just with different people. Of course, as you pointed out, nothing changes but this doesn’t stop them, doesn’t even seem to deter them. They just keep orbiting around their same experiences.

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    1. Thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

      Yes, you’re right, they do indeed do this in real life. They do online what they do in RL, in some ways they’re easier to spot online because they’re more obvious as they embrace the fantasy element of the internet more thoroughly and make full use of the opportunities which the internet offers to erase and reinvent yourself. Their cycles are more blatant, one minute they’re up, up, up, the next they’re down, down, down, and they easily forget the ups when they’re down and the downs when they’re up, like it never happened even if it’s in print and public – they often switch between being public and private with their online accounts, and blame someone else for them doing that – always some online drama happening.

      I used to follow one person who regularly did that every time they hit a human moment obstacle. They reinvented themselves so many times online that it was a surprise when they were still there from week to week. I shared an FB page with them, and they did this whole dramatic exit, they were deleting their account and were going to be gone for good, sorry to abandon me but they needed to do this. I said okay, you do what you need to do. When they exited FB I removed their admin access to the page. They were gone… however a day or so later after their big exit, they had a hissy fit because they couldn’t log-in to the page. I said – I thought you were gone for good. Apparently they changed their mind and my action was a betrayal, they needed the page, it was the only thing which kept them going, etc, how could I discard them like that!?! I apologised, re-adminned them… a week later they were gone, again. They had to go, they said, they couldn’t hang on just for my sake, I had to let them go, they had to do this for themselves. SIGH!!!!

      One minute they have a blog, Twitter, FB, they love social media, the next minute they’re quitting, they hate social media, then they aren’t quitting, never ever would, they love social media and everyone who follows them, then they’re gone again, hate everyone… oh, but wait, they’re back again and angry at those who took them at their word that they were gone for good this time!

      Part of why they do it is their obstinate belief that doing the same thing over and over will one day have different results – they’re miracle chasers. It rarely if ever occurs to them that if they want different results they need to change their modus operandi and do some self reflection. They never quite get that others don’t like being treated as disposable one minute and valuable the next, then disposable, then… wait, they didn’t mean to throw us away, they need us, why are we so ungrateful!

      Their version of reality is very skewed, they’re actually more suited to virtual reality.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. @upturnedsoul I still love you! You are so cray. I love your spunk. You literally had me LOL as I read this. Keep writing… Your not the only “lurker” out there, you help me keep things in perspective.

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  5. Is that your eyeball? And Safety Dance.. Wow, that’s a flashback! That was when MTV actually played music videos, and went black at midnight. I think break dancing came next, no?

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  6. I can only imagine how painful it would have been to go no contact, carrying all you did inside, the confusion and pain of having confused parents who are really so deeply flawed and wounded themselves they can only pass that on. Then to go on the journey to figure it out and disidentify from the craziness, while longing for parents who got you and loved you. I have often wanted to go no contact when Mum was so hurtful to me but I could never do it, my longing to love her and be loved was so strong (but I do think your parents narcissism was extreme and it was such a brave thing to do). We were born to be in relationship. It is where all our wounds form. Co-depenent? Its all an attempt to bond where bonding and connecting was made so complex, confusing and painful.

    I do believe there is heaps of sense to you being a Sun sign Capricorn with all that you do on here, Ursula. I read somewhere that the Sun sign shows the qualities we need to develop, we grow into the Sun’s qualities through the experiences we have. (integrity, resilience, strong sense of self, relationship to the primal instinctual depths, ability to go it ahead in a stony landscape amidst great drought and pain, while climbing the mountain to get a better view of the truth). The goat is Pan and the beautiful chaotic world of nature your own natural nature growing as who you need to be not who society tells you to be. and your blog is all about that, I think. πŸ™‚

    Ever read a book The Scapegoat Identified Individual? It is excellent and I am re reading it. She talks there about a child which extra acute attunemt and sensitivity and knowledge of the psyche born into a family with all these wounded barricaded individuals who feel threatened by their very existence (yours). There is no place for them in the family due to then carrying rejected shadow qualities (personal and deeply collective) so they get sent out : the escape goat to the wilderness where they need to find themselves and their true deep self. Anyway there is heaps more to it. She talks of an accuser which forms out of this complex. Its formed from the parents not getting you, you internalise it and it turns the false self against the real self which can be killed off (but not really) just forced down and its the journey to reclaim in that lies in knowing what was rejected had great value.

    I don’t know much of your parent’s history, you haven’t shared heaps about it here, but one blog about the snow doll touched on it. The book I mentioned somewhere else before Return to the Goddess speaks of how this kind of psychology has got set up collectively as we developed an ego out of the primal matrix and the challenge of the next phase coming out of the heroic egoic will involve us becoming increasingly narcissistic in order to develop beyond a purely ego centred view. If we don’t destroy the planet and each other first with our egos disconnected from nature and the primal depths. Alice Miller talks of poisonous pedagogy in some of her books and this other book touches on that. Our parents weren’t always allowed to have selves or had to develop false selves at times or go down pathway to survive. Its a thorny question as I am sure narcs are formed not made out of the conditioning of their past.

    Anyway those were just some thoughts, I wanted to share. Loving all these recent blogsl

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    1. Thank you very much for sharing πŸ™‚

      I think so much of our story with narcissists, especially when the narcissist is our parent, is about figuring out what is really ours.

      Narcissists want to own everything about everyone, to control and have. My mother used to buy me toys which she wanted, then I wasn’t allowed to play with them, but I still had to be grateful for the gift which wasn’t a gift. A lot of that had to do with her child self feeling deprived, and her child self created a greedy adult who still felt deprived no matter how much her adult self accumulated. For them having everything is still never enough.

      Sometimes they suffocate us with stuff, sometimes they take everything away from us, usually it’s a bit of both, in terms of the material and the abstract.

      They want it all, except this, and this and this… so they hand us what they don’t want and take what they do, but something which seems delicious when we have it suddenly becomes disgusting when they have it. They want our love, but when they have it it’s not what they thought it would be, did we cheat them somehow?

      And so on… it’s so frigging complicated. In the end we have to sort the confusion out and stop getting confused by it.

      So if you’re very sensitive psychically, which tends to happen to a child who grows up with narcissists as children are naturally open to all stimuli, sensitive to it, and a narcissist parent keeps that channel open in their child, twisting it to suit their needs, rather than teaching the child how to filter – you need to sort that out on your own, usually later on when you realise you’re just too open and you need filters.

      It’s a fascinating thing to explore… but you do it from the inside so it can also be intensely harrowing.

      Sometimes I like to imagine it as the atoms which make us up using us as their playground of learning πŸ™‚

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      1. I really relate to being given what they want…have had that experience alot.

        Could you flesh out how they keep the channel open and twits. I am guessing by not mirroring or helping the child to understand its emotions then projecting their own into them..I was reading today that when we withhold we project…if they had to withhold something they may project or shame..?

        It is confusing to understand and break enmeshment…they werent taught enough to teach us so how can we blame them? This is my question?

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  7. Amen! That really is what it’s all about, the silver lining after (unfortunately) surviving the destructive crap dished out by someone with NPD. We really can shine more brilliantly in the aftermath, for ourselves and for one another. We are meant to be connected and interdependent, and I for one refuse to apologize for believing in that wholeheartedly. We can “spend” our loyalty and warmth freely in the safety of (certain) others and not fear exploitation and manipulation. Restoring our faith in others begins with restoring our faith in the goodness of our capacity to love, rather than dishing out self-recrimination for our involvement with someone who seemed so kind at first. We can get better at protecting ourselves and stay open at the same time. I am the last person I would guess would be vulnerable to the depredations or a narcissist, but it happened.Recovery has taken a long time and a lot of hard work (he really did a number on me; I had no idea that was even possible!) but I’m doing better than ever now, and able to see the upside of all this…there really is one, and it’s having myself back. Thanks, Ursula. You really do help others and I’m happy to be a part of the symbiosis : )

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    1. Thank you very much for sharing πŸ™‚

      One of the hardest things to do when recovering from a relationship with a narcissist is to be gentle with ourselves, we keep wondering how we could have done things better, differently, or doing the old hindsight knows it all and is picking on us for not having seen what now seems so obvious dance.

      We get there in the end, and we’ve learned a lot through the process.

      Take good care of yourself, you deserved your own TLC!

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  8. Introverted yes, but I would have never guessed you as shy. You’re definitely introspective. I think trolls don’t hoover because you set boundaries in a healthy and kind way, and you’re definitely a “wild card.” πŸ˜‰ i wouldn’t try to one up ya! I totally get this post. Didn’t before, but do now. Thank you for the affection and sharing.

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    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      I was playing a game the other day and it happens to have this automatic online feature where players from around the world turn up in your game, and I freaked a little bit because… socialising!!! πŸ˜‰ Very shy, good at covering it up because when you’re shy you do that kind of thing to not make things as awkward for others as they are for you.

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      1. I looked for your box office film page and couldn’t find it. You’ve seen far more film than me but it was fun sharing. Can you please send me the link again. Thanks.

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