No Contact with the Narcissist… “But, she’s your mother.”

This is a wonderfully written and concisely expressed perspective of what it is like to be the adult child of a narcissist trying to share your experience… in this case in an environment which should be safe for you to share openly without having to deal with the usual prejudice or inability of others to empathise, a place supposedly populated with those who understand, or at least know to keep quiet if they don’t understand because they’ve been through something too and might known what it’s like when others ply you with platitude tea and sympathy.

I should add a warning: for those who are children of narcissists, please be careful while reading this, your head may come loose from too much nodding. You might also be inclined to bang said head against a hard surface as it might trigger a well known frustration.

Thank you for sharing.

ps. Something in it made me chuckle when I read it late last night, can’t recall what it was this morning, I think it may have been that bit about what happens when someone dies.

My father died recently and it brought everyone I’d been avoiding for years (especially my mother) out of the woodwork, and all the chaos they bring with them. Even if you could feel grief or loss… there’s no time for you to feel it in the kerfuffle others cause.

My Travels with Depression

We were born into a culture of idolising our mothers. People expect us to sit themthYS3WK643 gracefully on a pedestal, regardless of what they did, or who they became. When a mother and child’s relationship breaks down, there seems to be a predisposition to place the blame on the offspring.

I appreciate how difficult it is for those from functional backgrounds to understand how I could cut my mother off in the first place. People imagine the scenario to be fraught with a wide spectrum of grief. Their lips utter the words without thinking, “But, she’s your mother.”

As soon as people realise my experience is not as they imagine, they view my attitude with a mixture of suspicion and sympathy, their eyes say it all, ‘Awe, poor man… surely he must feel loss’. Many of them say, “But, she’s your mother.”

“Why don’t you try something different,”…

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18 thoughts on “No Contact with the Narcissist… “But, she’s your mother.”

  1. Thank you for the reblog and such lovely feedback. Looks like you have a wonderful blog here… I’ll be back later for a wander 🙂


    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      Loved your post!

      If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard “But, they’re your parents…” and then had to listen to something something…

      You hit the nail of the ruddy head!


      1. Thank you, these do-good responses were a surprise but I find them more bemusing than distressing. These people can never understand, no matter how hard we try to paint the reality of life with the NM. Can I ask if you are still NC? I obviously haven’t got very far with your posts yet.


        1. Thank you 🙂

          It took me ages to understand why others (people I sometimes call ‘outsiders’) couldn’t understand, and why they kept insisting that I stop being so… disruptive, especially to social ‘norms’ and their version of reality and parents who ‘love you’.

          My Godfather/Uncle was a child psychologist who my parents regularly used against me when I was ‘acting up’. He often experienced the worst of my parents’ antics, yet he still sided with them. Kept telling me to be less of a ‘brat’. He taught me well… about distrusting those who claim to be in the know – they have may have a personal agenda. He definitely did.

          I went NC with my parents well over a decade ago. With my father it was easy because he didn’t really want me in the first place, and I was only useful as a pawn in his chess game with my mother. My mother on the other hand – she once used The Samaritans to help her re-establish contact with her ‘Missing’ child. Luckily the bloke at The Samaritans really understood and was on my side – that was a surprise!

          All was okay NC wise, except for my constant fear of being found (NC is not Shangri-La), until my father died a couple of years ago – your post hit the nail on the head about that.

          My mother turned up like a bad and very crazy penny. I only communicate with her through lawyers, and I have to coach my lawyers about how to deal with her. My first lawyer… He wanted to help mother and daughter ‘reconcile’. Not too long after that delusional idea, to which I said ‘No’, he quit because he couldn’t take dealing with my mother anymore. He did grudgingly admit that I’d warned him about her and he didn’t heed the warning. My latest lawyer gets the situation better, but still has trouble with understanding that a narcissist isn’t like other people and doesn’t live by the same social or legal rules.

          You’re right to feel the way you do about a death in the family, your thoughts on it echo my experience of it. Grief, loss, and the usual feelings people feel in that scenario… those things aren’t the ‘norm’ for children of narcissists for many reasons. Our parents died long before they actually die, our feelings can’t take the usual course – if we’re ever allowed to feel anything at all, the feelings are different.

          Don’t worry about reading my posts, I ramble a lot. You might find this one worth a gander – – it kind of explains the aftermath of my father’s death and how a narcissist mother deals with that kind of thing. There’s a lot of rambling on my part in it.


          1. Changing phone numbers is easy, but address is not so convenient, besides I’ve lived in my current home 18yrs and feel reluctant to relocate, HOWEVER, it’s still a point of contact for them in a crisis. Sure I can be strong and refuse to pander to their grief, but it’s the hassle of dealing with their insistence and the subsequent emotional baggage it drops at my feet. It sounds a bit silly to envisage a death when that may take many years, or it could happen tomorrow… I would rather not have any contact, including through a third party. I am not interested in their Living Wills and would rather not know. They would probably use a legal Living Will to have their final dig at me from the grave 🙂 It’s not easy to think in such a ‘what if’ way, but when ‘what if’ becomes ‘what does’, I’ll be annoyed with myself for not putting in place some form of barrier, something like the great wall of china! I will certainly read through your recommended post, thanks


            1. The logistics of it usually work better in the abstract than in the practicality of doing it. You always have to factor in the narcissist element, and that’s rather unstable although quite predictable in its instability. Once you know their cycle, and that they keep repeating it over and over again and again, doing the same thing, saying the same bollocks, everything about them is always tediously repetitive, you can pretty much set your watch by them and their antics, and adjust your timing.

              The best we can do is to take care of ourselves, get to know ourselves well, the more secure we feel in just being ourselves, the less their earthquakes rock us. The most useful barrier is the one which comes naturally when you let yourself be who you really are, and to hell with who they need you to be for them.

              The less you care about them, the less they bother you even when they’re busy bothering you 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

                1. Freudian slip?

                  Sorry, I have dyslexia so I tend to read things people write over and over again to make sure I’ve read it correctly and sometimes… things strike me as being very apt!


                    1. Sorry, I have a tendency to go off on wild tangents, I have an errant mind.

                      I just thought it was apt that you said – I couldn’t agree any more – especially in relation to your post. The saying is usually – I couldn’t agree with you more.

                      So, my mind, being a bit of a pedantic twat, noticed the difference and… liked it as a cry of fed-up-ness of agreeing with people, especially narcissists and narcissist-apologisers.

                      Never mind 😉


                    2. You cheered me up tonight, I totally get the pedantic mind. Sometimes my fingers rattle the keyboard quicker than I think. It’s even funnier to me because the reason why I said “Uh? you lost me” is because I too am fed up always trying to agree and pretend 🙂


  2. It is tough being an ACON but it’s even more difficult when, like you said, you’re in an environment with people that are supposed to understand, but they still can not grasp the validity of the situation, which in many instances traumatize us even more.


    1. That’s an excellent observation!

      It took me ages to finally get why ‘outsiders’ just couldn’t understand, yet felt the need to interfere anyway. And sometimes insisted they understood things better than I did… but often didn’t understand it at all, they just needed to believe that about themselves.

      Exploring cognitive dissonance cleared a few things up, as did seeing my experience from the outside in. We can all be a bit callous when it comes to the stories of others when we’re on the outside of it.

      We live and learn 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Cognitive dissonance. I’ll have to explore this a bit too. Hopefully, it’ll help explain the disconnect; although I know most people simply cannot understand something that they have not experienced themselves.


        1. Cognitive dissonance is basically the inability of someone else to relate to something they haven’t experienced personally, plus a little bit more – it’s also the mind’s refusal to incorporate what doesn’t fit into their world view, even if they experience it personally, so they dismiss it. The mind is split, can’t deal with the internal conflict, and chooses a side to stick with regardless of facts. It’s a very intriguing theory.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, this is sad but insightful. You don’t speak to much about your personal experiences, but I still enjoy your elusive and spot on writing style. She definitely reminds me of your writing style! I thought you might enjoy this one as well.

    These ideas are very challenging for me to grasp, or more so, put into action. This is the first time in my life I’ve done any serious self-reflection, and it’s brought up some very yucky stuff. Headed to the gym! Thanks for sharing.


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