Far from the Charming Crowd

The third time may be the charm, but charm has a way of causing harm, and three is often the kind of crowd which is best avoided.

What am I talking about?

Good question, thank you for asking… what? You didn’t ask that…

A pause for perplexity…

Oh, right, there are only two of us here, actually there is only one but that one split into two and then three joined in…

I promise to endeavour to make some sense… I may fail.

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promises...just another idealistic quote which we can’t always live up to because we’re human and subject to conditions and circumstances which apply, batteries are rarely if ever included.

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Have you ever noticed how even when you are alone, you have company?

We’re never as alone as we feel, think, and perceive that we are, we never have real privacy…

I’m not talking about Big Brother watching you after having hacked your computer’s webcam – yep, it saw you pick your nose and check it out, it also videoed it and soon that’ll be on Youtube or Vine, or whatever is trending these days. Your sense of embarrassment about being alive is complete.

I’m talking about all those people inside of us who may be incorporeal but shit… they don’t half talk a lot and feel real when they do.

They whisper, sometimes shout, in our ears and makes us self-conscious, self-doubtful, and all sorts of slightly sticky and yucky things.

Or is that just me…?

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And when you are in company…

Let’s say you are in the company of another person, only in the company of that person, no other people are around… there are still others listening in and interjecting in the interaction, even though there are just the two of you who are there in the flesh and blood.

We all have the voices of others, the ghosts of past things said, haunting us, talking to us when we’re alone and when we’re in the company of others.

A voice telling you not to smile so much around your crush because you’re looking a bit daft, and your crush is finding it creepy.

Your crush is probably not finding your smile creepy at all, but there’s a voice inside of you which insists this is true.

Your crush is probably listening to a voice inside their head telling them not to look or feel so happy about you smiling at them because they’re going to get hurt, and so they’d be better off treating you with cold disinterest – treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen!

Your crush doesn’t want to do that, but the voices are quite insistent… and you want to keep smiling wide and wonderfully, but the voices are so against happy smiles like that and the consequences of them – they’re really scared of that stuff!

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worry about worrySo, you’re saying… worry… keep worrying… and worry about worrying?

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That third party within, who thinks it is so charming but thinks we’re so awkward (perhaps because it makes us that way due to it never shutting up, always judging us, and interfering…) is a narcissist of sorts. It’s only interested in image, persona, appearance, and it makes such a business of it.

Don’t do that, it says as we scratch our head because there’s an itch, so and so will think you have fleas! They’ll think you’re dirty, or stupid, or something else which is bad… now, you’ve done it!

Don’t cross your arms like that – but I’m cold – then don’t be cold!

Don’t say that – but I just said it – then unsay it! – but all I said was hello – Now this person knows you like them – What’s wrong with that, I do like them – Ugh! If I have to explain it then… what are you saying now, stop it! I need to control and edit things first!

OMG, WTF did you just say!!!!! Now everyone will know you’re a moron!… it points out at the worst possible moment undermining any spontaneous fun we might have been having.

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flashbacks

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That voice, that third party pooper… who pretends to be the smartest person in the room (inside and outside of your head), who tells us it has our best interests at heart, it wants to protect us from being hurt by hurting us, who… who is so sensitive to the point of being hyper about it.

What did he/she just say!?! Suddenly they’re insisting that you feel offended even though you know that there is no logical reason for it. An acquaintance just complimented you on your T-shirt… which must mean all these other things it doesn’t mean at all.

You look nice today – does that mean that every other day I’ve looked mean!?!

You have a lovely smile – So, they have a thing about smiles, do they!? And they want us to smile for them, why!?!

Thanks for helping me – Oh, oh, oh, now they want your help on tap like it’s never going to run out or ask to be returned!

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a waste of time and troubleEasier said than done – said the fish stuck on a hook to the one who wasn’t hooked by such a lure and whose mouth was free to give advice.

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Okay, most of our inner voices aren’t that bad, but sometimes we experience them that way.

We’ve all known people who have made us feel really tiny around them, who crush us to feel powerful, who play the victim card to victimise others, who criticise, whine, bully, and so on… because… they’re going through hell and they need company in their misery. They have their own voices and… I’m glad I don’t have those voices!

But sometimes I do have those kind of voices… pointing out what’s wrong with me by pointing out what’s right with someone else, and oh look how shit you are compared to them… and the pressure builds until… I scream shut up at the voices.

If you happen to see someone in the street, walking alone, screaming… and it is not into a phone. That’s me! Hello! Please cross the street to the other side, I’m not socially operational at the moment.

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difficult times peopleAnd what kind of people are you when you are in your own difficult times expecting other people to be one of these three?

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I’m never really socially operational, at least not that kind of operating social which demands that I fit into a nicely wrapped box to be opened when you need to be presented with an ego boost, for this dolly to say what you want to hear when you want to hear it, when you decide to push my button.

And if you throw me against a wall when you have a tantrum because I’m not working the way you want me to work, I’m the sort of toy which will break… free from your childish tyranny. Especially if I haven’t broken the first two times you did that, because I was doing that give this human being a second chance thing twice. Third time… the charm is not going to work its mojo if it didn’t work the first two times.

If you don’t like it when people treat you that way, don’t treat others that way… they’re you only in other people form… and if you don’t respect them for treating you that way, why would you expect them to respect you for treating them that way. And variations on that theme.

Three strikes and… I’m outta here. Rest in pieces!

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different beasts withinWhat mythical beast are you?

You are a Dragon! You could do with calming down and taking a look at your situation. If you don’t, you are likely to have a run in with St. George, and that won’t be pretty.

St.George, is that pronounced – Sin Gorge?

Who is he and where can I meet, greet and eat him?

Fairly certain if I eat him, he’ll act as an antacid, yeah?

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12 thoughts on “Far from the Charming Crowd

  1. Ursula, you’ve done it again, quite an intriguing blog. Naturally, I’m going straight for the ‘crush’ comment because…reasons, meh. With all the talk about voices inside your own head, is there actually a crush or a crush on yourself? A mirrored version of yourself, I think that was yesterday’s blog. Or maybe it is a legitimate crush because it’s only a pane of glass rather than a mirror, sometimes it reflects, other times you see clear through it. How’s that for a piss poor attempt at making sense?

    The number three has many connotations, the negative clichΓ©d sayings as you’ve pointed out, ‘three’s a crowd’, ‘three strikes and you’re out’, the ‘third wheel’ and whatever else. At times those sayings prove to be true, but sometimes the third time is the charm. For instance, this last one, which I believe to have been my third pregnancy (yes, it’s only a “belief”, long story) has given me a magnificently amazing little boy. The last thing I did three times didn’t necessarily work out in the spectacular way the idealistic fantasy did in my head, but it has worked out quite well in it’s own way. For the religious (def not me), three represents the trinity, I don’t need to go into detail there. It also represents past-present-future (as depicted in this, probably unreliable and not credible site per the mystics of the world, but anyway http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/2011/02/number-3.html?m=1), with the future, obviously being the third aspect…and it is. In my experience, most of what that site states surrounding the number three has proven to be true, mostly.

    Huey Lewis also mentions falling in love three times in ‘The Power of Love’ (and, no, I am not that big of a ‘Back to the Future’ fan, but I guess you didn’t ask about that either). http://youtu.be/KCkgYhtz64U
    Of course, he fails to go beyond three and for reasons in my own head I suppose then the song doesn’t apply to me, damn good song and helps validate my optimistic point nonetheless. πŸ™‚ As for those pesky voices, f$&@ them, they truly suck, because chances are, more often than not, they aren’t even your own voices, but those of Christmases past.

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    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      The crush part of the post came up because I’ve been watching the TV series, Wet Hot American Summer (which is brilliant), and it’s set in the 80’s which is when I was a teen, and almost everyone in it is supposed to be in their teens, there is a whole series of crushes going on in it, and I remembered my own teen crushes and how awkward the whole experience was – the voices were very loud at that time (and not all of them were in my head).

      I once forced myself awake from a dream where my head was filled with voices all talking really loudly and echoing painfully in my ears. I was staying in an hotel which had thin walls and there was a rowdy group of people in the corridor outside. But I saw it as being more than just about what is happening outside leaking into the dream, it was a wake up call for me.

      And you’re absolutely right about a crush causing an internal crush! That is such an awesome insight!

      These days I don’t tend to get crushes on people, my crushes tend to be on ideas, which is a crush that is easier to integrate and see as part of the inner process, rather than an outer fixation.

      Yes, three is a magic number. When I was into witchcraft (one of my concept crushes), one of the first spells I learned was all about the power of 3 X 3. I’m so glad that I did not have witchy powers!

      Mathematics also sees three as being important.

      And there is definitely the sense that there is something about 3, all those sayings about 3 aren’t just fantasy.

      Thank you so much for sharing some of your story about the birth of your son. Wow! Giving birth to a human being is magical whichever way you look at it. Every part of your being is involved and will always be involved, it changes you, your body, your life, everything, it is probably the most incredible experience a human can have. I’ve never done it, hence the ‘probably’ I added in there.

      I used to really like Huey Lewis, my fav of his was – I want a new drug – especially the line – one that won’t make me nervous, wondering what to do.

      This is one of my favourite songs about the number 3 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBSjtpZBKJQ – Joan Baez / Tres Heridas

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  2. Those voices keep us from being ourselves so much. Plus makes being nervous even more intense.

    I watched the video twice. Really like the song and the rap was awesome. Can you elaborate on what the song/video had to do with the post? I don’t understand.

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      1. That song was a bit out of sync with the post because I changed the song I originally had there which was – Voices Inside My Head by The Police – but that one wasn’t quite right. I eventually went with Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz because it is one of my favourite songs, and in some ways it comes closest to the sort of voices I have in my head, and the conversations which go on in there.

        I often tell myself that I’m useless, but at the same time I wonder if my uselessness will be useful one day, so the future is always coming on. And there is a lot of back and forth between my inner voices, so I liked that there was more than one voice in the song. There is also a line towards the end that says – Remember that it’s all in your head.

        And I love the video, the graphics and the story they tell.

        There is also another connection for me, which actually, now I think about it, ties in with the ‘crush’ part of the post – Clint Eastwood. I was a big fan (still am) when I was a child. I used to pretend to be him. He was a role model for me. And sometimes his voice, or his lack of saying anything, his attitude, helped to silence the other voices.

        One of my all time fav films is – High Plains Drifter. Here’s the 1973 trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek9CwmjisLE

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    1. Very true, those voices can indeed stop us from just being ourselves as we are… they’re so demanding sometimes of us and who they want us to be.

      There’s a funny (at least I find it funny) story behind the choice of the song. I originally had another music video there, but it wasn’t quite right and I was getting annoyed with it because it had a really long intro – Voices Inside My Head by The Police. I decided to change it just before I published the post, but I kept being interrupted by the voices of real other people and I got sidetracked by conversations and stuff. I almost used Pressure by Billy Joel, because I was pressuring myself to make a decision. The post was about to end up in draft limbo when I remembered one of my favourtie songs by a great band (made up of musicians from other bands) which reminds me of the voices inside my head (I’m always telling myself that I’m useless, but that doesn’t necessarily make me sad), and there’s a line in the song which says – Remember that it’s all in your head.

      And I love the video graphics.

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      1. I really liked the video graphics too. I always watch videos like that to find the message that they are singing about, but much of the time it escapes me. And maybe it’s just not there anyway. lol

        I call myself stupid a lot. Can’t stand it and it makes me angry. I know it comes from the message/s from my father at certain times. He never blatantly said I was stupid, but his impatience and the tone that came with it, certainly implied that.

        I doubt you’re actually useless. Sorry you live with that one. It’s sad that we carry those messages and internalize those things that were actually ‘their issues’ they were projecting.

        Not that the messengers in these scenarios were actually useless or stupid either, but perhaps they were told the same. Still not an excuse in my book and I’m dealing with some anger today.

        Thank you for choosing the video you did. I discovered a new song and I love it.

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        1. Thank you πŸ™‚

          Growing up with narcissists has positive sides to the negative sides – I’m quite good at spinning things, seeing the flip side due to having to do that to deal with my parents.

          The useless can be useful by being useless.

          It’s amazing how good you can make others feel when you admit that you have no idea what you’re doing rather than trying to pretend that you do because the voices make you feel ashamed of the truth. When you own up to your truth, especially the vulnerabilities… more often than not you get to find out how wonderful other humans are. They offer to help you because doing so makes them feel good about themselves, and maybe they have those voices too, so they get to challenge those while helping you, and you learn how to do something which you didn’t know how to do taught by a teacher who wants to share their knowledge because in doing so they also gain knowledge – that they’re pretty awesome for knowing stuff which they didn’t realise had value because they thought everyone knew this, but they have found someone who doesn’t and for that someone that that knowledge is priceless.

          Owning up to your ‘vulnerabilities’ is also quite useful for finding out who the a-holes are, and with less heartache because they’re quick to identify themselves when they think they have the advantage.

          My uselessness has its uses!

          Besides if we can learn to deal with our own voices, it can give us a certain strange immunity to the voices of others. If anyone else calls me useless, I’m not as bothered as they might expect me to be, and it doesn’t distract me from why they’re saying that to me.

          Think about it, why do you think your father gave you that impression – was it about you or was it about how he felt about himself and what his own voices were saying. Parents can be very cruel to their children due to their own inner cruelty which may be caused by their inner child which never dealt with what their parents did to them.

          We, as a child, accept their version of us because… to challenge it may have the sort of domino effect which may be harder to handle than just accepting their judgment. One of the worst things a child can find out is – that their parent is stupid. This can destabilise things, so we accept that we’re the stupid one to keep them as the clever one. That keeps things more stabilised… until we grow up.

          I totally agree with you, the songs which attract us – they have a message for us. Sometimes they tell our story. And the soundtrack in our mind is often insightful!

          Think of your favourite songs, or even your not so favourite songs, but they’re stuck in your head anyway like voices, only singing ones – what’s the story, Morning Glory (had to add that due to a song – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hzrDeceEKc – Oasis / Wonderwall).

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I love your perspective. I know his cruelty and my mom’s as well was because of their own issues. Unfortunately, knowing it intellectually doesn’t seem to make things different for me. The anger sometimes is paralyzing. In fact I’m paralyzed a lot of the time and feel as though I have no purpose.

            I’ve felt that way since I can remember, at least throughout adulthood, although I’ve always worked and had friends, until recently. I don’t work. And when I say friends, I’m talking about a connection, trust, someone to count on. There are people in my life I could see if I choose to. But they don’t reach out to me.

            It’s sad because as you say, showing vulnerabilities teaches you about others. Reading that, I remember interacting…a lot. And it seems I don’t have much of a problem asking for help if I need it.

            Slowly it seems I’ve rigged my life so I don’t have much contact with people anymore. Except my roommate and sometimes I can’t even stand to talk to him either. But then there’s a lot of resentment there and a whole other story.

            I feel like I’m in this hole. I mean, I’ve had the same type of responses and reactions to trauma that I do now. But it seems like it hits me harder, the effects last longer, and I’m just more aware of what it is, so I avoid things, whereas before, I just lived my life. (Not that I didn’t avoid certain things.) I worked, hung out with friends, felt hurt when someone didn’t like me. But now I feel like I can’t work because triggers get to me more, they seem to effect me more intensely and when people don’t like me, I generally know why. When I say that, I’m thinking about a woman in particular who used to talk to me, we were not what I’d classify as friends, but we were friendly. Then I said something while drunk to someone else and I’m sure it got back to her. So… I’m kicking myself. I think I walked out of my parents’ trap with more narcissism than I care to even think about or admit. So the self loathing is painful.

            Talk about feeling useless. Ha. I didn’t realize I was feeling that way until I wrote all this out in response.

            I’m think you’d make a better therapist than anyone I’ve seen yet in my nearly 30 years wandering around trying to find one that will help me.

            Ok I’m going to go listen to the song and find the lyrics. I know the song but never listened all that closely to it.

            Thank you.

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            1. Thank you ❀

              Yes, absolutely! Knowing something intellectually isn't all that helpful. Because the intellectual mind tends to only deal with the surface of things.

              I have no idea what's going on, but my comment-chat with you keeps reminding me of songs which have meaning to me. Sorry, I have to share another one, and it may not make sense, but I think this will.

              You won't fall / Lori Carson – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHYmd-pI1Go

              The knowledge which helps us is our own, a knowledge which is part of hard earned and learned wisdom, the kind which comes from living and being, so it takes while to understand it and access it because it is part of our being, our life, our story.

              It is there in your words, what you're sharing and as you shared… so you saw it, and knew it. That's the knowledge which matters, sometimes it hurts to find it it, recognise it, and it is at its most vivid and alive when we're going through a dark night of the soul, a difficult time, a period of seclusion.

              I kick myself all the time over things said, done, and so on… sometimes those kicks inspire me, other times they are depressing. Just have to keep going, accept the mess, and find beauty in what sometimes seems so ugly.

              Flip side of coming out of your parent's trap with more narcissism than you care to think about – certain aspects and types of narcissism are actually healthy for us, but children of narcissist tend to think all of it is horrible and unhealthy. We may need to appreciate that there is value to something which has caused us so much pain and trauma.

              Recently I've actually begun to rather like some of my own narcissism because it is not harmful, it's actually helpful… and not just for me. It's weird and rather confusing, but not narconfusion… just kind of – oh, I can actually like myself sometimes… how does that work!?!

              The Oasis song… my partner introduced me to that when we first met. He did kind of save me, but I had to do a lot of work to allow myself to be saved, and to stop myself from drowning him while he tried to save me from drowning.

              Children of narcissists… we tend to be those people who give others our life jacket, give others our place on the lifeboat, and when someone else tries to do that with us, we can't deal with it, because… you know why. But sometimes we should just hang on to the life preserver, accept the offer of a life jacket, and others have to sort themselves out.

              Be gentle with yourself, remember you're trained to be hard on yourself. Takes a long time to learn to be good to yourself!

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  3. A chi parli…those voices, I do know them but once you told me it had a positive effect to talk to our negative self talk- you where right.
    And about having memories awaken we don’t appreciate, everything is liked in a bizarre way, smells and images, words and silence, there is always something which reminds us of something else, a sort of transference (sorry delving into it at the moment!).
    Wishing you the very best chance ever for your brand new home, may it remind you only of the good memeories of your life! take care, xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Grazie mille πŸ˜€

      I know I’m not the only one with voices… but sometimes it is better to point the finger only at the self, so as not to annoy the voices!

      I was watching a show which discussed memories and why some get forgotten and others don’t. It said that usually our memories rely on us poking them for them to be remembered, the ones we don’t poke get tossed out to make room for new memories. It was a questionable theory but interesting to explore.

      I read somewhere many years ago that our memories are actually located not in the brain but in the water in our bodies… it was a new age theory loosely based on something scientific. I don’t remember it well enough to expand upon it πŸ˜‰

      TY about the home, it’s not a done deal yet, but… if it does become real it’s going to kick up some dust for me, some of it healthy dust, I hope!

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