Far from the Charming Crowd
The third time may be the charm, but charm has a way of causing harm, and three is often the kind of crowd which is best avoided.
What am I talking about?
Good question, thank you for asking… what? You didn’t ask that…
A pause for perplexity…
Oh, right, there are only two of us here, actually there is only one but that one split into two and then three joined in…
I promise to endeavour to make some sense… I may fail.
Have you ever noticed how even when you are alone, you have company?
We’re never as alone as we feel, think, and perceive that we are, we never have real privacy…
I’m not talking about Big Brother watching you after having hacked your computer’s webcam – yep, it saw you pick your nose and check it out, it also videoed it and soon that’ll be on Youtube or Vine, or whatever is trending these days. Your sense of embarrassment about being alive is complete.
I’m talking about all those people inside of us who may be incorporeal but shit… they don’t half talk a lot and feel real when they do.
They whisper, sometimes shout, in our ears and makes us self-conscious, self-doubtful, and all sorts of slightly sticky and yucky things.
Or is that just me…?
And when you are in company…
Let’s say you are in the company of another person, only in the company of that person, no other people are around… there are still others listening in and interjecting in the interaction, even though there are just the two of you who are there in the flesh and blood.
We all have the voices of others, the ghosts of past things said, haunting us, talking to us when we’re alone and when we’re in the company of others.
A voice telling you not to smile so much around your crush because you’re looking a bit daft, and your crush is finding it creepy.
Your crush is probably not finding your smile creepy at all, but there’s a voice inside of you which insists this is true.
Your crush is probably listening to a voice inside their head telling them not to look or feel so happy about you smiling at them because they’re going to get hurt, and so they’d be better off treating you with cold disinterest – treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen!
Your crush doesn’t want to do that, but the voices are quite insistent… and you want to keep smiling wide and wonderfully, but the voices are so against happy smiles like that and the consequences of them – they’re really scared of that stuff!
That third party within, who thinks it is so charming but thinks we’re so awkward (perhaps because it makes us that way due to it never shutting up, always judging us, and interfering…) is a narcissist of sorts. It’s only interested in image, persona, appearance, and it makes such a business of it.
Don’t do that, it says as we scratch our head because there’s an itch, so and so will think you have fleas! They’ll think you’re dirty, or stupid, or something else which is bad… now, you’ve done it!
Don’t cross your arms like that – but I’m cold – then don’t be cold!
Don’t say that – but I just said it – then unsay it! – but all I said was hello – Now this person knows you like them – What’s wrong with that, I do like them – Ugh! If I have to explain it then… what are you saying now, stop it! I need to control and edit things first!
OMG, WTF did you just say!!!!! Now everyone will know you’re a moron!… it points out at the worst possible moment undermining any spontaneous fun we might have been having.
That voice, that third party pooper… who pretends to be the smartest person in the room (inside and outside of your head), who tells us it has our best interests at heart, it wants to protect us from being hurt by hurting us, who… who is so sensitive to the point of being hyper about it.
What did he/she just say!?! Suddenly they’re insisting that you feel offended even though you know that there is no logical reason for it. An acquaintance just complimented you on your T-shirt… which must mean all these other things it doesn’t mean at all.
You look nice today – does that mean that every other day I’ve looked mean!?!
You have a lovely smile – So, they have a thing about smiles, do they!? And they want us to smile for them, why!?!
Thanks for helping me – Oh, oh, oh, now they want your help on tap like it’s never going to run out or ask to be returned!
Okay, most of our inner voices aren’t that bad, but sometimes we experience them that way.
We’ve all known people who have made us feel really tiny around them, who crush us to feel powerful, who play the victim card to victimise others, who criticise, whine, bully, and so on… because… they’re going through hell and they need company in their misery. They have their own voices and… I’m glad I don’t have those voices!
But sometimes I do have those kind of voices… pointing out what’s wrong with me by pointing out what’s right with someone else, and oh look how shit you are compared to them… and the pressure builds until… I scream shut up at the voices.
If you happen to see someone in the street, walking alone, screaming… and it is not into a phone. That’s me! Hello! Please cross the street to the other side, I’m not socially operational at the moment.
I’m never really socially operational, at least not that kind of operating social which demands that I fit into a nicely wrapped box to be opened when you need to be presented with an ego boost, for this dolly to say what you want to hear when you want to hear it, when you decide to push my button.
And if you throw me against a wall when you have a tantrum because I’m not working the way you want me to work, I’m the sort of toy which will break… free from your childish tyranny. Especially if I haven’t broken the first two times you did that, because I was doing that give this human being a second chance thing twice. Third time… the charm is not going to work its mojo if it didn’t work the first two times.
If you don’t like it when people treat you that way, don’t treat others that way… they’re you only in other people form… and if you don’t respect them for treating you that way, why would you expect them to respect you for treating them that way. And variations on that theme.
Three strikes and… I’m outta here. Rest in pieces!
You are a Dragon! You could do with calming down and taking a look at your situation. If you don’t, you are likely to have a run in with St. George, and that won’t be pretty.
St.George, is that pronounced – Sin Gorge?
Who is he and where can I meet, greet and eat him?
Fairly certain if I eat him, he’ll act as an antacid, yeah?