Hiding behind this blog, there is a person, a human being (who used to wonder if they were an alien), a people just like you (okay, not exactly like you… you can stop panicking).
The words you see in this post, come from the fingers of this person tapping out their thoughts and feelings onto a blank page, filling up the space with stuff.
Today, when I looked at the blank page… [Insert all thoughts and feelings all at once right here].
There is so much going on inside and outside of my messy self that my brain, my mind, whatever the thinky part which may or may not be conscious or consciousness is, looks like this:
I decided to check out my astrology chart to see if it could… add to my confusion which isn’t as confused as it thinks it is, and I came across this rather spot on interpretation:
“Under this influence you are likely to have a rather busy day communicating and engaging in exchanges with others… Your mind is sharper than usual today, and you are receptive to what others have to say. You express your thoughts in a way that is easily understood.
It is not an especially good day to relax, however, because the tempo of your life is likely to be rather brisk.
It is an appropriate day for working on puzzles or other mental games.”
– Robert Hand, Planets in Transit, Mercury conjunct Ascendant
It made me laugh… maybe in the same place you did, but only if you’re a regular reader of my posts… because of that bit and because I noticed that Robert Hand uses ‘rather’ a lot and so do I… I have no idea why I do, but since it’s a good day for solving puzzles…
Figuring out why I use ‘rather’ a lot isn’t quite as banal as it sounds… or maybe it is. I use ‘maybe’ a lot too, and ‘sort of’, ‘sometimes’, ‘in some ways’, ‘perhaps’, and many other words which for me express a certain uncertainty which isn’t as uncertain as it seems to be or something like that ( <– that is one of my favourite things to say and hide behind).
I just revealed too much about myself. Why do I keep doing that!?!
I’m shy, please don’t look at me (are you looking at me?).
Have you ever noticed how when we want to hide we may cover our eyes with our hands as though it activates our cloak of invisibility, but actually people can still see us (and now perhaps they think we’re strange because of it).
We want to hide, but what we’re really doing is hiding the world from ourselves rather than ourselves from the world.
This is my natal chart with today’s transits, btw, in case you’re interested in seeing a selfie of my astrological self:
One of the things I like about astrology, especially when you add transits, is that by looking at your chart you can see a snapshot of yourself when you were born (which is basically your very first selfie), you as you will sort of always be, yet, although in some ways we are always the same, we also are always changing.
Transits show you how the world around you is changing, and how it may be changing you… or something like that.
Looking at a chart with transits is like looking at yourself sitting still in a vehicle which is moving, the view outside is blurred by motion and sometimes seems to be moving when in actual fact you’re the one moving – that tree which just ran past the window, even though it sort of has legs in the form of roots and maybe it could run… it is standing perfectly still and you’re the one running past it, but sometimes it looks and feels like it is the other way around.
I’m supposed to be making sense today… is that happening, I can’t tell.
Oops… that’s a rather telling thing to say!
Forget today for a minute, let’s rewind to yesterday… oh, wait, that reminds me of something, let’s rewind to the day before yesterday while also rewinding to yesterday…
STOP! Ursula, you can’t do a flashback within a flashback, that is frigging confusing and you don’t like it when films do that sort of nonsense!
… It’s relevant…
What do you mean, “Flash Gordon approaching”?
This interruption in your irregular programming is brought to you by natal Mars in Scorpio square Mercury in Aquarius trine Uranus (which is the god of all my crazy, and that’s cool because it is ‘UR anus’… sigh! – that’s my Virgo stuff sighing, it’s always sighing at my other stuff).
Anyway… tum tee tum… where was I?
Oh, yes… terday!
I spent some time with a couple of awesome people… real people not the ones in my head – I had to keep reminding myself of that because there were so many uncanny connections between us that I did wonder if I was imagining them, and they didn’t seem to be in the slightest bit disturbed by how weird I am, and real people usually find me rather awkward to be around. I also felt so comfortable around them, and I’m usually a fidgeting, nervous, anxious bundle of space cadet when with new people – it takes me ages to feel relaxed around people (real people).
During the course of our interaction, they revealed a lot about themselves and I revealed a lot about myself… more than I’m usually comfortable doing.
It’s not that I’m trying to obfuscate who I am, I just… well, I used to be rather open and honest about myself, then I learned that it wasn’t a good idea for many varying reasons, so I started to hide more and more until I was pretty much just a door, closed, with a note on it saying – Hi, I’m… – and that’s about it. I didn’t bother adding my name to the note because remembering people’s names is not always what people remember about you, if they remember you at all.
Are you calling me darling?
One of the things I revealed was that I’m Ursula and I have this blog…
Ursula is a nickname (explained in the About page of this blog). I use a nickname to reveal myself rather than to hide, but there is some hiding involved in the use of an alias… especially when you’re revealing yourself.
It felt natural to reveal pretty much everything about myself to these wonderful people at the time, however, later… I did cringe a bit, especially at the idea that they might check out my blog and find out just what a fruit loop I am. I often tell people I’m weird, strange, crazy… they often don’t believe me because I look so normal (at least I try to look normal).
I have no idea if I really look normal, but from the way people who don’t know me react to me in the street – they don’t – I can logically conclude that I must be fairly normal looking.
As I was fussing a bit about having revealed so much of myself so quickly… yet not really fussing about it at all because I have nothing worth hiding (if I do then I’ve hid it from myself), and yet I sometimes want to hide everything… I recalled what had happened the day before yesterday.
My partner was surprised by something I disclosed to him about myself, about something that I do – At the end of a day I rewind the day and review it in detail. I usually don’t do it out loud, but I did, and I did it in front of him, and he gave me this look of bemusement. I thought he knew this about me… sometimes we do that, think people know stuff about us… he didn’t know this about me, even though he knows more than he probably wants to know about me (he knows my smells…).
When I first met him… he was one of those amazing people, like the people yesterday, with whom I blurt everything out right away.
Then I worry about having done it… but with people like them it usually works out fine, better than fine.
Sometimes you just have to let yourself do what you do, say what you say, be what you be and let life sort itself out however it does.
Break the silence, don’t let the silence break you… and if it does, then see what emerges. Everything happens so quickly, flies past the vehicle that is us, and yet we’re not sitting still watching it go by, we’re moving, ever-changing in our stillness… or something like that.