Hiding behind this blog, there is a person, a human being (who used to wonder if they were an alien), a people just like you (okay, not exactly like you… you can stop panicking).
The words you see in this post, come from the fingers of this person tapping out their thoughts and feelings onto a blank page, filling up the space with stuff.
Today, when I looked at the blank page… [Insert all thoughts and feelings all at once right here].
There is so much going on inside and outside of my messy self that my brain, my mind, whatever the thinky part which may or may not be conscious or consciousness is, looks like this:
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This is UR brain on the drug of you.
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I decided to check out my astrology chart to see if it could… add to my confusion which isn’t as confused as it thinks it is, and I came across this rather spot on interpretation:
“Under this influence you are likely to have a rather busy day communicating and engaging in exchanges with others… Your mind is sharper than usual today, and you are receptive to what others have to say. You express your thoughts in a way that is easily understood.
It is not an especially good day to relax, however, because the tempo of your life is likely to be rather brisk.
It is an appropriate day for working on puzzles or other mental games.”
– Robert Hand, Planets in Transit, Mercury conjunct Ascendant
It made me laugh… maybe in the same place you did, but only if you’re a regular reader of my posts… because of that bit and because I noticed that Robert Hand uses ‘rather’ a lot and so do I… I have no idea why I do, but since it’s a good day for solving puzzles…
Figuring out why I use ‘rather’ a lot isn’t quite as banal as it sounds… or maybe it is. I use ‘maybe’ a lot too, and ‘sort of’, ‘sometimes’, ‘in some ways’, ‘perhaps’, and many other words which for me express a certain uncertainty which isn’t as uncertain as it seems to be or something like that ( <– that is one of my favourite things to say and hide behind).
Oops…
I just revealed too much about myself. Why do I keep doing that!?!
I’m shy, please don’t look at me (are you looking at me?).
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I’m shy…
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Have you ever noticed how when we want to hide we may cover our eyes with our hands as though it activates our cloak of invisibility, but actually people can still see us (and now perhaps they think we’re strange because of it).
We want to hide, but what we’re really doing is hiding the world from ourselves rather than ourselves from the world.
This is my natal chart with today’s transits, btw, in case you’re interested in seeing a selfie of my astrological self:
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Look at all that soylent green stuff in the 12th house of hidden goop!
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One of the things I like about astrology, especially when you add transits, is that by looking at your chart you can see a snapshot of yourself when you were born (which is basically your very first selfie), you as you will sort of always be, yet, although in some ways we are always the same, we also are always changing.
Transits show you how the world around you is changing, and how it may be changing you… or something like that.
Looking at a chart with transits is like looking at yourself sitting still in a vehicle which is moving, the view outside is blurred by motion and sometimes seems to be moving when in actual fact you’re the one moving – that tree which just ran past the window, even though it sort of has legs in the form of roots and maybe it could run… it is standing perfectly still and you’re the one running past it, but sometimes it looks and feels like it is the other way around.
I’m supposed to be making sense today… is that happening, I can’t tell.
Oops… that’s a rather telling thing to say!
Forget today for a minute, let’s rewind to yesterday… oh, wait, that reminds me of something, let’s rewind to the day before yesterday while also rewinding to yesterday…
STOP! Ursula, you can’t do a flashback within a flashback, that is frigging confusing and you don’t like it when films do that sort of nonsense!
But…
NO!
… It’s relevant…
…
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What do you mean, “Flash Gordon approaching”?
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This interruption in your irregular programming is brought to you by natal Mars in Scorpio square Mercury in Aquarius trine Uranus (which is the god of all my crazy, and that’s cool because it is ‘UR anus’… sigh! – that’s my Virgo stuff sighing, it’s always sighing at my other stuff).
Anyway… tum tee tum… where was I?
Oh, yes… terday!
I spent some time with a couple of awesome people… real people not the ones in my head – I had to keep reminding myself of that because there were so many uncanny connections between us that I did wonder if I was imagining them, and they didn’t seem to be in the slightest bit disturbed by how weird I am, and real people usually find me rather awkward to be around. I also felt so comfortable around them, and I’m usually a fidgeting, nervous, anxious bundle of space cadet when with new people – it takes me ages to feel relaxed around people (real people).
During the course of our interaction, they revealed a lot about themselves and I revealed a lot about myself… more than I’m usually comfortable doing.
It’s not that I’m trying to obfuscate who I am, I just… well, I used to be rather open and honest about myself, then I learned that it wasn’t a good idea for many varying reasons, so I started to hide more and more until I was pretty much just a door, closed, with a note on it saying – Hi, I’m… – and that’s about it. I didn’t bother adding my name to the note because remembering people’s names is not always what people remember about you, if they remember you at all.
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Are you calling me darling?
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One of the things I revealed was that I’m Ursula and I have this blog…
Ursula is a nickname (explained in the About page of this blog). I use a nickname to reveal myself rather than to hide, but there is some hiding involved in the use of an alias… especially when you’re revealing yourself.
It felt natural to reveal pretty much everything about myself to these wonderful people at the time, however, later… I did cringe a bit, especially at the idea that they might check out my blog and find out just what a fruit loop I am. I often tell people I’m weird, strange, crazy… they often don’t believe me because I look so normal (at least I try to look normal).
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this is me trying to look normal… looks normal to me.
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I have no idea if I really look normal, but from the way people who don’t know me react to me in the street – they don’t – I can logically conclude that I must be fairly normal looking.
As I was fussing a bit about having revealed so much of myself so quickly… yet not really fussing about it at all because I have nothing worth hiding (if I do then I’ve hid it from myself), and yet I sometimes want to hide everything… I recalled what had happened the day before yesterday.
My partner was surprised by something I disclosed to him about myself, about something that I do – At the end of a day I rewind the day and review it in detail. I usually don’t do it out loud, but I did, and I did it in front of him, and he gave me this look of bemusement. I thought he knew this about me… sometimes we do that, think people know stuff about us… he didn’t know this about me, even though he knows more than he probably wants to know about me (he knows my smells…).
When I first met him… he was one of those amazing people, like the people yesterday, with whom I blurt everything out right away.
Then I worry about having done it… but with people like them it usually works out fine, better than fine.
Sometimes you just have to let yourself do what you do, say what you say, be what you be and let life sort itself out however it does.
Break the silence, don’t let the silence break you… and if it does, then see what emerges. Everything happens so quickly, flies past the vehicle that is us, and yet we’re not sitting still watching it go by, we’re moving, ever-changing in our stillness… or something like that.
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An Upturned Soul 
love this sharing Kat..and immense blessings for your journey this fine day on earth…Namaste’
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Thank you very much 🙂
I’m Ursula, btw, pleased to meet you!
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Namaste’ Ursula…My name is Deb…so nice to meet you😀
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What a great picture of you! Thanks for sharing it with us. 🙂
So much goes into our interpretations of others. If you feel messy or confused others may not see you like that at all. The layers of their own lives are piled on top of how they see you and (as you might say) what they are seeing is actually themselves. The classic example of this is how frustrating it can get for the police when 20 people see the same event but then give wildly different versions of it. In fact, eyewitness testimony is regarded as rather (yeah – I think I use that word a lot, too 😉 ) unreliable.
It’s wonderful when we make those effortless connections with others. And when your guard is down and you share so openly, it can cause a “remorse hangover.” I don’t see anything unusual about that and I think when one has had to be self-protective, this reaction would be pretty normal. And, (as you would probably point out 😉 ) they might be worried about how they appeared to you, maybe concerned that they shared too much, too.
Sometimes we have to take a chance, though. I hope this relationship continues to grow for you. You are so worth it. 🙂
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Thank you very much 🙂
Aw, shucks! ❤
I don't really think about myself when I'm in the company of others, I also don't think much further ahead than the now, I'm sort of just there in the moment, absorbing what is going on, who is there, exploring this fascinating world and those in it, and so a lot of stuff only occurs to me much later when I'm reviewing what went on.
My reviewing the day habit originally started due to needing to prompt my memory, I can be very absentminded (as a child I often forget I had homework to do because once I left school for the day I wasn't there anymore so anything connected to it got left behind with the place), but then it evolved to incorporate other things (like dealing with narcissists and constantly shifting reality), and it's also how I catch up with myself, process my thoughts and feelings.
My self consciousness is on a low hum when I'm not alone, usually all it does is remind me not to be too weird so as not to freak people out and make them uncomfortable, it also tends to check if I remembered to put on shoes, say please and thank you, reminds me where I am, and stuff like that, but when I'm alone the world outside goes silent and the volume on the world inside gets turned up to 11.
Blogging is a strange world in between being in company and being alone, sometimes I gasp at how much I talk about myself in my posts and in comments, and do it in public! GASP! Like right now… there's a whisper telling me to please stop going on about myself 😉
I was thinking a complicated thought about that earlier, about how much I've changed recently in my attitude towards talking about myself to others. The complicated part of that thought had to do with making connections backwards and forwards, upstairs and downstairs. One of the things I thought is – talking about ourselves in a certain way makes quite a good natural narc-repellant. My mother used to tell me that she liked talking to me because it was like talking to a wall, and I think that's what attracts narcs to me… happens less these days, perhaps because I've learned to talk.
You made me chuckle with how much you know what I would probably say… there are certain similarities between us which are wow and rather lovely, we have similar ways of expressing ourselves and thinking things through. And you are also a very keen observer and excellent listener. I think you'd make a great eyewitness… I definitely wouldn't.
The other day I saw a dead mouse in the garden and I was getting all poetic about it, my partner came out and I pointed out the dead mouse, he put his face right up to it and said – All I see is a pile of leaves. I got very stroppy, treated him like an idiot… and you can probably guess who the real idiot was. The 'mouse' was a leaf! He's having fun with that one, keeps bringing me leaves and asking me if we can keep the mouse 😉
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Thank you. 😀
There are certain similarities – I’ve been blown away by them at times. 🙂
I don’t know how good I would be as an eyewitness. I do have a tendency to zero in, but that comes with its own set of problems, too!
I don’t see anything wrong with talking about yourself – and as you say, it’s good narc repellent – I love learning about you, even if I can’t always remember everything and will probably ask you the same factual question 10 times. 🙂 What I remember best is how you think about things and process things, and your wisdom and insight and lively sense of humour. To me, those are the important things anyway. So don’t gasp. 🙂
This online world is funny. I’ve said things here that I haven’t even said to my dear M, and he knows me better than anyone. Taking the time to think things through before writing, mulling over what’s been said – there’s something very therapeutic about it, as opposed to an in-person conversation where I’m trying to catch up and words just disappear into the air.
The “dead mouse.” Hahaha. 🙂 It will probably take you a long time to live that one down. 🙂 But it’s those events that can be so good about a good relationship. Your partner taking you out of yourself and making you laugh at yourself. He sounds like a wonderful person. 🙂
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Thank you very much 🙂
It’s weird when people remember facts about me… I tend to freak out a bit when they do. I never expect anyone to remember me, and I sort of rely on that to ease my shyness. It’s also a child of narc thing. You spend so much time not existing that when someone notices you exist… and it’s worrisome when people notice you exist because when narcissists notice that… hell is about to rain down on you. It’s always a bit worrying… takes a while to remember that it’s okay for people to know things about you, and it’s definitely okay for people not to remember facts about you. They’re just facts and that sort of thing is superficial most of the time even if it is what it is.
The facts about us change and we shift, as our lives change and change us. Although some things stay the same, which can be quite nice. I’m still a redhead now, but it’s starting to turn white, so one day (if I live that long) I’ll be a whitehead.
Besides I forget facts about people all of the time, so it would be hypocritical to expect others to remember what I can’t remember.
Basically all I really need for others to remember about me is that I’m human like they are – not exactly the same, sometimes maybe a bit messier, occasionally tidier (which surprises me too), similar but different and both are human.
It’s a really relaxing feeling to just be ourselves even when it makes us nervous, that kind of nervous is more thrilling than chilling 🙂
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Hi anupturnedsoul, I just read your most recent blog, you are speaking about me, Kat is my “internet” name, I am not on facebook, I keep any friends at a distance, learnt long ago not to let anyone close who “I can do without”. I also tend to write alternative words or phrases for spaced by a “…./…” as if I am covering my bases. This is what a N does, they teach you to not trust anyone and to cover your “a..e” with anything you do. To be an over achiever as nothing less is acceptable. Feeling from another planet is definately true, but it is ok, you do learn to cope as you need to survive and at the end of the day, it is ok, I am happy with who I am, honest, loyal, hardworking, kind, funny, definately not precise, yes I like myself!
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Thank you very much for sharing 🙂
That’s very true, narcissists do teach you not to trust people, and the lesson is a rounded one, as it encompasses not just them and the way they are, but also includes the way they show you how others are, how others can be turned against you just with a few words from the narcissist, or how that others buy into the facade. They also teach you not to trust yourself in several different ways.
One of the reasons I enjoy using astrology is because it’s a means of ascertaining whether something I do is natural to me or something I’ve adopted due to growing up with narcissists.
What I said in this post reflects both growing up with narcissists and also my astrology chart. It’s strange, perhaps even without narcissists in my life I would have been this way. It’s impossible to know, but it doesn’t really matter, what matters is who we are now and how we feel, think and approach it.
In some ways narcissists force us to take the time and make a concerted effort to really get to know ourselves, and find our own name rather than settle for the one they gave us, rather than settle for the identity they gave us.
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Love your pics… you look pretty normal to me and is that your cat? Looking gorgeous
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Thank you very much 🙂 Yes, that’s my cat (although I think I’m its human).
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Dogs have masters, cats have servants. I lost my two elderly cats (brother and sister) last year, it’s still hard to come to terms with
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Losing a friend who is as close to us as our ‘pets’… is a hard and fast loss which will always be felt deeply as they’re not ‘pets’, they are those who love us and accept us as we are, not as we pretend to be or anything like that, they give to us in a way which humans never do because humans are too human and complicated.
I may be about to ‘adopt’ a friend’s cat, and I’m so worried about my cat and their cat getting along, feeling comfortable, and a million other things, such as wanting to reassure my friend that their cat will be loved and respected as I know my friend is struggling with the impending separation, that I’ve almost completely forgotten about myself and that I should be a nervous wreck about the situation which is prompting this which entails a big life change.
Sometimes it’s not really possible to come to terms with loss, however, you can honour that which came before, the gifts given, the lessons taught, and the incredible feeling of loving acceptance of you as you are.
I’m not really good at saying the right things to people, so I hope this is okay.
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You do a pretty good job at saying the right things to me, thank you.
Yikes, a new cat, it will be stressful, but it will settle in time, of course. I would be heartbroken for the cat losing its owner and your friend must be devastated, I would die!
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Thank you 🙂
I would also not be able to deal with parting with my cat. However part of the reason for adopting the cat is so they can be reunited at a later date, hopefully for them it won’t be a long separation. In the meantime lots of love will be applied and supplied to everyone involved.
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I loved this and then I looked at your chart and saw transiting Uranus just moving back over your Saturn in Aries in the eighth house and that spoke to me, but not in any way I feel totally confident of expressing here. I guess maybe it related to spontaneity and how the squashing of it seems to be related to being raised by narcissists, when Uranus goes through the eighth it seems to bring a time when we have to let the repressed out come what may. Better to be the real us and be rejected for that (if we can survive) than pretend and get lost.
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Thank you very much 🙂
That’s an inspiring interpretation, much appreciated! I tend to see t-Uranus as being a bit like a kid, a force of nature, with a lot of energy who tears (really slowly) through each house causing chaos, some of that chaos is liberating especially if you decide to join in and run around too. Since t-Uranus got into Aries, especially when it opposed natal Uranus it’s pretty much been grabbing me by the hand and saying – come on let’s play, life is fun if you let yourself go, let yourself just be as is.
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This is beautiful picture of you. I’m surprised you braved it.
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Thank you very much 🙂
What do you mean about being surprised that I braved it? In what way? I’m curious.
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Most of what I’ve seen are hidden images of you. This one is far more up close and personal. Especially coming from a self-proclaim shy introvert. Don’t get me wrong, you’re extremely beautiful and in more ways than just visual. I was just surprised in a good way. It’s nice to see you’re not editing yourself as much. Rock on!
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That’s intriguing, thanks for answering my question 🙂
For me any pic I post of myself is a challenge to my shyness, which is partly why I share pics of myself. I like to challenge my comfort zones. It took me ages to get myself to use my own face for my avatar, once I did it though it felt liberating. The editing I do is mostly when I’m trying to capture an idea, a concept, the pic is no longer a selfie but a form of creative expression. If I see the pic as a selfie, then I agree with you, it’s nice to keep it natural. Although it’s kind of fun to mess around with it in photoshop because there are all these amazing filters and effects, and since I don’t wear make up or bother doing much with my looks in RL, it’s fun to do stuff with it in a photo just to see what happens 😉
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If I said the sky was blue, you’d say it was blue-grey. Just take the compliment. You’re still extremely beautiful without photoshop. I know you don’t try, and that’s what makes you beautiful.
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Thank you very much 🙂
There, I accepted the compliment properly!
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😛 😀
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