What is Love?

What is love?

Do you know what love is?

Can love be defined?


Love defined.

What’s the first thought or feeling which pops into your mind or heart when you think about love?

Or who is the first person who comes to mind or heart?

Is it someone else? Are you allowed to love them? Do they also love you? Are they allowed to love you?

Is your love for them unconditional or attempting to be unconditional but… it has smallprint?

Is your love for them or their love for you something which frees you or binds you?

Does it give wings or clip them?

Love… who is love?


proof of love


Is it you? Do you love yourself? Are you allowed to love yourself? And if you do happen to love yourself, do others allow you to do so?

I started writing this post a few days ago as part of my recent series – Some Sort of Series. Usually I don’t bother with drafts, because if something becomes a draft… it’s going to get deleted. I prefer writing freestyle, which basically means I create a new post and express whatever is on my mind, in my heart, without thinking about it. I express myself freely then press publish…

Shout, shout, let it all out…



… deal with the consequences of free self-expression later.

This is a new habit for me. It still doesn’t quite fit… but it fits better than what I used to wear and do.

I used to worry so much about how others would read what I write, would interpret what I do, would hear what I say that… it usually ended up with me censoring and deleting everything about myself because… when you try to please (or control through being pleasing) others, you end up having to erase your own self-pleasure for them to have self-pleasure.

Please be aware that I grew up in a highly narcissistic environment, everything is exaggerated in that territory.


madman storyI’ve never considered myself sane, thanks in part to the narcissists in my life who made even something as ordinary and normal as a bowel movement seem insane (not sanitary).


To make others enjoy your company there,  to endure what it takes to make others love you… you may have hate yourself in the process.

Little miss or mister paper cut may need you to treat their paper cut as though it is a knife to the jugular, they will not love you if you tell them that they’ve just got a paper cut and need to get over it. Compared to many others int his world, their paper cut is a triviality for which they should feel lucky that it’s the most serious injury they’ve ever had. They will hate you for pointing that out, and may stab you in the jugular for it, then expect you not to bleed to death, especially on their saintly whites, about it.

Mind you, if you’ve been stabbed in the gut and are dying form that wound, a narcissist will tell you that it is just a paper cut so get over it… they’ve got a far more important wound (a thorn in their pinky finger) which needs emergency services stat!


Your job according to a narcissistThis is your reason to exist according to a narcissist.


They judge us harshly, but it is for own own good… or so they tell us.

And so we tell ourselves when we judge ourselves harshly.

We all do that kind of thing (except narcissists who only pretend to do it, can can pretend veyr effectively as to make it seem more real than when it is real) – judge ourselves harshly. We learn to do that fairly early on in life because… other people do it with themselves, due to other people doing it to them and teaching them to do it to themselves, and therefore to others… like us.

Our parents do it with themselves and pass that on to us. They may not mean to, but they do.

And because we judge ourselves harshly – we judge others harshly. We have a wound and we pass it on. We may not want to or mean to, but we do.


This Be The Verse - Philip Larkin


Because we don’t love ourselves… we get a bit perplexed when others love themselves.

Something I said recently while having a thought-provoking comment-chat on this blog:

When we meet someone who seems to love themselves… we often get annoyed with them for it. Who do they think they are!?! When we say that ‘someone is in love with themselves’, we don’t tend to mean it as a compliment, and we’re often not happy for them. We may even decide to take them down a peg or two by trying to make them feel bad about loving themselves. Yet we’re always telling people that they should love themselves more, because it also annoys us when people don’t love themselves.

In other words – Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

That is the human way. Or at least we tend to get taught that this is the human way from day one of being human. Your birth mother was in pain when she gave birth to you. Ergo – giving and receiving life = giving and receiving pain. Is that love?

If our very first taste of the lust for life is one of pain… intertwined with a certain pleasure… then, must our love for life also include pain?


Flames - colormonochromatic


Love is one of the first words, feelings, and ideas about which we learn, and from that moment on it becomes the thread which binds life together.

Love makes the world go round until we’re all dizzy, crazy in love with love.

We sprinkle it liberally in our conversations, daydream about it in our imagination, let it motivate us, inspire us, push us to cover the everything in hearts – hearting it.

The ever elusive heart… chase me, it taunts.

Artists of the heart passionately pay homage to it. There are poems, songs, stories, films, paintings, and many other creations which have love in their title, as their theme.

We sometimes fall in love with characters who represent our ideals of love…


Mr. Darcy... colin firthAhhh… Mr. Darcy, the most boring man on earth in some ways, yet oh so attractively passionate in his boring lovedoveness.


We never cease to try to capture it, express it, hold onto it, chase it, and other pursuits. We build empires of longing upon it. We idolise it and pay tribute to it hoping it will grace us with its blessings.

We hate it for making us want it, for eluding us, for teasing and tantalising, for breaking our hearts, for rejecting us, for making us feel melancholic when it goes, for its unrequited agony, and for being frightened of it when it stays… as it could go away at any moment.

But what is love?

It’s the one idea which is most likely to be perceived differently by every person you meet, and this is sometimes the cause of battles, arguments, and the falling out of love with someone we once loved due to irreconcilable differences about our view of what love is.


language of love


Love, for some, is a doing word. They don’t want to hear professions of undying love, they want to see it in action. Don’t give them flowery speeches about how much you love them, how you love their this and that, they want you to show them through a feat of love. Show them the love!

It doesn’t always have to be grand, or planned, it can also be through everyday acts of loving.

A foot massage when their feet are tired, dirty and smelly – that should do it, but do it with a smile on your face and don’t complain or their feet will feel rejected, and so will they.


Smiling love - fitzgerald


Love, for some, is a conversation piece. They love talking about love, hearing themselves wax lyrical about their love, how deeply they love, how their heart yearns and aches for love, how beautiful it is, and all their hopes and dreams for what it should be, could be, will one day be when they find the perfect love.

Don’t upset the speakers of love with issues about doing love, walking their talk, as they see their speaking of love as doing it – Talking is doing with words.

When they tell you about how they want to whisk you away to an island paradise, where your every footstep will be greeted with rose petals, and your every wish will be granted… they’re whisking you away as they talk, to a land of imagination where everything is possible and they control it all, and control you too while you’re in their dream of a day.

Don’t expect them to actually do any of this ever, don’t spoil their dreams of love with reality, don’t let them feel that they’ve disappointed you as their talk of love might turn into some other kind of talk. If they suddenly do what they’ve been going on about for ages, let that be a giant gasp-inducing experience which is thrilling rather than a reason to remind them that they never do anything, this is out of character for them – Are they dying? – and it proves they could have done all those other things they said they would do but never did. That’s the quickest way of turning a dream into a nightmare.


Mooning over Love


Love, for some, is sensory. Not in words, not in doing, but in being. You don’t have to say anything, do anything, they know from the way you look at them, touch them, feel, seem. They sense your love. They touch it, taste it, feel it, see it, hear it, and intuit it from your vibrations.

Be there when they need you, be not there when they don’t need you. Be there by their side because that lets them know that they are loved, just don’t be there when they don’t want you to be there, when they need to be alone, but don’t go too far away either, they don’t want to be that kind of alone. That let’s them know they are loved.

Bring them a flower you found growing through a crack in the pavement. Or better still take a picture of it but don’t pluck it, because plucking it might upset them due to killing it to do so. Tell them that it spoke to you about them, their strength, their uniqueness…

… and it also told you to buy them their favourite treat which they never buy themselves because it is a sin… a delicious indulgence of the senses which respects such things.


Dreamy love - Z fitzgerald


When did you first become aware of love?

Can you remember that day when a heart shape suddenly meant so much more?

I have to admit I have no idea when I first became aware of love as a concept. I’d heard the word, it was used a lot in my family as both my parents were talkers, and talked about love, but I hadn’t really thought about what it meant. Usually when the word love was used…

It had a condition attached.

I love you – mow the lawn.

Or a criticism.

I love that colour – but you look awful in it.

Or emotional blackmail.

If you really loved me you would – chop off your nose to spite your face.

My father’s favourite ode to love was – Those who love me will follow me (… into this pit of fire, but you go first I have to tie my shoelace).

My mother’s favourite love song was – Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going out into the garden to eat worms (hint, hint, cue, cue… for you to cater to her poor little me and let her know she was loved, everyone loved her, how could they not she was so cute!).

My favourite image of love was – Running around wild and free (possibly starkers, definitely barefoot) at one with nature (… terrorising it with my enthusiasm and curiosity).


the untamed - ariana


My family wasn’t a particularly fertile soil for rich and nourishing love to grow. However, twisted and tortured love grew aplanty (no, that wasn’t a deliberate typo, and I was going to fix it, but then I fell in love with it).

I learned early on that love was about – buying and selling love.

Want to be loved? Provide a service to meet a demand. Supply your customers with what they want, what they think they love, and they will love you (until they have a complaint).

My love was always being bought. It was often sold too on my behalf. No wonder I never had any in stock!


Austin Osman Spare


I recall several instances where my child self was ordered to do something in the name of bought and sold love… my parents wanted me to love someone who was a stranger to me, sit on their lap, kiss their ass, cater to their ego for the sake of my parents, when the very thought of it disgusted me – thank the gods which protect feral children. I said no, and gladly suffered the punishment of it, even though it was unfair in my view.

I did learn that my view was irrelevant. That the eyes of a child are often poked out with hot irons by adults who prefer to be blind, or at least prefer for their children to be blind to the crimes which adults, especially those we’re supposed to trust, commit on behalf of their quest to be loved by all and sundry rather than by those who truly matter.


narcissist parents


I did end up absorbing a lot of their unhealthy teachings about love.

I mimicked the example set for me by my loving parents, and went about buying the love of others by selling love. My first sale and purchase that I can recall happened in kindergarten.

I was thrown into this kindergarten due to my parents needing to get rid of me while they lived and worked abroad for a few months.

I often wondered why they had bothered having a child (I found that out later)…


Why narcissists have children - seth meyersextract via Narcissistic Parents… by Seth Meyers


… since they were always palming me off to strangers.

I used to get attached to those strangers as they sometimes gave me affection and seemed to like me (see love is really quite simple), but this didn’t sit well with my parents. They didn’t want me around but they didn’t want anyone else to want me around either, and they definitely didn’t want me giving my love to others – they were my parents, they were the only ones I was allowed to love. This was an issue with our pets too, mostly because the pets belonged to my parents and were supposed to love them and not me or anyone else regardless of the treatment they were given and the natural consequences of that.

Kindergarten was weird for me because up until then I had had limited access to other children, I spent most of my time with adults and knew how to behave around them, but around other children… they tended to see me as being weird. And I was weird. The first week I was the weirdo in the corner…

But the weirdo in the corner knew how to make the corner seem like the place to be. I became a pusher of the drug which appeals to children – sugar!

I became the Candyman.



It was fun being loved for being the Candyman who always can… provide the sugar which others crave and love you for catering to their sweet tooth. Just don’t run out of candy… or don’t be around when you do run out!

I went in a different direction after that experience… that experience put me off developing into a sociopath with narcissistic tendencies, which kind of screwed me up as I went against the new societal push towards being the king of feeding the greed is good tide.

I coulda been a contender…

… instead I became the outsider who never could win because I kept hoping that love would come from something other than giving people what they desperately craved to have, and using that need to become the king of their pain and perhaps queen of their pleasure.


Devilish disguise


I didn’t want to make my fortune (or build my ego up) based on supplying desperation with the means to keep being desperate… so I could keep being fortunate by profiting form the desperation of others, pretending to offer a miracle cure for desperation alleviation or anything along those lines.

I did not exist for the sake of others, even though my parents seem to be determined to ram that point home to me – for their sake anyway. I forced my birth onto to them apparently as babies do, the least I could do was make up for the inconvenience by viewing myself as an extension of them as they viewed me. A pariah who had to win their approval from the get go which would be impossible as from the get go I was not wanted, and make up to them for the crime and sin of being born to them. Or something like that.


narcissistic traits


I didn’t want to be a narcissist… like they were even before I knew the term ‘narcissist’. I didn’t want to be a narcissist when being a narcissist was encouraged, valued and worshiped… not just in my family but in society at large.

When I was emerging from the nucleus of family into the greater nucleus of society… it just happened to coincide with the rampant love of all thing narcissist.

Oh, how we loved those who embodied the love of Me Me Me, and said eff you to loving You You You… our icons were selfish, arrogant, egomaniacs. We loved them because we wanted to be like them!

We may deny that now…

… we forget that was so easily when wrapped up in what is…

… we’re all about Empathy now, and caring for the You You You which is actually Me Me Me – stop making it all about you, make it all about me! I’m being all empathic and shit about you, appreciate it or I’ll get all upset and sensitive about it and make you pay for it by branding you a narcissist!


problem - jonathan MeadThere’s nothing easy about that!


The old order changeth, yielding place to… a new version of the old order sometimes…

We’re still being as human as ever, making others responsible for what we don’t want to be responsible for, for what’s bothering us. Wanting others to help us love what we don’t love about ourselves… while others hope we’ll do the same for them.

These days being a narcissist is considered the worst thing you could be, we’re quick to brand others with this label, but loathe to empathise with such a status…

…and being the opposite way is considered to be quite a good thing…

… but are we really the opposite or… are we just seeing what we want to see…



… we love love as long as it reflects the best of us back at us, as long as it does what we need it to do to feed and nourish us, but what happens when it asks us to accept the worst of us and love that too?

What is love?


37 thoughts on “What is Love?

  1. Hello! 🙂 I was ill again so am catching up again. 🙂 There’s been a lot of that lately. 🙂

    A great post. 🙂 I see love as showing, as well. The sayers are just … well, sayers. They can say anything.

    A lot of bargaining occurred when I was growing up, too. I’ll do this for you and then you can repay me by loving me, which usually means payback … Thinking about it now makes my brain hurt.


    1. Hello 😀

      Take good care of your beautiful self ❤

      It makes the brain hurt and exhausts the heart, so many stipulations, conditions, drama, making something simple and lovely into a complicated 'mare!

      A cat purring, a dog rolling around in the mud, a flower opening and a bee collecting some pollen from it, a wave on a beach… that's my idea of love. Nature just being nature and doing natural love of life.


  2. yesterday, dr. phil interviewed a woman who’s baby had been cut from her body by another woman. the woman lured the victim to her house using craig’s list, claiming she had baby clothes to sell. when the victim arrived at the woman’s house, they talked for a long while. the woman did not seem to want the victim to leave. finally, the victim told the woman that she really had to leave. the woman then attacked the victim. just before her abdomen was cut, the victim (in an attempt to escape) said to the woman, “why are you doing this? i love you.” the woman replied, “if you loved me, you’d let me do this”.

    i thought to myself, “if you loved me, you’d let me do this” could be the mantra for all narcissists. if ever a statement captured their inner workings…


      1. jborn…right on! That statement does capture their inner workings in a nutshell. I recall telling my ex narc “I love you” many times when she said or did something that violated me. It was my natural response to feeling invaded on and I think in many ways it was a reaction on my end since I’d never had anyone do what she was doing to me. In the end I think it protected me- as it made her stop or retreat but looking back it was a “test.” She would test me a lot. And of course it was usually done when I was impaired (drunk). So now I tend to listen to when I say I love you to people. I have realized that sometimes we say I love you when we are threatened- just like that lady did on Dr. Phil. It’s almost like saying “what are you doing…you are hurting me.” When it’s someone you trusted and know well, it is even more painful. It’s almost like I was saying “I love myself, so stay back.” I am thankful I have self love- it protected me in many ways.

        Ursula- agree, Dr. Phil annoys the shit out of me.


        1. i’m not a big dr. phil fan, either. i will watch him when his guests interest me. i wanted to hear the woman’s story. it was textbook. she was this soft-spoken, big-hearted, open, innocent type person. she kept saying that the “little voice” inside her kept warning her, but, she didn’t want to believe anything was wrong. at the end of the show, she talked about her struggle to remain true to who she is in light of her experience. textbook. i really like to watch true crime type shows when the predator seems as though they might be narcish. i guess it helps me with my own experience.

          the virgo in me would also like everyone to know that i do know the difference between “who’s” and “whose”:) i posted my comment before i noticed my mistake.

          olivebranch -yup. i have been “tested” many times by the narcs in my life. based on my experiences with narcs, “i love you” was probably the (for lack of a better word) “wrong” thing to say at that moment. not that i’m blaming her. i know she was just trying anything to escape. but, sometimes, narcs get (even more) pissed when you say that, or, any other endearing thing to them. they take it as though you’re pitying them, or condescending to them. of course, they take it that way because they know whatever f’ed up thing they’re doing to you is f’ed up.


          1. So true-“they know whatever f’ed up thing they’re doing to you is f’ed up”…so when you tell them you love them, they can’t understand why. Well that’s enough to make a sane person feel insane. It’s so twisted.
            I like to watch true crime shows too. I can now relate to the characters, as before I would just watch and think “where the f’ do these people come from?” Ha ha…I’m one of them. That humbles you pretty quickly.


          2. I agree, those sort of shows can be very insightful, and informative, you can often find pieces of your own story, see things from a detached perspective and get a new angle on an issue.

            I like watching the TV series Catfish, as it has many narc elements to it – someone pretending to be someone else, while someone else ignores red flags, etc. It also shows that not all behaviour which seems narcissistic is narcissistic. I like the way the show is done, it’s not too exploitative, and Max and Nev try to be compassionate, considerate, and give people the opportunity to tell their side of the story.

            One of the most interesting books I read on true crime was by John Douglas about the FBI’s profiling unit, as he discussed how they evolved their profiles, and how they learned what they look for.

            Have you read – The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

            What we’re drawn to is what something inside of us knows has something for us, something which will give us another piece of our puzzle. Keep following your instincts, always 🙂


            1. No I haven’t, my friend did and mentioned it to me awhile back. Not really sure why I didn’t get it then- I read a lot. I think I recall looking at book reviews on it and thought it looked good but for some reason I wasn’t super interested- I maybe at the time was trying to read more on different subjects unrelated to that stuff (as I had read so much on that kind of stuff that I needed to put my attention elsewhere.) I will plan to get it now and the FBI book too. I read a book about police interrogations and tactics on determining if someone was lying to you. That was interesting. The last chapter of the book was about using hypnotic methods to get the truth out of someone- the author premised this section with a warning that these techniques need to be used with caution. Reading it creeped me out, my friend used similar stuff on me. The techniques involved changing the tone of voice used and repetitive statements or key words that were also used with a specific body movement to trigger a person to confess etc. It’s taping into the areas of the brain that most of us are not aware of consciously. Makes you realize how amazing our minds are!

              I think I was a FBI agent in a past life- I love figuring shit out…the “why?” of things. She liked this about me too- because in many ways I’m unrelenting and easily persuaded to follow a new lead (or lie in her case). But in the end the lies lead to dead ends and pretty soon the detour signs point to the real issue at hand. Detours aren’t so bad until you realize the destination was made up. Now how I got on that image of dead end and detour signs I have no clue- I’m annoying, ha


              1. olivebranch – yup. twisted. ties your brain up in knots. oy…just makes me tired.

                ursula – will definitely check out the gift of fear. i watched catfish the movie, in which nev told his own story. it was really well done. i felt so badly for him.

                have you guys ever watched “snapped”? oh, man…narc goldmine! there’s a channel here that shows marathons. i’m glued to it each time. i recently saw a pretty good episode of “law and order: svu”, in which there was a mother with borderline personality disorder. it was extreme, and dramatic, and everything, but, it was still a good depiction of what the relationship is like, imo. the episode was called “home”. it was from season 5.


  3. i love your questions and I find that the most popular way to mean love is ,as you say, buying and selling.
    It’s very sad that one that you are screwed by your Nparents you are cursed for life in your love Relationship, of course i am talking for myself. It’s such a heavy burden to carry; yesterday a friend of mine told me that “If this clear idea of what healthy love is exists inside of you, it means that it is possible to find it.It wouldn’t exist inside otherwise.”.but i am not really convinced about that, it sounds as the logic to prove the existence of God in St thomas Aquinas’ world. What do you reckon? i find difficult to believe in what i don’t experience and “belief” is a word closer to religion than to reality.


    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      In some ways being screwed up about love by my N parents encouraged me to explore the concept of love. To figure out what love meant to me, what I thought it was, felt it was, and how it affected my relationships. I sort of used my parents as the reference point for everything love was not, and worked from there.

      I’ve read many books about love, my favourite is Thomas Moore’s Soul Mates: Honouring the Mystery of Love and Relationships. There’s an interesting article he wrote along those lines – https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199403/soul-mates

      Narcissists make a legendary quest out of love, they always place themselves in the position of the prince or princess in the ivory tower, they are love personified according to them, but their love is very special and can only be granted to those worthy of it – so, you’re always placed in the position on having to win their love by feats of self sacrifice.

      Narcissists tend to equate obsession with great love. Obsession is obsession, and contains much which is destructive to love, it is possessive, aggressive, controlling, ego-driven. It’s all about what they want. It is also overly idealistic, perfectionistic, and can’t handle reality.

      As a child of narcissists you are ‘loved’ only as a possession, and your job is to make them feel ‘loved’ which means that you’re given a Sisyphean task as the narcissist does not love themselves and so your task is to make someone who doesn’t love themselves, love themselves and they fight you every step of the way and can’t allow you to win.

      I think your friend is right. The proof of what they said is in the fact that you wouldn’t have suffered so much because of your parents if healthy love did not exist within you. If healthy love did not exist within you, you’d have accepted their unhealthy version of love and probably become a narcissist yourself. But you didn’t and that made your experience harder for you – to keep your healthy love safe and sacred you endured more grief because they wanted you to embrace unhealthy love as your one and only true god.

      You’re far healthier than you give yourself credit for being. You’re not as screwed up as you think you are, on the contrary, you’re not the screwed up one, your parents were/are. You were cursed by cursed beings – see them as they truly are and then you can put the burden down.

      “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke


      1. “Narcissists make a legendary quest out of love, they always place themselves in the position of the prince or princess in the ivory tower, they are love personified according to them, but their love is very special and can only be granted to those worthy of it – so, you’re always placed in the position on having to win their love by feats of self sacrifice.”

        this is so well said.


        1. TY 🙂

          Understanding that helped me to just quit trying to win the love of my parents, especially my mother. It was just this endless frigging never-ending quest… for what exactly? Ultimate exhaustion?


            1. TY 🙂 My father every time! My mother too! Always some reason why you have to jump off a cliff for them, which they’ll jump off too… just not now because of some excuse.

              Have you ever seen Pandora and The Flying Dutchman, there’s one scene in it which is totally Narc:


              1. can’t believe he did it!!! but, then again, of course i can. aw, man. stephen’s in for a whole universe of pain! poor dude. what he needs is a big, ol’ bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, and a good year, or so, to clear his head:) so interesting that she said, “…or do you hate me now?”. great example of a narcissist’s (narcissistic) awareness.

                seems like a really good movie. i love tcm.


                1. It’s a wonderful film, I saw it when I was in my late teens when I was in love with old movies, and that scene in particular… I have never forgotten it or how I felt the moment he pushed the car over the edge. It hit home very hard, but at the same time I didn’t get what I needed to get from it… perhaps that’s one of the reason it got stuck in my head.

                  When I was younger I used to see my story in films and scenes like that, but I tended to get caught up in wanting the characters to do things differently, wanting the scene to rewind and play out in a different way. I wanted the films and the characters in them to do what I wasn’t doing.

                  Rebecca (1940) is another film which struck a chord, I think I may have read the book as well, but it was the film which stayed with me, especially the part where this dead woman rules over everyone from beyond the grave. My mother was always using her dead mother in various ways to maintain her control over me.

                  Old movies did narcissists and sociopaths in such a stunningly impacting manner, they could get a whole world on meaning across with just one look, with just the right lighting and a few well chosen words. There are a few which for me capture that kind of psychology and its effect on others so succinctly that those scenes are forever embedded in my mind.

                  I saw an intriguing and very twisted psychological thriller/horror film the other night – Starry Eyes (2014) – which captures Narcissism really well. Really, really well… it’s disturbingly accurate. There was this one scene when the starlet is in the producers office and what he says to her…

                  Look at the film/TV clips which your mind has collected, and ask yourself – why did I keep this and what does it say for me? It’s an insightful exercise.


                  1. “rebecca”! i own that film. i love it.

                    my mother used her dead mother on me, as well. her mother died when she was nine. she would say things to me like, “you make me angry because you have parents and don’t appreciate it.” i should shut up and take her abuse because, hey, at least she’s not dead. i could never have actually said what i really wanted to say in response to this. ( i know you know what i mean.) my parents’ dead parents are definitely ruling them from their graves.

                    what’s been really insightful (and frighteningly surreal) for me, is to go back and watch films (listen to music, read books) that i loved and was drawn to before i learned about my parents and npd. it’s like, “oh my god! that’s why i was so drawn to this.” for a long time, my absolute favorite song was “i put a spell on you” by nina simone. i mainly loved it because of her delivery, but then, i really listened to the words. i still love the song, but, it creeps me out a little now. that’s the sad thing about going back and examining the things you loved before – although it’s extremely insightful, the way you love those things is different now.


                    1. That happened to me the other day with a silly song I liked as a child, I looked up the lyrics and was startled by them because I’d only ever bothered with the chorus.

                      Most of the books, films, songs, etc, which I liked as a child all had to do with escaping confinement of some sort, or trying to break free from some kind of trap.

                      Have you ever watched Sleuth (the 1972 version) – it’s a brilliant film about the twisted games people play.

                      It’s fascinating to find out just how much you know and really understand. It’s an important experience to come face to face with your own knowledge, this knowing you’ve had all along and are now allowing yourself to know. It creates a deep bond with the you now and the you then.

                      I still get surprised chills by how much my child self knew and how clearly she understood the situation.


  4. Yea, Johnny Cash! Pain is definitely addictive, and unfortunately attached to love. It’s difficult to separate the two for most. Love will be defeated none the less.


    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Love is supposed to conquer all – Amor Vincit Omnia – however, first we have to figure out what love is, and that’s a complicated thing to do as, like you said, love is tied up with other things.


  5. I love what you were saying about loving yourself and the reactions to it. How we judge if someone loves himself. To love yourself is so important and yet we label it as something negative… Thought provoking indeed…


    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      It’s wonderful to be around someone who feels good about themselves, especially when they infect us with their feel good and make us feel good about ourselves too. However, it can be unsettling if we don’t feel good about ourselves to be with someone who does, and rather than them lifting us up with the feel goods, we may react in a way which drags them down into the feel bads, and then we may feel even worse because we did that. Unless we’re the kind of person who does the whole ‘misery loves company’ thing.

      The more we encourage others to love themselves, the more we feel good about ourselves, but it isn’t always easy to do that, especially when the media tends to bombard us with mixed messages.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. your tagline, and the photo above it, always reminds me of the song “climbing up the walls” by radiohead. one of my favorite songs. it always runs through my head when i arrive at your homepage.


  6. Love is…. when you realize you’ve bonded to someone… female, male, animal, vegetable…you realize that you will do everything in your power…. to show it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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