The Laws, Rules, and Usual Mistakes of Attraction

on the verge

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I find myself incredibly attracted to an idea, which has the potential to be both a wonderful opportunity and a (or an) usual mistake… which is it? Could it be both?

Whenever I am in the grip of an attraction, either to a person or an idea, or even better – a person who has given me an idea – I tend to get overexcited, and in that condition my logic (if I had any to begin with) gets buried under a pile of enthusiasm.

I over…. do everything!

Or I under do it (which is another way to overdo it) because I over did it… and I’m either too exhausted to get psyched because I’ve used up all my energy or trying to be cautious because of what came before…

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INTP-ismsActually there is an in between… as INTP’s don’t like absolutes.

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One of the beautiful souls, olivebranch, who has been brave enough to comment on my blog…

[I do appreciate it, your bravery… as I realise I’m a fruit loop, one of those fruit loops who can be quite intense and therefore perhaps scary at times. Maybe that’s what attracts you to me, but may also make me unattractive at times.

What attracts can also put us off… the taboo says BOO!

I’m also one of those who often doesn’t comment on blogs because… it’s quite a daunting thing to do, especially if you think you’re a fruit loop…]

… asked a question:

What type of people are you most attracted to now?

I’ve taken the question out of context for the moment.

It inspired all sorts of ideas, and answers as well as questions, in me.

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purpose of the bruises of life

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And being a blogger, as well as the sort of person who loves to dig and delve ’til after twelve, midnight, and further into the darkest of dark, into the shadows, the uncomfortable silence, the dark night of the soul, my own mess… searching for something, perhaps a light… this is the kind of question I find very attractive.

I find those who ask this kind of question attractive…

But what is attraction? What does it mean? What does it do? What purpose does it serve?

That’s what the series I’m creating – The Mistakes of Attraction – is based upon and attempting to explore, or … something like that.

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how many roads do you see?

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Why do you read my posts, follow my blog?

Do you find me attractive?

If yes, why?

If no, then why are you here?

Perhaps one post drew you to this place… what was it about that post which attracted you?

What does your attraction to others, in whatever form, tell you about yourself?

And while you’re considering that, what about the things which you find unattractive… what do they reveal about you?

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busy not doing that

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I’m inviting you to participate in this series and exploration of attraction in all of its forms…

Question is, are you attracted to the idea of openly participating or are you attracted to the idea of observing from a safe distance what will unfold?

What attracts you? Why? And so on…

Someone whose blog I follow recently asked how they could make themselves more attractive to someone whom they found attractive…

There are a lot of people who give advice about this kind of thing, which we all would like to master even when we’re afraid of mastering it because once we have such mastery… then what?

Some of the advice given… encourages us to be narcissists – see yourself as special, makes others work to win your shine, your attention, your love, pretend to be who you are not to get what you want, fake it to make it and get it!

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obsessionIsn’t that the premise of a stalker and other unpleasant relationship experiences?

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Some of the advice given… prompts us to be the supply of a narcissist – feed the ego of others to gain acceptance, as the well-fed ego will find you attractive and indispensable. Supply the demand of others, and they will get addicted to you!

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see the lightI see problems ahead with this tactic… but I’m not supposed to see the problems with it, which is a problem.

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All of that sounds like hard work… is it worth it?

Some of the advice offers an ‘easy’ option… just be yourself, and everything else will sort itself out in a perfectly ideal manner!

Excuse me while I remember all the times I was myself and… wished I had been someone else instead.

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Be yourself - no - society

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Today The Daily Post asked – Name five things in your house that make it a home.

Are these five things which you list… what is attractive about your home? Are they things which attract you to a place? Are they connected to things which you find attractive in a person – person who is a ‘home’ to you? Are they things which attract you to an idea – an idea which is home to you?

I’m in limbo right now between homes… I’ve pretty much always been in limbo between homes. Nowhere every felt like home… and last night I had a dream which cut to the chase of what home is for me – that place where I feel happy about being myself as I am.

Why is that so hard to find… and why is it so attractive, is it because it is a rare experience?

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Over to you…

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28 thoughts on “The Laws, Rules, and Usual Mistakes of Attraction

  1. I think that emergingfromthedarknight said it best. I find you and your blog very interesting, knowledgeable, insightful, helpful and kind. You also make your readers think, and I like the way you turn things upside down and inside out. As emerging indicated, I don’t know if you know what an impact you have had. πŸ™‚

    I appreciate people who know themselves and who are also clear (something I can be dreadful about, which is probably why I find it attractive πŸ™‚ ).

    A wonderful post. Thanks for making me think … again. πŸ™‚

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    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      I try not to think about the impact I have on people. It’s a bit like when you start thinking about how you walk and suddenly you can’t walk anymore. Since my blog is me just being me… if I start thinking about that I might trip myself up πŸ˜‰ It has happened once or twice…

      I’m very grateful for the impact others have had on me… thank you for being you and sharing yourself with me, and inspiring me!

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  2. I am spell bound to your blog because of the Real You- an authentic self I perceive close and to whom i can open myself. Authentic for me is a big word, it’s the antithesis of fake, N fake. And then all your research has a paradigmatic acceptation to me, inspiring me to delve into myself and things and life, to say nothing of the question of writing, where i find such a freedom, a style, an intensity that always stirs something in myself provideing a wonderful, inspirational example for my writing.In a way, you help people to spot the best in themsemves.
    Attraction is a terrible word though, if you think, that we are prone to follow the same schema of repetition in our relationships if we haven’t worked it out yet, and if we consider the we might come from a N household, here we go…As being a magnet to Ns, therefore an hidden dark out of control disposision for an abyss. Irrational to such an extent it drives you to your own self destruction.

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    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      Certain types of attraction are more of a gravitational pull, and that kind of pull may be one which is hard to resist even though we may choose not to be drawn to it.

      When you grow up with narcissists, they set you on a course, an orbit, and you have to keep doing it or it upsets their world. They make you responsible for keeping their world safe, however, their world isn’t a safe place at all. They keep launching debris into the space around the planet and as you orbit you pick up all the detritus, it starts to cause your rotation to wobble, and chunks of space junk keep crashing into you, sending you off course – in those moments you catch a glimpse of the universe beyond and wonder what would happen if you broke free like a comet. But the gravitational pull and the familiar orbit, the responsibility you’ve been told is yours, keep you trapped until some sort of event causes a release… still when the comet is free it may get drawn to familiar gravitational pulls from other planets.

      I have no idea what I’m talking about, but what you said inspired a thought-image to pop into my mind πŸ™‚

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      1. An astronomic reading of Narcissism, your creativity is up to the sky..But it makes sense.hopefully all my trials to work myself out will lead me to a different freer orbeit before the ending of my existence.

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  3. I second emergingfromthedarkknight when referring to your blog, “wonderful it is, and how loved.” I am humbled to have my name in this one since I respect you & what you stand for. I am intrigued by you, not scared really but sometimes yes I am. I am because you remind me of my friend. She was a covert narcissist- with sociopathic traits and betrayed me deeply. So I tread lightly at times, fearing I am setting myself up. I think you see this when I comment. I restrict myself because I don’t really know you. I see her in you at times, in how you express yourself. Not surprising really, as you & her were raised by parents with one or both being NPD. I think what I see that is similar in you & her is the unique fantasy & storyteller ability and I also see your darkness. Your darkness differs though- it’s still dark but in many respects it points to the light. Her darkness pointed to the dark, always. So I find your darkness awesome (it’s not weird or crazy) and I find your lightness refreshing. That’s why I am attracted to you & your blog. Forge on ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      Yes, I’ve noticed that you see your friend in me. It’s a comparison worth exploring as you can get a lot of insight by examining what it is you’re seeing and what it means to you.

      For instance, you mentioned the darkness. Darkness fascinates you, it intrigues and scares you – Why? What is your relationship to your own darkness? Have you explored your own inner dark, gotten to know it, or do you only meet it in others and get to know it by knowing them?

      An intrinsic part of relationships is meeting parts of ourselves in others, it’s often what attracts us to others – they’re expressing openly what is hidden within us, and what is hidden within us wants to express itself openly. Exposure to them gives us a ‘safe’ way of meeting what we’ve perhaps dissociated from within ourselves because we’re afraid of it for some reason, and through seeing them expressing it openly, we learn that it’s okay to do that, and how to do it. That’s if the scenario is healthy, if it’s unhealthy we may learn the opposite lesson. There are many variables based on our personal journey.

      Jung wrote a lot about the shadow self which we often project upon others, and meet through others. The aim is to integrate our shadow through our relationships with those who represent it for us.

      You might find this interesting – http://appliedjung.com/jungian-themes/animus-possession – as you mentioned that your friend was ‘predatory’ in a way towards you which could be seen as being an expression of ‘animus’ in a woman.

      The fantasy/storyteller aspect – Do you embrace the storyteller in yourself, do you allow yourself to fantasise, travel in the imagination? Do you like daydreaming or are you afraid of where that could lead, what it could stir up, what could happen if you give in to the world within?

      Do you equate fantasy/storytelling with shadow, darkness?

      Fantasy is often used to access the unconscious/subconscious because that part of us communicates through allegory, which is why dreams are discussed in therapy, and why art is sometimes used for therapeutic purposes.

      The inner child loves to be creative, and to imagine beautiful visions and versions of reality. Our inner child is our creative self. It is a positive influence which can show us beauty in the mundane, encourage us to pursue a dream, make that dream a reality, bring something to life, etc.

      However it can also be a negative influence.

      A narcissist confuses fantasy and reality, they’re stuck as children, still playing pretend and imagining the world around them into existence. This is one of the things about them which makes them so attractive to others, they express the inner child and it invites the inner child of non-narcissists to come and play. Welcome to Narnia! Join me in Wonderland! It’s all fun and games… until someone gets hurt and things get all Lord of the Flies.

      Thank you so much for the inspiration, and for asking that question. Lots to explore! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for the article- I did find it interesting! So yes I am intrigued by darkness. Why? My initial reaction to the question was because I don’t have much of it in me. Doesn’t that sound arrogant though? It’s not that I don’t think dark thoughts or fantasies- I do, believe me, my mind is creative & I go there but it is fantasy and I never had issues with mixing my two worlds (the real & the fantasy). I think my relationship with my friend tapped into my fantasy side and she was beating it down trying to make me bring it forth. My mind went there but not my actions. I think this scared me. That’s where my fear lies, it’s in that crossing over from one world to the other. I am a playful person but also a thinker, so I have a this weird mix in me. She tapped into the playful part of me which I enjoyed until it went all wrong. You’re life experiences are more complex than mine. My life overall has been relatively straight forward- I am naΓ―ve in many ways because of this & so I find it interesting to hear about others lifes. I am reading some books by Oliver Sacks (a neurologist who wrote the book Awakenings-after that film) right now. He recently died and I read an article about him and wanted to know more. I am attracted to people, experiences and the dark & light of life. There is lots to explore, it’s fun πŸ™‚

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        1. I love Oliver Sacks! Brilliant man! I saw someone reading The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat the other day and I gushed all over them πŸ˜‰

          It doesn’t sound arrogant to say that you don’t have much darkness in you, it’s simply a fact about self stated. You know yourself and your know what’s within.

          Usually with darkness we don’t go there until something makes us go there – a tragedy, a trauma, overwhelming circumstances beyond our control, thwarted ambition, a life change for which we were not prepared, something which causes suffering, etc – if there’s no reason to go there then why bother. There are many kinds of darkness, some of which are daily experiences, and varied uses for it. Sometimes it is something which inspires us in a way that is positive, it can increase empathy, giving depth into the human experience, offering greater insight and understanding. Empathy comes with the ability to understand the most basic of human darkness – suffering, pain.

          Awhile back you shared some of your childhood experiences, you mentioned having to grow up quickly, that you sacrificed certain aspects of yourself to survive, and that you felt that you had missed out on childhood. You also spoke of how you felt that your relationship with your friend mirrored in some ways the one you had with your parents, particularly your father. You’ve experienced darkness, suffering, personal pain, and complexity. From what you’ve shared of your life it doesn’t sound particularly straightforward, and you don’t come across as naive.

          We all creatively adjust reality, because sometimes that’s what we need to do to. We create a story for ourselves out of what is real and add some fantasy, like frosting on a cake. Fantasy can be a healing balm, giving us the ability to keep going, especially when times are tough.

          With narcissists, it’s a whole other type of darkness and suffering… however, there are similarities between non-narcissists and narcissists as NPD is a twisted form of something natural to all humans, and that’s how they get under our skin. One of the things you said about what attracted you to your friend was that you needed a friend, so did she. Need can be a form of darkness, it can get very dark if the need is narcissistic, as you found out with the sort of need for you which your friend had. Your need, your own darkness, kept you in the relationship longer than you actually wanted to be in it, but your light prevailed, and the experience has deepened your experience of yourself – so your darkness is a source of inspiration for you.

          Did you say that you’d watched Once Upon A Time… that’s a great way to learn about darkness and its relationship with light. Fantasy is useful for exploring the abstract, ideas and concepts.

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          1. Thanks for remembering me so well ❀ I did miss out on things as a child and was put in stressful situations which required me to persevere. My Mom was a very positive person & still is and she would always put a twist on the struggle- "you can do it" & "I know you can handle it." That kind of cheerleading thing- I do that too if you haven't noticed, ha πŸ™‚ It's sincere. I was taught to look to the light which I think is so awesome! It got me in trouble with my friend because I was looking to the light versus looking at the reality of who she really was- I wanted to see her light. That is what kept me in the friendship longer than I should have been. I didn't want to believe it. Once I did believe it, I had a whole lot to deal with, it sucked.

            I remember reading the book Care for the Soul and one quote that jumped out at me & helped me grieve & deal with things was this, "We think power comes from understanding and unveiling. But this approach only goes so far. From the point of the soul it is just as important, maybe more important, to check the urgency of curiosity and suspicion, to allow certain things to remain distant and buried, to trust one's soul with things that should not be brought to the light of day." I totally believe this is true- it helped me tremendously, along with journaling. The turning point for me I found was when after "looking in" for so long, that I started to "look out" more. The concept of looking out is very healing. I think you're blog does this for you in many ways, as you write about you (looking in) and then you have people that comment about that and you look out. It's the looking out- self reflection which in a way bonds you to an other person. That for me has been where the "magic" and "spark" gets reignited.

            I never watched that movie. I don't really watch TV or movies much but I enjoy hearing about them. I read mostly & listen to music. Oliver Sack does rock it! I love his life story, all of it.

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            1. Thomas Moore just has a way of saying things which makes them clear and simple. I love his work too, and he has a great Twitter πŸ™‚

              I like your looking in/looking out philosophy. It’s true that we need to do both, to have a flow and balance, because looking out brings things in, and looking in allows things to flow out. When we have a conversation within ourselves, at some point it seeks to be released so it can gather more information, discover other forms of itself, be plumped up, fleshed out by interacting with other conversations which come from others.

              There is nothing more thrilling than a brainstorming session where lots of different people share all their internal conversations, and they swirl around in a dance together, creating new conversations, nourishing ideas within and without, maybe even bringing something new to life.

              And there is nothing more draining than letting an inner conversation out and having it drop dead because the air outside is stagnant. That’s what it’s like with narcissists. You have a thought, you share it, and they kill it with a thought of their own which is hard, rigid, negative.

              It’s sometimes hard to believe that anyone can be the way that narcissists are because it often defies logic in a way that the mind just can’t compute. It takes time to make sense of the illogical.

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              1. Yes…so true about having the conversation “drop dead”- big red f’n flag! Hey- I got the book Gift of Fear and just read a quote that summed up sort of why I said I was naΓ―ve…”Just as some things must be seen to be believed, some must be believed to be seen.” That’s it! I am naΓ―ve because of this- which many of us are but some of us aren’t because we saw stuff sooner in our lives. But what I’m realizing is that even if you experienced it sooner, it doesn’t mean you really SEE it sooner, if you know what I mean. You have to want to see it. Anyways, I just wanted to clarify my comment since I know I didn’t have an easy life and I have drawn from that but I was naΓ―ve in many ways because I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing. Kind of interesting.

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                1. Absolutely spot on πŸ™‚

                  I remember the moment when I realised the why of my own naivety, it was a liberating moment, but also intense and deep. I saw that I had blocked a huge chunk of knowledge within myself because to know it made living with it too difficult. Blocking that knowledge made me naive. When I unblocked it, it was like turning a light on in my mind. I finally gave myself permission to know what I had always known, I no longer needed to be naive, I could finally know things.

                  Our internal systems are fascinating to explore, the way our mind adapts to deal with things or to deal with them by not dealing with them, and the way our brain rewires itself based on our requirements and decisions.

                  The Gift of Fear had some valuable insights for me, I particularly found the parts which showed how we doubt ourselves, how the mind interferes with instinct and intuition, and how that affects the course of a situation very interesting.

                  Like

  4. Great post….it doesnt seem to work trying to pretend to be someone else to be attractive but i only learned that at the end of a long hard road of trying and failing miserably (thank God).

    I’m attracted by openness, but closed people will also intrigue me, get me questioning and wondering; quirkiness, a wide ranging mind thats interested and interesting on life’s many experiences of soul, those who took thr dark path, made lots of mistakes lived to tell the tale and founf a way through the dark part with heart intact even if broken, widened out by that experience….those who can really feel and express all emotions…are not judging all the time but looking for beauty even in the so called ‘wrong’, ‘bad’, or ‘ugly’.

    Your blog attracts me because its unique, wise, interesting, honest and so many other things…im not sure if you really know how wonderful it is…and how loved.

    Thanks for posing a really intersting question. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      One of the things which I find fascinating is the juxtaposition in pop psychology/relationship advice articles on being attractive. One article will advocate that there is nothing more attractive than being yourself, being authentic, etc, while another article will tell you how to change yourself for others, what traits and behaviours to adopt to make yourself the sort of person other people want. There seems to be far more literature on how to change to be more attractive, how to do a make-over on yourself, and some of it sounds like lessons on how to be a narcissist.

      The other day I read an intriguing article about that – https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2015/09/11/narcissism-classes/

      My fav article on Narcissism points this out:

      “The Narcissist by definition over-identified with becoming the “good child” as a chosen way of creating safety for itself.The Narcissist adapted and became the split false self “good child” and then worked continually to craft image and story as their reality. They built up a faΓ§ade and an idealized image of self to get love, approval, or just to remain safe from punishment, rejection or abuse.

      A child who is shamed or punished when it expresses its own infantile rage and hatred soon learns to suppress the expression of such feelings (Goldberg:1993). The parent typically split the child into the idealized “good child” and forced the child to disown its shadow feelings and behaviours as the “bad child” into their unconsciousness (Klein:1971).

      This reinforces the creation of the Narcissistic child who is encouraged to “be good” and to disown any “bad” aspects of self into a split disowned “bad child” who no longer exists in conscious reality.” – via http://energeticsinstitute.com.au/narcissism/

      That can often happen in social situations, starting in our childhood and continuing into adulthood, whereby we are told by others what they like about us and what they don’t like about us, and we notice that certain aspects of ourselves are rejected while others make us attractive, and we may increase those that make us attractive while suppressing the unattractive things, until we unbalance ourselves. Even if what we’re doing is still a part of us, it can feel as though we’re being fake because we may be doing it when we don’t feel like doing it. Smiling when we’re sad because our smile is attractive to others, whereas a frown is not.

      This is a great article which goes into that:

      “Being whole and not broken. Forgiving yourself, making friends with your shadow, accepting who you are, nurturing yourself, learning to love yourself for who you are really and not who you wish you were, these are some of the benefits you will reap from working with your shadow. It is dirty work, ongoing work, but, most importantly, also very rich and rewarding work.

      Facing yourself in the mirror of the other, (which is) the world around you, is often disturbing and painful. If you dislike something or someone intensely, there is shadow content hidden in this relation. The object of your dislike contains something of your shadow in it. Deep and honest reflection will reveal it to you. Realising that you have the potential for dishonesty or being unfaithful is not easy. As is realising that you carry the pain and scarring from a devastating experience. But once in consciousness, it can be addressed and opposed or healed; whilst it remains unconscious it will wreak havoc in your life.

      Similarly if you love and adore something, there are also these wonderful, exciting and surprising talents and hidden potential that remain untouched and unseen whilst in the unconscious.” via http://appliedjung.com/jungian-themes/shadow-jungian-themes/the-dark-side

      What attracts us is showing us to ourselves, the richness and complexity of being. If we find something attractive in someone else, then we have that within us in some form, and the attraction serves to bring it out so that we can embrace more of who we are. It’s a deeply intriguing subject… as are people πŸ™‚

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      1. Beautiful replt that article is well worth checking out…learning what the rejected qualities are is painful but worth the pain to find some freedom. And to own our own dark and realise its all part of being human..a long journey ewhen confronted by those who disown or project it..And knowing we are always learning all the time about our projections too.

        An interesting line of enquiry here with Mercury retrograde in Libra..:)

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        1. Yes, Mercury Rx in Libra, Saturn just shifted signs, but also there’s that whole Jupiter/Neptune opposition going on… this is a great post about that – http://juliedemboski.com/2015/09/17/jupiter-opposed-neptune-september-2015/

          “With Jupiter opposed Neptune, knowledge and β€˜the facts’ face off against illusion, against what might be–and if we aren’t truly clear on who we are and in our connection to reality (and how can we be during Merc retro in Air?) then we may come out the worse for it.” – Julie Demboski

          I’m in love with that quote at the moment πŸ™‚

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          1. That’s really interesting, Ursula as I have the Jupiter/Neptune square and as usual my focus gets drawn to one thing instead of the whole picture.

            Am really picking up on the Saturn sign shift too, are you? Seemed there was so much to learn with Saturn in that final retrograde through the last degrees of Scorpio. I guess somewhere in that you had it pass over Mars.
            Will check out that link. Thanks ❀

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            1. Yes, Saturn has been a big influence in Scorpio. It passed over my Mars awhile ago (Mars at 5 degrees Scorpio), which was very useful because it reined in my rashness just when I needed it, now it’s on my Neptune, just slowly moving away from it. The shift into Sag has lifted some of the intensity and goes very well with what’s going on in my life right now. I had to make a difficult decision yesterday which for me reflects the shift from Scorpio into Sag, and some other aspects too – pretty much every transit is hitting a natal position in my chart at the moment. Time to make some significant changes. πŸ™‚

              Liked by 1 person

  5. Very recently I had an epiphany into my attraction script; it became clear that all the men (three) with whom there has been a potential for a happy ever after; I meet after an instant, unbreakable death defying love/attraction/interest at first sight gaze (call it what you want). It is the kind of eye contact you only see in black and white movies. As a Scorpio eyes meeting across a smoky crowded room is pretty stereotypical. I wonder if other star signs could find this theme?

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    1. Thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

      That’s an intriguing way of exploring attraction, and visually very evocative. I’m a fan of black and white movies, and I have Mars in Scorpio, so I understand the quest for intensity.

      I’m a Capricorn, which is often associated with a focus on status and the accessories of that, however, what tends to instantly attract me to people is when someone is comfortable in themselves and doesn’t need anything from anyone. Clint Eastwood chewing on a cigar, just taking in the world around him.

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