“The problem was you had to keep choosing between one evil or another, and no matter what you chose, they sliced a little bit more off you, until there was nothing left.”
― Charles Bukowski
Do you know what I’ve always wanted to learn how to do… and do it without the slightest twinge of conscience… but which I’ve never quite been able to master.
I know why I haven’t learned it.
It’s not because I am naturally lazy.
Neither is it because I’m normally stupid.
Nor because it’s too hard to do… doing easy things has never come easily for me…
Or because I didn’t have anyone to teach me…
Oh, I had loads of teachers for this…
Except most of my teachers tended to use people like me to hit other people like me, and…
Well, maybe they thought I was a mofo, and that the other person was one too, and we deserved to have our heads bashed together like kerbangers or conkers…
Maybe we were mofo’s…
But usually we were only mofo’s because we had said no to someone who can’t handle hearing that word without having an apoplectic fit.
I didn’t like being used that way, neither did the other person, and I suffered the consequences, so did the other…
Which often included going to battle with the other person over a war which wasn’t ours, over something which neither of us had done, but which had been done to us by a third person who somehow got away scott free, and was able to watch the chaos their actions had started thanks to a flap of their butterfly wings from a safe distance while eating mints and sipping a glass of port.
When the shit hits the fan, they are always impeccably clean. Should any of the splatter get on them, they will send you a cleaning bill, if you refuse to pay, they will sue you… in other words, they will use another mofo to hit the mofo that you are.
And so it begins again… and never really ends.
I realise that I’m never going to learn how to do this, but we all have those things which… well, if only just once, we’d like to give it a go.
But… what happens if we enjoy it?
What happens to who we are…
I’m never certain enough that the people whom I think are mofo’s are actually that or if it is me…
I prefer to err on the side of don’t do that, don’t use others to fight battles in your war.
Don’t use others… even if they offer themselves up to be used. It’s not going to end well if it starts on that note, and you don’t like it when someone does that to you.
It’s hard not to put yourself in the shoes of others, even if they’re a mofo.
I often offer myself up to be used by others. I used to kick myself for doing that, hit this mofo with this mofo…
But it’s actually quite a good way of finding out who your friends are… those who don’t accept your offer to be used.
“I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go.”
― Charles Bukowski
So… start where you are and work from there.
Or something like that.