“The problem was you had to keep choosing between one evil or another, and no matter what you chose, they sliced a little bit more off you, until there was nothing left.”
― Charles Bukowski
Do you know what I’ve always wanted to learn how to do… and do it without the slightest twinge of conscience… but which I’ve never quite been able to master.
I know why I haven’t learned it.
It’s not because I am naturally lazy.
Neither is it because I’m normally stupid.
Nor because it’s too hard to do… doing easy things has never come easily for me…
Or because I didn’t have anyone to teach me…
Oh, I had loads of teachers for this…
Except most of my teachers tended to use people like me to hit other people like me, and…
Well, maybe they thought I was a mofo, and that the other person was one too, and we deserved to have our heads bashed together like kerbangers or conkers…
Maybe we were mofo’s…
But usually we were only mofo’s because we had said no to someone who can’t handle hearing that word without having an apoplectic fit.
I didn’t like being used that way, neither did the other person, and I suffered the consequences, so did the other…
Which often included going to battle with the other person over a war which wasn’t ours, over something which neither of us had done, but which had been done to us by a third person who somehow got away scott free, and was able to watch the chaos their actions had started thanks to a flap of their butterfly wings from a safe distance while eating mints and sipping a glass of port.
When the shit hits the fan, they are always impeccably clean. Should any of the splatter get on them, they will send you a cleaning bill, if you refuse to pay, they will sue you… in other words, they will use another mofo to hit the mofo that you are.
And so it begins again… and never really ends.
I realise that I’m never going to learn how to do this, but we all have those things which… well, if only just once, we’d like to give it a go.
But… what happens if we enjoy it?
What happens to who we are…
I’m never certain enough that the people whom I think are mofo’s are actually that or if it is me…
I prefer to err on the side of don’t do that, don’t use others to fight battles in your war.
Don’t use others… even if they offer themselves up to be used. It’s not going to end well if it starts on that note, and you don’t like it when someone does that to you.
It’s hard not to put yourself in the shoes of others, even if they’re a mofo.
I often offer myself up to be used by others. I used to kick myself for doing that, hit this mofo with this mofo…
But it’s actually quite a good way of finding out who your friends are… those who don’t accept your offer to be used.
“I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go.”
― Charles Bukowski
So… start where you are and work from there.
Or something like that.
“I often offer myself up to be used by others”.
So true, so sad, so deeply anchored in our souls. This is a silent cry to the sky. it’s so sad to acknowledge this as part of ourselves, from all that is hidden behind it, a prison, a dark place, an eternal silence.
I think it’s a natural human tendency to want to be of use to others. It can be a good experience, I’ve met some great people by offering to be of use and it gets reciprocated, so it’s beneficial all around. It can also be a bad experience, and it is sad when someone abuses your offer and thinks you’re some magic pen with which they can write checks which never bounce.
Some of the bad experiences come from how we make the offer. I have a tendency of being a bit too lax. I like being that way, it makes for a nicer experience in interactions. However, if someone is trying to use me in a way which isn’t okay with me, takes me awhile to be sure but once I am sure then there is nothing lax about me. They’ve had their twenty chances and I’ve run out of fucks to give.
You kind of have to put up with some stuff from others because they kind of have to put up with some stuff from you. If the relationship is all about putting up with someone else’s stuff and there really isn’t anything else to it, then they’re using you, you’re letting it happen, time to stop letting it happen. Boy do they whine when their greedy fingers get cut off. Che pizza!
I put up with way too much shit from my parents, and got into a bad habit with others due to that. But it’s been an insightful experience in some ways. I don’t want to lose the good bits I’ve found by going through the bad bits.
I’ll figure out the formula some day 😉
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“An upturned Soul” is, for me, a collision with words of wisdom. Yes; It’s natural tendency (not in all), but in some humans to want to be of use to others. Yours touches my own story as former street child, who began to learn to read and write by self efforts and that towards end of my life-expectancy. Notwithstanding, I had only one desire to realize before I go which was: To build a technical workshop for incoming orphans at my birthplace when I grow-up. An attempt to turn my dream into reality, leaded to losing financially including technical equipments, to both government officials and friends. It took me more than 15 years to repay bank loans. Question: Am I wrong to perceive those who look like me as not reliable?
Thank you for sharing 🙂
You asked – Am I wrong to perceive those who look like me as not reliable?
That’s an intriguing question, and one which I think only you can answer, because when we ask something like that it speaks of personal experience and the conclusions we reach through being and living.
We usually discover what is right or wrong for us through trial and error. Something which is right for someone else may be right for us, but it can also be wrong for us.
Have you decided that those who look like you are unreliable because you relied on them based on the similarity between you and they proved to be unreliable? Are these people who look like you the friends to whom you lost financially? Did you rely on them to help you make your dream a reality and they failed you?
If that is the case then your assessment is correct due to experience.
Has everyone who has reminded you of yourself proved to be unreliable, or are their others who look like you on whom you still rely?
And does this rule apply to anyone new who you meet who reminds you of yourself?
It is wise to be cautious and learn from our experiences.
However – you look like you, and you know you’re reliable.
In my own experience I’ve found that I often give to people who remind me of myself the benefits of my own character. So, perhaps you have given to those who remind you of yourself the benefit of your own reliability. You’re reliable so you assume that they are because they appear to be similar to you.
It is important to remember that your reliability comes from choices you have made, from personal integrity, from a respectful use of personal power, and just because someone has had similar experiences to us, has walked a similar path, looks like us, does not mean they are like us at all. The experiences which made you choose to be reliable, might have made someone else choose to be unreliable. You may look the same but you are not the same.
It would be great, wouldn’t it? But we can’t, won’t and shouldn’t. That’s part of the reason we’re not mofos. Doesn’t stop me from engaging in a very rich fantasy, though. Mofos with spongy zombie parts breaking off … and other stuff. 😉
Haha! That’s… an image which is now stuck in my visual cortex! 😀
At least we know we’re fantasising!
It’s always wise to stay grounded. 😉
Except when you’re flying your plane 😀
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