image by Mirtle
.
I’ve placed myself in rather a strange position.
This isn’t the first time I’ve done something like that.
For all the thinking that I do, I sometimes don’t think things through.
I don’t work out all the possible consequences in advance… and then figure out if I am willing to handle all those possible consequences.
.
.
The first time I placed myself in this kind of a position was… when I was born.
My mother, according to her (and please be aware that I think she’s a narcissist, she thinks differently – I could be wrong, and I’m always wrong according to her), decided to have me because she believed that she and my father were being too selfish and needed a child to fix that problem.
That wasn’t really the problem…
.
.
The problem was their relationship was a disaster even before they decided to unite forces in wedded lock and then lose the key.
The cat which they adopted during their first year of tumultuous marriage must have eaten it… they credit that cat with keeping them together when they wanted to split up (I’ve never quite been able to forgive that cat for what it did, however cute and fluffy it was, because I’ve always wished I hadn’t been born).
When one narcissist has a child…
That child pays for it for the rest of their life… even if they don’t get with the program (ming).
Somehow my birth was supposed to miraculously fix a decade of two people hating on each other and believing that hate was love. It was the obsession which bound them together forever. Let’s just say I failed in my mission to fix things from the moment that I became a plan of action to solve such a mess.
.
dissolving boundaries
.
My mother conceived me under suspicious circumstances – the story changed every time she told it, but from the consistent scraps of it, what I have gathered is – she is a complete control freak who tried to control another complete control freak using passive-aggression in the form of a baby.
Her lesson on the birds and the bees included mostly telling me that when a man penetrates you with his penis… it’s like peeing. Don’t ask… I didn’t, but I got it explained to me anyway because I had to know everything about my conception, and my parents’ sex life, especially how my mother suffered and put up with my father’s stuff to make it (me) happen. I’m so grateful.
How I managed not to hate men for having penises and needing to pee is a mystery.
My mother is a misandrist – which means she hates men. She had so many reasons for doing so, generational reasons for it, many ancestors to blame, which might, if a spin doctor worked on it, sound great if she had decided to become a feminist, but she hated women too, so she could never become that.
I’m not sharing her views on feminists… they’re not my views and I’m really fed up with paying for her shit (even though I’m still paying for it – the gift which keeps on giving, eh?). She hated women because she hated being female. For personal reasons… again I didn’t ask, getting that kind of information wasn’t optional if you lived with her and were her dumping ground (which I was).
So… feck me!
My birth and what it was supposed to do for her…. was always going to work out well for everyone…
.
.
When two narcissists have a child…
Welcome to a Stephen King novel made for TV…
My father was clear on one point – he did not want to have children. A narcissist being honest for a change, as much as we hate to believe it or admit it, they often are honest, particularly the overt ones… pity no one listens, listened, or wants to hear what they don’t want to hear…or admit they heard it and didn’t want to listen…
He had had children before me in the form of his siblings… who never let him stop being their provider, in fact, the older they got the more they wanted from him even if they only spoke to him when they wanted something from him.
If he wanted anything from them… he was suddenly an only child. Maybe even an orphan…
His experience of being a father, being responsible for children… sucked. He didn’t want to repeat that… I kind of like him for that… but…
He’s dead now, and so that’s the end of that… except my mother is still alive and she’s keeping him alive. As long as she’s alive, he’ll never be able to R.I.P.
Aren’t narcissists always so positive, even in the face of something so deeply sad as loss. Ain’t nobody got time for that, so lighten up… unless they’re depressed, then don’t you dare have a happy around them because they will drag you down and deeper down, then use you to lift themselves up, ’cause they bounce back like that – what’s the matter with you, you look like someone trampled all over you! Don’t look like that around them when they’re up, up, up!
Don’t say things like…
I was an only child (aren’t those people who decide what that’s like based on not being like that… deluded). I sometimes wished I was an orphan… I was deluded about that in the same way people who aren’t only children are deluded about what it is actually like to be an only child.
.
.
We all think others have it better than we do, we have such high illusions/expectations of them, and we often hate them for it… while they hate us for what we have.
Ain’t people sweet, and ain’t being a people simple to make sweet!
An only child of two narcissistic people, neither of whom wanted to be parents because they hated their own parents and had never grown up because of it… this is going to have a happily ever after, isn’t it!
Just think positive and positive shit will happen! Yes, yes, yes… no.
The power of positive thinking… as far as I’m concerned it was created by a narcissist. Feel free to argue with me on this point, badger and bully me into submission… okay, you’re right, I’m wrong… in other words, leave me alone. What I believe or don’t believe is none of your business, you don’t care anyway, and won’t affect you unless you think it does… that’s your problem, not mine.
And all those who argue with that point… go on, argue it until you’ve climaxed. Your orgasm somehow missed me. Want to try again?
.
.
The first rule (or whatever) of dealing with a narcissist – Make sure you’re not the one who is the narcissist.
Narcissists tend to see others as being one-dimensional.
This person is my handbag… my handbag is not as fashionable as the one which the mannequin next to me has, my handbag hates me and is making me look bad!
And this person here is the bag into which I vomit when I get travel sick, that other person over there is the one I hate for not being travel sick, who do they think they are!?!… oh, they think they’re the person I want to be. I hate it when people are right! When people are right, they are wrong, double espresso wrong!!!
So…
You think you’re dealing with a narcissist… who does your narcissist think they are dealing with?
That’s how empathy works, right? Putting yourself in the shoes of the other person to get some perspective… right?
This horrible question is brought to you by someone you perhaps should ignore… just like you should be ignoring that other person whom you think is a narcissist.
You’re only noticing me because you think I can help you notice your narcissist less.
You can’t stop yourself from noticing your narcissist, can you?
Everything you’ve read online has told you to stop it, ignore them, go No Contact… that’s not happening, is it?
Maybe you’re trying to make it happen, but…
Do you want me to give you a magic formula to help you turn your narcissist into someone else? Someone who will become who you want them to be for you, who will do all those thing they’re not doing, say the things they’re not saying… stuff like that?
Can you understand French?
.
.
This song simply says that who people are is who they will always be, so stop trying to change others… when others try to change you, do you really change or… what?
Do you like it when others try to change you?
Do you like it when others want you to be who you are not for them?
If yes…?
If no, then… why do to someone else what you don’t like being done to you?
If I could help you turn your narcissist into not a narcissist… that’s the stuff of miracles and really isn’t possible, but if it was and I knew how to do it… I should probably be charging for that kind of thing, profiting from your pain like a narcissist would.
Knowing myself, though, I’d probably give it away for free… and someone else would take it and charge you for it after re-branding it and copyrighting it.
I’d love to provide you with that service for free because then it would mean I had something like that for myself… which would offer me some freedom, libera me from a lifetime of anything but liberation.
I’d love to have that for myself, and pass that shit on, but, frankly…
A narcissist would love to get their hands on that kind of thing, because that’s what they’re always trying to do – change others to suit them, their version of you, of reality, of life, of how things are supposed to be.
If you’re coming here to find a way to make someone into your image of them…
.
extract via Acceptance is Key to Dealing with a Narcissist by Deborah Ward
.
I was created for the sake of hate disguised as love… a mistake made which is my fault forever as far as those who put their genes together are concerned.
For those 5 people who this morning ended up on my blog while searching for – How to get a narcissist to forgive you – I’m sorry, they’re never going to forgive you no matter what you do now because it’s all about what you didn’t do then.
If I had just not been born… my parents would have been so much happier… according to my mother (alles ist gut… until I was born). My father just dealt with it by pretending it never happened most of the time…
She still hasn’t forgiven me for being born even if she has repeatedly admitted to me that she got pregnant on purpose… baby didn’t do what it was supposed to do, this is baby’s fault for being flawed. You can’t forgive that!
Neither of them forgave me for being born… it messed up what was already messed up… and gave them someone to blame for (eternity) it which wasn’t them. Result!
They’re never going to forgive you if it means they’ll never have to look at themselves in an uncompromising way… the way they look at others. They really hate it when what they do to others is done to them… because what they do to others was done to them and created their narcissistic personality disorder in the first place. They don’t like being reminded of that…
No one likes to have their triggers triggered or their wound reopened, stabbed and stuff…
[If you think I’m exaggerating… I have actually been killed off and the actor who played me originally has been replaced by other actors over the years. That’s how come I look like I was born yesterday.]
.
.
My entrance into this world was greeted with mixed reviews… mostly boos from family. Except for great grandma on papa’s side… she killed a chicken and drank its blood to celebrate my birth. Yay?
End of part one… not sure if part two is going to happen…
.
.
Part two is here… (click this to wish you hadn’t clicked this)
An Upturned Soul 
Wow… what a story!
LikeLike
Thank you 🙂
I get that same reaction when I tell it… sometimes I think I’m making it all up, that’s me wishing I was making it all up because reality is sometimes weirder than fiction.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My, my we’ve gotten bitchy lately…nice, way to not hold back, I guess. So, only narcissists try to change people thus making tem narcissistic? Perspective. I wouldn’t want a pedophile or serial killer to keep on being who they are for the sake of individuality, but in the same respect, people should be allowed to be people when it’s not that extreme. There’s a flip side to every thing.
LikeLike
Hello, how are things going with you?
I watched the first episode in a new TV series recently which had a scene that included someone applying for a job in the Vatican for the Devil’s Advocate’s assistant position.
I don’t know if you’re a watcher of the small screen, if you are you might enjoy this series – You, Me and the Apocalypse (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4337894/)
If there is a flip side to everything, then there is a flip side to your comment…
I’ve protected myself the way you’re protecting yourself… that kind of protection feels invulnerable, but it actually exposes your soft underbelly every time you use it.
Be careful when taking care of yourself.
LikeLike
Excellent documentary….ha ha!!!! I and the ex to be wife can associate the cat thing. We stayed married together for 11 months thanks to our little ball of fur……..so, I understand you, and cannot imagine being raised by not one different person, but two……..you were blessed, remember God only gives you what you can handle…….You’ve taken those lemons and made TWO pictures of lemonade, good for you…
LikeLike
Thank you very much 🙂
I’ve often used that concept of only being given things which you can handle to get myself through those long moments of going through hell on earth when I’m overwhelmed by all those things I feel I just can’t handle… sometimes it helps and at other times you really have to wonder if your ability to handle something has been overestimated by an eternal optimist 😉
We’re still here aren’t we… so maybe the eternal optimist was right!
LikeLike
Brilliant! I’m so happy to have found your blog. 🙂 I also love that you’re an astrologer, too!
LikeLike
Thank you very much 🙂
I’m not an astrologer, I’m just an astrology enthusiast because it sometimes helps me to explain what nothing else does. Like, right now, many of the transits of the moment in my chart are all pointing to my being on a threshold. If I can just keep it together… I might not fall apart like I often do just before the finish line… but even that works as far as my natal chart is concerned.
Whatever helps us when facing life’s challenges… is pretty awesome!
LikeLike
Well, a while back you knew that I must have had Uranus transiting my 11th house (which I do! and he’s also, that chaotic, unpredictable and traumatizing bastard, conjunct my NN/Saturn, whilst Pluto squares my nodal axis) when I had mentioned that I had been banished from FB for not using my real name. So, maybe you’re not a practicing astrologer, but you’re an astrologer nonetheless. 🙂 My transits are also really beastly and intense right now, so I empathize with you.
LikeLike
You got me 🙂
Astrology is one of the areas which still surprises my trying-to-be-jaded self (it’s a Cap Sun thing 😉 ). Sometimes it just knows what’s going on in our life better than we do if we dare look at it.
This is one of my fav astrologers – http://juliedemboski.com/ – her latest post had me nodding so much my head almost fell off, and it wasn’t even about my natal chart, but it was about what’s going on in my RL right now.
We find things when we search for them, the more open we are… the more likely we are to find some innovative solutions. Or something like that.
I read an astrological profile of FB itself awhile back, I think it was on – http://www.oxfordastrologer.com/ – another of my favs, she’s very insightful in her profiles.
FB is an Aquarius, I think, but it sometimes behaves like a dictator who restricts the freedom of others while demanding freedom for itself. Kind of like a narcissist.
Human creations… sometimes reflect human nature in a twisted way.
If you’ve got intense transits at the moment like I do… prepare for some awesome changes which might be painful but will eventually be something else… a release from an old pain perhaps.
LikeLike
A hard hard story. You have to write part two because your title suggests you are going to tell us how to deal with a narcissist, but you never did. You mainly identified their qualities. I hope you have found some way to recover from these nightmare parents. A good but painful read. http://judydykstrabrown.com/2015/10/02/merry-go-round/
LikeLike
Thank you very much 🙂
I love reading about your life in Mexico. I have some weird and wonderful memories of visiting such a wonderful place when I was a child.
There was this experience of giant butterflies… and of a necklace from there which I shouldn’t be sucking because it could poison me.
Life is a strange mix of fiction, fantasy, and something we sometimes identify as reality. What we focus upon helps us to recover or not… until later.
The real deal of dealing with a narcissist is about dealing with yourself – that’s a lifetime project for each and everyone of us whether a narcissist is part of that dynamic or not.
LikeLike
I’ve been to that monarch butterfly forest. They come by the hundreds of thousands to lay eggs and then die. It is the hatched butterflies that return to the states. Amazing.
LikeLike
It’s so beautiful! Nature at its most powerfully natural! 🙂
LikeLike
We’re on the same wavelength. Not to contradict hippiegirl to contradict hippiegirl, I did not get a bitchy vibe from this. As always chock full of much needed under heeded advice! I’m doing what I said. Weaning myself slowly from the feel good addiction that comes with his sweet lil lies. I love that I finally read between the lines, and dropped the scales over my eyes.
LikeLike
Thank you very much 🙂
hippie7girl comments regularly, so I’m familiar with her style of commenting.
I don’t take it personally.
That’s something I’ve learned to do after a lifetime of taking what people say to me personally and realising that perhaps what they’re saying isn’t about me… when other people weigh in on how they see you, it’s more about them and where they are with themselves than it is about you.
That’s particularly useful when dealing with narcissists as they make everything about them all about you… and somehow you’re supposed to make them feel better about themselves by not being yourself, and variations on that theme. They’ll pick holes in you until you feel like you’re only made of holes they pick and pick and dig and dig. They focus their attention on what’s wrong with you to make themselves feel that they’re okay compared to you.
It’s biased in their favour.
I am sometimes rather sarcastic – my mother hated this about me, my father kind of found it funny. Not everyone gets it. It’s a stress reliever for me – humour, even in its lowest form, helps me deal with things.
The sweet lies of a narcissist can be very addictive, we have to give ourselves time to work that kind of sugar addiction out of our system.
You’re going to be okay, more than okay… what you’ve experienced with him is creating a new way of being for you – he’s inadvertently helped you to be more you, to let who you are naturally shine and to make you conscious of your own individual style.
All in all… any losses incurred are a win for you 🙂
LikeLike
Maybe you were adopted. 😉
I find it a little irritating too when I get repeated search terms like “making a narcissist fall in love with me” (keep, keep getting that one), “saving a narcissist,” and “changing a narcissist.” Yup. I’ve had that one, as well. I think you handled it in a very logical, insightful way by asking readers to place themselves in the same situation.
LikeLike
There was a brilliant line in the TV series – You, Me and the Apocalypse – one of the characters finds out that he was adopted, and his mother gets upset because she’s afraid that he won’t see her as his mother anymore, which is why she didn’t tell him he was adopted, and he says to her – “But you’ll always be my mum. OK? All my many flaws and faults, they’re all your doing. No-one can take that away from you.”
Whoever shaped us is our parent, whether they are our parent or not. In some ways we have many parents along the road of life. Yet perhaps we’re no one’s child but our own.
I find the search terms very interesting, in some ways they reflect our own story with a narcissist. At least they reflect mine.
I’ve tried saving my narcissists – and covert narcissists use that as a hook, they’re always crying ‘save me!’.
I’ve tried changing my narcissists, and sometimes you think you’ve done it because for awhile they do change… it takes time for it to sink in that the changes are superficial, part of their ever-shifting personas.
I’ve wanted to know how to make my narcissists love me… they can’t love you, they don’t know how to love, but they’re always going on and on about love and how great theirs is. They make a quest out of it, and only a true hero can win their prized love. But… there’s nothing there at the end of their special rainbow. Takes ages to understand that.
I remember the moment when it finally sunk in that my parents would never love me because they couldn’t. I just froze dumbfounded. It made complete sense. They did not have a clue about how to love. And therefore they did not recognise love when someone else gave it to them.
And I’ve tried to get my narcissists to forgive me. But how do you get your parents to forgive you for being born? There was a moment when I considered very seriously ending my life. I had an opportunity and I was tempted to take it. Part of it was almost like throwing myself into a volcano to appease the gods (my parents). Andy White’s Going Mad to Stay Sane helped to explain this urge later on. I passed on the opportunity, and shortly afterwards I saw what the future would have been like had I done it. I could see both my parents using my death as just another weapon in their war against each other. I saw my mother using my corpse to finally get her sainthood.
When I get frustrated with others… I’m mostly frustrated with myself. It just takes so bloody long to extricate yourself from the knots a narcissist ties around you, and… this is what really gets me… I helped them tie those frigging knots!
Occasionally a search term reminds me of the sort of thing a narcissist would search for while looking for information on how to control the victim of their obsession who they’ve decided is a narcissist for not being who they want them to be and doing what they want them to do for the narcissist. Reminds me of mommy dearest, always the victim trying to fix her ‘victimers’ like a child trying to find the right tool to smash the square peg into the round hole… for the sake of the square peg, of course!
Luckily there’s a lot of great information out there, and those who are seeking help to get them out of Narcville will find the answers they need. 🙂
LikeLike
Yes – whoever raised us is our parent, including siblings and other relatives and perhaps even friends.
Narcissists don’t want to forgive anything. If they do it can mean that they lose some of their power over you. Totally twisted but I think that’s true.
And the covert N’s plea to be saved – I think there might be something real behind that ( as you indicate), but they don’t want to go all the way and really look at themselves. They just want a quick fix – some attention, some stroking. My mother was big into the whole “save me” bit, and once or twice I got that she was really hurting. But she wouldn’t in any way deal with it, of course.
Yes, you did help them tie those knots but you didn’t know then what you know now. Try to forgive yourself for not knowing (and I know, easier said than done).
Yes – I hear in your response (and posts) the utter frustration that this person is causing, the resurgence of loss and blame or at least the memory of it.
We may only be onliners, but you are very much appreciated here as I am sure you are in your private life. 💜
LikeLike