Tales from Narcville: How to Deal with a Narcissist… part two…

I once craved an eclair.

It wasn’t the first time I’d experienced that kind of craving.

I have always had a thing for eclairs, especially coffee ones… with coffee creme patissiere inside (if it has ersatz cream inside – it’s a fraud eclair!)

I even wrote a song all about my eclair craving. I’m that dementedly in love with a food stuff! – This condition is known as Flangiprop.




I once had such a craving for an eclair that I thought myself through the whole process of going out to get one, spending what I knew was too much for one, eating it, very slowly in spite of my desire to wolf it down, and it disappearing far too quickly for the price, the effort, and… how little it would fill that eclair-shaped hole inside of me.

I thought it all through to the point where I almost believed I’d done it without actually having done anything other than think about it. I could taste eclair without having tasted an eclair in ages.

I never bothered going out and getting that eclair. I had been there, done it… without being there and doing it.

This little story struck me at the time as being significant, and stuck with me, because it is incredibly silly.


It showed me rather starkly how often I don’t do things because I overthink them. Not only do I overthink, but I argue with myself every step of the way.

A bit like this cartoon:


sarah anderson opinionSarah Andersen


I know exactly why I overthink, and argue with myself over each thought – spend enough time with a narcissist and you too can have this problem!

It’s like playing chess 24/7/365 (366 in a leap year) only without the usual rules of the game – those keep changing and you have to constantly update your mind with the new and improved system the narcissist has devised to beat you.

Stop playing the game… says a clever person who has never had the pleasure of playing mental chess with a narcissist. You look at them with utter befuddlement, slap your head, hug them and thank them for stating the obvious which hadn’t occurred to you over the course of the eons that your mind has been working overtime trying to figure out how to do exactly that.

This is not an option. You can try not playing it, and you have tried doing that, but narcissists don’t register that little detail as it’s not actually allowed according to rule #4 billion and six, with penalties for being an idiot who thinks you can just walk away from the game outlined in paragraph 300.

And no, that rule does not apply to them, they can leave the game at any moment, be gone for years and will expect you to still be there if and when they decide to come back. If they don’t come back, they have spies to check on you to make sure you aren’t breaking the rules of the game. That would be dishonourable of you, you’d be cheating and you wouldn’t want to do that, now would you!

This clip from this film shows a classic mental chess game with a narcissist:



The first rule of dealing with a narcissist – Make sure you’re not the one who is the narcissist.

If you’re a narcissist you will do everything in your power to not be the narcissist and to prove that everyone else is. And you will prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt because you’ll transfer all your shadows and doubts onto to others.

Let them have it because you don’t want it. You don’t want the bad stuff, you want the good stuff!

You’re the good, not the bad or the ugly, and the few bad things you do can be justified with such righteousness that you’ll cannonise yourself.

Even if you momentarily entertain the thought that you could improbably be a narcissist, you’ll have an excuse list so long that it may look like you’ve got every disorder in the DSM except NPD… which is quite cool because it proves how unique you are – Everyone is a narcissist these days, that’s so last season… but you, you’re a disorderista of the swishiest variety. It’s rather useful to own these other disorders as if anyone tries to force you to face something which you don’t want to face you can simply blame your behaviour on a disorder. It’s not your fault, it’s the fault of the disorder which was given to you by someone else – so it’s actually their fault.


Narcissism 101


If everyone you’ve ever met is a narcissist… including the person who serves you coffee in a busy coffee house who keeps forgetting that you’re a special snowflake, and just because they have to serve hundreds of caffeine-deprived people in the space of an hour (these are irrelevant details) that doesn’t justify why they don’t understand that you’re more important than everyone else and need ultra-sensitive treatment or you’ll have a sad for which you will never forgive them even if you can’t recall their name or what they look like…

If you’re always the victim and never the victimiser…

If everyone else is the problem except you…

If you’re surrounded by narcissists, but somehow you’ve never wondered about the free diagnoses you hand out so liberally… and what that means about you…


Narcissists who cry - Samuel Lopez De Victoriaextract via Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of Ego by Samuel Lopez De Victoria


Someone recently shared a story with me about their friendship with a person(a) on Facebook who posts articles about narcissistic parents, narcissistic abuse, and how to protect yourself from narcissists by spotting the ‘red flags’ which identify them.

This someone was treated by this Facebook ‘friend’ to a whole slew of ‘red flags’ including a final discard…  and yet guess who ended up wondering if they were a narcissist, and guess who was convinced that they didn’t have a narcissistic bone in their body.


narcissistic writing prompt


The second rule of dealing with a narcissist – If you think you’re the narcissist, double, triple and quadruple check that opinion. Especially the source of it – narcissists love to make you out to be the narcissist.

These days the moment you label someone a narcissist you get the kind of support from others which you don’t even have to work for – the witch hunt is on and working in the narcissist’s favour.

They can be convincing, because they convince themselves of it first, and will get you to believe it, because they believe it themselves and because everyone has narcissistic tendencies… and if you’re not a narcissist you will worry yourself into doubter’s hell about the slightest narcissistic behaviour you find in yourself, and you will tear yourself apart trying to ‘fix’ what is wrong with you.

Once it occurs to them to label you a narcissist, everything falls into place for them. They can’t fathom how come they didn’t realise you were narcissist before (this just proves how innocent and good they are)! OMG, it all makes sense now! All those times you said no to them when they (made an inappropriate and unrealistic demand) asked you for a tiny favour… and you made them feel bad for doing it!

They can excuse their shitty treatment of you using one word – Narcissist – against you.


Victim card


You’re a narcissist, narcissist, narcissist… they will keep repeating, nagging you to death, and feel self righteous while doing it.

You’re evil incarnate, a monster, not human, a Machiavellian villain who has been masquerading as a hero… no wonder you didn’t save them from all those dragons and perils! You are all those dragons and perils!!!

They will use every article they find about narcissists against you, and they will research the condition thoroughly because:

a) – It gives them ammo for their you-destroying gun. When you bent over backwards to please them – Love-bombing. When you decided to stand up for yourself after they accused you of something you didn’t do – Gaslighting. When you were ill and they needed you to cater to their needs – Playing the victim.

b) – They need to know how to not behave, how to adjust their persona, and how to prepare their defense should you decide to flip things around on them – narcissists are known to twist things around to suit them and they need to protect themselves against you doing that.

c) – They need to learn exactly how a victim of narcissists experiences a narcissist as they need to incorporate all of that (and I do mean ALL of it) into their story when telling (recruiting) others about how you, the narcissist, abused them, the innocent victim. They need to become the victimiest victim in the world (kind of like they need to always be the smartest person in the room) as they can’t allow anyone to harbour the slightest doubt or to dismiss them the way that they regularly doubt and dismiss others.



get over it narcissist style


When I was about 18 months old, my father suffered from an almost fatal case of blood-poisoning. It was almost fatal because he passed out at the wheel of his car and crashed into a ditch – thanks to a hitchhiker who found him, managed to get the car out of the ditch and drive to the nearest hospital, my father was treated. However he wasn’t out of the near death experience woods.

It took him months to recover, and during that time he was psychotically delusional due to the poison in his system. I only know about this because my mother liked to tell me this story. My father never spoke about it.

Each time my mother told it, it got more and more dramatic, with her as the central character – the star! The tragic figure, the martyred saint (her favourite role), who was surrounded by horror, by evil, by villains who were trying to kill her innocent beauty, and yet somehow lived to tell the tale (over and over again and again) – so, she was a heroin of mythic proportions.

I apparently had German measles at the time (which was inconsiderate of me as I needed care, I was also displaying weakness which made her look bad, and I should have known before I got such a childish and irrelevant illness that it would be a nuisance to her – and I wasn’t doing it right, when she got German measles as a child she almost died!)…


narcissistic motherly love


I once floated off with the tide when left in a flotation device for infants in the sea (I think that I was probably making a bid for freedom with my tiny legs kicking desperately)… my mother only became aware of this after several annoying beach-goers disturbed her to inform her with their stupid judgmental concerns that her child had almost crossed the Mediterranean and perhaps she should stop sunbathing… why do people feel the need to stick their noses in other peoples’ business!?! She only did something about it because otherwise it might ruin her perfect mother image.

During the time my father was on the verge of death, my mother found herself in such a precariously Damsel in Distress position that you’d think she preferred it to other positions…

He kept accusing her of poisoning him, and his family (who selfishly with evil intent) visited him regularly (hoping he would die so that they could claim his fortune and cut his wife and child out of their share) believed him (a crazy person!).

My mother wasn’t totally delusional about my father’s family – they did hate her, and they did love him more for his money than anything else.

My father was the eldest of a big family which didn’t have a responsible father and had an hysterical mother who once chased her husband to the station where he was catching a train to elope with his mistress while carrying a meat cleaver in her purse… just in case, you know…

My father replaced his father, even though his father was still around (except when he was in jail), as head of the family. His siblings became his children. His mother became… dependent upon him. He was adored and hated for this for a variety of behind closed doors reasons.

One family myth tells the tale of a mother who decided to treat her eldest child badly because when she had her next child she didn’t want it, but she was a good Catholic in a good Catholic country so… she felt really guilty about having such thoughts, for having feelings, and made penance by hating the child she loved and loving the child she hated.

Other children were born, and they were all loved more than the first because… penance never ends. This was not a secret in the family… or outside of it.

Is it any wonder that my father developed the kind of – fuck you world, you’re all a bunch of assholes – attitude that he had. He figured everyone was out to slice a piece of him off, get their pound of flesh, and they didn’t care how much it hurt him, so why should he care how much he hurt them.

Seems logical. Even if it is twisted.

Some theorise that a narcissist is created by being spoiled… there are many ways to spoil a child.


narcissist parent:child dynamic


My father rarely spoke about his childhood unless it was to give credit to those who helped him develop a natural talent which enabled him to drag his way out of poverty and amass a small fortune (especially by today’s standards) which allowed his family to live well.

His went against family pressure to seize it, his hands bled for it, his heart died for it, it was his… and they wanted it, felt entitled to it – fuck the details of it!

My mother never let them forget the details of it, because the moment she joined forces with my father – he belonged to her and she owned the copyright to his being and everything connected to it.



Once a narcissist has a relationship with you – you belong to them, and should be grateful that you do because you didn’t exist until they noticed you.

You – they will study you until they know you better than you know yourself, they will obsess over you and tell you that this is true love… everything is wrong with you, but don’t worry, they’re going to fix all of that and turn you into a monument of themselves.

That’s what artists do.

They take something shoddy which has potential and destroy it to recreate it in their image.

They have multiple persona disorder, and after they’ve touched you with their magic, so will you… one of the personas which they usually don’t have is that of a narcissist, but you… you will be given this one…

and you will be forced to accept it.


They're not mine - Andy Whiteextract via Sado-Masochism and the Self by Andy White


Someone has to accept it… and it will never be them.

End of part two…

Part one is here (click here)

There may be a part three where I actually make a list… but… I don’t know yet…



  1. I just want you to know I LOVE your blogs and I believe it was a was a true miracle that I stumbled onto it. Your posts have cleared up so much for me.

    My mother was a narcissist (she is deceased) and I knew that – was told by a professional and was able to work through a lot of stuff. However, what I did not realize until I read some of your blogs was that I keep attracting friends who are my mother! I get to keep working through my issues. Wow. I recently had a “best” girlfriend (of 3 years) throw my away out if the clear blue and cut off all communication 3 days after telling me in writing that I am best friend ever, she will love forever, etc., etc. There was No explanation and she has ignored my requests for an explanation. BUT, thanks to YOU, I now get it. I have a Master’s degree in psychology, have worked as a counselor in alcohol rehabs, have many psych books but never have I seen explanations as good as yours. YOU ARE AMAZING

    Thank you Carol Davis http://www.changelesschange.com

    > > Carol Davis > It is in my darkest hour I learn the most about my light and my relationship with Light > > Get my book, Changeless Change, here



  2. They certainly do know you better than you know yourself. I guess that’s because they don’t have any characteristics of their own cluttering up all that brain-space.

    Your mother. Zowie. She is really something, and not in a good way, either.


    • I see it the other way around. They don’t know diddly about you because they’re too cluttered in the membrane with themselves. There is so much static noise in their minds that there’s no room for anyone or anything else in there. The amount of times I’ve just kind of stood there and stared at a narcissist who had just finished explaining to me who I am, and they got it so wrong it boggled the mind… total strangers know me better than the narcissists in my life.

      I was once at a dinner party and someone I don’t know noticed something spot on about me which my mother wouldn’t have noticed even if I hit her right between the eyes with it and drilled it into her brain (which I did try to do – I have this bad habit of saying the same thing three times in a row, drives my friends crazy… I picked it up from trying to get something through to my mother). She still can’t remember what day I was born on, but I should be eternally grateful she can recall the month (and that’s only because it has a personal significance to her).

      However, they do have a knack, an instinctual cunning like children, for finding out which buttons to push, and people tend to assume that if someone knows your buttons, they know you. They use a push all the buttons until you find the ones which get a reaction tactic. Then keep pushing those. If your reactive buttons happen to be the same ones that they have, then they use a sort of bad empathy to get under your skin. They hate it when people do this, so if they do this to you, you’ll hate it and you’ll do anything they want you to do to make it stop.

      They’re basically good at giving you the impression that they know you, and then you fill in the blanks for them. It’s not unlike the cold readings which psychics do.

      How does this person know so much about me? Because you told them and then they repeated it back to you. But I didn’t tell them… oh, yes, you did, you just weren’t listening to yourself when you did, and you can’t see yourself when you talk, your face and body told them more about you than you’re aware of. Did you wince slightly when you spoke of your father… now they know your father is a button to press with you. Did your eyes widen, and look up, did your lips tremble with a hopeful smile when you spoke of love… now they know you’re idealistic about love, still seeking that perfect fantasy lover. To find your body issues, they flattered you until you looked uncomfortable – now they know which part is your soft spot.

      They interrogate you until they’ve got a list of what bothers you about you – they can flatter this or attack it. Tell you what you’ve always wanted to hear or tell you what you fear to hear. And you have given them all of this information – they don’t know you, but you know you… you just don’t know how much you know about yourself, and how much you tell others about yourself.

      Covert narcissists tend to use the push all the buttons tactic more than the cold reading because they’re lazier than overt narcissists who prefer the interrogation tactic as they feel masterful when they do it.

      Or at least that’s my take from my experience of my narcissists. It does vary and we do have to take ourselves into account. We sometimes focus so much on the narcissist that we forget to factor ourselves into the equation – we have a major influence on how they are with us, because they often are trying to be us.


Comments are closed.