Tales from Narcville: How to Deal With a Narcissist… part three…


Stop thinking about your narcissist.

Stop thinking about everything they have done to you.

Stop thinking about the pain you are in.



Stop thinking about all that you did or didn’t do. About the red flags you ignored. About how you were love-bombed, gaslighted, hoovered, smear-campaigned, silent-treatmented, infected with fleas, discarded, manipulated, emotionally blackmailed, used and abused, and that the love wasn’t real, it was all a big lie.

Stop thinking about what’s wrong with you, you’re co-dependent, an enabler, a people-pleaser, a magnet for narcissists, too highly sensitive, too empathic, lack self-esteem, weak, gullible, stupid, an idiot for falling for a narcissist and allowing them to get under your skin, inside your head, play with your heart.

Stop thinking about how to fix yourself, how to heal yourself, how to mend your broken self, how to glue your shattered pieces back together, how to protect yourself from narcissists.

Stop reading about how to stop thinking about your narcissist.

Have you stopped?


You’re not the only one who can’t stop thinking about narcissists, we’re all obsessed with them.

The more we think about them, the more obsessed with them we become… with them, it’s still all about them, even when we’re trying to make all about them all about us.


dear diary...by introvert doodlesvia introvertdoddles


They’re the same way about themselves, they can’t stop thinking about themselves, even when they think they’re thinking about someone else… their thoughts about others are about them.

If you’re wondering how the narcissist in your life could forget about you so easily…

That thought hurts like hell, doesn’t it.

Part of you wishes you could be like them and forget about them as easily as they’ve forgotten about you.

They haven’t forgotten about you, they just don’t want to think about themselves in that way. Thinking about you hurts them… that’s why they’re pretending that it isn’t happening.


You don’t know that, you don’t know what’s going on inside their mind… you don’t really want to know that even when you think you do.

You’re afraid of their mind… because your mind is frightening you with your mental concepts of their mind.

The idea that they could forget about you so easily… that’s your idea… you think it belongs to them due to superficial appearances… and you’re hurting yourself with it…

And your view that they’re not thinking about you… actually makes you think about them even more.




You want to get under their skin, inside their head, and play with their heart. You want to do to them what they did to you… or at least make them feel your pain, the pain they caused you. You want them to hurt the way you’re hurting… because then, if they feel it, you might be able to stop feeling it.

Just for once you’d like for them to acknowledge what they did to you, to validate you, take responsibility, accept the blame, and be so profoundly affected that they finally offer you a sincere apology.

You know that isn’t going to happen, but maybe… if you could just figure them out, you’d be able to get through to them and then the ghost of the you who died when the relationship went from dream to nightmare can finally rest in peace. You can move on. Stop being haunted by the past and start living in the present looking forward to a future which is narcissist-free.



You want to break so badly that you’re tied up in its knots… this time though, you’re done, finished, kaput. this is the last cigarette you’ll ever smoke (puff, puff, puff on the delicious fumes… shit! Do I really have to give it up even though it’s killing me!?!), this is the last drink you’ll ever drink (narcohol… that intoxicating thing is ruining your will to liver and your live-r… but… ugh-oh!)…

This is the very last peep you’ll lurkingly take of some blogger’s meltdown as they rant, rave, and just can’t let go of their narcissist… shit! They’re so fucked up… that’s not you, that’s not you, it’s you… it’s not you… rocking backwards and forwards hugging yourself.. don’t comment on the post, don’t let anyone know you’ve read it even as anonymous, delete history, delete cache, delete cookies – shit! – but maybe read the other comments… if anyone is brave and crazy enough to comment… OMG they’re telling your story… shhh… that’s you but… no, it’s not you… you’re not that far gone…

You scour the internet reading every article you can find about narcissists, you buy every book which promises to unravel the mystery of the narcissist, and hope that someday, somewhere, somehow you’ll find the magic formula which will not only release you from your narcissist, their hold over you, but will miraculously cure you from everything which ails you, and make your fingers let go of the past.


organised chaos


I watched a film last night (Gayby) where one character told another – If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical – in other words if your reaction to a relationship is too strong, overly emotional, fear-based, then that relationship has elements of past relationships within it, ones which are connected to wounds within you – a fear of being abandoned, of not being lovable, of not deserving respect, of not being worthy…

Why me? Why does this keep happening to me?

I sorted that shit out and learned to laugh at it, laugh at my past because in the present things are supposed to be different…

You thought it would be different this time… Why isn’t it? You did that positive thinking power of attraction affirmation stuff until you got a nose bleed… What are you doing wrong? What is wrong with you?

The problem with asking a question such as – What is wrong with me? – is that there is a world of people out there, many of whom don’t know you and don’t really care to know you, who will jump in with an answer because they get an ego boost from telling you what your problems are. Compared to you they’re frigging sorted…

They benefit from your pain.

There is also a world of people who will tell you that there is nothing wrong with you that can’t be fixed by their special formula.

They profit from your pain. Take two of these and… hopefully you’ll be too embarrassed to call me in the morning unless you’re willing to pay for more nonsense.

I once bought a – How to get rich – book wherein the first tip the author shared was – Thanks for making me rich by buying this book which you thought would make you rich. My book can’t make you rich, but the fact that you think it can is making me rich. He was a bit of a maverick. He basically was saying – you’re a sucker and I’m making my fortune off of that. His aim was to show people that… THAT! He’d been a sucker too… had made others rich because of it. He was getting rich too because of it, but he was passing it on rather than hiding it and pretending that he wasn’t profiting from it.

He was saying – Think and grow rich, my ass! But… if people think they can think themselves rich… sell it and get rich off of that kind of delusional magically-inclined thinking.

That’s humans… and being human for you!


R.I.P. Human Race


There is also a world of people who will tell you what is right with you, for free… but you’ve got to believe it.

Have you ever noticed how a criticism always seems to penetrates deeper into you than a compliment.

9 out of 10 people can tell you how talented, beautiful, intelligent, interesting, fun, you are, but the 1 out of 10 who tells you you’re talent-less, ugly, stupid, boring, a killjoy, is the one who gets your attention.

Twitter lesson 101… all those who follow aren’t as important as the one person who follows you and then gets you to notice them because they’ve unfollowed you. All your followers are shit compared to them.

Facebook lesson 101… all those friends who friend you and stay your friend through everything you do on FB don’t affect you as much as the one who unfriends you, blocks you, deletes you from existence. All those other friends who stick with you don’t matter as much as the one who doesn’t.

Blogger lesson 101… you get ‘Likes’ but they’re never enough, some other blogger always gets more, you get loads of traffic but if that traffic isn’t translated into a ‘Like’ on your post – your post has over 500,000 views, and thousands of shares, but it only has 30 ‘Likes’… and the blogging world judges you on that, so do you.

You want what you’re not getting and can’t see what you have because of it… can’t see how you’re making those who are loyal to you feel like shit because you’re too caught up in the shitty side of social media to appreciate what you have – you want what you don’t have…


The negative is somehow more effective than the positive in getting our undivided attention. That one criticism will mean more to us than those 9 compliments, even if the criticism is a lie and the compliments are the truth.



clothes - the naked truth


Is it because the truth is supposed to hurt? So if something doesn’t hurt, then it must be a lie? Yet lies hurt too… BUT, the truth is also supposed to set us free and nothing sets us free like a lie once we’ve exposed it, right?

Okay, maybe not… not when that lie is one told by a narcissist. Why? Because once we figure out that the narcissist has been lying to us, it brings everything into question and we no longer can tell the difference between what is real and what is unreal.

This is one of the reasons we become obsessed with narcissists, and will make our fingers bleed on a keyboard as we search for answers to the endless questions which bombard our mind.

Sometimes we find answers to our questions… but how long does the buzz we get from that last before we spiral again into our own private hell of pain, suffering and confusion, and isn’t it so much worse after we thought we’d finally figured something out only to lose it again.

Why are we really searching… what are we really looking for?

We think we want someone else to tell us – How to deal with a narcissist – and we think that’s what we want to know, we think we want control, to control them, to control ourselves, to get control over the chaos and make it tidy, we think we want power over them so we can regain power over ourselves, they’ve had power over us for too long and look at the mess they’ve made of us, we think we want to end the games, the interminable game of chess, and if we could just learn to ultimate moves to make to get a checkmate…



extreme games of lifeWould you risk it all for you? Yet you expect someone else to do that to prove their love to you?


Do you know what the ultimate checkmate is to win with a narcissist?

There are some great tactics offered online and in books, there are some people out there who write those articles and books who definitely deserve the title of Narcissist Expert. They will tell you everything you need to know about narcissists and dealing with a narcissist – they’ll teach you how to hone yourself into a mental chess master.


The real adversary in your life, and in your relationship with your particular narcissist, isn’t the narcissist who is this other person you’re trying to deal with and win against.

Yes, they’re an adversary and they will keep being that way until you… face your real adversary.

You don’t need me to tell you who that is, you already know, you’ve always known…

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, they say… why do they say that? Is it a clever tactic or a statement of something rather disturbing about human nature.

Who is the closest enemy you will ever keep?


darkness - jung


The one who makes you obsess over a narcissist.

The one who makes you think you’re broken, damaged, need fixing.

The one who makes you think that it’s easier to accept that you’re a co-dependent, an enabler, etc. who needs to completely overhaul themselves… while shifting the blame yet accepting all of it.

The one who makes you chase after all those things you think you don’t have while ignoring everything you do have.

Who is the real narcissist in your life?

In all my years of dealing with narcissists, and trying every tactic in the book – in the unofficial book that no one has written, but which you write yourself when you deal with narcissists on a daily basis…

I read an article recently by someone who has become a celebrated expert on narcissists… which outlined things we ‘the people’ don’t know about narcissists. I felt like a smug asshole narcissist while reading it. This expert’s ground-breaking revelations were old news to me. I was aware of this before this expert was aware of narcissists. I’m such an a-hole smartest person in the room… and it hasn’t benefited me one bit being that way, but this expert… they’re getting loads of benefits form it because they’ve timed it well.

Kudos… hope this expert’s work really helps others.

Yes, I’m a bit skeptical… because narcissists aren’t as easily pigeon-holed as narcissists pigeon-hole others. No one is that easy to pigeon-hole… narcissist or not, narcissist doing the pigeon-holing or not…

Sure… some of these pigeon-holing practices are useful, but… how many of us actually live up to who people think we are? And when they deal with us based on that… does it work?

Sometimes it works some of the time and you get a win, but a win against a narcissist is fleeting… that same tactic which got you a win might incur a loss when you try it again.

The person most likely to study you as though you’re stereotype is – a narcissist. Their minds are so paranoid that… don’t try the same tactic with them more than once if the first time you did it earned you a win and cost them a loss.

Please be consciously aware that narcissists may be the ones teaching you how to deal with narcisissts, and their criteria for who is a narcissist may be based on people who aren’t narcisissists.

Narcissists invented the whole – Ditch toxic people from your life campaign. The discard… 101.


narc tactics


What works on some narcissists, won’t work on others because…

Your narcissist may not actually be a narcissist at all.

Or… although narcissists similar they have differences, they are as individual as every human is.

We all have similarities, we all have differences… differences which alter our similarities maybe in a similar way… yet we’re all individual, unique, experience being human… alone. We are together and alone. Connected and disconnected.

The greatest narcissist I have ever had to deal with… isn’t my mother, or my father, or those others I have known, or even society in its Me-Me-Me-est form.

The first rule of dealing with a narcissist – Make sure you’re not the one who is the narcissist.

Here’s my third take on this.

You may not be a narcissist in the conventional manner. A narcissist to others. You don’t have NPD.

You may have so much empathy that you completely ignore yourself because you’re too busy feeling for others. How many times have you dismissed your own pain because someone else was in more pain than you? How many times have you told yourself – things could be worse, and you’ve made yourself feel guilty or ashamed for worrying about a problem that is trivial compared to the problems others have to face.


poisonous people - friends family - you?You for yourself?


You’re suffering because you’re not as thin as you’d like to be – Some people are starving on this planet, they’d love to be worrying about how they should be eating less.

You’re in pain because your home isn’t the ideal one you wish it was, and you’re worrying about how this reflects upon you, you’re not as successful as you’d like to be – Think of the Syrians. Think of all the asylum seeking refugees of this world who wish they had your problems.

You’re anxious because there’s a spider in your bathtub, a bully at your school or workplace who picks on you – Some people live their entire lives under a dictatorship and get ‘disappeared’ without a trace and no one cares. They don’t matter on a daily basis.

You’re pissed off because you have to deal with sexual harassment and discrimination – My mother taught me about pedophiles, rapists and the like by telling me a horror story about a child friend of hers who did a stranger in distress a favour and was never seen again, and by giving me a book on the White Slave Trade. After reading that a wolf whistle seemed harmless, a derogatory sexist remark was nothing compared to being abducted, forced into sexual slavery and killed off when you got too old to make someone else money or give them pleasure.


your problem or theirs - never good enoughAre you never good enough for yourself?


I learned to dismiss myself, detach from my petty concerns… everyone else had it worse than I did, and they reminded me of that every time I forgot to remember.

I became my own narcissist… towards myself, not towards others because that would be selfish and punishable by disapproving, disappointed, dissing looks, sounds, voices expressing their opinion that you should keep your opinion to yourself.

Your self must die so that the self of others can live. You self must mask itself – be good, be kind, be compassionate, empathic, considerate to everyone but yourself.

Hide your shadow side, this bothers others because it triggers them and that is disturbing of you.

Betray yourself to be true to who others want to be.

Be positive, unless your positive is deemed negative.

Don’t take things personally, but take them personally.

Don’t be sensitive, but don’t be insensitive either.

Don’t be, but don’t not be either.

Welcome to hell, pretend it’s heaven.

Treat yourself like shit, but don’t let anyone else know you’re doing it, and don’t admit it to yourself either because… now you need to find a reason for it. Don’t blame yourself, it’s someone else’s fault, it’s your parents’ fault, don’t blame yours parents, society disapproves of that, it’s your fault… don’t blame yourself.

Your self-esteem is in tatters, sort it out… by telling yourself that it’s not!


problems with self-esteemextract via Move away Self-Esteem, Make Way for Self-Compassion


Let others treat you like shit, but don’t let others know this is what they’re doing, put up with it, they put up with you, don’t make them admit it to themselves because… they can’t handle this right now, they’re suffering too much, you’re insensitive, unempathic, think about poor them not poor you… what? They’re not being unempathic, insensitive… are you calling them a hypocrite, you hypocrite!

You know what you are… don’t worry if you don’t, and don’t be so deluded if you do… they’re going to tell you who you are because this will distract them from who they are, their own shit by telling you about yours…

The second rule of dealing with a narcissist – If you think you’re the narcissist, double, triple and quadruple check that opinion. Especially the source of it – narcissists love to make you out to be the narcissist.

This is my second take on this.

If you’re not a narcissist you will end up thinking you’re the narcissist, because it’s easier to deal with even if it’s an awful idea.

No one really wants you to be good, because being good is a cutthroat business, everyone is always competing to be the goodest, bestest, kindest person in the world. The prize is magnificent – sainthood, but you do have to get martyred to win it… although some people will sell you some snake oil which in theory makes you slip through some loopholes that others don’t know about even if this is being sold to everyone.

Remember when you climb this ladder to make it impossible for anyone else to climb… but your climb needs the contributions and donations others are willing to give you for you to sell them the secret of how to climb this ladder.

I’ve tried competing in this contest… oh, how I’ve tried to be good based on everyone else’s version of what that is… but I was never good enough. I wonder why?

One day I… gave up. If you can’t beat them join them? No, if you can’t beat them, let them win.

Best decision I ever made, and it hurt like hell to make it, was… let yourself be the baddie.

But… wait… this is terrible advice!




Don’t become the baddie they need you to be for them… you have the same chances of achieving that as you do of becoming the mythical goodie they keep challenging you to be but never allow you to become.

You’re in a strange position – damned if you do, damned if you don’t, damned… so, you basically have nothing to gain and nothing to lose.

Every gain you think you can gain can be turned into a loss by a narcissist… and everything you think you can lose and think you can stop yourself from losing can be taken from you by a narcissist.

Who is the narcissist that’s giving and taking it all away from you the most?

The hardest and best thing I have ever done is… just letting myself be without thinking that through.

Of course… there is a world of people who will tell you how to be yourself, who have turned it into a business… due to demand = supply.

You don’t know how to be yourself without them telling you how to be yourself!

First they’ll make you think you can’t know yourself…

Then they’ll offer to sell you a magic formula which will help you become yourself… just as they’ll offer you a quick and easy to follow miracle of how to deal with a narcissist… always at a price.

If you really want it… you’ll pay the price for it, and keep paying that price until you realise they’re selling you something they don’t actually have.

Who they are… needs you not to know or be who you are… how can they be who they’re pretending to be if you know who you are?

They’r e never going to tell you what they don’t know… but suspect…

You’re the only one who has it… whatever it is, but as long as they can convince you that you don’t have it, and they do that with your assistance… which is galling, so galling you’ll do everything in your power not to see it…


francesca woodman


You know how to be you… the best teacher you’ll ever have is yourself.

Problem is… you don’t like you…


Because you’re so beautiful… it’s ugly.

Want to know why you can’t stop…

Stop thinking about your narcissist?

They showed you your beauty… then showed you the ugly side of you being that beautiful.

You’re not really obsessed with your narcissist… not that ‘your narcissist’ who is someone else… who you’re really obsessed with is your inner narcissist who wants to love your own beauty and hates every beautiful thing about you , making it ugly… that ugliness fascinates more than the beauty ever will.

Human nature is primal… and very ugly… that’s the beauty of it.

Am I really the bitch you see me as being or… are you the bitch you see in me? That bitch fascinates you… own her, let her show you inside yourself…

Or just keep projecting and transferring… until you run out of people to do that to… oh… you’ll never run out of people to do that to because each time one dies… a new one is born… so… you’ll never face yourself and benefit, profit, be transformed by your own pain.

Want to really deal with the narcissist in your life, then stop… using them to not deal with the real narcissist in your life. Look at what you’re fighting against… and what tells you about what’s going on between you and you…



The strange position in which I have placed myself (which I started this whole series off for me) is one where people ask me questions about how to deal with their narcissist.

Why do they do that?

I’m a mess.

If I was a coffee, I’d be a macchiato… maybe… the first and last time I ordered such a thing, it just looked like an extra frothy cappucino to me. It was rather delicious but it was all froth… yes, I can be all froth at times because I’m trying to mitigate the espresso within which will make your brain explode due to the sudden pure caffeine rush.

I grew up with narcissists… don’t expect me to be an easy brew to drink. I wish I was, I’ve tried to be, but…

I grew up with narcissists… being considered as human or anything at all, or at all… is rare and usually not a good thing.

When you read my posts… do I exist to you, am I human, am I real… have you even considered that? Have you bothered finding out anything about me, and if you have… is it me you’re seeing or yourself reflected in me?

Who am I to you…?


The Gilded caged


I’m used to being a mirror for the projected images of others. So used to it I don’t even bother wondering if others are seeing me… I look at the image they have of me to see them. For those who wonder how come I’m quite good at reading people… that’s how. I take what you’re seeing in me, in others, and flip it back around on you… it speaks to me of you.

Tell me you think I’m beautiful… Hello, Beautiful you!  Tell me you think I’m ugly… Hello, Ugly you! Tell me you think I’m caring… Hello, Caring you! Tell me you think I’m a bitch… Hello, Bitch!

Hello, I am Echo… I’m an echo of you. This can and probably will annoy the eff out of you (especially if you want me to accept something from you – I’m gift-phobic)… and will soothe you deeply with the validation you it can offer… it all depends on how you use it, how you use me… to get to know yourself.

I’m used to being a nothing, a nobody, invisible, a figment of other people’s imagination, unsure if I’m real. It takes me awhile to realise when someone is actually seeing me, hearing me… listening to me. I’m too busy seeing you, hearing you, listening to you…


vidi, vici awkwardBeing seen, heard… being in the spotlight is unnerving…


Yes, this is the real me… just as what you find in me is the real you. It’s weird, I know… just go with it.

I’m used to being ignored, having words put in my mouth, thoughts put in my head, emotions projected into me, images reflected onto me. Don’t mind me, I’m not here.

It’s okay, let yourself do it… I won’t lose myself in you, and you might find yourself in me.

I’m used to people deciding who I am, and arguing with me when I disagree with them about their version of me.

I do that sometimes… we don’t always accept who we are.

I’m used other people’s eyes not seeing me, but seeing what they want to see. Not hearing me, but hearing what they want to hear. Not feeling me, but feeling what they want to feel… feeling what they’re feeling but telling me it’s what I’m feeling.

You’re angry… you tell me I’m angry. Whatever helps you deal with that anger… be careful though… echoes sometimes bite back.

I have a system in place these days that allows me to find myself. I’m okay, don’t worry about me… what’s up with you?



I’m used to people using me to hurt themselves, then hurting me for the way they used me to hurt themselves.

I don’t like it when you use me to hurt yourself… I might try to snap you out of it, which will sting… us both. It’s okay, let’s bleed together and then heal each other because we accept we’re human and do shit like this to each other… but we can heal it… do that kind of shit to each other too.

[I once wrote a tweet about my relationship with my father, shortly after I found out he had died… someone on Twitter decided to make that tweet all about them. They accused me of all sorts of villainy against them due to the subtweet rule of everyone else needing to take your stuff personally… and wouldn’t listen to reason because they needed my story to be about them… okay… if you make me your shadow, be prepared to be engulfed by it… oh, you want me to back off, so… back off then… your shadow does what you do]

I’m used to having my words and story twisted to suit the twisted story they have in their mind of themselves, and how they want to fit me into that even if they have to break every bone in my body to do that.

I sometimes leave the building and let others do whatever they were always going to do – that’s how I’ve dealt with narcissists in the past, after trying other tactics which never really worked. Those clever well thought out tactics work sometimes… and sometimes they backfire because a narcissist is an ever-changing entity.

They are Borg… and they will assimilate you.

Yes, I sort of just gave up… sometimes it is a solution to an impossible problem, and besides, it’s exhausting dealing with a narcissist, so giving up is just another way of your whole being telling you it’s too tired to bother anymore.

System overload… anhedonia ensues.


reset the world


I’m not an easy brew…

Is anyone an easy brew?

Are you?

Can I figure out how to deal with you in three easy steps?

Yes? Go on then… outline those steps for me. Try to whittle yourself down to fit into one piece of carry-on luggage which won’t get anyone into trouble when passing through airport security.

Yet… you might want someone somewhere to whittle down someone else for you to deal with them in several easy steps. And this someone else you want reduced to a simple list might be a narcissist.

A narcissist with whom you’ve had a relationship, and you’ve drunk enough of that brew to know that – a) it causes painful flatulence, and – b) its ingredients are so complicated that it has tied your stomach in knots, has given you an ulcer, and your intestines are riddled with holes (which explains the flatulence).


speaking with a Narcissist


I’ve tried to whittle myself down in the past because… there were too many me’s inhabiting me. This is something which happens when you spend too much time in Narcville.

Narcissists don’t just have multiple personas for themselves, they have them for others too. They’re quite generous with them, especially if you’re their only child and they need you to fill several roles in their latest play.

I am the earth, I am the ocean, I am the universe in motion… I am the hero, I am the villain, I am neither and both at the same time… I am you, I am you… it is all about you…

[want to know what upset that person on Twitter the most about my tweets regarding my father which they took as subtweets about them – I said “You’re not interested in me at all, you’re only interested in me being interested in you, that’s why you’re interested in me”]

And in this all about you… I find myself by finding you and making me all about you, I become all about you, you make me all about you and as you do that you become all about me…


It’s never really about the narcissist…




It’s about you…

If we can learn to deal with ourselves… then we’ve learned to deal with everyone else, including the narcissist.

How to deal with a narcissist – deal with the narcissist within.

You will always be crueler to yourself than anyone else can be… deal with that and what anyone else does to you will be an insight into the stuff they’re doing to themselves, not what they’re doing to you…

I know… you need to figure this one out for yourself…. like I did for myself…

I still have to deal with some of the narcissists in my life…

When I do… I check with the inner one… see what it’s up to…

Dealing with that one has made dealing with anyone outside more dealable… accept yourself… accept others…

It’s never going to be easy… tidy… orderly…

Life is a storm…



  1. You are AMAZING. I just sat down to send email to asking these very questions. You read my mind.

    I keep thinking if I learn enough, I will cease attracting my narcissistic mother in all my close friends. I never realize it is my mother – again – until I am discarded. Discarded suddenly and with reason or explanation and often after I have been told, I will be here forever.

    Do they EVER think of what they have done and feel remorse and/or have second thoughts?

    I have sent written communication asking for explanation with no response. She told another friend she was “so proud of herself because was setting healthy boundaries for herself.” No one knew she was talking about me.

    She has to see me at least once a week because of what we do at our spiritual center.

    She told me many times and just before she discarded me that I was a the best friend she has ever had.

    Just like your blog says, I am so done but still keep looking stuff up on internet. YOUR BLOG is my fav.

    > > Carol Davis > It is in my darkest hour I learn the most about my light and my relationship with Light > > Get my book, Changeless Change, here


    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you very much 🙂

      I’ve come to a compromise with myself about attracting narcissists. I’ve stopped trying to figure out how to not attract them, because in the long run it’s a giant headache, and since narcissists are often attracted to our natural qualities and the things about us which others who are not narcissists also find attractive, it could end up harming us to try to not attract them. Instead I’ve focused my energy on repelling a narcissist once they’ve been attracted. It’s easier to do.

      If the narcissists whom you attract are similar to your narcissistic mother, then attracting them offers you an opportunity to address the issues which you have with your mother through these mother-like narcissistic friends. That’s pretty much what caused me to start sharing my story online. I had a friend who gradually reminded me so much of my mother my brain started to confuse them, and I was able to work out some of my issues with my mother through our relationship. I was able to see my own part in the dynamic more clearly than I had ever seen it with my mother. I observed myself acting out the pattern I had with my mother with this friend, and the observations I made helped me to figure out how to stop participating in the dynamic.

      Turn the problem into a solution, and try not to pick on yourself for attracting yet another mother-like narcissistic friend. Find out what attracts them, you might be surprised by the answer as it could point to a beautiful gift you have within you.

      As for whether they ever think of what they’ve done, feel remorse, have second thoughts… it’s complicated and contradictory, as everything is with them. They do, but they don’t – they don’t do it the way we want them to do it or would do it if we were in their shoes. It’s not about us, it’s about them. When they think about what they’ve done, they’re always the hero for doing it and they have a justification for it which absolves them. When they feel remorse, they’re feeling sorry for themselves. Second-thoughts… they don’t really do doubt the way most of us do it. Their version of doubt has to do with maintaining their persona and their version of reality, they worry about how something will make them look, and they’re concerned about how it affects their story. However, since they’re always rewriting reality, they can alter the story, and since they can discard you and then change their minds, come back into your life as though nothing happened… it’s never about us, our feelings or anything like that, it’s all about them.

      If this friend is a typical narcissist, she’ll have done this pattern with others before she did it with you, and if you’ve been friends for a while, she’ll have related stories of those relationships with you. What she told you about her relationships with others whom she had to ‘discard’ will inform you about how she views your relationship and her part in it ending.

      As for telling you just before the discard that you were her best friend, the best she had ever had – she meant it when she was saying it, and every time she said it previously. It sounded good to her when she said it and she felt good about herself saying it. Subsequently she changed her mind. She may change her mind again. Next week you may be her best friend again. The week after that you may be discarded again.

      Narcissists’ minds don’t work the way that the minds of non-narcissists do. They’re like children – one minute someone is their bestest friend in the entire world, and the next minute that same person is their mortal enemy, and then they’re best friends again, and then they’re never going to speak to them ever again, and so on.

      I once had a narcissist tell me this dramatic tale of someone who they were convinced was a malignant narcissist or maybe a sociopath who had been abusing them, manipulating them, of whom they were physically afraid, so much so they were terrified of being in the same room alone with them. This story went on and on, escalating in drama with malignant narcissist-sociopaths everywhere in this narcissist’s life, and they were desperate to be free. Then the narcissist disappeared for a month or so, when they came back they told me that this someone who had terrified them was their best friend, the greatest person they had ever met, and how much they loved being alone with them, they felt so relaxed, happy and alive when they were with this person. Their entire story changed, and it was as though they had never told me the previous story. They discarded me the moment I questioned their new version of this relationship. I was no longer useful because I was playing the role assigned to me. If they thought about me afterwards, it was as a character in some other fiction about themselves.

      Other people don’t really exist to narcissists, we’re all one-dimensional characters in an epic tale about themselves – that tale changes all the time depending on the latest persona they’re creating for themselves. The story sometimes changes when they’re into a new trend, reading some new self-improvement book, influenced by a new ‘guru’ or have a new best friend whom they want to impress or be like.

      It’s actually more of a relief when they don’t think about you, as you get written out of their story and don’t have to worry about what shit they’re making up. The less they think about, the easier it is to move on.

      Focus on yourself, that’s where the real healing takes place 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Do They ever feel bad or even think about throwing you away? Do they even think about telling you they love you and will never leave and the next day be gone. Really. My head is REALLY screwed up around this

    > > Carol Davis > It is in my darkest hour I learn the most about my light and my relationship with Light > > Get my book, Changeless Change, here



    • You might find this worth reading


      It’s a letter written by a narcissist who acknowledges they’re a narcissist, and is explaining what goes on inside the mind of a narcissist. The writer has been in therapy for NPD and is only just beginning to see how he may have hurt others, but he’s having a hard time really accepting it.

      This is also very worth reading, if you can get past the messy formatting of the text


      It explains how a narcissist is formed. Their experience when they were children of emotions like love was usually strictly conditional. They were loved when they performed, lived up to expectations placed upon them, or because someone was in the mood to be loving, and were not loved when they did not perform, when they disappointed expectations placed upon them, or when someone was not in the mood to love them. The love they experienced as children came and went with each moment, could be switched on and off by a change of mind, a change of mood, a change in the weather. One minute they were loved, the next they were no longer loved. They repeat what they were taught.

      The wound the narcissist was given and has is passed on – how they were treated is how they treat others. So, they love you one minute, and they mean it in that minute when they say they love you, but in the next minute everything can change and they will no longer love you, and may discard you. A few minutes later they may decide they love you again.

      They don’t see themselves as ‘throwing you away’, they always have a justification for discarding you, and it’s probably your fault – blaming you for what they did eliminates their need to feel bad about it. And they may have stopped loving you and discarded you because something you said or did, or something they decided that you said or did, made them feel bad and they don’t like feeling that way – they get rid of you to get rid of the bad feeling.

      Later they may change their mind, and suddenly remember how good you make them feel. So they come back as though they never went away – they can’t remember discarding you, and you mustn’t remind them about it or it will make them feel bad… and it all starts all over again.

      Regular narcissists don’t think in Machiavellian terms. Your friend most likely believed she loved you when she said she did, something changed afterwards which changed her mind. She probably still believes she loves you, unfortunately she had to discard you, but to her she did not discard you – she was setting boundaries for herself. It’s all about her. That’s as far as narcissists think – about themselves at every moment of every day, and what they want, need, feel moment by moment.

      It is a mind-twister, as their minds twist in the wind, change constantly, and their mind is the seat of their emotions.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I. Love. You.
    I love your mind. I love your vision. I love the deconstruction of the web. I love your raw realness. I love your courage. Courage to revisit the rabbits hole – blog after blog. I love your power and ownership. I love your clarity and insanity! You are complex and CLEAR and I love it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Brilliant. I have to say I’ve been reading your posts for days, and it’s needless to say how fascinating is your insight and the ways you put such a complex topic together and paint in an amazing colours. I usually don’t follow any blogs, I randomly found about you Ursula when I was doing some astro research on Chiron (same placement as yours). I’ve never found any better explanation of Chrion, and since then I am ‘hooked’ to your posts. I didn’t know much about NPD and neither I know whether I am one of them or my mother and sister are. It is very funny as well astrologically which aspects were formed when I found about you. Transit Uranus just started opposing my 12th house stellium, so I deeply understand how other people portrait their shadows on you, and using the images they created to ‘fight’ it back. I wish I could have known you in real as well. Keep posting pls… 🙂


    • Thank you very much 🙂

      I like to learn as much as I can about something, gather information then let myself absorb it, and see how it works with me once it’s passed through me (very Virgo rising). I usually only have a vague idea when I start writing about something, I just start, see what flows and where it goes (Merc in Aqua).

      Astrology works rather well with the language of the subconscious and unconscious, the mythology, the imagery, the archetypes, so it’s a useful tool for accessing our deeper layers. It can explain things for us in a way that things like psychology can’t, but mix it with psychology and things have a way of coming together to help us figure out the complexity of our being, and as we figure ourselves out, so others become clearer to us, and vice versa (when you have Chiron in the 7th).

      Wow, a transit to a stellium from Uranus! Sparks always fly when Uranus touches other planets! It can cause sudden shifts in awareness, bolts of inspiration hit you and everything looks different, perception becomes sharper, brighter. With it hitting the 12th… prepare for secrets from your inner ocean to surface and surprise, maybe causing radical changes and liberating experiences.

      I started blogging when transiting Uranus opposed my natal Uranus/Jupiter conjunction. I thought I’d gone completely insane (finally!) 😉


      • It’s actually funny as I wanted start giving you compliments and point out your talents ( many could think narcisstic traits) , but actually it’s my Mercury in Leo, which likes to say every morning one big wow to the world in all its amusement and non-amusement. For a last month or so your posts were my morning mantra. Speaking astrologically plus psihologically ( I call Mr C.G.Jung my daddy lol) my twelfth house stellium plus a ‘gift’ in a shape of a Grand Cross could make me eat your words like a candies. If you imagine Grand Cross starting Uranus first house squaring my 4th house Pisces Moon, which squares 7th house Chiron, that squares 10th house Mercury,which of course squares back 1st house Uranus…that can perhaps tell story of cold and unpredictable, self-centred mother, that injured my Moon, and that hitted my Chiron in 7th relating to my relationships to others and unpredictable and twisted, which affects my Mercury comunnication…etc… Your posts were literally my remedy in a life situation that was created around me. That all happened in a moment I moved to London to finally chase my dreams( or I rather call it needs, or demons to express yourself) of becoming a musician. Being gifted from 12th house life situations for years including wars etc, I finally got a chance to, instead of zero-ing my life and fixing situations, actually chase my needs. And that was the biggest slaaaaap in a face. Maybe for the fact that transit Saturn was all until today conjunction my Uranus, and square my Moon, so hitting the Grand Cross, and transit Uranus started ‘drilling’ my twelfth house gifts..the women for a last two years that came to my life were the biggest pain. All twisted projecting their shadows on me, and for some reason I was exposed to their control. Call it karma debt or whatever, it’s been wrecking ( it’s understatement trust me) and then I’ve found your posts. Literally your words were a miraculous day to day cure. I know you’re hiding somewhere in the UK lol
        I so wish I could meet you in real, as you asked in the post all of us, who you are to us. To me you’re real, you have layers that are amazing, you’re honest to brutality yet still very sensitive and soft. I know you’re very private person, but I wish I could have known you out of blogs….lol bang bang says Leo rising Scorpio 🙂


        • WOW, thank you 🙂

          A thought popped into my head while reading your comment. Since you’re a musician, have Uranus in the 1st, and live in London, you might want to check out an In Yer Ear event – http://www.inyerear.co.uk/about/ – it takes place once a month in a funky part of London, with a nice group of people. Everyone is always welcome to join in. The Leo side of your chart might get a buzz out of it. The founder is a musician, writer, photographer, artist, and he’s a really lovely bloke. He knows a lot of very interesting people.

          (and no, you won’t bump into me there, I haven’t been to London since I found my cave in which to hibernate)

          Phew! Saturn square Moon – heavy honing of the emotions. And with Saturn at some point hitting everything on your Grand Cross, that’s some major maturing through hard-hitting reality. But Saturn never takes anything away from you without leaving you with something valuable. It usually strips away what you don’t need, and what is left is what really matters. It does hurt like hell, especially if you fight it. There’s no fighting Saturn, it is inexorable… but people always try, it’s part of the process.

          One thing is for sure, your Merc/Uranus will turn everything you’ve been through into inspiration. Sometimes the hardest parts of life become the fertiliser for our gifts. My guess is an amazing creation is growing from everything you have been through. 🙂


          • Firstly thanks for the link in London. 🙂

            Secondly I am really envious of your cave for hibernation. Especially considering your new post about losing the precious AHA in dreams. It’s funny the synchronicity that happens with your new posts and my mind state. I call it to myself an Ursula call, as to me one part of you is like a white witch… Ursula The White (nothing racist meant) 🙂 I recently had a dream of a song I was composing and layers of sounds…it sounded so deep and like the song that reassembles all of what you could possibly feel. And then alarm on, wake up wakeeee up, no way to recall it….annoying shajt!!!!

            Now since you mentioned no fighting against Saturn, I couldn’t agree more. Somehow that was clear to me even before I knew much about astrology. Btw with astrology I am exactly like yourself, using it as a tool (sometimes thinking it’s all rubbish, but most of the time wow-ed with an spot on effect it creates), discovering bits and pieces and then mixing it with a sort of psychology and intuition and yadda yadda… All together as you call it ‘mind soup’ (loved that one)! I kind of know Mr Saturn, and in way how to deal with his majesty. On the other hand Mr Uranus is a proper pain.. Such a fickle little fella…I saw your natal chart…some powerful dynamics of the sky you’re having, cursed gifts…yet they are gifts 🙂
            Here if you like have a flash look at mine to have an idea why I identify so much with your mind soup 🙂
            As you can see the aspects and dynamics between my natal planets are taken in many ways to extremes, for both good and bad. Everything is super electirfied. Even though you and I are not astro twins there are many similarities. I especially love your Pluto, it seems to me it’s your dominate astro boy. Mine are Moon, Jupiter and Pluto…
            I must say I don’t really feel comfy writing all this publicly, but hey if you succeeded to open that beautiful world of yours to a total strangers on the web, what a heck I won’t hide how much I admire your powerful presence.
            One thing that I’ve noticed, your posts never become too saturated or repetitive, they are actually alive… 🙂 they are like a substance reacting from the screen and creating particular flavours, shapes, smells, sounds, thoughts and emotions (at least in my head) That’s so awesome 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            • Thank you very much 🙂

              I can’t access your chart on Astro.com as the site protects user data. You can share it via an image sharing site or you could give me your birth data, or a list version of your chart. Whatever is most comfortable for you. I don’t do email with my blog, so it has to be via comment, other than that it’s up to you.

              I used to worry about sharing so much of myself online. I used to worry about sharing myself offline. It’s an old shyness thing. Letting it all hang out in public has been an intriguing challenge. It started out as an experiment on myself (a friend of mine nicknamed me – the mad scientist – that’s Uranus/Merc for you) and has taught me a lot about myself and about others. We always tend to feel more exposed than we actually are, especially when something is meaningful to us.

              A whisper from our lips can sound very loud in our ears, and we think the world can hear us shouting. But the world is shouting too, in whispers in their own ears.

              Being requires sharing who we are with others, as then others share themselves with us, and we evolve as we share and as others share (esp. for a 7th house Chiron). It’s a mutual flow. Close yourself off, and others become closed to you.

              The beautiful music you dreamed about, you may have momentarily lost that song, but that dream showed you what flows through you. Music is in your veins, pumping through your heart, vibrating through your system. You are those layers of sound, and those layers of sound are you.

              Have you ever watched Yehudi Menuhin play, his violin is not a violin, man and instrument become sound, become the music, he is the music.

              It’s funny, I tend to think my posts are repetitive, sometimes it annoys me and I start rolling my eyes at myself (Mars square Merc – those two are always fighting and bantering). Other times repetition lets me know where I’m stuck, what the problem is, what’s really bothering me, what really matters. I can also be a dog with a bone sometimes and will keep going over something until I figure it out (Mars in Scorpio in the 3rd… is relentless), or get a new perspective on it (Merc in Aqua wants to see the whole pie not just one slice).

              I love my Pluto too, it’s my primal passion and it has got me through a lot of stuff, it has also gotten me into a lot of stuff I’d have probably avoided if it wasn’t for Pluto in the 1st and its connection to my Sun (it loves destroying my ego… it considers that to be a creative challenge), however, Mercury is my Dominant. Then Mars. Think, then fight… Or think about fighting, but don’t actually do it 😉

              I was having a discussion today about natal charts with a lot of squares. I see that as a superb challenge, a sign of an individual who has a lot of growing to do through squaring off with the world and with themselves until they find how it all works together. It’s creative friction at its best (and frustration at its most frustrating).

              Your super electrified extremes… this is your path and your puzzle. Merc/Uranus loves a puzzling challenge. You have within you much greatness, such an energy needs to be wild before it can be harnessed. It needs to be mastered but never tamed into submission. 🙂


              • Oh that 7th house Chiron 🙂

                Now back to your natal chart. When I wrote earlier that in my opinion Pluto is your dominant, I see it this way…Sometimes I think of planets in order who is the master and who is the slave. I know this is nothing new, as in astrology we know some planets are more powerful then others. So when I had a look at your birth chart, yeah it’s deffo obvious that Mercury is really strong in the way you are expressing yourself. However to me he is just a messenger or ‘slave’ to Uranus and Pluto. Those two are the ones who own something very powerful. Since in my opinion Uranus is really strong as a planet, he is, but very often he doesn’t know what’s he doing. He doesn’t own any control over his actions through all of us. It’s like throwing ideas without any responsibility, embracing humanity yet throwing all the technology to us, not thinking how we are abusing all this gifts that came without a responsibility. So here comes Pluto on stage, the only one that knows what’s he doing. Yes he owns a real power, an ultimate one, that all the other planets are just mirroring, he is the beginning, he is the end, he is the one who comes the most through your posts. He is the evil side in your posts, he is the good in your posts, but one that has deep understanding of both faces. Not the ‘cheesy’ good, naive and call it whatever, you know what I am referring to. We both failed at our past life regressions, I dunno, maybe because we did some really bad shajt in previous journeys. Maybe that’s why you grew up in such a narcisstic environment, and myself been given four plantes in 12th house and Grand Cross. That’s why I consider you a white witch… You are hiding away with your in-depth knowledge, embracing the nature, and no matter how much you’re trying to embrace the human kind, I imagine you very often laughing at all of it, because once you were defeated by all of it. That is a nature of a witch, and Pluto is her power. Now the choice as usual is how will you handle it… Oh shajt I have stop now…late for work… lolz…
                Please when you check my natal chart, can you have a look at out parallel one as well. I wanna know how strong is our Scorpio connection… 🙂


                • WOW, I like your take on astrology! You do something similar with it to what I do, it’s an intuitive approach, bringing it into yourself and experiencing it in a macrocosm and microcosm manner.

                  Really got my cogs whirring 🙂

                  Okay. First before I forget…

                  Scorpio connections between our charts –

                  Using synastry:

                  Our respective Mars in Scorpio are conjunct. Which means your Scorpio Jupiter is also conjunct my Mars. And it’s squaring my Merc. And there are a bunch of blue lines connecting both my Moon, your Moon, and my Venus to the Mars/Mars conjunction.

                  My Nep in Scorpio is conjunct your Sag Uranus, squares your Leo Merc and Pisces Moon (my Pisces Venus is conjunct your Moon) and is opp. your Chiron.

                  My Pluto trines your Chiron, squares your Nep.

                  Your Pluto touches nothing in my chart.

                  Using composite:

                  Sun, Mercury, Mars, Uranus in Scorpio opposing Venus in Taurus in the 8th. NN is also in the 8th.

                  Pluto, Jupiter, Sun, Uranus, Mars are all in the 1st house.

                  I find that I sometimes confuse what is Pluto and what is Mars in Scorpio, and some of my dark side comes from having Mars in Scorpio. Scorpio is my dominant sign, and my Mars connects to my Moon, Merc, Venus, and ASC.

                  My Pluto being Rx means the energy tends to be internalised, and being in Virgo it spends most of its time studying, analysing, dissecting (sometimes people, especially myself – 1st house hazard). Its main focus is figuring out what power is and what it isn’t, and understanding what is the right use of power (as it trines my Sun it is essential to figure this out for myself, and it opposes my Chiron in the 7th, therefore it’s important to understand how others relate to power and power dynamics in relationships). To understand power you need to embrace both dark and light, the primal and the transcendent. Face the inner earth and the outer sky.

                  This is my favourite Pluto collection – http://www.scribd.com/doc/31151867/2204105-Pluto-Sign-House-Aspect

                  Pluto in the 12th is a very intriguing placement, and works well with how you perceive Pluto. When you speak of Pluto, it is your Pluto speaking through you. Our charts tend to do that, which is why I like to know the charts of astrologers (but they often don’t share their charts, which always makes my Pluto and its focus on power go Hmmmmm….) so that I know where their interpretations are coming from. One of the astrologers whose methods I find interesting has a chart similar to mine.

                  It’s kind of funny, you know who also has a chart similar to mine, he was born a couple of days before me… and he’s covered a couple of my favourite songs from when I was an existential angst ridden teen.

                  Have you ever searched on Astrotheme for your astro-similars, it’s an intriguing way to explore a natal chart.

                  Oh, btw, your chart… Moon trines galore! Lots of harmony to help with the challenges of the hard aspects. Very powerful Moon – your emotional home is a key to your chart, and your experience of your life path. It’s also at 0 degrees, so it’s a new experience to feel as a Pisces Moon does. You feel everything in the atmosphere. Music is a great channel for that!

                  My brain has gone blank, it’s been glitching a lot lately, better get some kip 😉


                  • Gosh I wrote a long long reply like a five days ago, and when I tried to post it, it just magically disappeared. After that I fell asleep over my laptop. Then London life got so intense I didn’t have time to proper breathe, but I am back to Ursula’s world now.

                    I just knew that our Scorpio connection would be strong, and that makes me crazy happy. I like how your Venus and my Moon dance in the world of Pieces. Regardless of how aware we are of ‘reality’ , a note of an idealist resonates in both of us. I love how your planets are touching my Grand square, you’re like an ointment for my cosmic wound. 🙂

                    I could go on and on about all of that Astro connection, but I feel you already know more then myself by just having a look at both mine chart, and our parallel.

                    I was reading few of your recent posts, and replies of other followers. Isn’t it amazing how deeply you touch many of us…Uranus (Internet) + Pluto (transformative energy) healing through a writing (Mercury)….

                    Since you posted in your reply M Mason, this is something completely opposite in a musical expression.
                    I dunno if you’re fond of Enya. I know lot of peeps here in The UK find her an elevator music. It’s such a shame to say something like that about someone who dedicated her life to music. Why I am mentioning her…firstly she is the only one that I’ve ever heard could resonate with the world of the 12th house, secondly she is just so singular. I’ve been listening to her music for years, and she is just back after seven long years with a new album Dark Sky Island… It’s theme is journey through the islands, of a life length etc…how 12th house like sounds her just freshly released song titled ‘Echoes in Rain’ (btw I am very fond of rain and moody weather lol)… And there is a reason why I mention her, as she is connected to you as well… Her Venus is in Pisces, same like yours, and you have Moon in 12th… Her music is a pure spell, a painting, a colours born from the sounds… Melting horizons… That’s to me Venus in Pisces… A pure female in all of her highest spiritual light, yet very strong as she is usually lonely, the world can’t see very often that kind of beauty, and even if it can it gets too intimidated and can’t follow it, it gets distracted and drown in mundane…
                    And I love my new habit of chatting with you like this… 🙂


                    • Thank you 🙂

                      I’ve had that happen when commenting on other blogs, it’s a glitch. I sometimes see it as the universe telling me ‘that comment is just for you, what you wrote only needed to be read by you’ 😉

                      That’s very cool that London life was caught you in its whirlwind. It’s a great city, and there’s so much to see, do, and so many people to meet.

                      I’m experiencing my own kind of life whirlwind, so I’m a bit scattered at the moment like Autumn leaves.

                      I think Enya is very talented and her music is beautiful. It’s not really the sort of music I listen to because it is soporific and I prefer music which stimulates as I’m always a bit spaced out and on the verge of sleep so I need musical pep, although when I was going through my exploration of the New Age, I did listen to that kind of music because during that time in my life I was always stressed out, anxious, couldn’t relax, and it calmed me down.

                      I’ve changed, my life has changed, so my musical tastes have changed with me. The music we like tends to reflect who we are at a given time.

                      There’s always a progressed chart to consider, it shows where we are now in our journey through life. And transits probably have an influence over our choices of things like music.

                      I used to love listening to Jean Michel Jarre (his Son et Lumiere shows were spectacular) and Vangelis.

                      I would say that my Moon and Venus tend to prefer the music of nature, of natural sound, rhythms of life being lived. When I lived in London I sometimes liked the sound of a cab idling, other times it reverberated too much. I like to listen to my cat sleeping 🙂


  5. I don’t know who in the fuck you are, and I damn sure don’t know where in the hell you came from, but I will tell you this much …

    You are beautiful and you are loved!!!

    That’s a tag-line I’ve been using for decades with all of my relationships in an attempt to relay the power of my emotions and true feelings, save it wasn’t until reading THIS post (having read most of your posts all morning, not to mention NPD breakup articles for weeks now), that I understand what I’ve been trying to tell everyone (anyone who would listen) how I felt about them, is really something I’ve been trying to convince myself of … the one who has been most reluctant of all to hear that TRUTH … the ONE who needed to know such more than anyone I’ve ever spoken it to.

    (Forgive the run-on sentence … it’s a poetic license thing).

    I am covered in fucking tears right now. My chest is soaked. I can’t even see. My contact lenses being so soiled with saline and salt crystals. I don’t think I have ever cried this much in my life. And I’ve cried rivers of despair in the past, and have been for weeks now, allowing myself to suffer at the hands of someone else’s invalidation and betrayal. Like if you could see me … the REAL me, I would probably be the most horrendous and beautiful creature upon this planet right now that you have ever come across, completely blinded with the light you have shined on me.

    Or perhaps … just perhaps … the light we have shined upon ourselves.

    That simply had to be the most poignant, honest, and personal piece I have ever come across. PERIOD. Personal, because it was if I wrote it for myself … the same self who has been reluctant to accept the truth that I am indeed beautiful and loved. The same self who has ingested the lies and self-doubts of others whose light extinguished long ago.

    I cannot even begin to express to you how I’ve fraudulently sought out (consciously and unconsciously, no doubt) those who would further my quest to understand that fact about myself by pushing me further and further away from that TRUTH, save at the same time, I realize now that without those stumbles and falls and hurtful and disingenuous people I’ve allowed into my life to further myself from such, I never would be forced to deal with what I have refused to accept for much too long now. I won’t even bother to label those who have hurt me the most with the NPD diagnosis, as that is not my place, though we always know what we know, don’t we? And only now after reading your (my?) post, do I realize that it was ME who has hurt myself the most by choosing succubus after succubus who would hurt me further, cutting me to the core, and robbing me of my soul … time and time again … over and over.

    Endlessly it would seem.

    Like I said, I don’t know who the fuck you are, and I damn sure don’t know where in the hell you’ve come from, but YOU (as I see myself) are the most beautiful person I have ever known. And I love YOU beyond compare!!!

    I still can’t stop crying.

    And I really don’t want to, either.

    For the first time in a long time, these tears streaming down are a tapasia … a most overdue straightening by fire.

    Thank you. Just fucking thank you. Thank you soooo fucking much.

    I owe you my life.

    And now, I owe me a life to live.

    And knowing you as I do, I know you have no expectation in return, nor do you seek any quarter, for such a gift as you have offered unto me with more than just the words you wrote on this page. You have done so much more than simply pull a rabbit out of a hat with your sentiments.

    I have never felt so connected to myself in my entire life, when all I’ve attempted to do in the past, was feel connected to someone else, who could not be connected to.

    I feel so ashamed.

    And now, powerful, at the same time.

    Please take these words and inhale them deeply as is your glory to magnify. You have made a difference in someone’s life, who was at such a low point, that such a difference seemed improbable, if not impossible.

    Again, just thank you.

    May light and love surround you forever and always!!!

    Oh … one more thing, just in case YOU forgot …


    In kindness, beauty, and truth,

    ~ David W. Hogarth

    Liked by 1 person

    • WOW, thank you very much ❤

      I'm speechless.

      When someone shares as deeply as you have, it's a pleasure to be alive.

      I'm just a human being, who has finally figured out (took me forever to do that, as I can be rather dense) that it's okay to be human, messy, have contradictions, inner conflicts, make mistakes, be confused, let myself crack and let it shine, and share that mess in my own way. You'd think that would be a given, but apparently part of being human means taking a long journey away from ourselves through all sorts of experiences, including rejecting ourselves, life, until we come home and say… this is actually an okay home, let me live here and get to know myself better.

      Many years ago I was given an opportunity to let myself die (I had been considering that course of action for a while, non-stop), I stood on a threshold acutely aware of a choice being made only by myself, whatever I chose it was my choice and could not be blamed on anyone else (even if others had helped drive me to that point). I chose to live and made a pact with myself to stick with that choice (because I knew I'd change my mind once that moment in time drifted into the past). I've wanted to break that pact since then on many occasions, especially in the years which followed it as I had to face everything I'd wanted to escape, the dark night of the soul got much darker, but keeping my promise to myself seemed more important than the pain making me want to break it. That pact created a connection with myself, a bond of solidarity, which allowed me to slowly work my way towards a stronger sense of self. It still fluctuates, but that's a rhythm of life.

      Once we connect to ourselves, it changes everything, even if it does it in subtle shifts, fragments come together. There's a hand holding yours, there for you through thick and thin.

      And being connected to ourselves makes connecting to others happen more naturally. Of course, if we're trying to connect to someone else who is disconnected from themselves… it helps to have experienced being disconnected from ourselves.

      The more we know the gamut of being, have personal points of reference, for pain, suffering, love, yearning, the instinct to survive, to create, destroy, the dark, the light, the in between, and all those things which run through all human experience, flow through all of life, the nature of the planet upon which we live, the more we understand about ourselves and others.

      Embracing all of our experience of being and living, gradually, gives us the gift of life. Sometimes we have to lose things to find them, the search focuses us, makes us dig deep, travel within. It's all worth it.

      We always find ourselves, then we have to figure out what to do with ourselves… to invite who we have found in.

      “If we surrendered
      to earth’s intelligence
      we could rise up rooted, like trees.

      Instead we entangle ourselves
      in knots of our own making
      and struggle, lonely and confused.

      So like children, we begin again…

      to fall,
      patiently to trust our heaviness.
      Even a bird has to do that
      before he can fly.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

      What we say to others… we're listening to ourselves too. What we do for others… we do for ourselves too.

      Thank you so fucking much too. Means a lot to me, more than I will ever let on, not everything can be expressed or shared 🙂

      Take good care of your beautiful soul!


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