Tales from Narcville: How to Deal With a Narcissist… part three…
Stop thinking about your narcissist.
Stop thinking about everything they have done to you.
Stop thinking about the pain you are in.
Stop thinking about all that you did or didn’t do. About the red flags you ignored. About how you were love-bombed, gaslighted, hoovered, smear-campaigned, silent-treatmented, infected with fleas, discarded, manipulated, emotionally blackmailed, used and abused, and that the love wasn’t real, it was all a big lie.
Stop thinking about what’s wrong with you, you’re co-dependent, an enabler, a people-pleaser, a magnet for narcissists, too highly sensitive, too empathic, lack self-esteem, weak, gullible, stupid, an idiot for falling for a narcissist and allowing them to get under your skin, inside your head, play with your heart.
Stop thinking about how to fix yourself, how to heal yourself, how to mend your broken self, how to glue your shattered pieces back together, how to protect yourself from narcissists.
Stop reading about how to stop thinking about your narcissist.
Have you stopped?
You’re not the only one who can’t stop thinking about narcissists, we’re all obsessed with them.
The more we think about them, the more obsessed with them we become… with them, it’s still all about them, even when we’re trying to make all about them all about us.
They’re the same way about themselves, they can’t stop thinking about themselves, even when they think they’re thinking about someone else… their thoughts about others are about them.
If you’re wondering how the narcissist in your life could forget about you so easily…
That thought hurts like hell, doesn’t it.
Part of you wishes you could be like them and forget about them as easily as they’ve forgotten about you.
They haven’t forgotten about you, they just don’t want to think about themselves in that way. Thinking about you hurts them… that’s why they’re pretending that it isn’t happening.
You don’t know that, you don’t know what’s going on inside their mind… you don’t really want to know that even when you think you do.
You’re afraid of their mind… because your mind is frightening you with your mental concepts of their mind.
The idea that they could forget about you so easily… that’s your idea… you think it belongs to them due to superficial appearances… and you’re hurting yourself with it…
And your view that they’re not thinking about you… actually makes you think about them even more.
You want to get under their skin, inside their head, and play with their heart. You want to do to them what they did to you… or at least make them feel your pain, the pain they caused you. You want them to hurt the way you’re hurting… because then, if they feel it, you might be able to stop feeling it.
Just for once you’d like for them to acknowledge what they did to you, to validate you, take responsibility, accept the blame, and be so profoundly affected that they finally offer you a sincere apology.
You know that isn’t going to happen, but maybe… if you could just figure them out, you’d be able to get through to them and then the ghost of the you who died when the relationship went from dream to nightmare can finally rest in peace. You can move on. Stop being haunted by the past and start living in the present looking forward to a future which is narcissist-free.
You want to break so badly that you’re tied up in its knots… this time though, you’re done, finished, kaput. this is the last cigarette you’ll ever smoke (puff, puff, puff on the delicious fumes… shit! Do I really have to give it up even though it’s killing me!?!), this is the last drink you’ll ever drink (narcohol… that intoxicating thing is ruining your will to liver and your live-r… but… ugh-oh!)…
This is the very last peep you’ll lurkingly take of some blogger’s meltdown as they rant, rave, and just can’t let go of their narcissist… shit! They’re so fucked up… that’s not you, that’s not you, it’s you… it’s not you… rocking backwards and forwards hugging yourself.. don’t comment on the post, don’t let anyone know you’ve read it even as anonymous, delete history, delete cache, delete cookies – shit! – but maybe read the other comments… if anyone is brave and crazy enough to comment… OMG they’re telling your story… shhh… that’s you but… no, it’s not you… you’re not that far gone…
You scour the internet reading every article you can find about narcissists, you buy every book which promises to unravel the mystery of the narcissist, and hope that someday, somewhere, somehow you’ll find the magic formula which will not only release you from your narcissist, their hold over you, but will miraculously cure you from everything which ails you, and make your fingers let go of the past.
I watched a film last night (Gayby) where one character told another – If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical – in other words if your reaction to a relationship is too strong, overly emotional, fear-based, then that relationship has elements of past relationships within it, ones which are connected to wounds within you – a fear of being abandoned, of not being lovable, of not deserving respect, of not being worthy…
Why me? Why does this keep happening to me?
I sorted that shit out and learned to laugh at it, laugh at my past because in the present things are supposed to be different…
You thought it would be different this time… Why isn’t it? You did that positive thinking power of attraction affirmation stuff until you got a nose bleed… What are you doing wrong? What is wrong with you?
The problem with asking a question such as – What is wrong with me? – is that there is a world of people out there, many of whom don’t know you and don’t really care to know you, who will jump in with an answer because they get an ego boost from telling you what your problems are. Compared to you they’re frigging sorted…
They benefit from your pain.
There is also a world of people who will tell you that there is nothing wrong with you that can’t be fixed by their special formula.
They profit from your pain. Take two of these and… hopefully you’ll be too embarrassed to call me in the morning unless you’re willing to pay for more nonsense.
I once bought a – How to get rich – book wherein the first tip the author shared was – Thanks for making me rich by buying this book which you thought would make you rich. My book can’t make you rich, but the fact that you think it can is making me rich. He was a bit of a maverick. He basically was saying – you’re a sucker and I’m making my fortune off of that. His aim was to show people that… THAT! He’d been a sucker too… had made others rich because of it. He was getting rich too because of it, but he was passing it on rather than hiding it and pretending that he wasn’t profiting from it.
He was saying – Think and grow rich, my ass! But… if people think they can think themselves rich… sell it and get rich off of that kind of delusional magically-inclined thinking.
That’s humans… and being human for you!
There is also a world of people who will tell you what is right with you, for free… but you’ve got to believe it.
Have you ever noticed how a criticism always seems to penetrates deeper into you than a compliment.
9 out of 10 people can tell you how talented, beautiful, intelligent, interesting, fun, you are, but the 1 out of 10 who tells you you’re talent-less, ugly, stupid, boring, a killjoy, is the one who gets your attention.
Twitter lesson 101… all those who follow aren’t as important as the one person who follows you and then gets you to notice them because they’ve unfollowed you. All your followers are shit compared to them.
Facebook lesson 101… all those friends who friend you and stay your friend through everything you do on FB don’t affect you as much as the one who unfriends you, blocks you, deletes you from existence. All those other friends who stick with you don’t matter as much as the one who doesn’t.
Blogger lesson 101… you get ‘Likes’ but they’re never enough, some other blogger always gets more, you get loads of traffic but if that traffic isn’t translated into a ‘Like’ on your post – your post has over 500,000 views, and thousands of shares, but it only has 30 ‘Likes’… and the blogging world judges you on that, so do you.
You want what you’re not getting and can’t see what you have because of it… can’t see how you’re making those who are loyal to you feel like shit because you’re too caught up in the shitty side of social media to appreciate what you have – you want what you don’t have…
The negative is somehow more effective than the positive in getting our undivided attention. That one criticism will mean more to us than those 9 compliments, even if the criticism is a lie and the compliments are the truth.
Is it because the truth is supposed to hurt? So if something doesn’t hurt, then it must be a lie? Yet lies hurt too… BUT, the truth is also supposed to set us free and nothing sets us free like a lie once we’ve exposed it, right?
Okay, maybe not… not when that lie is one told by a narcissist. Why? Because once we figure out that the narcissist has been lying to us, it brings everything into question and we no longer can tell the difference between what is real and what is unreal.
This is one of the reasons we become obsessed with narcissists, and will make our fingers bleed on a keyboard as we search for answers to the endless questions which bombard our mind.
Sometimes we find answers to our questions… but how long does the buzz we get from that last before we spiral again into our own private hell of pain, suffering and confusion, and isn’t it so much worse after we thought we’d finally figured something out only to lose it again.
Why are we really searching… what are we really looking for?
We think we want someone else to tell us – How to deal with a narcissist – and we think that’s what we want to know, we think we want control, to control them, to control ourselves, to get control over the chaos and make it tidy, we think we want power over them so we can regain power over ourselves, they’ve had power over us for too long and look at the mess they’ve made of us, we think we want to end the games, the interminable game of chess, and if we could just learn to ultimate moves to make to get a checkmate…
Do you know what the ultimate checkmate is to win with a narcissist?
There are some great tactics offered online and in books, there are some people out there who write those articles and books who definitely deserve the title of Narcissist Expert. They will tell you everything you need to know about narcissists and dealing with a narcissist – they’ll teach you how to hone yourself into a mental chess master.
The real adversary in your life, and in your relationship with your particular narcissist, isn’t the narcissist who is this other person you’re trying to deal with and win against.
Yes, they’re an adversary and they will keep being that way until you… face your real adversary.
You don’t need me to tell you who that is, you already know, you’ve always known…
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, they say… why do they say that? Is it a clever tactic or a statement of something rather disturbing about human nature.
Who is the closest enemy you will ever keep?
The one who makes you obsess over a narcissist.
The one who makes you think you’re broken, damaged, need fixing.
The one who makes you think that it’s easier to accept that you’re a co-dependent, an enabler, etc. who needs to completely overhaul themselves… while shifting the blame yet accepting all of it.
The one who makes you chase after all those things you think you don’t have while ignoring everything you do have.
Who is the real narcissist in your life?
In all my years of dealing with narcissists, and trying every tactic in the book – in the unofficial book that no one has written, but which you write yourself when you deal with narcissists on a daily basis…
I read an article recently by someone who has become a celebrated expert on narcissists… which outlined things we ‘the people’ don’t know about narcissists. I felt like a smug asshole narcissist while reading it. This expert’s ground-breaking revelations were old news to me. I was aware of this before this expert was aware of narcissists. I’m such an a-hole smartest person in the room… and it hasn’t benefited me one bit being that way, but this expert… they’re getting loads of benefits form it because they’ve timed it well.
Kudos… hope this expert’s work really helps others.
Yes, I’m a bit skeptical… because narcissists aren’t as easily pigeon-holed as narcissists pigeon-hole others. No one is that easy to pigeon-hole… narcissist or not, narcissist doing the pigeon-holing or not…
Sure… some of these pigeon-holing practices are useful, but… how many of us actually live up to who people think we are? And when they deal with us based on that… does it work?
Sometimes it works some of the time and you get a win, but a win against a narcissist is fleeting… that same tactic which got you a win might incur a loss when you try it again.
The person most likely to study you as though you’re stereotype is – a narcissist. Their minds are so paranoid that… don’t try the same tactic with them more than once if the first time you did it earned you a win and cost them a loss.
Please be consciously aware that narcissists may be the ones teaching you how to deal with narcisissts, and their criteria for who is a narcissist may be based on people who aren’t narcisissists.
Narcissists invented the whole – Ditch toxic people from your life campaign. The discard… 101.
What works on some narcissists, won’t work on others because…
Your narcissist may not actually be a narcissist at all.
Or… although narcissists similar they have differences, they are as individual as every human is.
We all have similarities, we all have differences… differences which alter our similarities maybe in a similar way… yet we’re all individual, unique, experience being human… alone. We are together and alone. Connected and disconnected.
The greatest narcissist I have ever had to deal with… isn’t my mother, or my father, or those others I have known, or even society in its Me-Me-Me-est form.
The first rule of dealing with a narcissist – Make sure you’re not the one who is the narcissist.
Here’s my third take on this.
You may not be a narcissist in the conventional manner. A narcissist to others. You don’t have NPD.
You may have so much empathy that you completely ignore yourself because you’re too busy feeling for others. How many times have you dismissed your own pain because someone else was in more pain than you? How many times have you told yourself – things could be worse, and you’ve made yourself feel guilty or ashamed for worrying about a problem that is trivial compared to the problems others have to face.
You’re suffering because you’re not as thin as you’d like to be – Some people are starving on this planet, they’d love to be worrying about how they should be eating less.
You’re in pain because your home isn’t the ideal one you wish it was, and you’re worrying about how this reflects upon you, you’re not as successful as you’d like to be – Think of the Syrians. Think of all the asylum seeking refugees of this world who wish they had your problems.
You’re anxious because there’s a spider in your bathtub, a bully at your school or workplace who picks on you – Some people live their entire lives under a dictatorship and get ‘disappeared’ without a trace and no one cares. They don’t matter on a daily basis.
You’re pissed off because you have to deal with sexual harassment and discrimination – My mother taught me about pedophiles, rapists and the like by telling me a horror story about a child friend of hers who did a stranger in distress a favour and was never seen again, and by giving me a book on the White Slave Trade. After reading that a wolf whistle seemed harmless, a derogatory sexist remark was nothing compared to being abducted, forced into sexual slavery and killed off when you got too old to make someone else money or give them pleasure.
I learned to dismiss myself, detach from my petty concerns… everyone else had it worse than I did, and they reminded me of that every time I forgot to remember.
I became my own narcissist… towards myself, not towards others because that would be selfish and punishable by disapproving, disappointed, dissing looks, sounds, voices expressing their opinion that you should keep your opinion to yourself.
Your self must die so that the self of others can live. You self must mask itself – be good, be kind, be compassionate, empathic, considerate to everyone but yourself.
Hide your shadow side, this bothers others because it triggers them and that is disturbing of you.
Betray yourself to be true to who others want to be.
Be positive, unless your positive is deemed negative.
Don’t take things personally, but take them personally.
Don’t be sensitive, but don’t be insensitive either.
Don’t be, but don’t not be either.
Welcome to hell, pretend it’s heaven.
Treat yourself like shit, but don’t let anyone else know you’re doing it, and don’t admit it to yourself either because… now you need to find a reason for it. Don’t blame yourself, it’s someone else’s fault, it’s your parents’ fault, don’t blame yours parents, society disapproves of that, it’s your fault… don’t blame yourself.
Your self-esteem is in tatters, sort it out… by telling yourself that it’s not!
Let others treat you like shit, but don’t let others know this is what they’re doing, put up with it, they put up with you, don’t make them admit it to themselves because… they can’t handle this right now, they’re suffering too much, you’re insensitive, unempathic, think about poor them not poor you… what? They’re not being unempathic, insensitive… are you calling them a hypocrite, you hypocrite!
You know what you are… don’t worry if you don’t, and don’t be so deluded if you do… they’re going to tell you who you are because this will distract them from who they are, their own shit by telling you about yours…
The second rule of dealing with a narcissist – If you think you’re the narcissist, double, triple and quadruple check that opinion. Especially the source of it – narcissists love to make you out to be the narcissist.
This is my second take on this.
If you’re not a narcissist you will end up thinking you’re the narcissist, because it’s easier to deal with even if it’s an awful idea.
No one really wants you to be good, because being good is a cutthroat business, everyone is always competing to be the goodest, bestest, kindest person in the world. The prize is magnificent – sainthood, but you do have to get martyred to win it… although some people will sell you some snake oil which in theory makes you slip through some loopholes that others don’t know about even if this is being sold to everyone.
Remember when you climb this ladder to make it impossible for anyone else to climb… but your climb needs the contributions and donations others are willing to give you for you to sell them the secret of how to climb this ladder.
I’ve tried competing in this contest… oh, how I’ve tried to be good based on everyone else’s version of what that is… but I was never good enough. I wonder why?
One day I… gave up. If you can’t beat them join them? No, if you can’t beat them, let them win.
Best decision I ever made, and it hurt like hell to make it, was… let yourself be the baddie.
But… wait… this is terrible advice!
Don’t become the baddie they need you to be for them… you have the same chances of achieving that as you do of becoming the mythical goodie they keep challenging you to be but never allow you to become.
You’re in a strange position – damned if you do, damned if you don’t, damned… so, you basically have nothing to gain and nothing to lose.
Every gain you think you can gain can be turned into a loss by a narcissist… and everything you think you can lose and think you can stop yourself from losing can be taken from you by a narcissist.
Who is the narcissist that’s giving and taking it all away from you the most?
The hardest and best thing I have ever done is… just letting myself be without thinking that through.
Of course… there is a world of people who will tell you how to be yourself, who have turned it into a business… due to demand = supply.
You don’t know how to be yourself without them telling you how to be yourself!
First they’ll make you think you can’t know yourself…
Then they’ll offer to sell you a magic formula which will help you become yourself… just as they’ll offer you a quick and easy to follow miracle of how to deal with a narcissist… always at a price.
If you really want it… you’ll pay the price for it, and keep paying that price until you realise they’re selling you something they don’t actually have.
Who they are… needs you not to know or be who you are… how can they be who they’re pretending to be if you know who you are?
They’r e never going to tell you what they don’t know… but suspect…
You’re the only one who has it… whatever it is, but as long as they can convince you that you don’t have it, and they do that with your assistance… which is galling, so galling you’ll do everything in your power not to see it…
You know how to be you… the best teacher you’ll ever have is yourself.
Problem is… you don’t like you…
Because you’re so beautiful… it’s ugly.
Want to know why you can’t stop…
Stop thinking about your narcissist?
They showed you your beauty… then showed you the ugly side of you being that beautiful.
You’re not really obsessed with your narcissist… not that ‘your narcissist’ who is someone else… who you’re really obsessed with is your inner narcissist who wants to love your own beauty and hates every beautiful thing about you , making it ugly… that ugliness fascinates more than the beauty ever will.
Human nature is primal… and very ugly… that’s the beauty of it.
Am I really the bitch you see me as being or… are you the bitch you see in me? That bitch fascinates you… own her, let her show you inside yourself…
Or just keep projecting and transferring… until you run out of people to do that to… oh… you’ll never run out of people to do that to because each time one dies… a new one is born… so… you’ll never face yourself and benefit, profit, be transformed by your own pain.
Want to really deal with the narcissist in your life, then stop… using them to not deal with the real narcissist in your life. Look at what you’re fighting against… and what tells you about what’s going on between you and you…
The strange position in which I have placed myself (which I started this whole series off for me) is one where people ask me questions about how to deal with their narcissist.
Why do they do that?
I’m a mess.
If I was a coffee, I’d be a macchiato… maybe… the first and last time I ordered such a thing, it just looked like an extra frothy cappucino to me. It was rather delicious but it was all froth… yes, I can be all froth at times because I’m trying to mitigate the espresso within which will make your brain explode due to the sudden pure caffeine rush.
I grew up with narcissists… don’t expect me to be an easy brew to drink. I wish I was, I’ve tried to be, but…
I grew up with narcissists… being considered as human or anything at all, or at all… is rare and usually not a good thing.
When you read my posts… do I exist to you, am I human, am I real… have you even considered that? Have you bothered finding out anything about me, and if you have… is it me you’re seeing or yourself reflected in me?
Who am I to you…?
I’m used to being a mirror for the projected images of others. So used to it I don’t even bother wondering if others are seeing me… I look at the image they have of me to see them. For those who wonder how come I’m quite good at reading people… that’s how. I take what you’re seeing in me, in others, and flip it back around on you… it speaks to me of you.
Tell me you think I’m beautiful… Hello, Beautiful you! Tell me you think I’m ugly… Hello, Ugly you! Tell me you think I’m caring… Hello, Caring you! Tell me you think I’m a bitch… Hello, Bitch!
Hello, I am Echo… I’m an echo of you. This can and probably will annoy the eff out of you (especially if you want me to accept something from you – I’m gift-phobic)… and will soothe you deeply with the validation you it can offer… it all depends on how you use it, how you use me… to get to know yourself.
I’m used to being a nothing, a nobody, invisible, a figment of other people’s imagination, unsure if I’m real. It takes me awhile to realise when someone is actually seeing me, hearing me… listening to me. I’m too busy seeing you, hearing you, listening to you…
Yes, this is the real me… just as what you find in me is the real you. It’s weird, I know… just go with it.
I’m used to being ignored, having words put in my mouth, thoughts put in my head, emotions projected into me, images reflected onto me. Don’t mind me, I’m not here.
It’s okay, let yourself do it… I won’t lose myself in you, and you might find yourself in me.
I’m used to people deciding who I am, and arguing with me when I disagree with them about their version of me.
I do that sometimes… we don’t always accept who we are.
I’m used other people’s eyes not seeing me, but seeing what they want to see. Not hearing me, but hearing what they want to hear. Not feeling me, but feeling what they want to feel… feeling what they’re feeling but telling me it’s what I’m feeling.
You’re angry… you tell me I’m angry. Whatever helps you deal with that anger… be careful though… echoes sometimes bite back.
I have a system in place these days that allows me to find myself. I’m okay, don’t worry about me… what’s up with you?
I’m used to people using me to hurt themselves, then hurting me for the way they used me to hurt themselves.
I don’t like it when you use me to hurt yourself… I might try to snap you out of it, which will sting… us both. It’s okay, let’s bleed together and then heal each other because we accept we’re human and do shit like this to each other… but we can heal it… do that kind of shit to each other too.
[I once wrote a tweet about my relationship with my father, shortly after I found out he had died… someone on Twitter decided to make that tweet all about them. They accused me of all sorts of villainy against them due to the subtweet rule of everyone else needing to take your stuff personally… and wouldn’t listen to reason because they needed my story to be about them… okay… if you make me your shadow, be prepared to be engulfed by it… oh, you want me to back off, so… back off then… your shadow does what you do]
I’m used to having my words and story twisted to suit the twisted story they have in their mind of themselves, and how they want to fit me into that even if they have to break every bone in my body to do that.
I sometimes leave the building and let others do whatever they were always going to do – that’s how I’ve dealt with narcissists in the past, after trying other tactics which never really worked. Those clever well thought out tactics work sometimes… and sometimes they backfire because a narcissist is an ever-changing entity.
They are Borg… and they will assimilate you.
Yes, I sort of just gave up… sometimes it is a solution to an impossible problem, and besides, it’s exhausting dealing with a narcissist, so giving up is just another way of your whole being telling you it’s too tired to bother anymore.
System overload… anhedonia ensues.
I’m not an easy brew…
Is anyone an easy brew?
Can I figure out how to deal with you in three easy steps?
Yes? Go on then… outline those steps for me. Try to whittle yourself down to fit into one piece of carry-on luggage which won’t get anyone into trouble when passing through airport security.
Yet… you might want someone somewhere to whittle down someone else for you to deal with them in several easy steps. And this someone else you want reduced to a simple list might be a narcissist.
A narcissist with whom you’ve had a relationship, and you’ve drunk enough of that brew to know that – a) it causes painful flatulence, and – b) its ingredients are so complicated that it has tied your stomach in knots, has given you an ulcer, and your intestines are riddled with holes (which explains the flatulence).
I’ve tried to whittle myself down in the past because… there were too many me’s inhabiting me. This is something which happens when you spend too much time in Narcville.
Narcissists don’t just have multiple personas for themselves, they have them for others too. They’re quite generous with them, especially if you’re their only child and they need you to fill several roles in their latest play.
I am the earth, I am the ocean, I am the universe in motion… I am the hero, I am the villain, I am neither and both at the same time… I am you, I am you… it is all about you…
[want to know what upset that person on Twitter the most about my tweets regarding my father which they took as subtweets about them – I said “You’re not interested in me at all, you’re only interested in me being interested in you, that’s why you’re interested in me”]
And in this all about you… I find myself by finding you and making me all about you, I become all about you, you make me all about you and as you do that you become all about me…
It’s never really about the narcissist…
It’s about you…
If we can learn to deal with ourselves… then we’ve learned to deal with everyone else, including the narcissist.
How to deal with a narcissist – deal with the narcissist within.
You will always be crueler to yourself than anyone else can be… deal with that and what anyone else does to you will be an insight into the stuff they’re doing to themselves, not what they’re doing to you…
I know… you need to figure this one out for yourself…. like I did for myself…
I still have to deal with some of the narcissists in my life…
When I do… I check with the inner one… see what it’s up to…
Dealing with that one has made dealing with anyone outside more dealable… accept yourself… accept others…
It’s never going to be easy… tidy… orderly…
Life is a storm…