Who Do You Think You Are Feeling?

Have you ever been caught up in an exceptional dream experience, one wherein you felt that one of your life’s greatest mysteries was being answered…

Suddenly you knew…

It was all clear…

This is your AHA moment…

Then you wake up and can’t remember a thing.

You had it all and lost it, and there is no way to get it back, your mind has locked you out.

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This has been happening to me over the last week.

Last night I had an amazing conversation with myself in a dream, where one part of me told the other part a hard-hitting truth which broke me open and released a tidal wave of understanding.

I even wrote a post about it for the blog while I was still dreaming.

Then I woke up. It was all gone. The hard drive had been wiped clean.

No… not that at all.

It is as though someone hacked into my mainframe, changed the password and locked me out of my own computer.

If someone did that to me in RL… I’d want to kill them.

Well, most of me would… want to hunt them down, tear their limbs off manually, then smear their blood on my face while using their severed hands to type in a code which would fix the problem. These are the actions of your consequences! – I’d cackle at their rather surprised-looking head on a spike.

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extract via When the Zodiac Signs Murder (yes, you’ll find your sign’s kill style there too)

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The rest of me would be rather relieved that I’d been shut out of my computer. Oh, well, these things happen for a reason, maybe it is for the best, a kiss from kismet. Let’s make the most of this opportunity!

That rest of me would piss the hell out of most of me…

People sometimes tell me that my quiet intensity can be intimidating. When they say that, it tends to shock me… out of some inner battle.

I always look at them as though I don’t know what they’re talking about…

Who me? But I wouldn’t hurt a fly. If they point out that they’ve just watched me do exactly that with satisfaction… well, it was being a nuisance, I gave it a several chances to leave me alone, I even tried to usher it out of a window, I did not set out to kill it, but it insisted on bothering me… those are the consequences of its refusal to take different actions after being duly warned. I gave it some reincarnation therapy.

When people say things to me about how they perceive me… about who they think they are feeling… my reflex is to wonder about who it is who is feeling the think.

If they think that I’m intimidating, how come they feel safe enough to tell me about it?

Is it perhaps because I’m locked out of myself…

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Being unable to access the information which has been revealed to me in an extraordinary dream, is something that has happened to me regularly ever since I’ve known myself.

Before I knew myself, I have no idea what was going on… maybe I was better off not knowing.

That’s something I wonder whenever I lose an important dream. My conscious mind is a mess as it is, maybe it is safer for it to be oblivious of what my subconscious and unconscious are up to. Those two conspirators know things that might obliterate any sanity which my conscious mind thinks it has.

Problem is… what if the secrets hidden in the deeper recesses could actually tidy up the mess in my daytime mind?

And if I’m really not supposed to know things, why do I have to be aware that I had the dream at all and know things. That’s just cruel!

I once figured out the meaning of my life. That’s IT!!!! I shouted so loudly in a dream that I woke myself up and promptly forget what IT was. I will, however, never forget having IT and losing it.

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There are times when I think everything in the world is inside of me.

It’s that whole macrocosm and microcosm thing. The history of the earth is your history. Everything that has ever happened has happened to you. Every part of you is a person on the planet. Each human being is within you. Every emotion is nature, and a natural disaster is that emotion amplified. Every living thing is life inside of you, air in your lungs, blood in your veins, electrical impulses, chemicals in the system… so when something gets killed, dies, a tiny atom in you gets killed, dies… so when something is born, is created, it gets born and is created within you.

That’s just my conscious mind thinking, good old con, thinking away…

thinking away the time it has left to think,

thinking away… a way to get away from what it doesn’t want to know,

thinking away what interferes with its version of what is real, what is true, what is fact, and replacing it with fiction,

thinking away emotion, feeling… and thinking about them until it thinks it feels, it thinks its feels. I think I feel this, therefore I feel it.

thinking about everything while wanting to know nothing about anything.

I wonder what sub and un would make of it. Are they laughing at the con? Or are they part of the con?

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The dream I had last night, I briefly woke up in it which is how I know some of what was going on in it…

It had something to do with most of me wanting to hunt the rest of me down, tear it apart and kill it… or did it want to assimilate it? Sometimes that’s the same thing… and the rest of me deciding to take this fine opportunity to make the best of a difficult situation, and perhaps flip things around.

I’m dying, might as well live!

Or something like that.

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For those of you interested in the astro of it – transiting Mars in Virgo is conjunct my natal Moon in the 12th house, which basically means – hidden shit will be shaken and stirred, messed up to be tidied.

The inner closet will be opened, everything will come out of it, and sorted out… even if it gets done with fire and the entire house burns down to the ground.

You’ve lost it all… see it as an empty space ready to be filled with something new! You couldn’t have anything new as long as there was all that clutter filling you to bursting.

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