“I suppose I have found it easier to identify with the characters who verge upon hysteria, who were frightened of life, who were desperate to reach out to another person. But these seemingly fragile people are the strong people really.”
― Tennessee Williams
I once lived where he died.
It was one of the worst times of my life.
I wanted to die too.
How seemingly fragile we are.
Was it him,
was it me,
or was it the place itself.
I was a box, taped shut.
Terrified of the world outside which seemed to want to,
throw me around,
shake me to figure out what was inside,
rip me open, spill my contents everywhere, take what they wanted, put the rest in the trash.
I tried to reach out,
desperately seeking a helping hand,
but I couldn’t get out,
of my tightly sealed box.
“If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels.”
― Tennessee Williams
I was seemingly fragile,
because I was closed.
Then I was broken,
what was inside came out.
I was not fragile anymore.
Dare to know,
what’s in the box.
What’s in your box?
“On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are”
I don’t like looking into my box….. I much rather help others look into theirs. I know, something mentally is changing in me~ and If I see it -I will know I am not everything I thought I was – ” who , what am I then ” I can’t afford to go there. 🙂
Thank you very much 🙂
That’s definitely a major quandary about looking in the box. I only had the guts to look once I had nothing to lose by doing it, which is quite a good way to do it because I found out I wasn’t as awful as I had thought I was. There have been a few instances of discovering that I’m not as nice as I thought I was, but those, once accepted, have been rather liberating and tend to be beneficial in the long run. My relationships have improved due to acknowledging that I can be a complete ass at times. Also, when we know more about ourselves, it helps us to understand others. All humans tend to be afraid of themselves, of what’s inside.
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Thank you very much 🙂
Very beautiful, it echoes with my life.Thank you, it’s good to know somebody has experienced something similar to me, I feel less lonely on this earth. xxx
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Thank you very much 🙂
There’s something intensely meaningful about feeling lonely, everyone feels it, you see it echoed in so many voices and faces, stories, creations silence and sound. It’s something which binds us all together yet keeps us separate. We are all alone together, and those moments of communion between souls experiencing life are as beautiful as the solitude of loneliness.
It’s amazing how I can post something without knowing it, as above. 🙂
Anyway, thank you. Today as I found myself on the verge of unexpected tears, I remembered what you said. It will be what it will be and I will find my path throught it.
And right now, you are taking a new path, too. Remember to be good to yourself as you do (and don’t forget to ask for help 😉 ).
Looking forward to hearing about your new neighbourhood. Pictures, maybe? 🙂
Thank you 🙂
I’m having a hard time recognising myself at the moment, in a good way. I’m relying on others in a way which I’ve always found challenging, often used to refuse to do, but this time it just feels right to do it.
I remembered the thought which soothed me the other night when I had a moment of the internal screaming mimis, it was about mutual benefits – When what you are doing for yourself synchronises with what someone else is doing for themselves, there’s a flow about the situation which carries things forward in a natural momentum.
This new path is a new path for others too, and what I am doing for myself is also part of others doing things for themselves. And there are all these helpers, people and events, aiding all of us to cross the threshold. Even the mistakes are helpers.
A couple of years ago when my father died and all hell broke loose, the past returned with a vengeance, I went through a dark phase, had many moments of thinking I was doomed. The experience has been very transformative. I had to face so many old fears, buried pains, inner bugaboos, repetitive scenarios which made every cell in my system groan, and let it all happen rather than try to stop it, because it was happening anyway – trying to stop it made things worse.
For awhile I felt like I was just dragging myself through it all with no destination or end in sight. At some point I thought – who exactly am I dragging and who is doing the dragging?
And as I paused to ponder in a state of ugh… that’s when I began to see that perhaps I should hand over the reins to others as they were better equipped to deal with practical matters which I was trying to deal with and making a mess out of it. I allowed myself to trust others again and…
Let the unexpected tears and everything else that is stirred up flow, that’s your wave 🙂
Thank you. I love the point you make about the flow of life, how what we are doing synchronises with what others are doing. We are part of that but tend to forget it or don’t even realize it. Yes, we sometimes need to regconize that a process is a process, no matter how much we dislike it or try to avoid it or stop it.
I hope everything is (has) synchronising (ed) for you. 💛
Things have indeed been synchronising for me in some unusual ways. The weirdest element is I keep being followed by 80’s music. I won’t try to explain that, it just seems significant somehow 😉
Hope you’re well, and flowing along your river. ❤
I am flowing along my river, but the river has had some big boulders in it. My dog passed away and now my sister is entering the final stages of her illness – Christmas won’t be very merry this year. And, of course, all our household stuff is going to be transported through the mountains next week. It’s not been the easiest few months, but also not unsurprising that there are big giant rocks to paddle around. At least I still have a paddle …
I hope that you are well, too, and enjoying your new home. 🙂
My condolences ❤
My goodness, Lynette, you're white water rafting in a seriously tumultuous river. Remember all the other dangerous rapids you've survived, and that you're not alone in that kayak, you have your M with you and he has a paddle too.
Forget about Christmas and its pressurised hype of merriness, it's often more melancholic than merry, especially below the surface of twinkling lights. There are times when we just need to be how we feel, or not feel anything at all because it's all too much all at once. Your river is raw and real, part of the wild unknown, and so are you.
Much love to you!
I love this piece from Sting.
Ha! My box of stuff. Everyone has stuff; it’s just the size of box it’s stuffed into.
I think that most of the tape has come off my box, but it’s hanging there, still waiting to stick, to grab, to cause that moment’s hesitation.
Not sure if I know what I’m talking about. Just responding.
I rarely know what I’m talking about, especially when I write posts. I don’t tend to think about it so much as see what expresses itself, what flows out froma starting point, which sometimes ends up being the middle or and end and I’m talking backwards from there.
“I have no idea what I just said” is something I say often. It can be quite funny because if I’ve been having a conversation with someone they’ll often look relieved when I say that, but other times they might explain what they heard and that can be the discovery of a new perspective or a way to get to know them better.
In some ways the words aren’t important, it’s the feeling, the image conjured up within of something which may be intangible, and we try to make it tangible.
It’s all abstract and we’re surrealists 🙂
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Yes, we are. 🙂
What you express of yourself is wonderful, even if it feels like you don’t know what you’re talking about. 🙂 Perhaps it’s more that you speak yourself.
I am not feeling emotionally well at the moment. I have recently learned that my sister is dying and doesn’t have much time left. So I’m spilling lots of stuff out of my box – no tape holding it in.
That’s an incredibly difficult situation to deal with on so many levels. Take good care of yourself, let things spill and don’t worry too much about the mess, it’s sometimes more valuable to let it out than keeping it all in.
There are going to be conflicts both past and present that confuse and disturb. The thought of death, of loss, of not having time, of this mortal coil… it can be too much for mind, body, psyche, emotion and soul to cope with it.
What is happening to those close to us, even if there’s been distance between us, can feel as though it is happening to us. We feel helpless, powerless, and furious… yet deeply sad.
And then comes things like guilt… you’re beginning a new life full of wonderful prospects, are you allowed to enjoy it… now that you know someone else is facing the end.
It all comes rising up from the depths… memories and other things. The stories of a relationship… what truly matters… who truly matters?
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Thank you. 🙂 You have said what I have been thinking – am I allowed to enjoy this new life now? The sister I am losing is the one who has filled me in on my childhood and provided me with a lot of missing information. She is also the one who left home very early and was very clearly a scapegoat for my mother. You are right that I have very mixed – and confused – emotions.
Thank you for your words of support and for passing on Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s. 🙂 It’s going to take me a while to rebuild.
Be gentle with yourself, it’s going to be a time of conflicting realities. Be compassionate as you would be to a friend who was going through your experience. Be a friend to yourself.
And let your M help you, he’ll want to fix things, all men do (women sometimes find this annoying), he’ll want to make things better, be your protector, be the hero for his damsel is in distress. Let those who love you care for you with their love, you don’t need to do this alone (remind your fiercely independent self of that).
Don’t rush the rebuild, sometimes a mess is best, and things have a way of gradually coming together after a natural breaking apart. ❤
Thank you for your lovely words of support. 🙂
I just want to take some time and sit with this, but that’s difficult right now with a new job and other stuff (we had to withdraw the offer we made on a home here because of financial irregularities with the seller, so now we are back to square one on that front). I am taking a few days soon to see my sister and to be with her before she starts the Everyman journey to that “undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveller returns.” And you’re very right, allowing the mess to be a mess is best. Things do have a way of coming together again. 🙂 Thanks for reminding me of that. 🙂
Yes, M is a self-described fixer who is trying right now not to be one, and I am beginning to relax into him. It is hard for us independent types to just take a breath sometimes, but I think I may be learning. 🙂
Being an annoying Capricorn as I am, as well as being used life throwing all sorts of chaos at me all at once, because why would it do it any other way, I tend to try to focus on the practical element buried within the mess.
Consider the house situation as something which your M can fix, he knows what you’re looking for in a home so you can let him take over that part of all the changes going on right now, and therefore he’ll be able to be a knight in shining armor dealing with that. He’ll be very worried about you, and may be feeling powerless to help, this will give him power to help.
You got your new job because of your skill and ability, because of who you are and what you can do, that is not something which will be lost. And people tend to give you a wide respectful berth when a family member dies or is dying. It’s an experience which most humans can relate to, which touches the deepest recesses of being, and no one expects you to not be affected by it.
Let yourself work things out at your own pace and in your own time, don’t expect anything to make sense for awhile. You’re very strong, and part of being strong is knowing when to be vulnerable and let that show so others know that you need their support, even if the support is just for them to back away and give you space so you can sort things out for yourself.
The last few years have taught me that I can’t always deal with everything on my own, sometimes I just need help and have to ask for it, and asking for it is not the imposition I think it is – others actually love to help as long as we ask them for something practical which they can give, and often they have a piece of our puzzle.
Every experience in life is part of our journey. Even the most painful situation has healing within it, for us, for others. We’re all in this alone and together. ❤
Thank you very much, Ursula.
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