Alarmingly Calm…

Have you ever…

Freaked yourself out because you were not freaking out?

Worried because you were not worried?

Had anxiety about not being anxious?

For most of my life all of the above has not been too much of a problem because freaking out, worrying, and being anxious was my default setting, therefore the chances of not experiencing one or all of those for long enough to be nervous about not being nervous was rare.

It did happen on occasion.

Those rare times when I relaxed stressed me out more than when I was stressed out due to the training which had taught me that the moment you feel good… is like bait to all the shit-hell-chaos that life has to offer in abundance.

It was safer to feel unsafe all the time and stick to a regular routine of paranoid, hypervigilant, small-stuff-sweating frenzy.

.

uncomfortable zone - sean clarkimage by Sean Clark

.

Some of the causes of my consistent concerns are due to having a natural tendency to space out.

It was strange to find out as I was getting to know myself better and clearing out the internal closet of junk I’d accumulated (much of which wasn’t mine, what a magpie for awful things I’ve been) that I’m naturally prone to being chilled. WTF!?! No… seriously, that’s just not me… or is it? when for most of my life I’ve experienced myself as anything but chilled.

Much of that perspective on myself came from other people, as did the push to be anxious when I wasn’t naturally inclined to be that way. I could be fooling myself about all of this, that does occur, but…

Have you ever had a memory which completely overturns your previous perception of yourself, or reviewed a memory from a new angle which changed how you viewed yourself and what had actually happened, and that one memory once allowed to be viewed causes a domino effect?

.

what we see(k)

.

My need to remain permanently anxious was caused by a set of memories which confirmed that being in a state of fearful alert was necessary, however those same memories viewed from another perspective showed me that I was prone to being too relaxed about myself and life, and someone else had found this to be a terrible state to be in – my calm caused them alarm.

Or more to the point they were already alarmed and my calm made them even more anxious than they were, so for them to feel less anxious they needed for me to be anxious too. Their wound runneth over.

It was a bit like swimming in a pool, feeling fine, enjoying the sensory weightless elation, and having someone jump in next to you, almost knock you out with their heavy, then splash around as though they were drowning (why did they jump into the pool if they couldn’t swim?) creating turbulence all around, while screaming SHARK! SHARK! SKARK! until they’d infected you with their terror of the water, and convinced you that there was a real and present danger even though you knew there wasn’t – the fact that there wasn’t meant that there was to them and now to you too.

When someone else can’t relate to you, it throws them off kilter. They tend to assume your way is wrong and theirs is right, because they can’t handle the possibility that things could be the other way around or worse still that alternate realities could exist in the same place, and neither is right or wrong.

They can’t let there be spaces in your togetherness

.

Khalil Gibran - spaces

.

They have too much clutter and you have to take it on.

They are in a state of panic and want control over what triggers that, which they see as being you and your different ways that are disturbing to them.

How dare you be the way that you are when they can’t and don’t understand it… you make no sense to them, you must be made to make sense and they will be the ones to fix you (or break you if you resist).

They don’t question you to discover or learn anything, they are poking you with the thorn in their side. They’re hurting so you have to hurt too. Pain connects us all and is our main language – whatever language we’re using to communicate it.

If you’re around this type of person for long enough, and if they are in a position of authority over you in any way, you may override your natural tendencies and adopt unnatural ones, that if done repetitively become false-natural to you and you’ll think that’s you… because it is now.

My calm became a source of alarm for me, with the bell ringing without reprieve as the moment it stopped I might relax and revert back to my natural ways which were… SHARK! SHARK! SHARK!

.

self worth - tim fargo

.

I remember being made aware of the perils of having no sense of time, or at least a my internal clock measured time differently, when I was fairly young.

Mostly by my mother who seemed to measure time in seconds, and with each second the ticking inside of her got louder, as though it was the digital readout of a bomb counting down to an explosion which would annihilate her or her reality (which could not be permitted to happen).

Times crimes were something she policed with self-righteous vigour.

If you had an appointment with her and were one second late, she’d hold that against you for the rest of your life and you’d have to grovel for forgiveness for the rest of eternity, any excuses were considered lame. If she had an appointment of any sort she would invariably get there an hour early – halo! She grew up on military time, and was punished with humiliation when she strayed and betrayed it. She never got over that, and passed it on with drill sergeant gusto.

She impressed me with her terror, and eventually I was permanently afraid of the clock, and of myself forgetting what time or day it was.

.

You're going to get us killed

.

I once turned up at the start of a new term of school an entire day ahead of schedule, and ended up in the headmistress’ office having to explain why I was there when I wasn’t supposed to be there. The headmistress, who was quite a fearsome being, showed her softer side in that interaction – she liked that I was so eager to be in school.

I wasn’t eager at all to be in school and would have missed most of it if it was up to me, but it’s best not to speak the truth when in that kind of position.

Anxiety over saying the wrong thing was also a big issue which turned me into a worry wart. No matter what I said, even if I spent hours agonising over it trying to figure out what was the right thing to say, I always seemed to say the wrong thing, the consequences of which were emotional blackmail which is a very special kind of torture.

I ended up almost mute because of it, I spoke as little as possible and was prone to sore throats of the barbed wire variety due to suppressing screams of intense frustration – OMG WTF have I said now which warrants an OTT off-with-my-head reaction!?!

Did I not stroke your ego? It’s sometimes impossible to stroke such an overly sensitive creature without rubbing it the wrong way (all ways are wrong)… maybe that’s the point of it being so sensitive.

Did I not saying anything, is that the problem? Saying anything to you is a burdensome task, every word needs to be weighed before uttering it, I feel as though I’m Sisyphus rolling rocks up my esophagus… maybe I should just choke on it, it’d be less tiresome and more rewarding.

Or are you just wired to find flaws in everything because that’s your G-spot?

.

nerves - virtualgirlfriendimage via Virtualgirlfriend

.

Worrying about making mistakes reached the point where I became paralysed with fear. I couldn’t do anything because everything I did was a mistake and mistakes were things to avoid at all costs as they could cause a nuclear meltdown of armagedon proportions.

It took a long time, by my own time-keeping standards that would equate to several eons, for me to reach breaking point.

That point where you realise that everything you say and do is always wrong, that who you are is a mistake of the unthinkable and unerasable kind, and that all those solutions you come up with to solve the problem that is you will never make anything better, and actually make things worse.

It’s hell within as well as on the outside.

So, you either kill yourself or… you are initiated into the philosophy of fuck it.

.

fuck it

.

Damned if you do damned if you don’t, might as well do whatever… however, do a whatever which is something you feel is right for you, who you are, something authentic to the natural you.

But who is the natural you, and what would you say or do naturally?

That can take a while to figure out… because we often travel so far away from ourselves that we don’t have a frigging clue who we really are, what we really want.

And we may approach such a thing from a black and white angle – If I do what I want then I’m going to fuck everyone else over.

Really? That’s your limited set of options:

1 – Doing what others want means everyone else gets what they want… but you fuck yourself over.

2 – Doing what you want means you get to finally do what you want and get it… but the entire world gets fucked over.

How about expanding on that to find a more friendly balance for one and all, excluding those who only feel satisfied when they get stuff at the expense of everyone else, or who throw all their toys out of the pram just because someone else gets something, and maybe for once in their life they have to deal with not being catered to.

If you think that doing what is right for you is going to cause everyone else to suffer greatly… maybe a new view needs to be explored.

.

worrying what others think - Eleanor Roosevelt

.

And we may still be living by someone else’s rules…

because giving over our power to others is something which we’re all prone to doing due to conditioning

and we’re all a bit timid when it comes to accepting personal power (what happens if we misuse it, isn’t it better if we give it to someone else to misuse then at least we can blame them for abuses of such things which lead to consequences that no one wants to claim… and which ends up in the lost baggage department)

…which can cause clashes with our natural sense of right and wrong, up and down.

.

This Way

.

Gosh, I strayed a lot from my intended path and as usual ended up writing a post which is too long… but that’s the way I like it.

There are hidden messages in my posts to myself, the main one being – this is you, get to know you, see you, hear you, be you… you can try to fight your natural self for your entire life if you want, but… isn’t is relaxing when you just accept you and go with your flow.

My flow at the moment is… alarmingly calm.

There’s a huge change happening which I’ve mentioned on here but… it could slip by unnoticed by the eye which is looking for itself, or things to criticise about me, or whatever…

This change should be causing me to have major breakouts of nervous freaking anxious worry… I keep trying to do that as I used to do but somehow I’m incredibly chilled.

Kinda weird, kinda nice…

.

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Alarmingly Calm…

  1. Beautiful piece. I’m currently in between that ‘kill myself’ and ‘fuck it’ stage. Somehow I’m too scared to even make that decision. This is my safe space.

    Like

    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      Sometimes it’s best to not make a decision, as the decision may not be ready to be made. A safe space exists for a reason, a port in a storm while waiting for better weather and clarity, maybe.

      Like

  2. I think I understand what you mean – feeling calm about just going along and then suddenly becoming afraid, wondering when the other shoe will drop or more likely, when the storm will start.

    While growing up I never had a notion of calm just being calm. It was the state that occurred between barrages, so while I welcomed it as a breather, it also meant that more shit was coming.

    You’ve expressed this very well, Ursula. πŸ™‚

    Like

  3. I am feeling alarmingly calm at the moment concerning a certain situation of my life, where calmness to me is the equivalent of being detached: I see my feelings, thoughts, emotions flow as i would like to seize them and to understand what i am going through-namely, what am I feeling?
    When i was young living with my “parents” my emotions were like a whirlwind and i was the object of my parents’ projections but also the prey of my reactions, and i couldn’t, I hadn’t got the emotional tools to see where it came from. As you often say so clearly, giving to others what belongs to them is a huge relief for me.I still have the habit to collect a lot of emotional junk from other people which doesn’t really make sense.
    All my confort these days lies in silence and the presence of my cat waiting for me at home, we communicate without words and without junk.I love my friends’company, but to understand my moods and my reactions which haven’t got a name yet in my mind i need to observe myself, take a step back and see myself as if i were somebody else.You can observe your thoughts and then you see that there is a certain register to them, some are recurrent, it’s like the colour of sounds;without judging, you see what you are living.This is what i call being alarmingly calm, as, exactly as you have experienced, anxiety is my own shadow since a very early age.Sorry for this rambling, it just came out like this, probably it has got nothing to do with your post, I was talking to myself. xxx

    Like

    1. I love your rambling, and feel as though we went for a walk together, having a chat along the way πŸ™‚

      Calmness does have a certain detachment about it, it’s not unlike meditation. You’re grounded within yourself. The outer world flows around you, and the inner world flows within.

      What you describe about seeing your feelings flowing reminds me of that meditative state where you calm your mind and let your thoughts flow past without getting caught up in them, as though sitting on a riverbank watching the water moving by. You’re observing yourself, attached to the centre of you, yet detached from all the tangents which flow out from the centre.

      I would say that what you’re feeling is you being you. Your personal river which is made of many feelings blending together, and they’re moving by, if one needs you to catch it then it will splash you and your skin will absorb it, but for now observe the view from your place of calm.

      Be like a cat. They’re wise teachers of the art of when to be calm and when to jump into action, and how to rest within the centre of self.

      You’ve earned the calm, let yourself enjoy it ❀

      Like

  4. Love it! It really reminds me of my path and journey in discovering who I am.
    I love your observations as well, how you are alarmingly calm, it reminds me the conversation with my neighbor yesterday, she spoke in a tone as if expecting you to ride the alarm with her. I didn’t react with alarm and she would pause for a few moments, mouth open, eyes locked in contact, and then repeat. I really enjoy your posts and how they give me greater insight into my own upbringing, it’s effects, and how to heal. Keep up the good work!

    Like

    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      It’s always interesting when you can observe a scenario like the one with your neighbour and see it almost in slow motion. There are so many nuances in interactions which we sometimes miss because we’re usually focused on what is being said or done and our mind filters them out.

      Sometimes something sticks with us after an interaction, a stand out feature, and exploring it can give us a new perspective or insight into one of our life puzzles.

      That thing which stands out is like a question or an exclamation mark telling us that we have a notification for ourselves. There is knowledge within which wants us to know it.

      I like to explore my past when something new occurs in my present because it can give a different perspective on the past, and sometimes it creates a ripple which may release me from an old binding or contract.

      We all have this incredible depth within us, stories to share with ourselves that give us insight into who we are and so much more. The journey of self discovery is a great adventure which has many a beautiful oasis.

      Like

  5. Awwwww~ I look forward to you everyday just as if it were Christmas morning! The joy, the gift !! I am going out on a branch ( not a limb) because it may get me in trouble.. but as you said, you’re feeling .. chill πŸ™‚ ~ I want to guess the big change is between you and your dance between your mother. I want to guess that she has attempted or, just has been herself and causes the usual ” SPLASH” and you just continue to ….float. Not being rocked by the shark fear is allowing you to be ” you ” – you without the life vest and her floatation devise, all geared up, never a chance to “”just be “”” because you were either saving yourself or some else or swimming from a invisible shark. ” YOU ” ~ the one you shut up because the battle was not worth winning, the “You”, you buried so you could stay on high frequency at all times… I think you are coming back to you.. and you really like her. And she is really more powerful and wise than was ever given credit for. And now the sharks feAr Her! :-)))

    xo
    if I’m really off base – I sure loved what I wrote and it made me feel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      I really like how you’ve branched off, it’s given me a perspective I hadn’t considered and I think it’s on base.

      Up until a few years ago I hadn’t heard a squeak from my mother for about a decade. Then she burst back onto the scene and brought her special hell with her. At first it caused me to spiral into old ways of being, my anxiety levels shot up and paranoia sucked energy out of me as I tried to predict every possible twist, turn and move she might make. Even though I was firm about not having any direct contact with her (which caused even more antics on her part), I was still affected by her. Luckily I was blogging before it happened and had been expressing myself more and more freely thanks to the many wonderful people, like you, who have shown me that being myself as I am is what my life’s about.

      I’m not sure if you realise how much it means to me when you share yourself with me, but I know you know the feeling I get – it is Christmas morning πŸ™‚

      There are a couple of things going on right now in RL which are running parallel to each other, however one is the old coming to an end, and one is brand new just beginning, and the old is fertilising the ground for the new. And what has struck me the most about myself at the moment is that I’m calm and not so long ago I’d have been a nervous wreck. It’s such a bizarre feeling, yet it feels like home. I’m finally home, at least for now anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Perfectly expressed. I’m going to say a very selfish thing: it always helps me to hear that you’ve gone through very similar experiences. This post in particular, the adoption of others’ viewpoint and the re-discovery of your own, is so very on point. Thank you for yet another look into my own shaping, and for offering the sense that we really can recover (though of course the process never stops!)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. An excellent video choice at the bottom of your new post…
      Synchronicity with you…again!!!! πŸ™‚
      I finally run away for a few days from London to stay and cycle around Windsor…my best mate lives here in a beautiful barn, but he is away atm… So I have a look at the cows and fields all for myself πŸ™‚ Why am I writing this…because that’s what your post reflects … I couldn’t hear my own thoughts anymore or find the gates of my inner world… Too congested from the outside..friends, non-friends, randoms…good vibes, bad vibes…that constant flow…
      I won’t go in astrology again but I will mention that progressed Uranus is at 0 degree on my Asc…it literally doesn’t leave me alone… Even today I was cycling like a maniac…cycling fast and crazy as if I wanted to chase my peace.. Old me… Dreamy me… Ethereal me…I saw deers on the road, old cottages, loads of fields, some interestingly shaped trees… But still couldn’t connect…then I said your favourite two words: ‘Fu’k it!!!!’ πŸ™‚

      When you earlier said that everything changes…I agree that most things change, but that inner space is def what it is…at least with me… All my life… That beautiful stillness packed with life … And yes music taste changes and mirrors your different phases… But there are a few artists that I’ve been listening to all my life…because they are rooted in my inner stillness…so they never change…they are a part of my constant universe…and yeah I had a Vangelis phase as well πŸ™‚

      And here is something from Mr Gibran your mother should know (but the way you describe her, it seems it would never reach inside her):

      Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

        I agree, the core of our being is a constant, kind of like the core of this planet or at least how we perceive the core of the planet to be as no one has actually seen it (which is probably a good thing). However the layers around the core are subject to change, just as the layers of Earth do. Nature’s impulse is to evolve, and sometimes that evolution is a journey back to ourselves.

        Windsor is very beautiful, it’s one of those places where time seems to stand still, it moves at a more leisurely pace, and it sounds like you’re having a great getaway.

        What you said about your escape from London reminds me of when I used to live in NYC and then travel to other places, like London. Compared to NYC, London felt like Windsor feels to you, because the pace of life in NYC is like drinking too much caffeine, whereas London felt like a civilised cup of tea, calmer and calming. Of course after I moved to London, then London felt manic and going to places in the countryside felt soothing.

        Our systems adjust to our environment, so when we travel it can be a shock to the system which is used to the pace of where we’ve been living. Sometimes that shock is very pleasant, a gradual unwinding of our wound up selves.

        Have you ever used astro.com’s location astrology charts. You can see you natal chart mapped and see which places connect to which planets and aspects. Would be interesting to see what astro-vibe London has for you.

        Who are the artists that are a constant for you?

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      It helps me too when I hear about stories similar to mine. I think it grounds us in our reality which when we experience it alone can feel unreal and make us doubt ourselves. It’s a supportive touch which makes us feel real.

      Like

Comments are closed.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: