A Very Merry… Dirty post

No, not that kind of dirty…

this kind of dirty…

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Earth Shrimps

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“We say ‘forest’ but this word is made of the unknown, the unfamiliar, the unencompassed. The earth. Clods of dirt. Pebbles. On a clear day you rest among ordinary, everyday things that have been familiar to you since childhood, grass, bushes, a dog (or a cat), a chair, but that changes when you realize that every object is an enormous army, an inexhaustible swarm.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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These are earth shrimps

(more formally known – by humans – as Chafer beetle grubs – not sure what they call themselves formally or informally

they look delicious, don’t they… apparently the local wildlife finds them such a delicacy that all sorts of creatures will rip up your lawn to get at them… that wasn’t why I was messing with them or getting dirty. I’ve recently had my shit sorted out by professionals

(literally as in septic system fixed… I wouldn’t trust a professional with my other kind of shit, they’re more likely to stir it, paint the walls with it, and make it worse… that kind of shit tends to sort itself out better when left alone or dealt with alone or something like that)

and so I was tidying up by making a dirty mess with me in the middle of it.

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“Against the background of general freakishness the case of my particular freakishness was lost.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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While looking at these earth shrimps I did find myself oddly craving a prawn cocktail

(oddly because I haven’t had one of those since I was a child)

while I dug through the dirt and they kept popping up… like mother earth’s special popcorn. Yummy!

I got very dirty and loved every minute of it, even when I was damp with sweat, every muscle ached, every bone felt bruised, and every pore in my skin was saturated with grime, mud, spores of deep scented decay…

As I worked I found myself having conversations in my head with a gathering of all sorts of people, some were those I knew personally, some were those I didn’t know except through books or other media, and some were those strange beings who are sometimes real to us but don’t actually exist, we’ve sort of created them like mind babies who are all grown up and rather argumentative.

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“Great! I’ve written something stupid, but I haven’t signed a contract with anyone to produce solely wise and perfect works. I gave vent to my stupidity…and here I am, reborn.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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As I discussed and debated with this gathering of inner people, I… managed to solve all first world problems

(just get stuck in real mud and deal with your own real shit, and petty grievances will get absorbed by the earth or deconstructed by micro-organisms designed by nature to do that sort of thing, either way they’ll fertilise your soil).

Of course I didn’t solve anything…

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“Man is profoundly dependent on the reflection of himself in another man’s soul, be it even the soul of an idiot.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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…but the illusion was fun and made me feel all merry and warm inside which was a lovely reprieve from feeling other things…

there’s a couple of old fears poking and prodding me from within, unearthed by recent events which have uprooted me and replanted me in the type of soil for which I have always longed but never thought I’d find… and now that I’ve found it… sometimes it terrifies me…

we long for things when they are out of our reach, but what happens when… they are not only within reach but in our hands, touching our sweaty palms, held by our grubby fingers which dug for so long for that desired treasure… and now… we have it…

what I felt seemed reflected by the sky as evening fell and the clouds gathered to pay homage to the fading light

(and since I couldn’t see anymore, I had to stop… stopping can feel sacred after an entire day of going and going and going… and that’s when everything you’ve done before catches up to you).

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Evening Cloud Gathering

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“Beauty beheld in solitude is even more lethal.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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This morning…

I realised that Christmas is this week…

I’m a bit of a scatterbrain about formal holidays and such…

but that doesn’t mean I’m oblivious

(although it can, at times, mean that)

So…

Here’s wishing you a very merry…

Take care of yourselves…

be gentle with yourselves… you don’t have to have it all figured out or be… anything other than you

(don’t worry if you’re not sure who you are or what being yourself means)

and if you’re alone while everyone else seems to be gathering together…

remember that sometimes when we’re together we feel most alone,

and,

we’re never really alone even when alone, we have a world within us…

and sometimes that inner world is… all we need…

but if you need someone else,

I’m here…

at least, I think I’m here… I’m not always sure… what’s going on…

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17 thoughts on “A Very Merry… Dirty post

  1. Merry Christmas to you special earth digger 🙂 I am wishing for lot of your upturned presence and perspectives in 2016… 🙂

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  2. Beautifully written. From 2015 I have learnt a lot and after years I am beginning to stop this ‘people pleasing’ without boundaries. I have realised I come first and it’s not selfish but healthy. So if anyone going through the trauma at present…keep strong and listen to your gut.. I wish I did…or do I? I did have fun initially then into hell but it has woken me up to something I never realised so it’s now time to heal the inner child.
    Take care everyone, Merry Christmas and a great 2016. 😘

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    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      Merry Christmas and many blessings for 2016!

      I agree that putting ourselves first is healthy for us and it’s good for others too.

      It’s strange the way things work, we’re conditioned to believe that being selfish is a terrible way to be, we feel guilty for doing things for ourselves, for taking care of our needs, for pleasing ourselves, and so we focus our attention on others trying to please them to make them and us feel good which often ends up making us feel bad about ourselves and others.

      Going through hell can sometimes be the catalyst which forces us to really get to know ourselves, face our wounds and set about healing them in a way which is good for us. What’s good for us often ends up being good for others too, although not always in a black and white manner.

      Following our gut is basically about being honest with ourselves, which sometimes feels very uncomfortable and all types of wrong, like a mistake in the making, but if we don’t follow our own gut whose gut are we going to follow and does their system work better for us than our own.

      Keep doing what you’re doing, and be gentle with yourself!

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      1. So true…. always felt something missing in my life… now thanks to my experience of hell I have found the answer…. I never really knew and loved myself . … but I do now.. Keep strong and you will be next…it’s a wonderful free feeling..☺

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      2. Dear Ursula
        it warms my heart to know you exist.
        I wish to thank you for all the care, affection and shared thoughts you had for me,which I cherish as i do with my offline friends.
        i have to make an effort not to focus on the fact i don’t exist for my family, all I have is friendship in my life.
        Thank you for explaining to me the deep issues which affected my life and making me feel less lonely in this familiar and familial lunacy.
        i wish you a very merry Christmas with your loved ones.
        S.xxx

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        1. Thank you, Bellissima! Merry Christmas to you too ❤

          I don't exist for my side of the family either – best X-mas present ever, because for a moment I existed for my mother and that was hell-again-and-again. Twisted humour aside, I do understand the wish that 'family' would just for once be who family is supposed to be and stop being the opposite of that.

          When I was a child Christmas was always spent in the Rome home with my dad's family… let's just say that sometimes it could be nice, if you had your coping mechanisms turned on to the max, but mostly it was a competition between people who hated each other for very petty reasons.

          I recall coming across the concept that our 'real' family isn't who we happened to be with due to birth but those who we choose later on. Friends who make us feel loved as we are – that's an awesome gift, rare and valuable.

          You're an amazing soul, truly beautiful… a beauty tempered by life's most violent and deep storms. I am honoured to know you. Thank you!

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          1. Every single word you wrote applies to my life case too. it is also true i have deep bonds of friendship saving me from being alone on earth.My parents always said:”never trust anyone but your family, who are the only ones caring about you, all the rest is fake and phony..”. It’s grotesque and black sense of humour as life revealed it the other way round.I have the creeps as i sense they said that to isolate me; my mother hated when people invited me at their place.It was difficult to understand but i never realized to what extent.
            My friends saved me from everthing my family planned for me.
            Thank you for all the beautiful words you have for me, i really would like to see myself as you do!:)))
            It happened to us, why not to us, as Andy White put it? There are peopel who are born blind, babies who die in their sleep and classmates who have just died this year at my age.BTW, he has just written an impressive analysis on empaths looking for Ns.I hope all this good sound reading will help me not to fall for them anymore, too familiar soul killers.

            I hope you had a lovely day.xxx

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            1. Thank you very much ❤ I hope you're having a lovely X-mas time too.

              It's a time often associated with increased family hell for children of N's so… it takes awhile to remind ourselves that there are other ways of experiencing this time of year.

              Christmas with my parents was like being on the Titanic which would get resurrected each year just to sink it again, and the insanity would culminate on my birthday. So I used to dread this time of year. One year we were on a cruise at X-mas, and I seriously considered jumping ship as drowning, being eaten by sharks, floating away into nowhere seemed preferable to the usual horror show.

              Narcissists isolate themselves, and therefore isolate anyone who happens to be an extension of them – they isolate us because they're isolating themselves and we're a part of them – and they isolate themselves because they're terrified of everyone and everything. That's why they never stop ripping everyone and everything to shreds, hating, criticising, bitching and fear-mongering. It gives them the illusion that they're not afraid but are powerful – getting the hits in first. It wears you down to a nub… and you're supposed to be grateful for it.

              Why not us, indeed. I like that concept. If we can accept it then it places us firmly in ourselves and our experience and then we can start to feel more able to find our way through the lessons our life has brought with it because we own it. Problem is we're so used to focusing on everyone else, judging and comparing ourselves to them and them to us because that's what our parents did and passed onto us… although it plays out differently for narcs and victims of narcs… that accepting ourselves and things as they are is a bit of a struggle. Requires concentration… and it is so easy to get distracted.

              Some aspects of empathy are a distraction tactic we use to not have to deal with ourselves. Or at least that's something I saw with how I used to use empathy. It took being on the receiving end of two rather annoying empathic people (who weren't being empathic at all but were convinced that they were) to realise that empathy can be something other than what it seems, what we tell ourselves and others it is and we're doing with it.

              Empathy is also the ability to realise that others can take care of their own feelings and deal with shit.

              I don't think you'll fall for N's anymore, your soul is too alive to allow itself to be subjected to murder attempts. What you've done recently with your family shows you that. You're a very different you from the child that you once were because you've allowed yourself to tell your story and listen to it as you tell it. You've come a long way… I think you can see it and know it, but it is rather awesome and I think you sometimes find yourself too beautiful to look at directly 🙂

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        2. Strangely, not explaining how I got there, I was just listening to Georges Brassens and heard these lyrics:

          Et je m’demand’
          Pourquoi, Bon Dieu,
          Ca vous dérange
          Que j’vive un peu…

          🙂

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          1. Eh oui!!! Dieu n’est pas un type recommandable..
            What a deep thinker, my favourite is “les passantes” whose Italian version has been perfomed by fabrizio de andré,
            I love your last picture, there is a painting by c d friederich celebrating the same kind of tree.
            how are you feeling in your new home?if these are the surroundings, it looks wilder than the previous one..

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            1. Thank you 🙂

              I’m still a bit uncertain about how I feel in this place, perhaps because it felt like home the moment I set foot in it, on its soil, I felt comfortable here immediately and that’s weird and new for me. It usually takes me ages to relax in a new location, sometimes years, and then I end up leaving the moment that happens because it took me too long. I’m the same with people, without the leaving part… although they sometimes get bored of waiting for me to stop being so formal and shy.

              It is more rural than the previous place, a bit more off the beaten track. It’s kind of in the middle of several nature reserves. That tree is across the road, part of an old woodland.

              One of the things which this move has highlighted is the need to be a bit more adventurous… leave the old ways behind and let things happen, reveal themselves, see what emerges and where that leads. Less thinking, analysing, more just going with whateverness.

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  3. You’re so amazing. Each post you share just makes me feel that sens of your awesomeness more deeply and it is a perpetual émerveillement ( in french in the text ) for me. I love this. Grateful for you, I am so glad the Universe came up with you !!! Thanks ❤ ❤ ❤ for being you. You make me wander. And I love it.

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