A Very Merry… Dirty post

No, not that kind of dirty…

this kind of dirty…

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“We say ‘forest’ but this word is made of the unknown, the unfamiliar, the unencompassed. The earth. Clods of dirt. Pebbles. On a clear day you rest among ordinary, everyday things that have been familiar to you since childhood, grass, bushes, a dog (or a cat), a chair, but that changes when you realize that every object is an enormous army, an inexhaustible swarm.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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These are earth shrimps

(more formally known – by humans – as Chafer beetle grubs – not sure what they call themselves formally or informally

they look delicious, don’t they… apparently the local wildlife finds them such a delicacy that all sorts of creatures will rip up your lawn to get at them… that wasn’t why I was messing with them or getting dirty. I’ve recently had my shit sorted out by professionals

(literally as in septic system fixed… I wouldn’t trust a professional with my other kind of shit, they’re more likely to stir it, paint the walls with it, and make it worse… that kind of shit tends to sort itself out better when left alone or dealt with alone or something like that)

and so I was tidying up by making a dirty mess with me in the middle of it.

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“Against the background of general freakishness the case of my particular freakishness was lost.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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While looking at these earth shrimps I did find myself oddly craving a prawn cocktail

(oddly because I haven’t had one of those since I was a child)

while I dug through the dirt and they kept popping up… like mother earth’s special popcorn. Yummy!

I got very dirty and loved every minute of it, even when I was damp with sweat, every muscle ached, every bone felt bruised, and every pore in my skin was saturated with grime, mud, spores of deep scented decay…

As I worked I found myself having conversations in my head with a gathering of all sorts of people, some were those I knew personally, some were those I didn’t know except through books or other media, and some were those strange beings who are sometimes real to us but don’t actually exist, we’ve sort of created them like mind babies who are all grown up and rather argumentative.

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“Great! I’ve written something stupid, but I haven’t signed a contract with anyone to produce solely wise and perfect works. I gave vent to my stupidity…and here I am, reborn.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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As I discussed and debated with this gathering of inner people, I… managed to solve all first world problems

(just get stuck in real mud and deal with your own real shit, and petty grievances will get absorbed by the earth or deconstructed by micro-organisms designed by nature to do that sort of thing, either way they’ll fertilise your soil).

Of course I didn’t solve anything…

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“Man is profoundly dependent on the reflection of himself in another man’s soul, be it even the soul of an idiot.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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…but the illusion was fun and made me feel all merry and warm inside which was a lovely reprieve from feeling other things…

there’s a couple of old fears poking and prodding me from within, unearthed by recent events which have uprooted me and replanted me in the type of soil for which I have always longed but never thought I’d find… and now that I’ve found it… sometimes it terrifies me…

we long for things when they are out of our reach, but what happens when… they are not only within reach but in our hands, touching our sweaty palms, held by our grubby fingers which dug for so long for that desired treasure… and now… we have it…

what I felt seemed reflected by the sky as evening fell and the clouds gathered to pay homage to the fading light

(and since I couldn’t see anymore, I had to stop… stopping can feel sacred after an entire day of going and going and going… and that’s when everything you’ve done before catches up to you).

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“Beauty beheld in solitude is even more lethal.”
― Witold Gombrowicz

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This morning…

I realised that Christmas is this week…

I’m a bit of a scatterbrain about formal holidays and such…

but that doesn’t mean I’m oblivious

(although it can, at times, mean that)

So…

Here’s wishing you a very merry…

Take care of yourselves…

be gentle with yourselves… you don’t have to have it all figured out or be… anything other than you

(don’t worry if you’re not sure who you are or what being yourself means)

and if you’re alone while everyone else seems to be gathering together…

remember that sometimes when we’re together we feel most alone,

and,

we’re never really alone even when alone, we have a world within us…

and sometimes that inner world is… all we need…

but if you need someone else,

I’m here…

at least, I think I’m here… I’m not always sure… what’s going on…

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