Christmas, Capricorns, Narcissists and New Year

It’s that time of year…

When the past and the future meet in the present…

Okay, that happens all the time…

However we’re more mindful…

(oh, mindfulness, you new trendy hot topic, and cashola source for some, made of fragments of old wisdom of the lived experience sewn into something more fashionable for our times)

of it happening at this time because we’ve created a threshold for it that is hard to ignore no matter how you try to do it… there’s always something or someone there to remind you, even if you’re alone and have bolted all the doors, windows, insulated and isolated yourself as best as you can.

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crunchy numbers

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This is a screenshot of my blog’s year in review, it’s WordPress’ way of reminding those who have a WP blog that it’s that time of year.

Before I get too intoxicated by the numbers and begin to think that I’m good at this (and really am an exhibit in the Louvre), WordPress also reminded me that…

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Capricorns and Narcissists

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…my popular posts were written years ago (and maybe I should write more like that instead of whatever I’ve been doing this year… or the soon to be past year).

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This is a quandary I’ve come across throughout all the years of my life (or, at least, the ones I can recall)…

For as long as I can remember (and I do have selective amnesia, especially of the 90’s… I think it’s the 90’s I’ve blanked out but my sense of human time measurement is a bit askew)…

I’ve never been good at doing the popular thing. I just do stuff and sometimes (rarely) it accidentally becomes something which other people like, are interested in…

I once started walking around the teacher’s desk during recess… I was about ten years old… I have no idea why I did that, I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time, or, more likely, I just felt like doing it so I did it… and before I knew it my classmates had joined in until we formed a circular Conga Line without the music (unless you count the patter of children’s feet and giggles). We did this for the entire break, and I don’t think any of us knew why we were doing it but we did it anyway. It became a fun thing to do at that time…

For some reason I’ve never forgotten that small snippet of childhood nonsense. Perhaps it stays with me because it was a moment when I was just going with my own flow and that flow happened to catch others in it.

Usually going with my own flow caused (and still causes) all sorts of problems because it has invariably tended to go against the flow of others… and others don’t like it when you swim in a different direction, they get all third degree questioning on you as it makes them self-consciously paranoid (why are you not doing what they’re doing!?!), and having that kind of light shine in your face, that kind of aggressive interrogation directed at you, that kind of close critical inspection of you… from another who is certain you are wrong (or is afraid that you might be right), can make you take refuge in a world of self-doubt which is a ferris wheel of inner pain.

But for a moment, I was not going against the flow, splashing up an annoying storm in someone else’s current, I was the current, I was the flow… and it was weird to have others go with it without asking me why… perhaps they did ask why but I don’t recall that, I just remember the camaraderie of it… a good kind of weird to have had doing something strange and for that strange to be popular.

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be the strange

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I’ve been through several stages and phases of blogging… some of which I’d rather forget, but I’ve left the evidence of it posted on my blog because it is helpful to remember sometimes even when we don’t want to…

I forget myself a lot… sometimes I need to not do that.

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joan didion

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When I wrote the posts which are now the most popular on my blog, and draw in a lot of views (whether those viewers like what they see, or stay for more, is another matter)… that wasn’t what I was aiming for. I was simply… walking around the teacher’s desk during recess.

I wrote something for myself, had a conversation with myself (out loud), went with my own inner (zigzagging) flow… which was rather tumultuous at the time (and still is much of the time as my current is always shifting, often against itself)…

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maturity and damage

we also immature with it… which may be the case in my case.

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The posts about Narcissists came from me trying to figure out my own story…

which I had sort of dealt with privately, but…

it wasn’t until I did it publicly that I crossed a threshold which has made a huge difference for me personally.

I guess… it’s because so much of the experience of a relationship with a narcissist happens behind a facade, behind closed doors, hidden from public view… and when you try to pull back that curtain, people tend to avert their eyes…

just as you avert your own eyes from it…

just as the narcissist does and gets others to do…

which is both an easy option and a hard one…

but when eyes don’t avert…

sometimes you can finally see, and others seeing it too makes a difference…

you can emerge from the past and embrace the present (and accept the gift from the curse…)

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the past

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The posts about astrology…

one I wrote because it was something I searched for online, had a hard time finding the information, had to go through a lot of search results to get what I actually wanted (many thanks to the astro forum thread which finally answer my question) and decided to write a post which encompassed that… my question and the answer. That’s all it was and is.

the other one is more personal, and it’s not just about being a Capricorn. Having Capricorn as my Sun sign… in many ways is also about growing up with parents who I think are narcissists (I say it that way because it is my perspective of them – not their perspective of themselves, or the perspective of others of them… although… sometimes perspectives agree on what they see).

I used to hate being a Capricorn… partly because when others ask you what Sun sign you are this is the answer which makes other signs react as though you’ve just said you are a Vampire (before Vampires were so sparkly, sexy and trendy) and want to drink their blood (before people actually wanted to be True Blood donors).

An example of the typical reaction to Capricorn:

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“Yeah you’re a Capricorn all right, no matter your chart, you exhibit all the traits I’ve hated about you pretentious, frightened bitches. You reveal it in everything you’ve written, in fact your whole bullshit Capricorn perception is written from a place of defense. Yeah, that’s normal too.Because you’re always afraid someone will find out who you are. That what you play out to society is an arrogant mask that hides nervousness, insecurity, fear, anxiety and the overwhelming fear of Societal failure. And being Alone IS your biggest fear. Else, you wouldn’t have mentioned it. In fact, the scariest thing to Caps – both male and female is that you might have to spend time by yourself. You become employed out of fear, you marry out of fear and you have children out of the terrifying notion you might have to spend time alone.”

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This is a comment someone made on the problematic Capricorn post. I did not approve this comment because I’ve approved this kind of comment before and it tends to cause the kind of kerfuffle in the comments section of my posts which I’d rather avoid.

That avoidance comes from growing up with two (narcissist) parents constantly at war with each other, and I’m fed up with being piggy-in-the-middle… that role requires the kind of attached-detachment which… isn’t healthy for anyone… and I’ve had enough of that kind of human psyche thing to last me several lifetimes of Christmas and New year.

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change

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But I do think it is worth sharing.

All sides need to be heard even if each side does not want to hear anything the other side has to say, just wants to see things from their viewpoint, stick firmly with it and rant themselves into a frothy bubble bath.

Sometimes it is just about telling your story…

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bill nye

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And that’s what I’ve done on my blog…

told my story…

often cryptically because old habits die hard, and maybe they shouldn’t be killed off…

Maybe those old habits have a purpose which we don’t always appreciate…

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10 to Zen

New Year’s resolutions ?… I can definitely do #10… not sure about the others.

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So…

Thank you…

for allowing me a small place and space where I can tell my story, prattle on about this and that, converse with myself out loud and sometimes you join in…

for sharing with me who you are, your own story, perhaps conversing with yourself out loud on here and sometimes I join in…

We’re all in this together even when we feel alone…

Happy New Year,

Merry Old Year…

Best wishes and blessings…

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 I was going to say something else, but I’ve forgotten what it was…

I’ll just take another turn around the teacher’s desk…

want to come with?

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