What Would You Like Me to Write About?

The other day I wrote a post about how blogs are people,

how what you find on a blog reflects the person behind the blog who experiences all the ups, downs, and usual merry-go-round of being a human living life.

I know that’s obvious but sometimes the obvious gets obscured by… by what?

By all sorts of things which clutter the mind and distract it,

which worry the heart and grip it,

which keep us inside,

perhaps trapped within ourselves,

reaching out but hitting a personal wall (which we sometimes blame on others),

maybe making us lose sight of what and who is outside of us,

and what is inside what and who is outside of us.

.

hurt - Louis CK

(unless they’re a narcissist, in which case… the rules are a bit different)

.

The other day halfway through writing that post I was interrupted by a visit from someone… who I had invited to visit and give a quotation on a job which needs doing,

and which I can’t do myself…

well, I could try and do it myself but that would probably end up in disaster,

and avoiding disaster is partly why this job needs doing.

I’ve always been rather reckless, rash, impatient… prone to suffering from a case of reactant boredom

[the astro on that is, maybe – Mars in the 3rd house (identifying passionately with ideas and acting on them before thinking them through), square Mercury (argumentative and not likely to back down),Β  sextile Moon (strong emotions which make me impulsive), and Uranus in the 1st conjunct Jupiter in the 2nd (these two crave personal freedom… they do also give to others what they want to get for themselves, which isn’t always as good as it sounds]

.

Boredom scale - New Scientist

.

while at the same time I’ve also been overly cautious, anxious, a big old worry wart… in part due to being aware of my recklessness and its consequences…

[Virgo rising and Virgo Moon conjunct Ascendant (analyse things to death before doing them… end up not doing them due to the long buffering time), and Saturn square Sun (whatever the ego wants it doesn’t get, or if it gets it then it is somehow not good enough for it – in both ways of the meaning of that)]

which often make me either want to kill myself or kill someone else (anyone who witnessed the mess I’ve made… so I won’t have to tidy it up in a practical and painstaking way… mind you, if I were to kill someone else… that’s why I never do, it’s too much of a faff… I’m joking… at least I think I am)…

[Pluto in the 1st… always involves some kind of a death, usually in my case a death of some attitude I have which sucks and is creating destruction of the non-helpful kind]

but it’s also because I grew up with narcissists and they have a knack for making you permanently paranoid about everything, especially yourself…

“OMG what have I done now!?!” – was a mantra for me as a child, teenager, adult…

exposure to them makes you suspect yourself of being radioactive…

you can never do anything right (on the positive side – everything you do is certain to be wrong)…

explains why I had a soft spot for Godzilla…

and they do inspire you to go on a killing spree (of yourself, of those they want you to kill for them… of them, especially that! but you’d never do that, would you!?!).

.

reset the world

(if you dusted that button for prints they’d probably belong to a narcissist or someone who has been in a relationship with one)

.

Trying to find a balance between these two sides of self can be tricky,

and I’ve often made things worse by trying to make them better.

Sometimes I just shouldn’t interfere, but… when should I and when shouldn’t I?

Answering that question requires the intervention of another side of self – the detached observer.

[Mercury in Aquarius… or INTP from a non-astro angle but still using one of the many classification systems which we humans use to try to pin our elusive selves down (ouch… that pin is pricky and pointy…]

That part which watches you all the time, and says ‘Hmmm…’ a lot, as though it is chewing on food and finding the taste interesting… hasn’t decided yet what the flavour is, salty, sweet, bitter or… whether it is delicious or disgusting… it’s main focus is on identifying what the ingredients are…

it wants to understand, perceive… rather than judge (which annoys all those parts of you which love to judge you without a fair trial).

This part of me…

has been a life-saver (for me and sometimes for others) in many ways as it has always encouraged me to pause to reflect, to self-reflect…

.

flying turtle

(is that really optimism or something else? I suppose it depends on how you look at it… and where you are when you do)

.

Recently I’ve been more reckless than usual,

perhaps because I’m finally free from some of the reins which have been increasingly restricting movement over the last few years…

during that time this blog has been a haven for me to break free and…

be very selfish about how I did that.

I always feel guilty about being selfish… although not so much these days as I used to. This blog has helped me to see that being selfish is sometimes beneficial to me and others at the same time. It can be healthy…

This blog is the creation of… someone who has spent most of their life trying to stop themselves from being themselves in one way or another, and then, one day, someone got fed up with me being that way and gave me an encouraging and supportive push to just be myself as is and find out…

what the consequences of that really were, rather than had been or were imagined to be based on what had been…

[and since I was having a transit of Uranus opposing natal Uranus at the time… gung-ho craziness seemed easy… I did some very stupid, rash, reckless things, but sometimes that’s healing… some times are just right to break free from our chains and find out what it is to… just be]

.

.

To honour the past,

to celebrate the present,

and usher in the future with a wave and a smile (hoping it won’t run away screaming every which way but loose…)

prompted by someone asking me to write for their blog

(I did finally pull myself together from that surprise opportunity and emailed them with an ‘okay, let’s give this experiment a go’ but they haven’t replied… I did mention in the email that I probably wasn’t the right person for the task, and I did point them in the direction of someone who would be a better fit for it… and said that I’d be okay with it if they’d changed their mind about the offer, me… and considering how long it took me to answer their knock… but we always expect others to be quick to reply to us even when it took us ages to reply to them, and … sigh, being human is… a challenge…)

.

people being people

.

and also prompted by a regular commentor-friend who very kindly complimented me on the new header image – “The new one on your home page in stilettos is wicked sexy. I think it shows a side of you I haven’t seen before. How about a blog about that?”

(ps. The stilettos were a joke-gift from my partner, who inspired me to share myself online and who reads my blog… I have Eros in Aquarius, my erogenous zone is the wacky, weird and funny-haha-strange)

I want to thank you…

all of you who read my ramblings and seem to enjoy my kind of crazy…

truly, madly, deeply for being…

yourselves…

a part of my journey, life…

supportive and awesome…

this blog is mine, me…

but it is also yours, you…

we share this place and space…

and play with letters together.

.

Plays with Letters

.

So…

What would you like from me, from this blog?

What would you like me to write about?

It can be anything… feel free to be weird (I do… and mi casa es tu casa)

and…

I will do it in my own way, stream of rambling consciousness style…

starting at a here and ending up who knows where…

but that’s stating the obvious…

Over to you!

Advertisements