The other day I wrote a post about how blogs are people,
how what you find on a blog reflects the person behind the blog who experiences all the ups, downs, and usual merry-go-round of being a human living life.
I know that’s obvious but sometimes the obvious gets obscured by… by what?
By all sorts of things which clutter the mind and distract it,
which worry the heart and grip it,
which keep us inside,
perhaps trapped within ourselves,
reaching out but hitting a personal wall (which we sometimes blame on others),
maybe making us lose sight of what and who is outside of us,
and what is inside what and who is outside of us.
(unless they’re a narcissist, in which case… the rules are a bit different)
The other day halfway through writing that post I was interrupted by a visit from someone… who I had invited to visit and give a quotation on a job which needs doing,
and which I can’t do myself…
well, I could try and do it myself but that would probably end up in disaster,
and avoiding disaster is partly why this job needs doing.
I’ve always been rather reckless, rash, impatient… prone to suffering from a case of reactant boredom…
[the astro on that is, maybe – Mars in the 3rd house (identifying passionately with ideas and acting on them before thinking them through), square Mercury (argumentative and not likely to back down), sextile Moon (strong emotions which make me impulsive), and Uranus in the 1st conjunct Jupiter in the 2nd (these two crave personal freedom… they do also give to others what they want to get for themselves, which isn’t always as good as it sounds]
while at the same time I’ve also been overly cautious, anxious, a big old worry wart… in part due to being aware of my recklessness and its consequences…
[Virgo rising and Virgo Moon conjunct Ascendant (analyse things to death before doing them… end up not doing them due to the long buffering time), and Saturn square Sun (whatever the ego wants it doesn’t get, or if it gets it then it is somehow not good enough for it – in both ways of the meaning of that)]
which often make me either want to kill myself or kill someone else (anyone who witnessed the mess I’ve made… so I won’t have to tidy it up in a practical and painstaking way… mind you, if I were to kill someone else… that’s why I never do, it’s too much of a faff… I’m joking… at least I think I am)…
[Pluto in the 1st… always involves some kind of a death, usually in my case a death of some attitude I have which sucks and is creating destruction of the non-helpful kind]
but it’s also because I grew up with narcissists and they have a knack for making you permanently paranoid about everything, especially yourself…
“OMG what have I done now!?!” – was a mantra for me as a child, teenager, adult…
exposure to them makes you suspect yourself of being radioactive…
you can never do anything right (on the positive side – everything you do is certain to be wrong)…
explains why I had a soft spot for Godzilla…
and they do inspire you to go on a killing spree (of yourself, of those they want you to kill for them… of them, especially that! but you’d never do that, would you!?!).
(if you dusted that button for prints they’d probably belong to a narcissist or someone who has been in a relationship with one)
Trying to find a balance between these two sides of self can be tricky,
and I’ve often made things worse by trying to make them better.
Sometimes I just shouldn’t interfere, but… when should I and when shouldn’t I?
Answering that question requires the intervention of another side of self – the detached observer.
[Mercury in Aquarius… or INTP from a non-astro angle but still using one of the many classification systems which we humans use to try to pin our elusive selves down (ouch… that pin is pricky and pointy…]
That part which watches you all the time, and says ‘Hmmm…’ a lot, as though it is chewing on food and finding the taste interesting… hasn’t decided yet what the flavour is, salty, sweet, bitter or… whether it is delicious or disgusting… it’s main focus is on identifying what the ingredients are…
it wants to understand, perceive… rather than judge (which annoys all those parts of you which love to judge you without a fair trial).
This part of me…
has been a life-saver (for me and sometimes for others) in many ways as it has always encouraged me to pause to reflect, to self-reflect…
(is that really optimism or something else? I suppose it depends on how you look at it… and where you are when you do)
Recently I’ve been more reckless than usual,
perhaps because I’m finally free from some of the reins which have been increasingly restricting movement over the last few years…
during that time this blog has been a haven for me to break free and…
be very selfish about how I did that.
I always feel guilty about being selfish… although not so much these days as I used to. This blog has helped me to see that being selfish is sometimes beneficial to me and others at the same time. It can be healthy…
This blog is the creation of… someone who has spent most of their life trying to stop themselves from being themselves in one way or another, and then, one day, someone got fed up with me being that way and gave me an encouraging and supportive push to just be myself as is and find out…
what the consequences of that really were, rather than had been or were imagined to be based on what had been…
[and since I was having a transit of Uranus opposing natal Uranus at the time… gung-ho craziness seemed easy… I did some very stupid, rash, reckless things, but sometimes that’s healing… some times are just right to break free from our chains and find out what it is to… just be]
To honour the past,
to celebrate the present,
and usher in the future with a wave and a smile (hoping it won’t run away screaming every which way but loose…)
prompted by someone asking me to write for their blog…
(I did finally pull myself together from that surprise opportunity and emailed them with an ‘okay, let’s give this experiment a go’ but they haven’t replied… I did mention in the email that I probably wasn’t the right person for the task, and I did point them in the direction of someone who would be a better fit for it… and said that I’d be okay with it if they’d changed their mind about the offer, me… and considering how long it took me to answer their knock… but we always expect others to be quick to reply to us even when it took us ages to reply to them, and … sigh, being human is… a challenge…)
and also prompted by a regular commentor-friend who very kindly complimented me on the new header image – “The new one on your home page in stilettos is wicked sexy. I think it shows a side of you I haven’t seen before. How about a blog about that?”
(ps. The stilettos were a joke-gift from my partner, who inspired me to share myself online and who reads my blog… I have Eros in Aquarius, my erogenous zone is the wacky, weird and funny-haha-strange)
I want to thank you…
all of you who read my ramblings and seem to enjoy my kind of crazy…
truly, madly, deeply for being…
a part of my journey, life…
supportive and awesome…
this blog is mine, me…
but it is also yours, you…
we share this place and space…
and play with letters together.
What would you like from me, from this blog?
What would you like me to write about?
It can be anything… feel free to be weird (I do… and mi casa es tu casa)
I will do it in my own way, stream of rambling consciousness style…
starting at a here and ending up who knows where…
but that’s stating the obvious…
Over to you!
I’d like to share a couple of ideas.
I’ve wondered how you have so many dem quotes from so many people! I think it’s cool how they follow along with your posts. How long does it take you to write a post, and do you just write from the hip? I really like your pictures that follow as well. I enjoy your ‘word play’ writing style. Blogging about your blogging process might be a little boring so I’ll share some more ideas.
You’re very artistic. I think this comes from your father. Did he encourage it? I’d love to see his art but understand your reasonings for not sharing. You write much more about your mother than your father. How much did he partake in your life?
Have you thought about writing a book? Why and why not?
I’m still bugged that you said I said, “your favorite author is mine.” I’m not an avid reader, so I don’t think I shared this with you. Charles Dickens (Edger Allen Poe a close second) has always been my favorite author. I remember your favorite book because I’ll purchase it for my little one someday, but I cannot recall your favorite author, so how could it be mine? I’ve been in a drunken haze so could be. But I’d really like you to direct me to where I posted this for more self-reflection than anything. I think a post about this whole situation would be hilarious!
And lastly, Revenge! I’ve found myself caught up in rather disturbing fantasies about it. Yea, yea, yea, I know the best revenge is easy living, but this does not satiate the ego. Have you found yourself caught up in plots and how would you carry through. I’m sure a blog about this subject would find many twisted twists.
Hope these help. Thanks for sharing a part of yourself.
Thank you very much 🙂
What a wonderful cornucopia of suggestions to work with and enjoy scribbling about!
In answer tomyour question, “whatnto write about.” Every time I think I am “in love” again, it turns out – one more time to be a flaming 5 star narcissist – who throws me away like a piece of garbage. I keep insisting to myself I have “learned the warning signs.” Apparently not. Is is possible to ever get past attracting our narcissistic parents?
Thank you very much 🙂
I remember when I was in my late teens/early twenties coming across the concept that we tend to be attracted to those who are like our parents, that idea chilled me to the core and inspired me with a paranoia about falling in love. Even before I labeled them as narcissists they were the epitome of what I didn’t want to experience in a relationship.
It’s an interesting subject and I’ll definitely do a post about it as it’s one I’ve tried to tackle personally throughout my life from several angles (including the new age one, esp. past life karma). The book Soul Mates by Thomas Moore is one of the best I’ve read on the subtleties which are a part of attraction and relationships, this is and article he wrote about it – https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199403/soul-mates
Wow, how nice that you ask your readers what they want you to write about! 🙂 I am gonna be a bit boring and say some things that sound equal to what Mark said… but yes, I would also like to know more about “why” you are so artistic, how it started and perhaps if you work in a profession that has to do with art/literature? Do you write books, paint, play an instrument, etc? Hmmm, there’s so much more, but I can not specify more.. oh yes, wait! Maybe a bit more about your everyday life, I loved that bit when you shared about how you had moved into a new place, and so on. And how the people there in the town/area, had lived there a long time.. How do you relate to those people, are there some interesting original characters there? Etc. 🙂
Thank you very much 🙂
Those are great ideas, and lots to write about. I really like the suggestion about doing a snippets of daily life series, that’s got me thinking… cool!
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You’re welcome.. and so, yep, you’d better get busy writing! 😉 Haha. Just kidding. But looking forward to reading whatever comes next.
I already have an idea for the next post, it’s something I’ve been doing sporadically all week – peeling paint off of the hallway wall. It is as boring as it sounds but it has also sparked some inner twisty philosophising about all sorts 😉
Yes. 🙂 I would also like to learn more about your artistic interests. I often wonder how you make your living (you don’t – obviously – have to write about that if it identifies you. I understand about that.) and if it’s tied to writing or photography. My vision is that you work from home choosing only the projects you’re most interested in as you are in great demand and can do that. 🙂 Yes, very idealised but somehow it’s what I see (or perhaps would like to see). I would also like to see more photos of your property and home. 🙂 We are a curious bunch, aren’t we? 🙂
Thank you very much 🙂
I’m curious too!
I would love to be your idealised version of me 😀 sounds great!!!
Dear Ursula, Cranky Woken Bear in the Middle of the Winter, please keep writing about being human, about inner conflicts and upside down views, about seeing others through seeing yourself, about seeing yourself through seeing others. One psychologist once said “What kind of shadow the other person casts on you?” ….something like that 🙂
Once I had a chat with a friend, a “what if” game: what would you do if you met someone like you, or even your double? I said “I would rejoice!” And his answer was “I would fight him (till the death?!)” Well….I am a woman, even having Sun conj Mars, so I kind of get him, but…. Also I have Virgo Sun, Sun square Saturn, plutonian mother (1st house, Leo in Pluto generation), plutonian virgoan husband (ascendant), my own asc in Scorpio and Pluto in Libra (some say that’s the biggest dose of social anxiety), NN in Capricorn and IC in Aquarius – I think these quite make up for many similarities 🙂 So I feel very comfortable reading your thoughts, also, from my longtime readings in psychology, I think you are onto something in trying to see things as relative, relational a n d the exact opposite at the same time. Because we, I mean humans, are complicated.
I also like how you question the narcissism thing…. but most, how you have pointed out it’s (whatever it is behind that “definition”) gift – I have found that the most insightful thing, conceptually, which had been dispersed through many other ideas in your writing. This phenomena – the naming, the blaming, the books, the money people make of their experiences is puzzling me, I try to put it in the historic perspective, and if you were interested, I would like to discuss it, maybe through e-mail, if you do that kind of thing 🙂 Or maybe some time later I will do it in my own blog, according to the spirit of times, the zeitgeist. I’m panning, yes, and yours is a considerable inspiration 🙂
Thank you very much 🙂
The ‘what if’ game is an intriguing one to play.
One of the things I find fascinating is when a ‘what if’ scenario becomes a ‘what is’ one, when something we could only imagine actually happens and we get to find out whether we are who we thought we would be, whether we actually do what we imagined doing, whether we feel as we expected to feel, in that scenario.
In the case of meeting someone like ourselves I think it’s a combo of your reaction and your friend’s – there would be rejoicing and fighting – maybe a rejoicing because of the fighting, as we’ve finally met our match 😉
There might be an element of Highlander in it – there can be only one! – as we are attached to the notion of being unique, one-of-a-kind, and meeting someone who is as unique as we are can be upsetting to our sense of individuality. There are just so many ‘me-too’s’ we can handle before it starts to get annoying, especially as we get to experience the flip side of ourselves, what it is like to be on the receiving end of our behaviour and personality.
We may get the opportunity to see ourselves in such a way that it dissolves the illusions which we had about ourselves – that’s something which happens in a relationship with a narcissist, and that is partly why the blaming can be so intense.
People writing books about their experience with a narcissist is perhaps a way for them to reclaim what they feel they’ve lost, to get back what they view as having been taken away from them by the narcissist. There is also an aspect of making lemonade out of lemons, turning pain into profit. It’s in some ways one of the gifts which we can get out of a relationship with a narcissist, and it may be healing, part of someone’s recovery. The main problem which I see with it is that if you write a book about your relationship with a narcissist, and if it becomes a source of income (not just financially but in other ways too) then it could keep you stuck in the relationship with the narcissist in a manner which will be even harder to escape. If your success comes form your pain, can you afford to let go of your pain, can you risk not living in it anymore?
Eminem wrote a song awhile ago which reflected something along those lines. He was reflecting upon the fact that his success and popularity was in part due to rapping about his struggles, but then he got rich and could afford not to struggle anymore. He couldn’t write about the same things which had made him famous because he wasn’t living them anymore, and he felt that writing about the life he was living might alienate his audience.
Speaking of what if’s, I don’t do email with the blog atm, I have considered it but the main what if is – what if I can’t handle it. It’s easier sometimes not to do something rather than do it and then try to undo it. So the comments section is my email section. I know it’s not ideal for those who want to discuss something which they don’t want shared publicly. Oh, and speaking of sharing things publicly, blogging is a great way to meet yourself, it may not be exactly what you had in mind in your what if you met your doppelganger thought journey but it’s a version of it. Meeting ourselves through what we write can be both enjoyable and a fight 😉
A no is a no 🙂 But glad to meet you all the same!
Yes, a no can be a no, but it can also be a no for now, but you’ve given me food for thought and I need to consider if the no will always be a no. 🙂
You’ve given me food for thought, too, and I had a hope for a no for now, just didn’t speak it out. Just thought to myself – I’m not going anywhere:)
Thank you ❤
Hi Ursula…you are amazing as ever, I miss you! I go through spurts of visiting your blog. I have a question: Did you ever want to have a kid? Also, I’m curious about your partner. I kind of want to meet him too- like I’ve meet you. I think the older I get the more I am intrigued in why people chose certain people to marry. Obviously having a relationship with a narcissist opened my eyes to the “whys” in life. Why do I do this, why am I attracted to this friend, why, why ,why. You are to me the master of the “why.” I love that about you. I am teaching my teenage daughter about this- she is intuitive and we share similar traits (which actually drives me nuts). I use your line a lot with her- “trust yourself.” Thanks for passing along that gift. It’s being paid forward, thank you ❤
Thank you very much 🙂
It’s lovely to hear from you ❤
I do like to ask why a lot, and try to find out the why of everything. Sometimes I do ask myself why I'm asking why and need to know the why of someone or something. Curiosity is stimulating and it can open the doors of perception into other worlds.
I don't write that much about my partner in my posts because it's one thing for me to spill my beans on here, that's my choice, but I don't want to spill the beans of those close to me. He's been a great teacher to me, helped me learn to be okay with myself and lots of other things over the almost two decades we've been together (I think we're together because he was too polite to kick me out when I chased him from one continent to another and moved in with him). I have been thinking about writing about that a bit more. Hadn't thought about writing about not having a child, and my own story about that, but I have seen people write about their feelings on the matter and I've enjoyed reading what they wrote. Much food for thought, and nourishing inspiration, thank you 🙂
My partner and I share many similar traits, and it can indeed be both wonderful and really annoying (being on the receiving end of your own behaviour/traits in someone else can be perplexingly frustrating). Your relationship with your daughter sounds awesome!
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