Where there are Humans…

Silencio

.

“Where there are humans,
You’ll find flies,
And Buddhas.”
― Kobayashi Issa

.

One moment your life is a beach,

and in the next it is a bitch.

You shouldn’t say that! – someone says,

(which bit shouldn’t I have said? I can guess but I might be wrong as I was wrong to say that…)

taking what was just a something you said and turning it into a something you shouldn’t say,

which will now become something you should always listen out for not saying when about to say something in the presence of ears which can’t hear what you say without…

objecting to it due to not wanting to hear it ergo you mustn’t say it as they don’t want to…

be objectionable and censor you…

because that makes them feel bad about themselves as they see themselves as being a good person…

you’re making them do it…

it’s your fault that

they’re

making

you

think about what you’re about to say as they might hear it and that would offend them or discomfort them,

make them wiggle and jiggle and prone to sharing that wriggle in the form of…

a gift from them to you that doesn’t feel like a gift at all,

because you’re just being and sharing what just being sometimes says…

and now you can’t do that,

not around them,

maybe not around anyone…

Phew!

I probably shouldn’t have said that!

.

“The only relationship that can make both partners happy is one in which sentimentality has no place and neither partner makes any claim on the life and freedom of the other.”
― Milan Kundera

.

The someone most likely to tell me,

at least these days

(now that certain people have no say in my life – they still keep trying to have a say to say…),

that I shouldn’t have said that

(whatever that is),

is me

(shit… so their influence still does have a say…).

But I’m not as bothered about having said whatever I should not have said as I used to be,

I shrug and just accept that it’s been said and I can’t take it back,

can’t rewind and then try to say what would have been the right thing to say which may have still ended up being judged as something I shouldn’t have said…

let’s see what happens next,

I’d rather deal with the consequences of having said something than the consequences of not having said something which I should have said…

Because there is also that – you should have said that!

That hell known as second-guessing yourself when there’s nothing you can do about it,

other than pick a hole in the tapestry of you and your life.

.

“Always retain the ability to walk away, without sentimentality, from a situation that felt unmanageable. That was a basic rule of survival. Don’t lift a finger for a lost cause.”
― Stieg Larsson

.

I sometimes think – you shouldn’t have said that – when others are talking,

(I rarely if ever say it out loud because – I shouldn’t say that!)

like I did the other day more than once while listening to a rather feisty person,

who was admirable in their way of being,

but… yes, there’s a but…

who seemed to be able to pick fights with others where fights didn’t naturally need to erupt,

a bit like going into a hermetically sealed from anything ‘nature’ indoor swimming pool and finding an alligator there,

since that alligator is not in a natural environment,

therefore can’t find other natural environmental things existing there,

it may have to substitute you for its regular food,

and it may be a bit cranky about that – you don’t taste right, but you’ll do since it’s hungry,

and maybe it is even hungrier after eating you.

They were discussing how they had dealt with a problem,

(by making it worse – according to me, but not according to them. They used sandpaper where I would have used honey.)

more than one actually,

as recounting one made them recount others through association,

and to back up their self-story about how awful everyone else is at doing things they need others to do for them,

(they were not completely wrong about this assessment, but not completely right either – as they saw themselves)

but only one impacted me,

(which is why I was minding about someone else’s business)

through collateral damage,

of the passive aggressive retaliation of a frustrated soul who had been reprimanded,

and felt powerless to do anything other than lash out at those it could perhaps get away with lashing out at…

… hmmm… powerless lashing out seems to be at the root of these ripples.

.

“All stories are about wolves. All worth repeating, that is. Anything else is sentimental drivel.

All of them?

Sure, he says. Think about it. There’s escaping from the wolves, fighting the wolves, capturing the wolves, taming the wolves. Being thrown to the wolves, or throwing others to the wolves so the wolves will eat them instead of you. Running with the wolf pack. Turning into a wolf. Best of all, turning into the head wolf. No other decent stories exist.”
― Margaret Atwood

.

Someone

else

who was a part of the conversation with feisty,

and who was in some ways using feisty to fight their battles for them,

because they were, like me, a honey rather than sandpaper and sometimes that just doesn’t get results,

called this place

the death of ambition

which was rather at odds with certain aspects of the place

the people here

and the person saying it who was working on a very ambitious project in the locality.

Perhaps what they meant was that it wasn’t so much a place where ambitions comes to die,

(a quiet and peaceful R.I.P)

so much as a place where ambition changes direction due to not being able to flow in a regular way,

and so maybe it starts fights where fights don’t need to be,

it’s the hailstorm at the beach on a fine Summer’s day where nothing and no one could have predicted such a turn of the weather,

(although there is usually always someone who knew this was going to happen and would have warned everyone…

they should have said it but they didn’t because they were afraid that if they did everyone would have told them they shouldn’t have said that! Spoilsport!)

because it needs to find some wolves in its story so that it can feel like a hero,

and not feel like an underdog who

may actually be a wolf.

.

chinese proverb

.

 

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9 thoughts on “Where there are Humans…

  1. Bravo!!
    I am always on the verge of almost saying something but never saying it because the few times that I do say anything are the times I shouldnt have said anything……
    ~B
    Ps I lowkey howl at the moon because…. wolf. Hmmm maybe I shouldnt have said that ;last bit

    Like

    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      I’ve been there so many times that I almost forgot there was anywhere else to be. I eventually got fed up of kicking myself for not saying things, and decided to say stuff just in case it was useful. I kick myself a fraction less for the things I’ve said and shouldn’t have said than for the things I should have said but didn’t. So, that’s something… maybe.

      Certain howls can only be heard by other wolves, so I think you got away with that one 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think some of the voices in my head are just the ghosts of all the words I should have said but didnt….

        my great epiphany: to start writing them to clear up the clutter

        ~B

        Like

        1. That’s a wonderful epiphany! Makes a lot of sense.

          Awhile ago it occurred to me that in some ways that’s what those who are very talkative do. When they talk they’re thinking out loud, sharing the clutter inside their heads with others, clearing a space in their minds and maybe even getting others to help them sort out their thoughts. Whereas those who tend to be prone to being quiet keep most of it inside and so the mess stays inside, and they have to sort it out by themselves. Or something like that 😉

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Fuck. Shit, I shouldn’t have said that. 😉

    That stuff – the saying or not saying – will send you to the ceiling in no time. 😉

    Other impressions: I love Margaret Atwood. Narcissists are wolves in sheeps’ clothing. I hate it when it hailstones on beach days. 🙂 Feeling silly today…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Haha! 😀

      The hailstones at the beach was a Daily Post prompt and I just went with it because it tickled my imaginative fancy. The last time I went to a beach the wind made the sand feel like each grain was a piece of hail. I got a wonderful exfoliation that day 😉

      I’ve lived on that ceiling, and sometimes screamed silently from up there while trying to figure out which words were actually allowed to be said, and then tried to make a sentence out of them. At some point I fell off the ceiling and what I said then was definitely not for the delicate of ear.

      A feeling silly day is an excellent day!

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