Where there are Humans…

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“Where there are humans,
You’ll find flies,
And Buddhas.”
― Kobayashi Issa

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One moment your life is a beach,

and in the next it is a bitch.

You shouldn’t say that! – someone says,

(which bit shouldn’t I have said? I can guess but I might be wrong as I was wrong to say that…)

taking what was just a something you said and turning it into a something you shouldn’t say,

which will now become something you should always listen out for not saying when about to say something in the presence of ears which can’t hear what you say without…

objecting to it due to not wanting to hear it ergo you mustn’t say it as they don’t want to…

be objectionable and censor you…

because that makes them feel bad about themselves as they see themselves as being a good person…

you’re making them do it…

it’s your fault that

they’re

making

you

think about what you’re about to say as they might hear it and that would offend them or discomfort them,

make them wiggle and jiggle and prone to sharing that wriggle in the form of…

a gift from them to you that doesn’t feel like a gift at all,

because you’re just being and sharing what just being sometimes says…

and now you can’t do that,

not around them,

maybe not around anyone…

Phew!

I probably shouldn’t have said that!

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“The only relationship that can make both partners happy is one in which sentimentality has no place and neither partner makes any claim on the life and freedom of the other.”
― Milan Kundera

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The someone most likely to tell me,

at least these days

(now that certain people have no say in my life – they still keep trying to have a say to say…),

that I shouldn’t have said that

(whatever that is),

is me

(shit… so their influence still does have a say…).

But I’m not as bothered about having said whatever I should not have said as I used to be,

I shrug and just accept that it’s been said and I can’t take it back,

can’t rewind and then try to say what would have been the right thing to say which may have still ended up being judged as something I shouldn’t have said…

let’s see what happens next,

I’d rather deal with the consequences of having said something than the consequences of not having said something which I should have said…

Because there is also that – you should have said that!

That hell known as second-guessing yourself when there’s nothing you can do about it,

other than pick a hole in the tapestry of you and your life.

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“Always retain the ability to walk away, without sentimentality, from a situation that felt unmanageable. That was a basic rule of survival. Don’t lift a finger for a lost cause.”
― Stieg Larsson

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I sometimes think – you shouldn’t have said that – when others are talking,

(I rarely if ever say it out loud because – I shouldn’t say that!)

like I did the other day more than once while listening to a rather feisty person,

who was admirable in their way of being,

but… yes, there’s a but…

who seemed to be able to pick fights with others where fights didn’t naturally need to erupt,

a bit like going into a hermetically sealed from anything ‘nature’ indoor swimming pool and finding an alligator there,

since that alligator is not in a natural environment,

therefore can’t find other natural environmental things existing there,

it may have to substitute you for its regular food,

and it may be a bit cranky about that – you don’t taste right, but you’ll do since it’s hungry,

and maybe it is even hungrier after eating you.

They were discussing how they had dealt with a problem,

(by making it worse – according to me, but not according to them. They used sandpaper where I would have used honey.)

more than one actually,

as recounting one made them recount others through association,

and to back up their self-story about how awful everyone else is at doing things they need others to do for them,

(they were not completely wrong about this assessment, but not completely right either – as they saw themselves)

but only one impacted me,

(which is why I was minding about someone else’s business)

through collateral damage,

of the passive aggressive retaliation of a frustrated soul who had been reprimanded,

and felt powerless to do anything other than lash out at those it could perhaps get away with lashing out at…

… hmmm… powerless lashing out seems to be at the root of these ripples.

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“All stories are about wolves. All worth repeating, that is. Anything else is sentimental drivel.

All of them?

Sure, he says. Think about it. There’s escaping from the wolves, fighting the wolves, capturing the wolves, taming the wolves. Being thrown to the wolves, or throwing others to the wolves so the wolves will eat them instead of you. Running with the wolf pack. Turning into a wolf. Best of all, turning into the head wolf. No other decent stories exist.”
― Margaret Atwood

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Someone

else

who was a part of the conversation with feisty,

and who was in some ways using feisty to fight their battles for them,

because they were, like me, a honey rather than sandpaper and sometimes that just doesn’t get results,

called this place

the death of ambition

which was rather at odds with certain aspects of the place

the people here

and the person saying it who was working on a very ambitious project in the locality.

Perhaps what they meant was that it wasn’t so much a place where ambitions comes to die,

(a quiet and peaceful R.I.P)

so much as a place where ambition changes direction due to not being able to flow in a regular way,

and so maybe it starts fights where fights don’t need to be,

it’s the hailstorm at the beach on a fine Summer’s day where nothing and no one could have predicted such a turn of the weather,

(although there is usually always someone who knew this was going to happen and would have warned everyone…

they should have said it but they didn’t because they were afraid that if they did everyone would have told them they shouldn’t have said that! Spoilsport!)

because it needs to find some wolves in its story so that it can feel like a hero,

and not feel like an underdog who

may actually be a wolf.

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