The Master of the Why


Why did I say that?

Why did I do that?

Why did I say that when I could have said this instead, I didn’t want to say that so why did I say it, why didn’t I say what I really wanted to say?

Why did I do that when I didn’t want to do it, what I really wanted to do was something else but I didn’t do what I wanted to do I did something I didn’t really want to do instead… why?

Why am I thinking what I’m thinking?

Why am I feeling what I’m feeling?

Why am I writing this…?

Why am I writing this instead of fixing the hole in the hallway ceiling?

Why did I make that hole?

That last question is easy to answer. The toilet above overflowed causing water-damaged to that part of the ceiling and it needed to be repaired by ripping the sagging, damp and moldy plasterboard out.

I haven’t fixed it yet because… I’m waiting for… Godot?


waiting for Godot


For the mood and the mental state to be right for the fixing. It may be awhile before that happens…

In the meantime I’m imagining doing it, both in a practical, slow, hands-on DIY manner, practicing in my mind before I actually do it, hoping to make mistakes before I make them and learn from them the easy way before doing it the hard way… and in a magical, quick, twitch of a witch’s nose, waving of an invisible wand manner.

I love to indulge in the fanciful fantasy that I have kinetic powers. That I can move things with my mind, and not just move them but change them with a thought, a visual thought which transfers from inside to outside.


I’m not sure. I’ve wished to have this kind of ability since I was a child. I’ve always enjoyed moving things around in my mind, changing the scenery around me with a blink of the inner eye. It makes time pass when you’re waiting and it gives you a different perspective on and of the way things are.

I also used to enjoy moving things around in a more practical manner. Leave me alone in a room for long enough and I will eventually start shifting furniture (don’t leave a hammer in the room with me…). Chances are, after hours of heavy lifting and trying things out in every possible position, I’ll end up where I started, with everything back to the way it was before (unless you left a hammer in the room with me… and didn’t also leave nails), except now I’ll know why things were placed as they were placed. I’ll have a personal reference point for why someone did what they did when they furnished the room.

I could have accepted things as they were from the start and saved myself a lot of time and trouble, avoided mistakes, and probably also avoided getting bruised and scratched in the process, but…


a simple goal


When I first visited this house while looking for a home, one of the things I checked, while considering the possibility of buying it, was the drainage system (because this house has a septic tank – you’re responsible for your own shit and have to live with it, take care of it). It was not a pretty sight and when I asked the (now previous) owner about it they claimed that they were being eco-friendly, as they were a staunch environmentalist, and were not flushing the toilet for anything smaller than a poo. That didn’t explain why the drains were clogged with dirty water…

The reality of the fantasy they were selling was that the septic tank needed fixing (and it’s not a DIY kind of fixing, nor is it the kind of thing which can be left unfixed until the mood and mental state are right because in its unfixed state it’ll make them never right).

Why did they say that?

Why did they do that?

The answer is simple – they wanted to sell the house.

Scratch that, they didn’t actually want to sell, they loved this place (even with its sewage problems). They needed to sell it for reasons which they wished weren’t reasons to do what they did not want to do but had to do.

The answer is often more complex than the surface simplicity.

We often seek to find a simple answer to our why’s. We long for the black and the white to clarify what confuses both our thoughts and our feelings. But black and white answers often leave us dissatisfied. Somewhere within we know it can’t be that simple…


Because if we apply black and white rules to others then those rules must apply to us too… and we don’t like it when others simplify us like that, so why do we try to simplify others like that?

We want to classify others to make life and relationships easier for us, yet when others classify us the way we have classified them for the same reasons…


As strange as you are - frida kahlo


This post’s title came from something one of you said about me. You inspired this. Why? Because you asked why.

Asking why isn’t necessarily about the why…

or having the why answered…

Sometimes it’s a question which isn’t seeking an answer.

Sometimes it’s an answer disguised as a question.

Sometimes it’s an answer about ourselves asked as a question about someone else.

Sometimes it’s the end of a journey which is just beginning…


Why not?



  1. “Why” is a dangerous question, perhaps the most dangerous of them all, at least I think it is considered to be, among “the ruling classes”… How about approximately a hundred years ago, when some of the workers in Europe for example, started asking “Why” should we work 13 – 16 hours? It is ruining our health, we want an 8 hour work day… But for them (and for us), it was good that they asked the question “Why”… it led to a positive change… I think the question “Why” very often leads to a change, or at least a change in perspective… it can be sudden and rash, sometimes… But I think “Why” is the most important question of all, and one that we do not ask ourselves enough… So thank you for reminding me of it.. 🙂 (Now, look what I did again, I took your brilliant post and got my own associations from it, and it led to a rambling comment.. I hope you do not mind that! 🙂 )

    Your post was brilliant. As always!


    • Thank you 🙂

      I love rambling comments! I love it when you share the associations you’ve made.

      You know that I love making associations and following those rambling paths, but I don’t only enjoy it when I do it, I also enjoy it when others do it. There be treasures there! And those are the best conversations, when everyone shares their inner wanderings!

      Why… can definitely be a dangerous question to ask, and you’re right, history shows that over and over. A why asked at the wrong time can get you and others killed, but asked at a moment in time when the timing is just right… it can save a life and maybe more. Either way it seems to lead to progress of one sort or another. But why progress? Where are we going and why are we going there? And where did it all begin, and why did it begin?

      This is a fun video which is part of a fun series:

      Why is a very intriguing question, perhaps the biggest why is – why do we ask why?

      Who invented the ‘why’? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • I watched the link! 🙂 It was fun, it is the eternal question…. I like to wonder about if there is a “clockmaker” or not… 🙂 It can drive me nuts that I may never find out the answer to this “Why”. Why are we here, what the hell are we doing, is there any point, etc. 🙂 …..

        P.S. I like your style! But you already know that. 🙂


        • Thank you 🙂

          I used to ponder that question to the point where I read too many books written by others who pondered that question and tried to find the answer. My mind was over-saturated with the musings of others and it drowned out my own musings.

          I think that maybe it’s one of those questions which can’t be answered because it’s an ongoing process of life figuring itself out as it is lived by all the diverse organisms which live a life – whether that life is that of an amoeba, a virus, a plant, a bird, a human, a meteor, an element, a grain of salt, etc.

          My favourite theory of god is god as an atom… but it’s just a theory, and in some ways, so are we 😉

          So… we’re here because we are, what the hell are we doing? whatever the hell we do at any given moment, is there any point, yes, on a pencil when we sharpen it… but is that really a point or is it just something we’ve labeled as a point?

          Perhaps the point, why we’re here, what we’re doing is… just to be and ask why of something that will never really answer us. ?

          Liked by 1 person

          • Oh, you blev my mind into a million little pieces again! 🙂
            I do hope to get at least some answers before it is all over… and if I don’t get the answers before then, I hope to at least get them after death… I think that is only fair, considering I have waited for so long… 😛

            Sometimes I admire those who have a strong faith in god/religion. It must be nice to feel that you have such clear answers to many things. Why are we here? “Because god felt like it”… that sort of thing.. but on the other hand, I feel it is good to have this open mind aswell, to me it gets a bit more exciting when I can’t find all the answers from a book…

            Thanks for replying and I love what you said about the point on a pencil! That cracked me up! 🙂


            • I sometimes admire those people who are so certain too… but then I notice all those sacrifices of self they make (and the sacrifices they make of others – especially those) to stick to their convictions and I’m glad I’m not as certain as they are.

              My mother used to tell this story of her first impression as a small child of god. She thought he lived in the toilet because she witnessed, more than once, her mother banging on the toilet door shouting – God, are you still in there!?!

              It was a joke… but was it a joke?

              You have an amazing mind, open to a whole world out there and because it is open to the world out there, it is open to the world within – close it off to what lies beyond and you close it off to what lies within. 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

              • Yes, I am also glad to not have very “fixed” ideas.. it is wonderful to think of different scenarios and possibilities… lately I have been thinking quite often of the idea that some people have put forward, that there could be a multiverse… that our universe could be just a “bubble” out of billions/or endless other “bubbles”/ universes… that would surely make it too much for one God to keep track of… he/she /it would have to have secretaries and Vice Gods etc.. 🙂 My head hurts now! 😉


                • One of my favourite TV shows was Fringe, which is about alternate realities colliding. It was a very amusing show, with some very intriguing ideas. At one point all the main actors were playing themselves and their alternate selves and it was hilariously confusing. 🙂

                  I like the theory of the multiverse because it’s pretty much what life is like, each human has a different idea of the world that we live in, so we’re all living in our own bubbles/universes already.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • It sounds very different, that show! I ought to take a look. 🙂 Your thought that we are all bubbles/our own universes, is so great! That made me smile… 🙂 Thanks, neighboring universe!


  2. I have to say when someone actually asks me “why?”- like “why do you think that happened to you”…I am kind of floored. I’m floored because I think we usually use the why internally in our minds like you mentioned- “why did I do that?” etc…but when someone actually asks “why?” it’s shocking in a way. It’s shocking because many people don’t care to ask the why since we all so preoccupied with our own internal whys. But you are the master of the why because you actually ask people that in your responses to them. It is uncommon and that makes you unique and makes others drawn to your writings and responses. About 2 years ago when I first posted on your blog this floored me and I remember thinking, “this person actually gives a shit.” Most people don’t…even good people, it’s just our nature. Not sure who invented the “why” but it’s definitely a powerful trait which you possess and it makes you extra awesome. That’s “why” I love your blog ❤


    • Thank you ❤

      That's an interesting observation. It's something which sometimes drives me nuts – when people don't ask 'why' about themselves or others, about situations, happenings, issues, and many other things. Or if they do ask 'why' they're not really interested in listening to what comes next. The 'why' was part of small talk or a figure of speech, rather than a curiosity for life's mysteries revealed through a life.

      A friend keeps asking me why I like astrology, but they're only asking why as an introduction to them making a statement about themselves, about how they don't believe (everything boils down to belief or not belief for them – they can't fathom the grey area known as a suspension of belief) in astrology (and think anyone who does is an idiot) because it is not scientific. Their interest in and understanding of science goes about as deep as their way of asking why. I would love it if for once they'd ask themselves why they're so obsessed with what others believe, and why they need to discredit what others believe to confirm to themselves that what they believe is right. But…

      But then I remind myself that we all have different perspectives which come from different experiences and with different values, and sometimes I see the value in not asking why because experience has taught me that it's not always prudent to ask why.

      Asking why and wanting to know what comes next after you've asked it…

      there's a book whose author's name I can't quite recall (very annoying because he wrote a series of deeply introspective books, and I was very into his work for a time), wherein he said something along the lines of – once you cross the threshold which comes with asking why and wanting to know where that why leads, you can't ever go back to the way things were, the way you were, and you may find yourself on the outside of the world that many others inhabit, that you once inhabited, because they haven't asked why, don't want to ask it or know where it leads, and you can never get back in again as you've crossed a point of no return.

      Why can be the can opener that shows us if a can is full of worms, and we all tend to be squeamish when it comes to worms, even though they're rather a fascinating species.

      Years ago when spending a week with my aunt, uncle and cousins, while visiting my father's childhood home which he'd just bought for sentimental reasons, we opened an old can on a shelf thinking it might be suitable as lunch. We'd only just arrived and were hungry, the local shops were closed during lunchtime. The can was supposed to contain macaroni, but it was full of worms – which looked a lot like macaroni. I'll never forget that moment because within it was a paradox – those worms were probably more nourishing than the macaroni 😉

      I like to know the 'why' of others because understanding others can solve a lot of problems which we have with others that plague relationships and interactions. It can also inform the self about the self, and solve problems we have with being a self – our most challenging relationship that influences all our other ones.

      And it's also a source of wealth of the infinite kind. People are rich within, with depths that only asking them why and being interested in the answer can reveal.

      I give a shit because you give a shit about your shit – and that shit is something we all have in common. 😉


      • “Asking why is not always prudent”- very wise and so true…it’s not our place to ask it and/or maybe we don’t want to know why. Nothing wrong with leaving things unsaid or what that author mentioned about the point of no return (that can be a scary place to be if you don’t want to face something).

        Many times we know the answer or reason behind the “why” anyways (like you mentioned with your friend) and it’s not being asked for ultruistic reasons- there instead is a motive or intent behind the question. This is probably the case behind most questions people ask each other. I ask “why” usually because I care about learning about others but I have learned that this is not the case for everyone. But I am getting better at seeing the intent behind people’s asking which makes me feel paranoid at times which I hate. I then get paranoid that people are thinking “why does she care.” My response is I just do…and sometimes I wished I hadn’t as it has backfired on me. But I learned from it and know it’s my strength so I am at peace with that and I will continue on my way since it’s who I am. I’m not changing that.

        I like your explanation of why you like to know the “why” of others- it has helped you find you and being your self, that’s really cool and I admire your way of exploring others to lead you to your self.

        Worms are fascinating- some are benign (earth worms) and others are parasitic (tape worms). Kind of like humans…hmmm.


        • If you think about your caring and why others may find it uncomfortable that you care about them…

          You work in a profession which requires that you care for strangers. You don’t have to like them, or love them, but you are expected to care for them and their well-being.

          But how much are you expected to care? How deeply are you supposed to care for them? Can that kind of care be regulated – can you switch it on or off?

          They may come to you for your caring because…?

          They perhaps haven’t been taking good care of themselves. So your caring for them may hit them in the ‘why don’t you care for yourself’ soft spot.

          Your taking care of them may make them painfully aware of how little they care for themselves – that can surprise us even if we’re aware that we’re not doing as much caring for ourselves as we’re told we should, and perhaps feel we should.

          or it may remind them about how much they wish someone would care for them the way that you, a stranger, do.

          It might trigger uncomfortable memories of not being loved by a parent, a friend, a lover, a spouse, a child…

          “Why does she care… when those who are supposed to care for me (including myself) don’t?”

          “Why does she care… she doesn’t know me… if she knew me, would she still care?”

          “Why does she care… because I pay her to care?”

          “Why does she care… what does she really care about?”

          For you the answer is always – you care because you do, that is you – a caring soul who may sometimes wish you could turn it off like a tap, but you know you’d be the kind of tap that still cared even when you’re turned off.

          Don’t change who you are, but do learn to see all the seasons which change how you see who you are – are you paranoid? No, but sometimes you’ll have a seasonal paranoia… it has its reasons for being in season. And do look at yourself from the seasonal changes of others, because although sometimes it won’t be as picturesque as it really is, you’ll catch glimpses of yourself beyond your own eyes which will inform your own eyes. But ultimately, see yourself from within… because you care about how you care 🙂


          • Thanks for you fun response! We live in a world where people don’t care. So I’ve realized my caring can be viewed from different angles depending on who is on the receiving end of it. Like you mentioned above in your examples. Those angles I can’t control but I can control how I express myself. The more paranoid I am, the more I control my self expression-which annoys the stubborn side of my personality to no avail.

            My ex friend said to me, “you actually do care” in one of our last interactions before I went NC. I think this has stuck with me. She saw me as a fraud- since she is one and the result of her being unable to care for herself which she is incapable of doing (like you said, “why does she care…when those who are supposed to care for me (including myself) don’t”). But I’m not a fraud but it made me go there- in my head and really look at myself and my own intentions/motives with others. In my job I care because it’s my job and also because when people know you care they heal quicker…which is why I do what I do-to make people better faster. I can turn it on and off at work very easily. But I am a tap like you said- even when I’m turned off I have a hard time shutting down completely especially with people who are dependent on me (like my kids!). My friend was like a kid- she was one of my kids. A warped kid that pretended to be like an adult and could play that card well but in the end she was a kid. Wow! I just had a aha moment, just typing that out. I am not susceptible to caring too much about everyone but I am with my kids. In a way maybe that protects me- as I sometimes am paranoid that the disordered will continue to find me attractive. But I think I now know why I was overly caring with my friend since I feel like I have good boundaries etc I am caring but not naive. I think at first I thought maybe I was just that- but as time has gone on, I know I’m not. Thanks…that was weird. Just got to type this shit out 🙂

            So why do I care about you? Because I do. I do because you deserve it…you deserve to feel love and gentleness. You deserve every compliment I & others give. You deserve to feel the warmth of someone telling you something nice, with no strings attached. And I think maybe you think you sometimes deserve it but maybe you don’t- either way- it’s all good. Take care ❤


            • Thank you 🙂

              Writing things out is a great way to figure things out, especially when you allow yourself to flow as then the voices within come together. When you write you also read, and so it engages more of your attention on what you’re saying. We’re all far wiser than we know, especially about ourselves 🙂


  3. Whys inform us of meaning and purpose. “Why” probably is the forbidden question to ask any inflexible being; it will rattle them, as answering for real would imply showing their not knowing/not caring/caring too much. The whats are by their nature flat, they describe what is, dogmatic. And anyone convincing enough on the whats but uncertain of the whys won´t have much responsibility skills once the whats effect their consequences. Questioning is usually uncomfortable by inflexible/safe standards. Being curious about my whys and other ppls´ has done a lot for my understanding of things. But helas, being a soul p.i. isn´t easy! I know if i didn´t care so much about the whys(or knew about them), i could live happy and oblivious.

    Trying to understand and adjust to the body of whys keeps one informed and from there, accountable.

    I feel gratitude for your reply during my tempest. I hesitated several times(in saying smthg, expressing my gratitude), because precisely i wanted to feel i had smthg to give you. So i held off saying smthg. Things haven´t been going well, but then i exert the only right/choice i have. And if i´m faithful to my inner truths-the live and let live,remember?- then whatever misunderstood reaction by others is not my responsibility, even though i will question myself. Continuously, it´s an ongoing process which will probably end when i die. Maybe i was hoping i´d be in my in a great phase and then come here and shower you with my joy…but you know what?

    On that day,i felt too empty to give you a propper hug, to give you something. Hence i didn´t reply. It took the strength of giving credit to my knowledge, vs showing you i was there and i was present “socially”. So i didn´t reply on purpose, though i was present. I do a lot of things like that. It´s as if by letting things unfold i get to see better,mine and others` expectations/motivations…like a race seen in slow motion. Not reacting immediately shows me things. I sometimes know what´s expected of me, but bc i “see” better then i feel the responsibility to “do” better. The more meaningful you become, the more erratic you may seem to others. It´s inevitable.(Even when you´re willing to explain yourself!)

    I´m sending a long,steady heart hug- i am a tree,after all 😉 – and many chirruping kisses on your forehead :* :* :*….(a funny image just crossed my mind, a bear being hugged by a tree! Beautiful, i´m going to think of this that way, it´s lovely visually and true in my meaning ;))

    Take care, Ursula! Feel free to scratch your back when those pesky bugs bother you,lol :*



    • Sometimes a reply is silent, within that silence is a world of expression which says more than we ever can say or hear 🙂

      Love the image of a bear being hugged by a tree!

      I like to see things in a topsy turvy way because sometimes that’s exactly as they are, but because we’re told that’s not as they should be we may try to make them make sense in a way which makes them not make sense at all.

      I’ve often found myself suspended in what felt like infinite empty. Unable to do what I thought was expected. Void within voids everything outside. We sometimes think we should fill it… but maybe we shouldn’t. As uncomfortable as it can be, in those empty times, if we can live through them, we find what has been lacking through all those full of stuff times. But it takes getting used to because that empty is something we’ve been conditioned to fear and fill because of fear.

      Others will always see you as erratic because:

      a) that’s what they’re looking for

      b) they’re not you (and they may look erratic to you too but to themselves they seem stable, even if they experience themselves as constantly fluctuating – that’s a kind of stability)

      c) they’re looking at the movement trail rather than what is moving

      You are in a great phase – it’s just not the great phase you had in mind when you said the words. You’re in that great phase when everything falls apart and because it falls apart it also comes together in pieces and allows you to form a new image, a mosaic, out of those pieces.

      Sometimes we need to fall apart to reform ourselves, especially if our previous form was formed mostly by others trying to get us to fit into their version of reality. We helped them do it because they seemed like they knew what they were doing, but then we realised they did not know what they were doing and… we fell apart. Now… later… we reform according to our own inner vision, following rules of our own, to the beat of an inner drum whose sound we have heard all along but were told not to trust… trusting it comes from not having any other sound to guide us in our dance of life.

      I came across a Zen-ish quote the other day which had been punctuated in a manner that it read slightly differently from how it would normally be read and… after battling with that annoying pedant within that was trying to punctuate it properly and telling that pedant to shut up because something new was trying to get through, I suddenly saw an old quote in an entirely different light… and it suddenly made more sense than it ever had before.

      What you think you become
      What you feel you attract
      What you imagine you create

      That, read without punctuating it as it would usually be done… something old becomes something new 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Great comments! 🙂

    I wanted telekinetic powers when I was a child, as well. It was such a fun fantasy. There was a time when I used to put myself to sleep with it and then dream that I could fly like Peter Pan. 🙂

    The “why” is a basic human need, it seems. At least, asking the question. When the answer or explanation isn’t what we want to hear, we can blank off somewhere pretty quickly. We may want to question everything, but answers, well, with that many of us are not so good.

    Great post. 🙂


    • Thank you 🙂

      I think that’s why I enjoy playing video games… I get to have powers there, ridiculous ones which are fun, and it means I don’t mind being practical and powerless (of the magic sort) in the RL so much.

      Sometimes waiting after asking a question without rushing to answer it brings the answer with it – one which may surprise and not always in a bad way 😉


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