I was so convinced that today was Saturday that even all evidence proving it was Sunday seemed wrong…
(I’ve screwed myself over this weekend…)
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At some point in your life, maybe from the very early stages of it, you’ll have a common experience which all human beings encounter, and may encounter often throughout life…
You’ll get accused of being or doing something which your accuser is being and doing.
Your accuser may be aware of what they’re being and doing, meaning they know they’re accusing you of being someone you are not and doing something you didn’t do, and that they are the real culprit…
but they may not be aware of what’s going on, they may genuinely believe their own hype… in spite of the mounting mountain of evidence against their version of events. They are thoroughly deluded and it suits them in all the variations of that theme.
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If you have a clear conscience and view of yourself, and are 100% certain that you were not being and doing what you were accused of being and doing,
(perhaps you should patent, bottle and sell that formula because so many humans would cut off their arms and legs, pay a high price, to get some of that)
this accusation will strike you as odd and will make you look at the accuser in a manner which says – before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
Of course you probably know that your accuser isn’t going to do that due to the fact that they’re accusing you of who and what they’re being and doing. They’re a serial projector, displacer, rejecter… hypocrite. They’re white as the driven snow and everyone else is painted black to make their white look whiter than white – that white is blinding!
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And if they can’t see you clearly, see that you are not being who they have accused you of being and are not doing what they have accused you of doing… they’re never going to because they can’t for whatever personal reason they have for being and doing who they’re being and what they’re doing.
You’re a blank screen for their cinema (lacking) verite.
You’re a mirror wherein they get to see their ugly and decide it doesn’t belong to them, but if they see a beautiful reflection… that totally belongs to them, even if it doesn’t and belongs to you alone.
They have their reasons for accusing you, those go deep… it may not be the kind of deep which is spiritual, but who said all things deep needed to be spiritual?
There’s an anecdote which I like to share (anecdotes can be boring, perhaps this one is, but it’s one of those that broke open a suffocating eggshell for me) about being at a New Age seminar, and watching one of the enlightened gurus of that particular workshop have a very unspiritual moment behind the scenes. They had a tantrum about something that an enlightened person wouldn’t bother about – according to their I’m-an-enlightened-person teachings. They decimated their assistant… and their assistant put up with it. This enlightened spiritual guru would have lambasted anyone else for the very thing that they did, they did in such a way that you knew they did this all the effing time and thought it was okay for them to do it (just not okay if anyone else did it) because they were… an enlightened spiritual guru and that shit is stressful!
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The way that the assistant reacted to being accused of being and doing what… was all in the mind of their accuser… reminded me of how I behaved with my narcissistic parents when in the same position. If you’ve been through the rigmarole more than thrice, the third time is the charm which lets you know that the normal way of dealing with someone hurling an unjust accusation at you, again and again without them ever changing their routine – it’s your fault, blah, blah, blah – isn’t going to work… ever.
Refuting and refusing their accusation only seems to empower them and disempower you… so, eff it, I’ll plead Mea Culpa and skip the long tedious part where they lecture me about how every fault and flaw in their universe is caused by my existence.
My relationship with your father was perfect until you came along – my mother would tell me. She would also tell me that – I had you to save the failing relationship I had with your father (but you failed to live up to my miracle cure expectations for you). You were conceived as a means to stop us from being selfish – that magical solution worked… not!
Which version of my birth is true? Neither and both – where narcissists are concerned, everything is both true and false. It depends on the moment and whatever they’re building in that moment. What they’re building is a house of cards – they use glue to keep the cards together, stacked impossibly high (but they bought cheap glue because they would never be stupid enough to buy glue that was more expensive and actually glued stuff).
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Usually when we’re accused of being and/or doing who we are not and what we have not, our natural proclivity is to defend ourselves. To attack the attack with an – I’m innocent – line of defense. This rarely if ever works if you’re dealing with a narcissist (they’re more stubborn about your guilt than you will ever be about your innocence), and usually only causes the accuser to be more convinced that you’re guilty.
Prisons are full of innocent people, right?
And if you don’t have a clear conscience (not necessarily because you did anything wrong, perhaps because you did do a little wrong or maybe you feel guilty all the time just for being and doing anything…) because your view of yourself is blurry, the boundaries aren’t defined enough (in this particular scenario, or maybe in all scenarios), not yet anyway, you’re still figuring yourself out (and it’s taking longer than you hoped it would) or you’re open to variables and that openness (is a wonderful ability to have) is causing problems… then you’re screwed when it comes to being accused by a narcissist of being a narcissist, because you’ll pause to wonder and during that pause they’ve moved all the furniture in the room you’re in, and now it’s a jail cell.
During that infinitesimal pause you took to self-reflect after an accusation, as any normal non-narcissist human would do, wondering if perhaps you were being a bit narcissistic…
The narcissist has taken your pause to be confirmation of their delusion. If you hadn’t paused… that would still work as confirmation for their delusion. You can’t win this battle because you have no say in it, it’s all going on in the ‘special’ mind of the narcissist.
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If a narcissist accuses you of being a narcissist:
- This is normal for narcissists. They’re always a quick draw McGraw when it comes to applying labels to people. One minute you’re labeled as a hero and before your eyes naturally blink you’re a villain. Either way they’re convinced of the truth of their accusation – and being told you’re a hero by a narcissist is an accusation (they hate you for it with the same intensity they love you for it – love/hate is the same thing for them, hate is actually a little bit more important – if they hate you they love you all the more). If you think that them thinking you’re a villain is bad… remember what a burden being a hero for them was. Sure it felt awesome being considered a hero, how special you felt… but how many times can you save them from themselves before they prove that you’ll eventually fail and fail and fail… some hero you turned out to be!
- This might not be as bad as it seems. You’ve actually got more power for a narcissist if they see you as a villain. If a narcissist is scared of you, that’s a good thing even if for you anyone being scared of you makes you very uncomfortable.
- Don’t try to reason with them using logic. Your logic is illogical to them, and they’ll back that up with ‘science’ – narcissists love science… fiction. Arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with quicksand once you’re in it and sinking.
- They’ve done more research online than you have on Narcissists, they have the same access which you have to the same info but they’re more greedy about it. They’re more obsessed with narcissists than you ever will be. And the way they do the same research you do is not in the same manner – for them everything they read is a weapon against others. They’re the only non-narcissist in a world full of narcissists, and they’ve got so much ‘proof’ that it’ll tie you up in knots trying to point out that their proof is flawed… if they think you think they’re a narcissist… they might think that’s a good thing as you’ll be as obsessed with them as they are (and will be so obsessed with them you’ll ignore yourself – result!)
- If a narcissist accuses you of being a narcissist – they’re giving you a loophole through which you can escape their sticky clutches. Question is – Do you want to escape them more than you want to prove who you are not?
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Awhile back (yes, another anecdote) I had someone comment on my blog to the point where my blog stats rated them as a top commentor.
They first commented to share their story because I’d shared my story, as many people do. Someone opens a door for us… we step inside.
Their story was extremely dramatic, more than mine which really isn’t that dramatic (in spite of my parents view of it, and how I sometimes feel about it). They had grown up in an abusive family, but that was just a tangent to their main story. They were in a relationship with someone they had identified as a narcissist, not just an ordinary narcissist but a malignant one. The relationship was abusive, but they stressed how subtle the abuse was – they saw it but no one else could see it, and they had to put up with it because… lots of reasons.
That’s a common experience where narcissistic abuse is concerned (a narcissist would know this).
This abuser was a Machiavelli (more than Machiavelli was), and they were terrified both by their attraction to this persona and their repulsion. They were caught in an impossible situation and screamed for help (a bit like Penelope Pitstop).
We discussed this story over the course of many comments, and they received support from me (as best as I can do that sort of thing without wondering if I’m being had by a covert narcissist – are you my mother?, and also I suck at sympathy. Empathy I can do but it’s not always what people expect of empathy) and other commentors (who did it much better than I did).
This person had our attention.
Then they disappeared for a time.
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When they came back their story had changed – their abuser was… no longer an abuser but the only person who understood them, and they had a very special relationship with them which was far better than their relationship with others.
My alarm bells had been ringing long before this moment. There were quite a few anomalies… things said which struck me as being the sort of thing a narcissist would say which a non-narcissist would never say…
(they kept asking about my blog stats and seemed more interested in them than I was, and kept referring to their comments as blog posts inferring that they were blogging on my blog – I had a case of narcissistic hackles rising about that, which often happens to me when in the presence of a narcissist, but maybe that was just me being a bit possessive – this is mine, MINE, MINE!!!!… wasn’t it?
Old issues being triggered… my mother was always appropriating my stuff as hers, and I really haven’t gotten over that kind of invasion. She once shared her new passion – poetry – with me. She hated poetry but suddenly she was writing it. Her poems were basically rewritten versions of the poems I’d written which I’d stupidly shared with her).
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But… you never know, especially online.
It was actually while observing this commentor’s interaction with another commentor that… the alarm bells became clearer and the red flags showed their colour.
It was in a simple question asked by one and ignored by the other that the sound and colour was clearest.
A narcissist often gets exposed by their inability to deal with the simplest of things.
The question – Why? Why are you doing this or that?
Non-narcissists have no problem with this, and may even welcome a why even if it pokes… in fact they may long for those moments which provoke self-reflection.
Narcissists will react as though they’re a boil which you’ve lanced when you ask them to self-reflect. The puss which spews out… isn’t self-reflective.
They crave complications, and run like a vampire from garlic (in a schlocky horror film) if you ask them for a simple answer to a simple question about themselves.
But I still deliberated. It’s not easy to decide that someone you know (especially casually… so you don’t really know them) is a narcissist. It’s one of the hardest conclusions you may come to in the relationship arena.
But for narcissists… accusing someone else of being a narcissist is a piece of piss. Let the witch hunt games begin!
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I was struck recently while indulging in a bit of celebrity gossip by what Jennifer Garner said about Ben Affleck – she said that she didn’t want anyone hating him on her behalf, as she didn’t need that kind of support, and she didn’t hate him, in fact she admires him, just not all of him. He made some very human mistakes, but how they affect his relationship with her is no one’s business but her own. She didn’t want help dealing with it.
In a world where we can use social media to wage our wars and find allies to help us attack someone… it’s really refreshing to hear someone say – this war, if it is one at all, is private. I’ll deal with this on my own, thank you.
If a narcissist (and you’re certain this person is one) has accused you of being a narcissist (and you’re certain you’re not one)…
Stop before you react.
Pause for thought.
Self-reflect.
Is this a battle worth fighting,
or are you actually better off stepping out of it, even it it means accepting an accusation by tacit consent, shrugging off the accusation, and letting them live in their folly without you participating in it?
Do you need to fight this battle for yourself or are you just fighting it out of reactionary habit. They started it and so you’ll fight… but you have no real sense of commitment to it, not like they do.
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Of course, where narcissists are concerned, nothing is ever simple…
and once they start something they never back down, unless they disappear (that’s their version of backing down, but they still claim a win from doing it).
Chances are if they accuse you of being or doing something, of being a narcissist and doing narcissist stuff…
They will recruit others to help them confirm this accusation.
That’s where they really get us and where we lose all sense of perspective.
Even intelligent empathy flies out the window as we find ourselves unable to understand why others would allow themselves to get caught up in the delusions of a narcissist…
Yeah, yeah, yeah… we got caught up in their delusions, we may have even witch-hunted the people they told us had hurt them, we may even have believed that everyone except them was a narcissist (and of course we were also an exception at the time while we were in their you’re a hero special forces…)
Karma… sucks!
Especially karma of the narcissistic kind.
But you will survive this and come out stronger, wiser… and with more empathy for the plight of being human.
Real empathy requires self-compassion…others eff up, you understand this, you eff up like others do, you understand this.
If a narcissist accuses you of being a narcissist…
Time to go within and sort things out there, forget trying to sort them out elsewhere…. especially on the territory which the narcissist inhabits. They didn’t accuse you of being a narcissist after a long, hard, troublesome ride through the land of decisions thought out at length. They didn’t quiver at their accusation… they didn’t wish they weren’t making it.
They now have a whole new drama and identity because of it – this shit is awesome!
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If you think your accuser should take a look at themselves before accusing you – remember you’re an accuser too, even if yours is justified.
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I’m a do me, you do you…
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An Upturned Soul 
“Feeling guilty all the time just for being and doing.” Oh my. You hit me where I live with just those few words. That describes my childhood. I never understood or knew what I was doing/being that was so very, very wrong. I existed with a lot of shame and guilt sitting on my head, and my exposure to R Catholicism didn’t help. Once my ex-narcissist started relating to me in the same way, it was just a matter of time before I gave him up. At the time, I didn’t know that my mother had been a narcissist, and I didn’t know that I was married to a narcissist. I just knew that I couldn’t live like that, again. I had good friends and a good therapist who helped with that, who really in many ways saved me.
This post has really affected me – made me think (as you usually do, just mors this time). Thank you for sharing what you know. 🙂
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Those few words describe where I live too. It helps to be aware of it because it is a major influence in how we relate to the world, how we treat ourselves and let others treat us. I haven’t found a way to stop myself from feeling guilty for being and doing because it is so ingrained, however it’s no longer the same enemy within that it used to be. It’s actually useful at times because it inspires inner conversations which can lead to insight. It can also alert me to the possibility that someone I am with may be narcissistic to a degree which is not healthy.
It’s strange how so many of the things which we consider to be negative can have a positive application. 🙂
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That’s some seriously facked up shite what your mother told you. I’m sure that was just a tidbit but it stuck me hard to read. I’m sorry, are the only words I can muster in response.
I was constantly accused of cheating, lying, and never a narcissist, but for being a sociopath once. It didn’t bother me because I know I’m not those things so I felt no need to defend myself, except for the sociopath part to where I self-reflected and discussed it with my therapist at the time. What messed with my head was, I never suspected her of these things, because how could someone be exactly what they’re accusing you of!!?? Maybe I’m just naive, but it worked to this extent.
It’s all about projection for these feckers. I wonder if they believe their own crap. I wonder if they believe everyone else does whatever, because they do, but it’s still somehow okay for them. Actually, I don’t give a shite anymore! My mind has spent enough time trying to figure out a narc’s brain.
Thank you for sharing. I love the picture quote, “I got your back” btw.. Totally explains exactly what was happening, lol! 🙂
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Not giving a shite anymore is a healthy sign, it means your attention is shifting away from the narcissist and back onto you, so now you can focus on what you need for yourself rather than spending your energy trying to figure out wtf is going on with the narcissist.
One of the best days of my life was when I realised just how bored I was of my mother and her antics. I no longer cared one way or another about her, her endless drama, and I definitely was not interested in whether she loved me or not, or any of the other stuff with which we torture ourselves when we care about a narcissist.
Writing about narcissists and my experiences with them is something I do for myself, it’s helped me be less stuck, more detached, and to figure my story out. I see the past now more like a puzzle to solve, and I love solving puzzles. Each element of it which I solve for myself shifts how I experience the now.
My mother was and is a tortured soul who passed and passes her pain onto others. She’s still doing it, and will keep doing it because that’s the path of a narcissist. She can’t see what she’s doing, that the nightmare she blames on others is all hers.
The upside of growing up with that kind of parent is that at some point, if you’re willing to do the work, you’ll stop caring so much about the way things were then, and focus more on the way things are now and what you can change. 🙂
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This is a reminder to yourself. Love you. ❤
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Thank you 🙂
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Mazie will always remind me of you.
Thank you so much for being a part of my journey. Your new one is just beginning so enjoy it!
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Ha! Thank you 🙂
Your new one is also beginning, so be sure to enjoy it when it offers enjoyment, don’t worry too much when it’s hard, the bad bits make the good bits better.
In some ways we’re always experiencing ends and beginnings, and chances to see something new in the old and something old in the new.
I’ve been really enjoying watching a TV series called iZombie, usually I’m not a fan of the zombie genre but this has a nice twist and it’s got some great characters, as well as some intriguing ideas which can give perspective on life as we know it.
Take care, fellow traveler!
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Wow Ursala. I do remember that commentor.
Odd
So many things you said struck a chord. Not only did my mother ‘appropriate’ — I had the sad experience of hearing Ideas, stories, anecdotes that were things that happened in my life to me — told to me by other people saying oh I heard the most interesting thing that happened to your mother She would relayed the story as having happened to her. If I had an achievement at work, it was told as her achievement at work. But she didn’t work
When my sister and I were at least 20 years younger than her, we would look up and find her in the same club we were in — as if there were only one club in a huge metropolitan city.
Her boundary issues didn’t end there. When my same aged make friends starting telling us how ‘that they think your mom sort of came on to them’ the first time you hear a story like that, you think ‘what’s wrong w you? How could u say such a hateful thing ‘. But as you get older and it becomes a verifiable pattern — well it’s more than coincidence or competition. Horrifying.
I too made an error a few years back that (Not just one) but a biz one that involves a commitment I must try to extricate myself from prematurely. And I must go to a little man, a narcissist with hair plugs and ask if I can cut a deal that will enable me to move on with my life in a simpler, way.
It triggers me knowing I will have to listen to him for hours how successful he has been and telling me I shouldn’t have committed to it if I couldn’t fulfil it. How did I know that 3 years later my life would change so drastically that I’d be unable to continue in this for two more ?
I’m at odds whether I should fall on my sword and ask for ‘mercy’ and can we please strike a deal or do the see you in court routine. Ideas? This is business — not love — Penny for your thoughts
Also the Ben and Jen thing. I think she’s just being a smart business woman and saving their collective brand and shared financial holdings Likely she is not permitted to discuss it anyway due to the terms of their decree.
I’m sorry you are still struggling w this
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Years ago I read up on the business practices of Japan. One of the details which stuck with me was about ‘saving face’. There was an article which explained that you must always be aware of the ‘face’ of the other person, and do your best not to make them ‘lose face’. In other words their reputation matters to them, as yours does to you, so in business dealings if you have a problem that needs resolving it is propitious to resolve it in a manner where everyone involved comes out of it with their reputation intact.
What we do in the present affects our future. In business if you annoy someone, make them lose face, they won’t forget and although you may not need this man and his business right now, you might find that sometime in the future you may need him – for instance, you may need a referral from him.
Someone with whom you want to do business with might run a check on you and may decide whether to work with you based on how you have worked with others. If they hear about how you handled your contract with this man and it involves the breaking of a contract in a litigious manner they may see that as something which you might do with them too.
You never know who this man might know, who his contacts are personally and professionally (some business circles are small), and if you make life difficult for him he may make life difficult for you, and he may bear a grudge which affects you not just now but in the future.
This doesn’t mean that you need to grovel or beg for mercy – that’s usually not a good tactic as people don’t like desperate people. You can hold your head high, present your case with quiet confidence, and simply present the facts as they are. Be firm about your stance, but also humble – you do need this man to help you, and do so willingly. You are breaking a contract with him, and it will affect his business as he relied on your contractual commitment. An apology is in order, and that apology might include taking the time to listen to him give you a business lecture and thanking him for his advice on the matter. If you also have to listen to him explain how successful he is… is that really a terrible price to pay to get what you want at the end of the day.
To get you through it you might need to remind yourself of your goal – you want out of the contract with the least possible trouble caused by it so that you can move on and do so quickly.
Also worth doing is to use intelligent empathy – What if you were in his place and someone broke a contract you were relying on them fulfilling with you?
And this is a case of the problem being your fault – it may be due to circumstances which were unforeseeable and beyond your control, but you are still the one breaking a contract and needing the person with whom you’re breaking the contract to accept the situation.
This is not a case of a narcissist accusing you of something you haven’t done. Therefore it is straightforward, even if it has ego-related complications. In this case stroking this man’s ego is a means to an end which you are seeking.
One thing to keep in mind when dealing with scenarios which trigger your PTSD of growing up with narcissists is – don’t let those narcissists from your past and the trauma they’ve gifted you with cause you to scupper your present. This man is not your mother, he is not the narcissists from your past. Don’t live out with him the issues you have with them.
One of the ways that the narcissists in our life screw us over is by getting us to self-destruct. You can own this situation and come away from it with what you want without creating a drama that will ripple and keep rippling. You know that, trust what you know!
Best wishes with whatever you decide to do 🙂
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Yes, maybe I didn’t describe it as well as I could. My issues are health related and I’m trying to minimize the amount of commitments I have. If I don’t heed the writing on the wall, I’ll be no good to anyone. My industry reputation is great but I’m the one starting to suffer bc I’ve held myself to a very tough standard especially when I’ve made commitments
My fear was, in my experience , when you open yourself kindly and candidly to an NPD and say : here’s the deal, would you be willing to work w me on this transition, sort of ‘have a heart here this is beyond my control, that’s the time they feel entitled to be the biggest horror bag and make you feel the worst over things beyond your control. That was my dread w him. As it worker out, I was able to pay him to replace several months of my services and he got to lecture me for an hour Hopefully I’ll be out by August 🙂
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Glad to hear that the situation seems to be working out. You’ve got this!
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Really great post! So do you remember if I interacted with the commentator that you mentioned? I think so 😦 I just threw off my rose colored, save the world glasses and stomped them out, ha ha. I’ve got my tinted black shades on now- I can see so much clearer than 2 years ago. I kind of like my new shades- they have transition lenses in them- if you give off light I can see you very well & all is good but if you give off dark they darken up too and I turn and walk away- I don’t have time for that shit 🙂
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My glasses perform the opposite of transition lenses- they have to be that way to detect the disordered as they live in the world of opposites & contradictions. But of course the disordered are good at pretending to be light- so beware and keep your heart out of it until you get a really close look.
Rambling about glasses is funny and dumb…blah blah
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Thank you 🙂
Don’t give up on your analogy, it’s a good one, it’s still shaping itself in your mind’s eye and breakthroughs in vision often come from allowing ourselves to ramble. It’s basically brainstorming with ourselves, and many good ideas sometimes seem silly once we’ve voiced them – those bits which seem silly to us can be the best bits. Stick with it, see where it goes, see what it tells you about yourself.
Yes, you interacted with this commentor, in fact it was a simple question you asked of them about their username which stuck in my mind and made me pause for a long thought.
Your interactions with them were similar to mine and those of others with them – someone asked for support during a time they told us was frightening for them, and we gave our support. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that, and I don’t think it’s a case of rose-coloured or save the world glasses being worn, it’s a case of being human and caring about others, especially when you’ve been in a similar situation and know how much a helping and supportive hand is worth.
It’s funny how we often feel stupid for having reached out to someone when we find out that they were perhaps taking advantage of a situation. We end up blaming ourselves for them taking advantage of us. We get angry at our trusting nature due to someone else’s actions. Sure we may have been trusting, but 8 times out of 10 being trusting works out, however the 2 times out of 10 that it doesn’t work out tends to sour what is actually a bold and beautiful trait.
You don’t have to throw away the glasses which make the world a beautiful place for you, your generous spirit and caring nature are wonderful traits, and many people will benefit from the way you see them and the world. Most of those people will not take advantage of you, and will return the favour by giving to you because you gave to them, helping you because you helped them. Don’t let the narcissists you bump into ruin the pleasures in life for you – their problem isn’t your problem, but they sure want it to be, they want everyone to see the world in the heavy shades of a permanently dramatic rainstorm that they do.
Be aware, yes, but you don’t have to be afraid. Your heart is strong, let it beat to its own rhythm. 🙂
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Awe thanks 🙂 you always have good advice and I appreciate that-as I tend to be an advice giver in most aspects of my life and am enjoying being on the receiving end of it too. You have a way about you- thank you ❤
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Thank you for this very well written piece. I am in deep reflection of my errors where I’ve been judging my ex and accusing them of the very thing they have accused me of. I’ve been sitting in such a need for fairness and juctice based on my story and being publicly accused and smeared in all areas of my life. I’ve had such a need for getting back some control ( all in my head, I’m pleased that I never publicly responded and went completely quiet). In saying that I have been speaking a lot to friends wanting validation. This piece of writing has been helpful and a good reminder to stop it and deal with me. Thank you again for sharing your wisdom and stories.
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Thank you very much for sharing 🙂
Going by what you’ve said it sounds like you have a type of control which is vital to personal power and that is ‘self control’ and you’ve maintained it even when going through what has been an extremely harrowing time.
Be gentle with yourself, give yourself kudos for keeping your head when you could have lost it, and take good care of yourself!
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Well, I can’t express how much I needed to read this right now. I’m out of a ‘relationship’ with one of those funny creatures and still licking my wounds months after. It was the third one in my life and this time I thought I was near dead afterwards. The lucky charm..exactly that. I didn’t realize with my previous relationships what and who I was dealing with. It’s only this last one that illuminated everything for me. It ended violently, I got attacked, beaten up and was promised my life would be ruined if I ever got any help. I did get help and my life got ruined. Probably didn’t help that this fella was buddies with my other ex who started the whole hell for me in the first place. It was years that he was smearing me and painting as evil. To be honest, I don’t know how I’m still breathing. I remember when my that relationship with a narcissist ended (it was brutal, he dropped like a bag of shit) I actually tried to fight him. I was arguing, defending myself, trying to confront him, explaining to other people that I’m not all this that he was trying to make me be. It’s only afterwards that I realized how much fuel I was giving him as a result. It’s still so painful, so many years after. I’m quite a feisty person by nature (or maybe was) so it was really, really hurtful and difficult for me to accept what he was doing and just let it go. Wish I’d known then that I’d never win this fight. It only made everything worse. What I found surprising though, in the whole course of action, is how much other people believe all that bullshit narcissists spread about their victims. It’s as if they’re blind and can’t see for themselves, I had that in my head so often. I know that we all do it to a certain degree but still..In my case it was so extreme sometimes, like from one day to another people would change their opinion about me, it was unbelievable. In the end I had to move, leave my home behind, my friends, my dignity..My heart is still so broken. And on top of that I felt so ashamed..I always considered myself a strong person, but I’m an empath as well, an ambitious one lol and I think that’s what got me lost. I’m trying to heal, although so often I’m still ruminating and looking for a reason, some answers, I don’t know. I feel like a fool. Thanks for this writing. It made me chuckle at points (though there’s nothing to laugh about really) so maybe I’m not as bad yet as I tend to think. Hope you heal, hope I heal, all of us…
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
If you’re an empath, then it might help you to explore how to work with the abilities which come with it (which works well with an ‘ambitious’ empath) – you can use your empath skills for both good and/or bad. Being an empath means you can influence others (including narcissists) as well as be influenced by others.
Here are links to two articles about two ways an empath can use their ability, from a blog which focuses on the empath way:
– https://empathicperspectives.wordpress.com/2011/02/10/the-abusive-empath/
– http://empathicperspectives.blogspot.co.uk/2010/11/abused-empath.html
Boundaries (either way) are vital to learn – especially when it come to dealing with narcissists who don’t have boundaries and don’t respect or notice them (unless they’re a challenge to be overcome) in others.
You need to learn to be a bit more ruthless, selfish, and selective – all of which can feel like you’re being a bad person when you’re an Empath, but you have to take care of yourself first before you take care of others because if you’re not okay, then nothing and no one is going to feel okay.
Those people who change their opinion about you based on what your ex-narcissists are telling them – they’re leaves blowing in the wind kind of people and they’ll never have your back even when they think well of you, they’re not the sort of people who bother to get to know you, really know who you are as an individual, and accept you as you are, understand you and feel for and with you. The go with whichever the way the wind is blowing and who they think is in ‘power’, has social status, will tell them what they want to hear – and if salacious gossip is what they want to hear then they’ll always listen to a narcissist rather than to the victim of a narcissist.
This is worth a read since you’ve been on the deep and dark end of narcissistic abuse – http://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that/
This is also worth a read, it’s a dark humor kind of post (humour is actually very useful when dealing with narcissists… it’s got me through a lot of stuff) which also speaks a lot of blunt truth about narcissists – https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/4963/8-things-narcissist-cannot-do-for-you-or-anyone-else/
Your exes who are narcissists will never feel or think that they’re in the wrong, not for what they did to you while you were together and not for the smear campaign they create about you now you’re no longer together… in some ways you could see the effort they put into smearing your reputation as showing that you’re the one with the real power in the scenario, but that’s not much of a consolation even though it is useful to know.
Focus on yourself, on what you need to heal, be gentle with yourself, if you miss your ex even though you were almost killed… cut yourself slack, the way to win the fight is by making friends with yourself, including the inner conflicts, paradoxes, and inner turmoil. You’re not a fool even though you feel like one – feeling like a fool is a very normal and natural human experience, which is amplified when a narcissist is involved. You’re a great human being who has made some mistakes, who is messy, real, alive, and who hurts, feels intensely, takes time to heal when in pain. Be good to yourself, you’re stronger than you know and you already know you’re strong!
Best wishes!
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Thanks for this post. I’m struggling to understand why someone I love hurts me so much. This word narcissist came from her mouth and I was gobsmacked. If what I see here is parallel – I’m in for a meat grinder. Along with our two teens entering adulthood.
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
The most common reason for why someone hurts others is because they themselves are hurting and their pain is causing them to lash out. This tends to be the case with narcissists, the wound which is hurting them and causing them to hurt others is old and goes way back usually to their childhood. No amount of loving them will stop them from hurting you because it is not about you even if they make it seem like it is. They have justifications for what they do to you, and often they view what they do as tit-for-tat for what you did to them, you hurt them first, you aren’t being sensitive enough, you don’t care or love them enough, etc.
If she is a narcissist then you have already been through the meat grinder, as narcissists are consistent in their narcissistic behaviour, and it will be more of the same, although since she’s accused you of being a narcissist whatever is bothering her has become more pronounced, and there may be fewer ‘nice’ periods between the nasty.
This is an informative article (and comments) about female narcissists – https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/
If she isn’t a narcissist, her accusation may have come from being influenced by reading articles online about problems in relationships. ‘Narcissist’ is a popular and trending accusation. This article discusses the trend of using the term, and gives information about narcissism, and about the different types of narcissist – https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201609/meet-the-real-narcissists-theyre-not-what-you-think
When dealing with a narcissist the most important thing you can do for yourself is to not get sucked into their version of reality, their drama, and to maintain a level head, and a certain detachment – this can be difficult to do at first and requires practice, but since narcissists tend to go around in a circle with their stories and behaviour they give you plenty of opportunity to do so.
Best wishes, take good care of yourself!
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