Who is Your Personal Rain Cloud?

Flooded road

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“All he knew was that his working days were miserable and he had a succession of lousy holidays. All the clouds knew was that they loved him and wanted to be near him, to cherish him, and to water him.”
― Douglas Adams

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My apologies to all those drivers who had to navigate these traffic cones (above pic) today, and slow down where you would usually be able to pretend to be a formula one driver going at mach speed while negotiating a tricky chicane, along the stretch of road which borders my house.

Those traffic cones are due to me (who knew I could have this kind of power… I wish I was inventive enough, less lazy, and less concerned about my impact on others than I am, to figure out how to misuse and abuse it). I invited the local Water Company to install a meter for my house… (this is probably a stupid idea, but apparently I can be this stupid and cancel it out later on and not pay for it…) and they did it on the rainiest day of the year so far.

If it makes you feel any better, this day of heavy rain made my hallway look like a scene from a quirky film where people put down an assortment of pots and pans to collect rainwater which is dripping through a leaky roof…

How Boho!

(if you’ve read those posts where I mentioned having to make a hole in the ceiling because of water-damage caused by an overflowing toilet… I blamed the toilet for something that was not actually its fault. Apparently it’s actually the roof that isn’t being a particularly good roof, and the overflowing toilet helped to alert me to this far more pressing problem – it’s not just a random gush which is now fixed, it’s a regular water feature which still needs fixing even though Feng Shui encourages water features in such places for auspicious good fortune reasons).

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“’It’s good Feng Shui.’
‘What’s that?’
‘It’s Chinese for throwing out your crap.’”
― Mike Bennett

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Who is to blame for this leak?

Well, it’s not the previous owner from whom I bought the house because they bought this place before me after the roof had been replaced, and then they painted the ceiling with the kind of paint which hides this sort of problem as it creates a plastic barrier (don’t worry, mate, the paint says, I’ll stop you from dealing with what lies behind the facade, I’ll keep it all pretty and prim for you…).

Is it the fault of the previous-previous owner? They fixed the roof… that is impressive because frankly no one likes doing this kind of job unless they do it for a living (and even then… you need to have a head for heights and for complications).

I wouldn’t have bought this place no matter how perfect it was in every other way if the roof needed fixing. The rest of the roof is fine (I checked it and so did the surveyor… but the surveyor did point out that there was a small area which hadn’t been finished, and that’s the area which has the problem – and it will be fixed when it is finished. Someone ran out of steam… of materials… and probably funds… and now someone else has to turn rainwater into steam to stop the stream).

Whenever I come across problems along these lines I tend to wonder if they have parallels with the more abstract.

This tendency began long ago when I read that household leaks represent repressed emotions leaking out in our other household, what you have been ignoring comes out in ways which you cann’t ignore so easily. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? I do like me a bit of sounding stupid!

There be clouds in our lives…in our inner sky…

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Clouds

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“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
― Rabindranath Tagore

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we can almost all relate to that.

We can almost all see parallels between things outside and things within…

between things that happen in our daily experience of being daily human beings who can be leaky and messy like the houses we live in, and things that are going on in the poetic strangeness which lies inside, those houses that aren’t houses, that inside which is nowhere and everywhere.

We almost all ask questions along the lines of – Why is this happening to me!?!

Many of us may see that this thing which is happening to me happens to others too, but we may think that, unlike us, those others don’t read any deeper meaning into it.

We tend to think that we are… not as others are even when we are.

Some of us see that this thing which is happening to me is happening for a reason which… we won’t mention to others because they’ll call us stupid for believing that our roof is leaking onto our head because our emotions are leaking into our mind… and our mind is trying to ignore the leak in a way that our head can’t, which is probably what caused the problem in the first place.

I always read a deeper meaning into things like leaky roofs and overflowing toilets because… more often than not… I’ve not been the one with the power to fix it, so… I try to find some way to feel some sort of power in a situation in which I feel powerless.

And… I’m terrified of being bored, seeing connections between random things entertains me, researching stuff (whatever that stuff is – whether it is how to fix your leaky roof or how your leaky roof means your emotions are leaking in your head, and therefore to fix one you must fix the other… and they’re both so hard to fix that you might need to call in a professional… but how do you find one of those who actually is one of those and not someone pretending they are because they look good pretending to be that way) keeps me busy and not bored.

I’ll learn a new language, even if it’s one which doesn’t exist, just to avoid boredom… sometimes our fears aren’t as bad as we think that they are, they give us a motive to go beyond where we might stay if nothing poked or prodded us.

It sometimes also enlightens me in a way which I would not classify as enlightenment of a more conventional kind… but it might light a spark in a damp place.

Thinking this way… may be completely useless and crazy, but it does make me pause for thought before I blame others for being my personal rain cloud, and then lie down in the mud all wet and whimpering because it’s all their fault and I can’t do anything about it.

I’ve done that… no one comes to your rescue. They might give you an umbrella… but that’s of little use once you’re already drenched. No one wants to get their clean suit muddy pulling you out of the mud when they save you, so they don’t save you. But they might throw you a line, as long as pulling you out doesn’t give their soft hands callouses and you don’t try to pull them in instead.

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“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
― Charles Dickens

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When I was younger, I loved getting wet… my favourite game as an only lonely child was to dash through the garden sprinklers in Summer as though facing a fearsome storm… or swim in the rain (unaware of how lightning reacts to you if it hits the pool you’re swimming in).

Then I learned to be scared of the storm, the rain, the clouds and the potential they held to strike you down… the fears of adults always drip, drip, drip until they penetrate the child.

My mother was my personal rain cloud. On any day I was sunny she would bring a storm to bear then hit me with the thunder and lightning of one who expects the sun to keep shining during their worst weather conditions.

My father I often saw as that kind of heavy weather which gives you a headache before it breaks… the wall of grey that accompanies a tropical storm which has just been upgraded into a hurricane.

I once watched Hurricane Andrew draw closer… then it was time to take cover, and hope that your cover was not blown… away. I fell asleep before it hit. Seriously… I can’t believe I slept through that! But rain can make you so very drowsy…

It makes pretty patterns… patterns which lull you to sleep even when your eyes are open.

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Rain

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20 thoughts on “Who is Your Personal Rain Cloud?

  1. I had lots of problems with water when I first moved into a house I bought I few years back. It seemed to be following me everywhere – anything with a spigot was a potential item of terror. Lots of money later, there was still an issue left when I sold the house last July (it was duly disclosed). Maybe someone was trying to tell me something. 🙂

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    1. So far all the problems with this house have led to some wonderful meetings with some amazing people. The roof was fixed yesterday by the most awesome handyman, who was recommended by my next door neighbour who is one of the nicest people in the world (and also an architect). I think this house may actually get the hermit in me to be more social, luckily everyone around here is a hermit like me so its a hermit kind of socialising 😉

      I think the biggest message this house is giving me is that sometimes I have to rely on other people because I really can’t DIY it. That’s a tough challenge for me. I need to learn it though 🙂

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  2. I am writing about clouds too! And you have a talent to seize each glimpse of natural pattern on walls, lawns, sand or whatever and turn it into art.
    Leaking- in a spiritutal reading linked to the chakra system is referred to the 1st one and it reminds you of a leak of money and energy.I have at least two points in the flat like that..To me my rain clouds are represented by the past, as a gloomy, heavy and swollen cloud always ready to burst.
    i agree with you, nobody comes to rescue you, you need to try to sweep them off first by yourself; although i personally find a special benefit in listening to others to focus on them rather than on myself. But i rarely ask for it to others, as each one as personal different reason to do it and sometimes it backlashes at you.

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    1. Clouds are fascinating, they can tell you so much about what is going on up there and down here too. They change how things sound. They alter the light. They can make you feel safe or under threat. They encourage a dream or steal it away.

      I prefer talking with myself when I need to discuss something because I can use shorthand. An entire conversation can be done through an image which says it all. However it can be insightful to share with others as long as you don’t expect them to solve your problems for you, as others may show you something you’ve missed, and they may have an experience of a similar scenario but have dealt with it differently and you get the benefit of their take on it. Even a negative reaction from someone else can be helpful. There have been times when I’ve realised that I’m making a big deal out of a nothing, it’s a relief to see that even if it hurts to let go it because I’ve put so much effort into it 🙂

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  3. That is such a beautiful quote by Charles Darwin. I was just reading on the Pisces Eclipse on Lua Astrology and it spoke about storms breaking open and purification, also about a wave of water. I also would be reading something into this, but it seems spot on for the watery nature of the time. We haven’t had rain for months here. I so miss the rain.

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    1. Even though I’d been reading up on the eclipse and its possible effects, it hadn’t occurred to me to connect the day’s events with it perhaps because ever since I moved into this place there have been issues related to water so this didn’t feel like anything other than a continuation of that story. I know I’ve been putting my feelings on a shelf to deal with later, but later just never seems to come.

      Today is like the opposite of yesterday, there’s a blistering Sun which is drying all the puddles up 🙂

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      1. What occurred to me as I woke up thinking about you and the rain (it rained here last night for the first time in about six weeks) was I wonder how much crying Ursula has done lately. From what I feel about this eclipse its about the backlog of feelings associated with our trauma as apparently Chiron is conjunct the South Node on this eclipse and I guess when the Moon swings around to Virgo it will be on the North Node. There must be something here about containing the wounds of the past after feeling them deeply. (this is actually more in reference to what I’ve been feeling following my surgery.)
        But its interesting this idea of leaks or spilled water or water bubbling up from the drain. There a Pluto feel to this too as the Sun and Moon are aspecting Pluto at this New Moon Eclipse.

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        1. Last time I cried, as in sobbed and released tension while sobbing, was a few years ago. It was an extreme stress-related crying due to a sudden influx of chaos, and it did ease things for about five seconds but it also created added stress. It made me aware that I couldn’t do that kind of thing if I wanted to sort out the issues which provoked that moment.

          I’ve only felt the urge to cry again a couple of times due to unbearable frustration. But there were too many distractions to focus enough to actually cry, and I’d rather sort out what’s frustrating me. Crying might release tension but it doesn’t often sort out the problem out.

          Virgo Moon in 12th conjunct Virgo Asc, with Pluto in Virgo in the 1st… are placements that tend to forgo crying in favour of other methods for dealing with strong emotions and their causes.

          Sometimes I’d like to just cry it out, but I don’t find that easy to do so I go with other ways instead. Especially as with Chiron conjunct NN in the 7th… when I cry it seems to cause the kind of ripple effect in others which isn’t always something I want to deal with. So sometimes I don’t cry because I don’t want to see deal with the ripple effect.

          You’ve given me food for thought. I had already gone there and then left it there. Perhaps I need to revisit it.

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          1. My feeling is this may relate to the Capricorn sun. There are different kinds of crying that I am not subtly eloquent enough to articulate here. There is the crying jag that goes nowhere and leaves you feeling depleted (was it really anger that got converted into tears??)
            Then there is the crying that comes when the boil is lanced and as the defence drops away revealing what hate, anger or hurt had defended against.
            Its all very subtle and each of us is different I guess.
            I find crying in a good way softens me and awakens me to compassion. I remember some words in a Jungian book that it keeps away the predator. The hungry wolf that might eat our heart out if we cant soften into a healing acceptance.

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            1. I agree that softness is a necessary component of the whole. Crying may be one of the ways that softness is achieved, at least for humans, but it’s not the only way and it doesn’t always soften people. Some people seem to become harder of heart when they cry. Some people use crying to soften the hearts of others while theirs remains focused on themselves and unsoftened towards others. Crocodile tears.

              There are just as many negative uses of crying as there are positive ones. Like with everything.

              My mother used to cry at the end of one of her tantrums. She used to say that it was how she let off steam. But she let off steam by screaming and yelling first, the crying just simply signaled that she was almost done and that she was now going to feel very sorry for herself and you had to feel sorry for her too because whatever it was was all your fault and you drove her to frustration and tears. And she hated crying – she hated crying so much that she trained her child never to cry.

              That’s mainly why I don’t cry – training.

              After the crying came the hour long lecture wherein she listed everything that was wrong with you.

              I was not allowed to cry during her tantrums and if I did she’d yell at me to stop it, but she might later list my lack of crying as something that was wrong with me.

              I have been through periods when I cried a lot. They were very dark periods and my crying was mostly intense self-pity and wallowing in it. It wasn’t particularly compassionate or helpful for me or for anyone else. It was one of those going absolutely nowhere by doing that types of crying which you mentioned. If I checked the astro on it I’d probably find a major Saturn transit connected to it. Last time I went through one of those sobbing phases it was during a t-Saturn conjunct natal Moon. It stopped the moment I realised I needed to flip my thinking around. I needed to focus less on what I was lacking and more on what I could give.

              All these mechanisms available to the human system are fascinating to explore 🙂

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              1. Coming out of this it seems for you crying has not one positive result. I don’t totally agree with it all, though I get what you are saying about some forms of crying. I think tears are really important as they help you to touch base with something very soft and real that lies at the heart of human experience.
                I am sure tears can and are used for some kind of manipulative purpose. It seems you had a really bad experience of how tears were used. And its important to hear that you were not allowed to cry.
                All that said I know what you are saying about tears to you representing selfishness and extreme self involvement and intense focus on the glass half empty instead of half full.
                I cry to release sadness not to hold onto it. Often my tears show me I do need to give move. I may have touched base with a source of compassion I could not feel before.
                Having a bit of a reaction to this which means it must have some truth for me. Its very much spoken by a Sun sign Capricorn though.

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                  1. She was a bully, because she had been bullied. She actually saw herself as compassionate and caring, and saw what she did to me as being for my own good because crying made her suffer and she didn’t want me to suffer the way that she had due to crying.

                    It wasn’t intended to be callous or abusive.

                    She simply imposed her view of tears on me, and couldn’t see any other view of it but her own.

                    (Why are you sometimes using one username to comment and sometimes using the other one, it’s a bit confusing)

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                    1. Because following my breast cancer surgery something has happened with my computer that I don’t understand and it leads to one reply coming upu with my emerging gravatar and the next doesn’t recognise me and asks me for my email address. I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t have anyone here that I can ask at the moment.

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                1. It’s interesting that you seem to insist that my experience of crying has to be due to my being a Capricorn Sun. Wouldn’t my Virgo Moon in the 12th house be a more logical choice if one aspect in a whole natal chart which connects in a variety of ways had to be chosen to represent something which can’t really be whittled down to only one thing.

                  The way I express myself tends to reflect my Mercury in Aquarius/Mars in Scorpio in the 3rd. It’s also an INTP thing.

                  I don’t see crying as not having had positive results for me. I don’t see crying as being the only way to connect to compassion or softness. I’ve never seen the Dalai Lama cry and he’s been through some truly harrowing experiences yet is one of the most understanding people (or seems that way from my perspective), especially when it comes to others and to perceiving that we all come at things, at life, and life experience from our own experiential viewpoints.

                  Many of the troubles we have in life occur when we want others to see things exactly as we do and confirm our views for us, when they see things differently it may cause friction and we may try to resolve that using black and white, right and wrong, etc.

                  Crying, being able to do it, means a lot to and for you. What it means to you is a deep river, it’s your deep river.

                  My deep river is something else.

                  Am I not able to appreciate the tears of another because they don’t flow easily for me? Do I see the tears of others as being those of my mother, whose flowing tears meant mine couldn’t flow?

                  My mother needed to control those around her because it’s how she controlled her version of reality. Her relationship with tears before I came along made her not want me to cry.

                  You may want me to cry, and see crying and tears as you do, because of your relationship to tears.

                  We’re all looking for what we see, and when others don’t see what we see it challenges us, sometimes negatively, sometimes positively… both are a part of a whole and are interchangeable.

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                  1. I’m sorry that is how you experienced my reply. Maybe you are right and all that you have said shows I picked up on a very shallow aspect (only one of your chart.)
                    I personally feell you are a much more mature and profoundly deeply introspective person that I am in your capacity to see into the heart of issues.
                    My comment was probably really superficial but I did in fact agree with some of what you wrote, in fact it was probably all true.
                    You have given me a lot to think about.
                    I agree about the Virgo moon though my sister with depression has that opposing her Mercury in Pisces and I often feel deep tears in her she cannot cry and she has told me this on many occasions.
                    I think that having two very strong energies of personals (Ie Sun and Moon) in earth signs makes one more analytical and practical in one’s view on things.
                    This doesn’t mean you or anyone else doesn’t feel really deeply about things they just do it in privacy and don’t share, either because they don’t like to show vulnerability or would rather not show it to others.
                    I am too much of an oversharer with others when it is not always appropriate to do so.
                    Yes, I was challenged by our commets on crying, I said that in one of my comments.
                    I do think seeing a parent use tears and anger so manipulatively and shut you down does have an effect, its not the entire story. I just felt for you as a young child being in the position with your Mother. I felt angry for the lack of empathy and sensitivity shown to you.

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                    1. And it wasn’t my responsibility to feel that way and it came from an incomplete knowledge. It is just that you expose so many painful things that happened to you at times I feel it as a kind of punch in the chest. My messy Neptune aspects are really showing up in my comments which may be once reason I may be better to keep ill considered comments to myself. I am sorry.

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                  2. and I also I should not have said I am sorry that is how you experienced my reply. I actually felt frightened and sad when I read what you wrote. You responded to my reply in a very structured eloquent way.

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                    1. I wonder if the weather, if mother nature, ever regrets its storms, and analyses the past wishing it hadn’t rained when it did, had been a little less windy, should not have flooded that area, etc.

                      A conversation is a free flowing experience. It starts with one person saying something, that something conjures up something else in someone else and they say something, which then provokes or inspires those who heard it to share something, random associations, tangents, projections, connections, and so on are waves in the flow, the energy which pushes forwards. It goes where it goes and maybe we discover something thanks to it.

                      One of the lessons of Neptune is – embrace the mess… to let it go.

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