How to Think like a Narcissist

You’ve just stubbed your toe.

Pain shoots through you making you want to scream.

The doors of hell open and welcome you.

You can’t think, you can only feel this excruciating torture of intense throbbing hurt.


can't escape this feeling

(narcissists think this a lot, this for them makes them special but also increases their sense of being alone in this world)


Someone enters the room, and doesn’t notice your predicament, instead they ask you if you’ve seen their car keys. They babble on about being late for a meeting, it’s so important to them…

For a split second you want to kill them for being such a selfish prick. You’re in agony and instead of giving a shit about you they’re only giving a shit about themselves, their stupid car keys, and the inconsequential important meeting they’re missing.

Maybe you scream at them to go fuck themselves, you don’t give a fuck about them, their idiot car keys and dumb meeting. They can take a cyanide capsule and die for all you care!

The sudden verbal violence aimed at them surprises them. They feel as though you’ve just stabbed them, fatally wounding them, and as far as they are concerned they didn’t do anything to warrant this.

Now they’re hurt too. Now they feel your pain.


how you make others feel

(narcissists are always judging you by how you make them feel – you have immense power over them, their feeling, their thinking… but for you this works the other way around)


But somehow this isn’t satisfying,

in fact it frustrates you more than before because now you have to deal with even more of their shit, their issues and emotional baggage while your anguish claws at you from the inside.

A heavy fury filled with grief, or grief filled with fury, permeates the air like a thick fog.

You can’t deal with this right now!

You limp out of the room in a cloud of black smoke,

leaving the person you verbally stabbed, bleeding and confused,

and bump into someone outside who inadvertently steps on your injured toe.

You howl at them,


affectation multiplied

(a narcissist is trying very hard to not be human, to not be like other humans, they don’t want to be affected by the things which affect us all… they usually end up being more affected by those things than others are)

accuse them of being the biggest asshole in assholedom,

and run away (incredibly nimbly for someone with a damaged toe)

to find solace elsewhere.

You have become painfully aware that you are surrounded by people who only care about themselves,

who pretended to care about you,

but the moment you need them… they’re not there for you.

However there is one person who might not let you down,

who has never failed you,

who has never disappointed you,

that reliable friend whom you know always cares about everyone but themselves.


a real friend

(if you’re there for a narcissist when they need you, they’ll need you more and more because they’re very needy, especially when they’re in pain, and base their friendships on their needs met)


You find them in their kitchen making tea and chicken soup for others.

And you’re relieved that they’re where they always are doing what they always do, you sit down, place your foot on the table for them to see, and tell them all about your pain, and the selfish pricks in your life who didn’t give a shit about you and your pain…

but this time your caring friend makes a mistake,

rather than give you sympathy tea and consoling chicken soup, they tell you about that time their toe turned black and blue, swelled to the size of an eggplant, because they ignored their own pain, didn’t realise that a stubbed toe was a broken one…

How dare they minimise and dismiss your pain like that!

OMG! WTF!?! is wrong with everyone else!?!

You storm out of your disappointing failure of a friend’s kitchen and go into town,

where you plan on finding a bar which serves alcohol all day so you can drink yourself into a coma and then you don’t have to come to grips with how horrible everyone around you is…


Let go of Toxic people

(a motto for narcissists – because their problem is you)


on the bus into town (because you can’t drive with your damaged toe) you sit next to a stranger who…

has such kind eyes,

is such a good listener,

seems to understand you without knowing anything about you and your story,

you could tell them anything and they’d believe it,

they’re totally into your version of events and it feels so good…

to let it all out,

let all your friends have it,

lay into them for being so selfish,

and not come across as a crazy bitch or bastard for doing that,

instead you’re the hero in a world full of villains.


Karen Marie Moning -good,bad,evil

(that person who is always surrounded by villains… they’re so good and yet all they talk about are the bad people in their life and how bad those bad people are… to them, to good old them…)


This stranger soon becomes your best friend in the entire universe,

they are wonderful,


an angel to lift you out of the hell you were in,

they seem to be willing to listen to you as you pour all your pain out,

into them,

and they just absorb it as though they were made for doing such a thing.

You live happily ever after…



(where a narcissist abides… or aims to abide)


The following day…

your toe is fine,

you’ve forgotten what happened yesterday…

you bump into the person who was looking for their car keys,

they seem a bit stand-offish,

what the hell is wrong with them…?

You’d ask them about what’s the matter,

because you’re caring about others and their petty problems that way,

but you have an appointment with your new best friend and can’t dawdle.

On your way out you cross paths with the person who stepped on your stubbed toe,

did you see the look they gave you…

no time to worry about them and their moods…

you’re very empathic and you don’t want to absorb whatever it is that they’re feeling,

you can’t let them bring you down when you feel so up.


your problem or theirs - never good enough

(this is the sort of quote which narcissists like…as it gives them permission to focus on themselves rather than on you… don’t expect them to remember this quote when the tables are turned. Their problems are yours… and your problems are yours too)


As you pop into the local shop to get a random gift for your new friend,

because you’re so generous like that,

you meet your tea and chicken soup pal,

they seem a bit down today…

oh look, there’s an offer on chocolate cake, your new friend loves chocolate, you know that because…

for a moment you glimpse that you know nothing about your new best friend, all you did while you were with them was talk about yourself…

you love chocolate,

so of course they’ll love it and be grateful you thought of them when you present them with such a fine spontaneous act of kindness.

You’re such a great friend to have…

this new friend makes you feel so good about yourself

(unlike sympathy and chicken soup friend… ugh!)

and you’re glad they are your new best friend because they showed you that you’ve been surrounded for far too long by toxic people.


good versus bad

(narcissists really hate it and you for reminding them about those times they weren’t as perfect as they want to be and say they are… so don’t do it if you don’t want to labeled as bad for them)


You looked that up online last night – toxic friends – when you couldn’t sleep,

because your toe still hurt and reminded you of all those who didn’t care enough about you to stop time, pause their lives, and cater to your pain,

you now know all your friends are toxic,


toxic narcissists,

and the best thing for your own good is to cut them out of your life,

go No Contact,

don’t explain it,

move on and heal yourself,

using those methods advised by those experts you discovered in the first page of your search results, who told you they’d healed themselves completely from their relationship with a narcissist in 5 easy steps:

Step 1 – Blame everything on the other person. They’re the problem. Label them as evil (and yourself as good in comparison), and think the world would be a better place if all those evil people would be exterminated (by someone else doing the dirty work – you’re too good to do something like that, but if someone else did it…) but mainly you just want them to change to suit you… that would be better as it would keep your good persona intact.
Step 2 – Don’t self-reflect but call what you do do self-reflection (as only narcissists don’t self-reflect). Real self-reflection can lead to self-questioning which causes self-doubt, and self-doubt is bad for self-esteem. You’re great it’s everyone else who is shit.



(when narcissists take personality tests, their results tend to be the rarest and most sensitive of them all – they see and experience themselves differently from how we see and experience them. They keep trying to save us from being ourselves… because we’re the problem of course!)

Step 3 – Don’t ask yourself if perhaps something you did had anything to do with what happened (see step 2). Just find someone (preferably several someones) who tells you that you did everything right it’s everyone else who did everything wrong. Remove anyone who doesn’t support you and your version of events from your life and awareness (see step 4).
Step 4 – Get rid of all those who question your version of events. Label them as flying monkeys for the evil people in your life. Do not understand how anyone could be or do that but call yourself empathic anyway, and see your empathy as a problem – it gives you too much feels, and those feels feel bad because of others (others don’t feel feels as you do) never due to you.
Step 5 – Find new people to hang out with who bring out the best in you. Have awesome bitching sessions with these new friends about your old friends, all those assholes in your life who made you feel bad about yourself, and come away feeling like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders because… it’s all their fault, not yours and you’ve carried their shit for them for far too long, time to dump that shit and their ass. Eventually get rid of new friends too because they know too much and you’ve dumped stuff you no longer want onto them. They’re like a priest in a confessional… you don’t want to socialise with them.

And don’t forget to judge everyone new (as well as old) using the red flag list.

It’s not narcissistic when you do it… it’s only narcissistic when others do it, and do it to you.



A few weeks later…

You’ve just stubbed your toe.

Pain shoots through you making you want to scream.

The doors of hell open and welcome you.

You can’t think, you can only feel this excruciating torture of intense throbbing hurt.

Someone enters the room…

it’s your new (now not so new) best friend…

they’re going to ask you what’s wrong and you’re going to share your pain with them, which will make you feel so much better…


what just happened!?!

Did they just roll their eyes and suggest that you should have looked where you were going!?!

You really should have noticed that your new best friend was a narcissist because of all the red flags,

but it’s not your fault…

you’re too good,

too kind,

too empathic,

too generous, too caring…

and you let their increasingly annoying traits slide as long as those sort of things didn’t affect you too negatively.


surround sound and imagery

(the formula narcissists use regularly… they want to be you, so they hang with you, they want your life, so they live with you, et peter cetera)


You’ve put up with all their faults and flaws for long enough,

you can’t take it anymore,

so you let them have it,

you tell them about everything that is wrong with them,

they don’t look pleased,

they looked pained,

as though you did something wrong but they’re the ones in the wrong,

and your pain comes before their pleasure.

You learned that from your obsessive research online about how to heal from what other people do to you.


don't worry...

(a narcissist will always worry about what you’re saying behind their back even if they put up a front which says – bye, suckers, I’m better than you!)


You leave the room in a storm of dust kicked up by their drama…

You feel a bit lost,


fear creeps along those pain lines which the stubbed toe made raw and alive with primal thorns in tender flesh.

Suddenly you remember your sympathy tea and chicken soup for the troubled soul friend,

nostalgia warms the belly of your mind…

Why not pay them a visit,

they’ll be glad to see you!



Why, you might ask, would you want to think like a Narcissist?

One possible answer is because if you can understand how a Narcissist’s mind works then you can answer your questions about why your particular Narcissist frustrates you so much.

You’ve tried reviewing the story which has played out in your relationship using your style of thinking and… nothing makes sense.

Why are you doing the same thing over and over expecting different results…?

They’re just like you in so many ways…

because they’re human like you are,

but they can’t handle being human as you do,

so they’re not at all like you in so many ways.

Yet you can’t quite resolve this in a way which allows you to move on from where you are stuck.

Because in some ways you’ve absorbed the narcissist’s wound into yourself, their wound has opened up a wound of your own and you’re experiencing your relationship with them in a way that they experience all relationships.


you can't change someone...

(you don’t see an issue with your actions per se, you think you did everything right or as best as you could do, but the narcissist…you do see an issue with their actions,

and you think that they don’t see what you see and you think that they should,

the fact that they don’t (see things as you see them) bothers you.

They have a similar issue with you,

an issue with you being you, with you not being who they need you to be for them…

you sort of both have the same issue with each other,

albeit not exactly the same,

they think it’s you, you think it’s them)


The bits which are the same can be used to understand the bits which aren’t the same.

To think like a narcissist

(at least the average narcissist… does anyone think they’re dealing with an average narcissist when the narcissist is theirs?)

all you have to do is take what you feel and exaggerate it,

make it more important than you usually do,

switch off your logical reasoning and go whole hog into the illogical and unreasonable…

it’s not as hard as it seems,

just switch off the regular things which inhibit you,

those social mores which stop you from being a selfish prick,

and view yourself as the one person who is not a selfish prick while viewing everyone else as being selfish pricks.



You might have reacted somewhat like this to a stubbed toe,

to pain…

a narcissist is in a permanent state of stubbed toe,

and pain…

You really don’t need anyone else to explain your narcissist,

and your relationship with them,

to you

and for you…

just think about it,

think about it not just from your side of the story,

but from their side of that same story which is totally different from yours

(use that empathy you sometimes are proud of having and at others times hate having,

in its basic form and wear their bare feet which have a stubbed toe…)


torn between

(a narcissist expects a reward for being kind to you… if they don’t get it, you will hear about it in stereo surround sound)


and you’ll soon have the answers to your questions.


  1. Wow, this is a really good/bad story. And that Tobie Keith video was perfect, Haha! Thanks for sharing.


  2. Haha, the stubbed toe! I loved that, for some reason…. 🙂 The constantly stubbed toe… If it is one thing that I will always have a hard time wrapping m head around, it’s that somehow when the narcissist hurt me, it was my own fault (according to him). I know, logically, that he is beyond human reproach, in his mind, but still. It’s just so mind boggling at times. And it is hard to think like a narcissist. For me it is, anyway.. the thinking is just so very different from anyone else I have ever known. I once read some saying somewhere..something about that there wasn’t any point intrying to see inside narcissists’ heads, cause it wouldn’t make sense.. But I think you did a very good job of painting a picture here. 🙂 The basics seem to be this, their needs/their pain, is just so much more important than anyone else’s, and so on. Great post!


    • Thank you 🙂

      It is mind boggling.

      Narcissists don’t use the regular logic which most people use, therefore they come across as illogical. Their minds are wired differently.

      They also use their mind where the mind doesn’t need to be used. They think their feelings/emotions – and that is very confusing for those of us who feel our feelings/emotions. They think themselves into being angry, sad, upset, etc, which is not the same as actually feeling anger, sadness, upset, etc. So their reactions to things, events, situations, relationships, don’t make sense because they react based on a different set of parameters from what is considered by most to be reasonable.

      They can have a meltdown over a piece of burnt toast, and turn that ordinary incident into an end of days. While on the other hand they can be completed unfazed by an actual end of days.

      To understand a narcissist you have to recall how your child-mind worked because they’re still operating from that system. Their perspective never evolved from that point in time.

      There’s a series of memes online created by parents sharing what caused their children to cry or have a tantrum. These could apply to a narcissist too.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Makes sense too. I often thought that the narcissist in my life was so much like a child that sometimes it was a bit eerie… That is the part that makes me want to forgive a lot of his actions… not be in a relationship again, but wanting to forgive and letting go of some of all the cruelty that I was exposed to, cause in a lot of ways, I see them as being done by a child…
        Thank you for reminding me of this…
        Take care.


        • If you can find it to watch, I recommend seeing this film:

          It captured the experience of being in a relationship with a narcissist for me, including the subtle aspects of how they affect us and what is affecting them in chilling poetry, beauty and horror.

          Take care too 🙂


  3. So my favourite Sunday activity, a cup of coffee and enjoying your brilliant posts. 🙂 Ironically it seems narcissists are really ‘lucky’ by never getting bored. I think the whole ‘opera’ art is marked with a narcissist stamp! Lol
    As overly dramatic and taken way too far… I was always like: ‘Diva, get over it and just die, before you sing another ten arias about cruel destiny and that you will actually die in revenge!’ 🙂 It’s like in an everyday reality I would like to see all those characters drinking coffee and having a chat, for example, after being to dentist! 🙂
    Or let’s just write arias for everyday… Arias for ‘on the go’!!! Narcissist or the ones who think they are not would get it! In the end of the day, it’s all how you ‘communicate’ the idea! 😉
    Having written all this, quite funny I like some operas… It’s fun when you have all this narcissist that you described ‘spot on’ and all his friends within! 🙂 Then no one is hurt, your pain is your pain, their pain is their pain, and it’s then you pain… Same goes to everything else… In that case your destiny is ether to become:
    1. Writer
    2. Composer
    3. Blogger
    4. Some new profession that includes being many, yet being the one 🙂
    This post is TOLL (as Germans say great) 🙂


    • Thank you 🙂

      My mother studied opera, her ambition was to become an opera singer, instead she met my father, put her ambition to one side and focused on helping him with his ambition, got frustrated by doing that and turned her entire life into an opera. Her narcissistic tantrums were opera arias.

      While I was a teenager I came across a book my mother owned which had every opera story in it, and I read it from cover to cover. The stories really aren’t that elitist, in fact they’re pretty much all about regular humans being human, creating complications for themselves and others. The book did away with the flowery language of the songs and the distracting costumes (costumes which were just clothes for those living in times they were written).

      If you remove the concept that opera is somehow something elitist (many operas were like Shakespeare plays – written by people for people) and view it as being the soap opera/reality TV of its day, and listen to the lyrics (translating them into modern day language), most of it is the same stuff which you see in popular films and TV shows, and hear in pop music.

      The Barber of Seville is all about a hairdresser whose clients tell him all about their problems.

      Not that long ago in human history coffee was a luxury which only the elite could indulge in, unless they traveled to far flung places where coffee was easily available. And we didn’t have the internet 😉


  4. Really enjoyed this, thanks! You are able to articulate things felt but unsaid in such an amazing way. So how do you think like a narcissist???- become super duper paranoid and that’s where people with this disorder live. It is hell and if you are close to them you will feel a type of hell that is very unique (in a bad way). I recall asking her once, “I sometimes feel like, you like being with me to just keep yourself busy.” She kind of chuckled and said, “I love being with you. You make me feel so good.” Wham Bam! Simple response but wrong response. And why would I even ask that question. I knew I was being used but didn’t want to believe it 😦 It even felt wrong at the time- but many things did in the way we interacted. It’s the little subtitles that continue to add up and add up and eventually you realize with stunning disbelief that what they were saying was not even close to what you thought they actually meant. “Mind Boggling” is an understatement, ha ha-The words Mind Fuck feels more appropriate since you feel like you were fucked over. But then you decide to go through it and heal. It’s hard but worth it.


    • Thank you 🙂

      Paranoia is definitely a major aspect of a narcissist’s thinking. It’s not always unfounded because they often cause the circumstances which bring about what they fear, and this happens repeatedly. In certain ways they’re relieved when their paranoid fears play out, especially in relationships, because then they can move from a fearful position with tends to be needy to an angry one which tends to be self-righteous.

      Their paranoia may make them feel powerless at times but at other times it makes them feel powerful, they like to think that they can see what the rest of the world can’t see. That they have x-ray vision and can see people as they actually are, and the world as it really is. In some ways it’s a super power for them.


      • That description is so good. I was very paranoid prior to breaking it off and after no contact with PTSD like symptoms recovering from being with her. I was super in tuned to things and people. It left me very exhausted as being paranoid makes you see some things that others don’t but it also makes you see things that don’t mean anything but your mind is left reeling that it did mean something. I felt her fear a lot which I mistakenly thought or felt was vulnerability when it was not. I think this is what makes certain people attracted to her and people like her- the mix of confidence and vulnerability which really is a mix of condescending self-righteousness and paranoia (fear). And the paranoia is brought about by their behavior- she was most paranoid when she had messed up or I was questioning her about something that seemed odd. Thanks for clearing that up.


        • One of the things I find most interesting about the recovery process is the shifts from being confused to clarity. How we go from not understanding to finally understanding, and the difference it makes to our story. It’s a clarity and understanding which ripples into other aspects of life 🙂


          • Do you like being clear-having clarity? It seems like you do for the reasons you stated above but there is a component of this clarity that I find really hard. A part of me will always never completely accept it all I think. With the clarity- you have a death of sorts that is apart of it which I think you have alluded to and also a quiet kind of emptiness that is eerie in its own way. You have mentioned how you go through the stages of death and dying (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) when recovering which is so true but the recovery or healing is very different because you participated in your own torture of sorts. I don’t know if that makes sense but that part of it- having felt like a participant is so just so awful in so many ways. And I think it can be addictive- this kind of self harm. My eyes have been opened to how addictive things can be for all of us. I don’t like to use that word much since it’s overused but I am intrigued by addictions and how people cope with life. Just some thoughts I guess. I hope you are good. This place of being healed is a weird one- way better and more clear but weird.


            • One of the things I used to wish for since I was quite young was simplicity in life because I grew up in a world full of complications, even the most mundane details were complicated. A yes or no could become the domino which toppled all the other ones and Armageddon ensued.

              Around narcissists even the most ordinary thing can become the source of a drama or be spun into their endless drama.

              Do you want coffee or tea? – asks the narcissist.

              I’ll have coffee. – you reply.

              Ah, so you want coffee!?! You must hate me if you want that!!! – the narcissist says, beginning their routine, “I can’t deal with your preference for coffee over tea, my world is falling apart because of it… why do you hate me so much, why couldn’t you just ask for tea, if you’d ask for tea none of this would be happening!!! I’m dying and you killed me because you said coffee!!!!!!!!”

              Rewind and say you want tea instead, and tea as an answer will have the same results as coffee. But you can’t rewind so you don’t know that. The point is – the narcissist wanted to have a meltdown, and they were using you to have it. If you hadn’t participated in it or been there to help them have it, they’d have found someone else to be the trigger for it.

              The problem sometimes in a relationship with a narcissist isn’t always due to the narcissist. They’re who they are, the way they are, they rinse and repeat, and froth up their hair again in an attempt to wash it so clean that (they go bald) it’ll be just as advertised – the ideal which took more than that shampoo to look that way.

              Sometimes the problem in the relationship with a narcissist is us – what we get addicted to is how important every mundane detail is, and how our choice of coffee or tea seems like a matter of life or death.

              With people who aren’t narcissists, our choice of coffee or tea is irrelevant. They’re fine either way and don’t care. Narcissists always care about the irrelevant and can make it seem so exciting.

              Albeit much of the excitement is stress and stressful – but still we’re being stimulated in a way over nothings which we never get from anyone other than narcissists.

              Your favourite colour can become the difference between being a hero or a villain where a narcissist is concerned, the fine line between surviving or dying, with non-narcissists… it’s just a colour… and they really don’t care what your favourite colour is, maybe they’ll remember it, maybe they won’t. A narcissist will turn it into something hard to forget (even if they forget, you never will).

              What is addictive is the amount of relevance they give to the irrelevant. They can make you feel like a superstar based on a freckle on your cheek.

              At first this is the most awesome thing that has ever happened, it’s only later on that you realise… you can’t live like this, you just can’t cope with every tiny detail being so important, life or death, it’s frigging exhausting and it’s stressing you out until just breathing gives you PTSD flashbacks.

              Clarity about narcissists, and about yourself in relation to them can feel like a big empty nothing which is immensely boring.

              This is quite a good film to watch about that – Are You Here ( – it’s not about a narcissist, but it is about someone who goes from living in a permanent state of drama to being ‘normal’ and how this affects their life and the lives of those around them. It’s quite a dull film, but the dullness of it is actually the brilliance of it.

              Narcissists can make the emptiness and dullness of the ordinary normal life suddenly seem extraordinary and anything but normal – we love it and hate it, it gives pleasure and pain, which one is stronger and motivates us more?


              • Thanks for your response. The way they look at the irrelevant is kind of playful initially and has a charm component but it does turn into something very different and is very stressful as time goes on.

                Boredom. I get bored easily but also like routine. But routine can be mundane. Raising a family is very busy-not boring in that sense but also has a huge element of boredom to it – same old shit over and over again and as a parent you are the leader of the family and this is tiring and in many ways not fun. It’s not mentally challenging- it’s more mentally taxing. You are having to keep it under control and together for the sake of everyone in the house and there is not much time for creative thinking etc…so I think for me I have learned that I need to find time for fun & being stupid. I am lighthearted by nature but this gets stifled and many aspects of your self gets overtaken when you have kids and are responsible for others. Being in a relationship with a disordered person has taught me that I need to be more free with myself. Let those aspects of my pre parent self to come through. She taught me this through showing me how she didn’t care about anyone but herself. I don’t want that, but I want some of it. I have a really good life and the boredom and stillness out beats anything. I am trying to find a healthy mix.

                Thanks for the movie clip. 2 of my fav actors!


                • As for addictions…Addicts are naturally a good pair for a NPD person-both hiding, not wanting to be in reality and numbing. A sad pair in many ways, especially if you are raising kids in the mix- majorly destructive and it just plain pisses me off. Keep kids out of it if you want to not be present & do your own thing- that’s a pet peeve of mine.


                    • It is. I had never experienced addiction prior to meeting her. I was addicted. It’s how she operates when she wants or needs something from you. She is an addict- to everything, so it’s not a surprise that she knows the process of making someone addicted since she unconsciously is living in this cycle ad nauseam. It’s her only way to relate really.


                    • The best way to gain experience-empathy, which allows us to understand others as well as ourselves, is to experience something personally. If you’ve never had addiction issues, sometimes you need to have an addiction issue of some sort to understand the why, what, how, etc, which others have with addiction.

                      Thanks to your experience of your friend you know know what you didn’t know before you knew her. You have a greater understanding… but greater understanding always comes with a price which we wish we didn’t have to pay to get it.


                    • I would be interested in your thoughts on the TEDtalk named “Everything you know about addictions is wrong.”


                    • I’m not very patient when it comes to listening to lectures, even if they’re the ‘fun’ type which Ted Talks tend to be. I find it difficult to listen to the person talking, my mind wanders, I start to analyse voice, tone, body language and end up not hearing a thing they’ve said.

                      I did check out Johann Hari (the guy who did that particular Ted Talk) and found this interesting article – – did you know about his history and his fall from journalistic grace.

                      I think the main problem when it comes to figuring out things like addiction is that when humans study these sort of matters we try to find one size which fits all. We’re looking for the ultimate answer to the question. And in the case of addiction we hope that by finding the ultimate answer it’ll lead to an ultimate solution to something which we perceive as being a problem, and sometimes we view it as being the problem which if solved will solve a bunch of other problems in our world.

                      Addiction is as old as humans are, and may be an intrinsic element of the human experience.

                      There are many versions of addiction which are actively promoted. They’re not viewed by people as ‘addictions’ but as good habits, the right thing to do, the path to success and productivity, etc. It’s only certain types of addiction which are viewed as bad habits, the wrong thing to do, the path to death and destruction.

                      He discusses an interesting theory which is worth taking into consideration, but I don’t think the other theories are wrong just because this one is viable.

                      Generalisations are very useful, and can be helpful when applied, but the individual case still needs to be examined individually.

                      It is informative to read about narcissists from a generalised perspective, and the information we gather may help us with our own narcissist, but we still need to understand our narcissist and our experience of them from an individual perspective.


                    • This is a response for your response on the TED talk. Thank you! I didn’t know anything about the speaker (Johann Hari). Wow, thanks for the link! That is interesting. I like how you said that humans like to fit the cure for addictions in a nice package but it is obviously more complicated and messy than that and so individual. Good point. I have a brother who getting into the realm of pro running ultra distances- he is sponsored by companies and wants to become pro. He runs races which are 50 plus and longer- his longest being 100 miles. Talk about addictions- as you mentioned some are considered good and others are looked upon as bad. And we all have our reasons for having them- even if unconscious- it fills some need or desire. I am interested in what is the driving force behind that kind of desire or need. Probably different for everyone.

                      After listening to his talk- I felt good- it had that kind of “feel good” component to it. Just love and be there for an addict and things will be better. I think like you mentioned that is a component of it but it is more complex and not easy to categorize.


                    • The ‘feel good’ factor is a big element in addiction.

                      Marketing and advertising use it a lot to get us hooked on products. They sometimes use the feel bad factor first then hit you with a feel good solution to the feel bad factor.

                      I read an interview with a successful app creator who said that his main goal when creating an app is to make something people will get addicted to using, and he updates the functions of the app to keep ahead of people getting bored of using it.

                      And for a public speaker who is selling us an idea (especially if they’ve written a book around their idea and want us to buy it) making us feel good when they tell us about it is essential. When we feel good we open ourselves up to let people and whatever they’re trying to sell us into our lives, and once we do that we feel that we’ve made a commitment to them and must stick with them and keep buying what they’re selling.

                      One of the things which attracts people to narcissists is their ability to make people initially feel really good – showering you with compliments, making you feel special, unique, etc, and also making you feel that they need you because only you can make them feel good about themselves. Feeling good also comes from making others feel good, and that particular style of it is a power rush.

                      But as with all things which makes us feel good, we end up needing to up the dosage. What originally made us feel good doesn’t quite make us feel as good as it used to. The supply doesn’t meet the demand.

                      And at some point what made us feel good becomes what makes us feel bad.

                      If your narcissist showered you with the same compliments which once made you feel good, they would not have the same effect anymore, they’d probably have the exact opposite effect. What once made you feel good about her now makes you feel bad about her and about yourself.

                      There are some interesting articles online about the chemical/physical effects of relationships and of feeling good.


                    • “what made me feel good about her now makes you feel bad about her and yourself”…I like how you include “yourself.” That’s where the real battle is once you’ve been with person with NPD. If I had one word to describe how I feel about her it would be “sad.” Not pity really just plain old sad. And one word to describe how I feel about myself- at first dislike, then pity & deep sadness and now I have settled into knowing that I am who I am, and that’s that- self acceptance. I have a tendency to push the limit and I’m very driven- this trait is good but my passion also holds in it an addictive property. I can be extreme. Addictions tend to be like that- they tap into this nature in us (the excessive or extreme component). Some of us are just more prone to forming them for various reasons.


                • That’s a great insight.

                  Everyday life, the day to day of it, can be very tedious. It’s the price of stability and safety. If we want to be safe and stable then we need reliability and duty to what maintains that reliability.

                  All humans long for safety and stability, and when we don’t have it we desire it with an intense passion. But when we do have it, it often bores the hell out of us…


                  because humans have a side to them which loves unpredictability, danger, adventure, and excitement.

                  There’s a lot of duality in life, in being, and we always long for the side which we’re missing. Finding a balance where we have just enough of both to satisfy us can be very tricky. Perhaps this puzzle isn’t one we’re supposed to solve, at least not in a neat and tidy manner.

                  I think your take on your relationship with your narcissist is a deeply meaningful one. The wild within you needed an outlet and your friend showed you that by inviting the wild in you to come out and play. But it got out of hand because she was the one who was in control. Perhaps that was the initial appeal, but later on it became the main repulsion.

                  Maybe if we’re too ordered a person we need a disordered person to come along and remind us that even though order is a wonderful asset we can only appreciate it if there’s some disorder around.

                  I’m guessing one of the things she found attractive about you is the fact that you were ordered, safe and stable – that’s what she longed for. And you found her attractive because of the opposite.

                  Opposites attract so we can learn from the opposite of us – you’ve done that. she hasn’t.

                  We all need to howl at the moon sometimes, because even when we’re happy being a domesticated human we also need to remember the wild within. 🙂


                  • Thank you…I love the image of howling at the moon and tapping into the wild within, that made me laugh 🙂


Comments are closed.