“I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..
I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand.
Did you have a disease or something?”
― Shannon L. Alder
Some of my favourite memories are of dreams I’ve had,
ones which offered escape from the hell I was experiencing while awake.
They were a rescue remedy for a troubled soul.
They knew exactly what I needed to keep me from going off a deep end from which I could never come back.
Some were beautiful…
like the one where I was a Japanese woman, standing on a balcony over a turquoise sea, loose hair blowing in a gentle caressing breeze, breathing in the scent of centuries past and those yet to come.
Some were ugly…
The most memorable one scared the crap out of me… and by doing so snapped me out of a living nightmare.
A detailed version of that dream is in this post – Graven – A Hypnagogic Nightmare – but if you’d prefer a quick overview of it…
I had a very vivid dream that my body was about to be possessed by a demon, thanks to a trick which a little old lady played on me.
(all the villains in my dreams at that time were little old ladies)
It felt very real when I had it, because… in some ways it was.
Let me just state for the record, your honour, that I don’t believe in demons… not of the supernatural kind anyway.
I do believe in the human type of demon – those passions which become obsessions and possess us making us lose ourselves in our own private hell into which we drag others… we didn’t mean to do that to them, but we did it anyway because we hoped they would drag us out of hell.
That’s basically what had happened to me at the time of this dream. I’d been dragged into someone else’s hell as they tried to use me to drag themselves out of it…
… and I’d been possessed by their demon, their passionate wound, their obsession, their unfinished business… which they still haven’t finished.
“Now I know what a ghost is. Unfinished business, that’s what.”
― Salman Rushdie
I was given a role in their passion play, one which could go several ways…
either way it went demanded that I sacrifice my life for them.
They seemed to think I owed this to them,
that I had to do it and be grateful about it,
more than that they saw my life as something which was owned by them.
Their possession of me meant that…
they would leave me with a lot of unfinished business of my own while they used me to finish their own business…
which they would never finish…
as without it they feared…
the end of days of one sort or another.
“Human life is but a series of footnotes to a vast obscure unfinished masterpiece”
― Vladimir Nabokov
There is nothing quite like the fear of giving up on a dream,
even if that dream is a nightmare.
Some people will do anything to keep the dream… the nightmare going rather than find out what happens if they let it go.
To let go of a nightmare is also to let go of a dream…
*inspired by watching post-hiatus season 5 of Once Upon A Time – where the usual heroes travel to the Underworld to rescue one of their clique… and it’s all about unfinished business keeping people stuck in their own private hell and dragging others into it…
there are a few resolutions…
Rumple finally told Belle where she could shove her sanctimonious – I can change you into a better person (into who I have decided you need to be for me which is not who you are and is never good enough) with my love (my controlfreakery which I call love because it sounds like chocolate… why not say I chocolate you!?!) – bollocks.