If none of this makes sense… you have an explanation for why it doesn’t.

Have you ever been bored, tired, and fed up with everything, unable to muster any energy to do anything,

you feel hungry but the idea of feeding yourself seems too much of a faff, not worth it, and there’s nothing you want to eat, nothing seems tasty anymore,

you’re on death row, tomorrow is your D-Day and when they ask you what you want for your last meal… why bother with it… I mean you could eat all those things you’re allergic to just for a final laugh, especially if your allergic reaction is fatal giving you a last laugh, but your laugh muscles are flaccid…

it all seems so pointless…

and to make things worse there’s a voice inside your head listing all those things you should be doing instead of wasting precious life time doing nothing.

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live without...

(sounds like an exhausting what to do list or what not to do list…)

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That’s sort of how I’m feeling at the moment.

Some of this can be easily explained,

in the run up to now, over the last few years, I used up a lot of energy until at the end of it I was running on fumes and had to keep going on them for much further than perhaps was ideal.

I reckon that at least for most of last year I was relying on those fumes to get me through it… it was worth it, and has had a happy ending of sorts

(why do I feel hesitant to admit to that, to own a happy ending… why did I need to add ‘of sorts’?

I sort of know the answer to that).

But it has left me feeling empty.

I’m not in a rush to fill the empty, I quite like the opportunity which emptiness offers,

but I would like to refuel…

I just can’t figure out how to do it because I’m unable to use the figuring out part of my system due to lack of fuel…

as I can’t handle anything at the moment, it all makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide there, hibernate… but I don’t really want to hibernate or hide… but I do.

As useful as they are, the explanations don’t ease the situation.

The part of me which explained things to myself is now annoyed with me for not being better because it’s all been explained.

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Happyish quote

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Even when you know that what you need to do is to let things sort themselves out on their own in a natural way and flow wherever they need to flow, there’s always a part of you which can’t leave it alone, and leave you alone.

That part telling you to get yourself sorted out, now, which pummels you with advice on how to do it, and doesn’t realise that its good intentions are paving a road to hell for you.

It keeps making suggestions… pressuring you…

perhaps you should get a decent amount of sleep to restore your energy.

But it doesn’t matter how much you sleep… in fact sleeping makes you even more aware of how tired you are.

perhaps by suggesting you change your attitude, change your routine, change your diet, change your hair, change your clothes, change yourself into another self because this one isn’t working anymore…

that just sounds like too much effort and you’ve tried it, the new self doesn’t work either.

Nothing works yet it all still keeps going in its not going anywhere state.

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you are tired

(this is me looking at all the stuff which needs doing, even the stuff I would like to do)

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The other thing which isn’t helpful is that when I get like this I tend to worry,

partly about all those things I know I should be doing,

partly about all those things I don’t yet know that I should be doing but which are waiting to reveal themselves the moment I do something and think I’m done with that something,

and the worrying drains my system even more and aggravates the condition I’m in.

I think this is known as eating bread even though you know that wheat makes you lethargic.

Out of all the human talents which I possess, worrying is the one at which I excel, even more so than making mistakes and misunderstanding things – many of my mistakes are the results of worrying myself into a corner and then trying to do something about it using the prowess of misunderstanding the instructions which showed the easiest route by which to do that.

I always end up taking the hard way… because I thought it was the easy way (and often because there were fewer people on that road and I prefer to avoid crowded places as there are fewer rules there and those things are like legos).

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the road less traveled

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I read something somewhere once upon a time…

either in that book about making lemons out of lemonade or turning your soul into chicken soup…

a short story about a person who came home exhausted and crawled into bed to sleep, but then they got an invitation to a party and suddenly they were awake and had loads of energy.

after the story came the purpose of the story being told – it stated that the best cure for a case of the blahs is to have something new and exciting knock on your door and invite you to play.

The theory was that we’re only bored, tired and fed up with certain things… but with other things we’re not that at all.

Right now I feel that way about everything… sometimes being bored, tired and fed up is what you need to be for as long as you need to be that way.

Sometimes you just have to be, even if it’s blah, and even if not all of you is okay with the condition you’re in.

If none of this makes sense… you have an explanation for why it doesn’t.

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This is also a great explanation for it – Mars and Pluto Retrograde April 2016 Impact Withdrawal

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11 thoughts on “If none of this makes sense… you have an explanation for why it doesn’t.

  1. Did you ever see my question about why they discard us in the cruelest way possible? I said that it seems they take it out on us that they’re not who they tried to make us and themselves believe they were. What are your thoughts about this?

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    1. Yes, I saw the question and replied to it – https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2013/12/26/answering-questions-about-narcissists/comment-page-2/#comment-20830

      Narcissists often see themselves as having made this huge effort to be ‘nice’ to you. They’ve been polite, said and done all the right things, held what they wanted to say back, not told you how they really feel or what they really think about you. They expect to be rewarded for this, if the reward which they expect is not what they get this makes them turn nasty like a spoiled child who didn’t get what they wanted when they made the effort to say please.

      During the time they were being ‘nice’ they kept a list of all their criticisms and complaints, of everything that is wrong with you, and all the crimes they think you’ve committed against them, all the ways in which you’ve disappointed and hurt them. When they discard you all of this comes splurging out because they no longer need to contain it and be ‘nice’ to you.

      It’s like a build up of pressure which can now be released. A boil exploding.

      The discard usually comes at a certain point in the cycle of their pattern – that pattern is a replaying of their narcissistic wounding. There is a cathartic side to the discard for a narcissist. The discard is not about you it’s about them, and what it does for them. It frees them from a situation in which they feel trapped and they lash out just like the proverbial beast that is trapped in a corner, biting, scratching and clawing their way free. The cruelty is a part of the wound inside of them that hurts them and through them hurts you.

      At some point the persona they created which was supposed to be their salvation becomes a nightmare for them and they want to be rid of it. Those attached to that persona have to be gotten rid of too. They want to make a clean break and start over without the burdens with which they’ve become encumbered, but what they do to get it is anything but clean.

      Other people often come to represent the chains which bind them to a hell they want to get out of. They see others as the enemy who is trying to keep them stuck in hell, and they see themselves as the hero who has to defeat the enemy to save themselves.

      The TV series Girls uses the narcissist trope a lot and has some clear examples of how the narcissist perceives what they are doing versus how the person on the receiving end experiences it. The breakup between between Marnie and Charlie is an excellent example of a narcissist being very cruel but being oblivious to just how cruel they’re being because as far as Marnie perceives what she does to Charlie, she’s simply breaking free from someone who is suffocating her and holding her back from the life she wants for herself which isn’t the one she has with him. Later on she gets back with him because he has a life she now wants for herself.

      It’s all about the narcissist not about you, so what they do to you isn’t aimed at you it’s aimed at whatever you represent for them, whatever role they’ve given you in the story of their life.

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      1. Okay thanks wow! This makes a lot of sense. I’m thinking the original wound is with the parent(s) who didn’t accept the developing narcissist for who s/he really was and so they had to create a false self that pleased the parent(s). Meanwhile, everything unacceptable became repressed. So when they have a relationship with others, they replay this same pattern. I must have missed the link before or I read it and forgot. I’m going to go look now.

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  2. Thank you for writing this! I’ve been going through something similar. It helps knowing I’m not alone. πŸ™‚

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  3. I’ve noticed how you’re feeling. And I think I understand it. I get tired and also run out of gas (typical introverted stuff) and then I can’t let myself be tired. There’s always more and more and more and more stuff to do and do and do. We’re lazy cretins if we’re not doing, doing, doing. By the time I realize that I need to forget lecturing myself and just rest and be, I get mad at myself for wasting time lecturing myself. There’s a nice little vicious circle for you. I’m my own worst enemy.

    I hope you get a chance, both externally and internally, to walk that path less travelled. Yes, I’m being cheesy but I mean it. Maybe eating some cheese will help. A good runny camembert. πŸ˜‰ Hugs to you. πŸ™‚

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    1. Thank you πŸ™‚

      I hope that you too are getting the chance to walk your own less traveled path. You’ve been through a lot recently too. Big shifts can take awhile to adjust to and process.

      I think that sometimes we get into a coping groove to get through something and then when we don’t have to cope with whatever it was we fall apart a bit. That’s sort of what’s going on with me. Plus there’s all this new stuff… it’s all a bit overwhelming and my brain is mush.

      Hugs to you too ❀

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      1. I agree completely. When we suddenly don’t have to cope, our coping mechanisms keep functioning but have no purpose. Yes, we do fall apart a bit. The mushy brain, also yes. We need time to process and incorporate and adjust. If you can, take care of yourself and do (be?) the things that ground you, that give you your centre.

        I have one more hurdle coming up – job related – and am gearing up for it now. I am feeling tired, though.

        I have been thinking about you a lot and wishing you well. πŸ’œ

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        1. Best wishes on jumping your hurdle!

          I had a moment of clarity through the brain fog yesterday while discussing things with my partner and realised that I’ve just got mental fatigue from trying to take on board too many new projects, all of which require learning new skills and I blew a brain fuse thinking about it all at once. Physically and emotionally I’m fine, it’s just the mind which has stopped working. I haven’t really taken the time to have a proper rest in ages, and there are some things which I need to process before moving forward. So, yes, I need to ground myself for awhile and stop the thinky planes from flying.

          I always find it odd when people tell me that they’ve been thinking about me, even when my partner says it. Thank you πŸ™‚

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  4. Synchronicity! As you say,there’s nothing you want to eat, nothing seems tasty anymore, and i can extend it to many other different context. maybe i feel like this as I have adjusted so much to others and to many situations that now they make me feel sick, as i have grown out of them- we don’t match anymore. maybe there is a change underneath, but what kind of change, i haven’t got the palest idea. Nice to share this kind of state! xx

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    1. Thank you πŸ™‚

      That’s a good point – adjusting yourself to others and to situations can bring about a state of emptiness, boredom and tiredness.

      It is tiring and tiresome to have to rein yourself in, curb your own flow, to fit into something which doesn’t naturally fit you. It’s a bit like losing weight to fit into a piece of clothing, having to starve yourself of the nourishment which energises for some goal that perhaps seemed worth it when you started but further down the line it becomes a burden rather than something you wanted. A creeping ennui sets in and it can be difficult to break free from it because you’ve set yourself on this path and there seems to be this need within to see it through to its finish even if it bores you to death to get to the end of it.

      For me it’s more of a case of having been kicked out of an old way of being, that old way isn’t needed anymore, which is great but at the same time there’s all this new stuff to consider and it’s all a bit much. The old stuff tired me out and I don’t have the energy to deal with the new stuff. So I’m a bit adrift waiting to see where I end up.

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