The other day I came across a brilliant article which explored blaming and other aspects connected to the blame game:
One of the things I really enjoyed about reading this article was that it…
answered the question which I was asking in my search…
in a way which had me cogitating it all day.
I got so into internally discussing what it had stirred up that I almost fell off a ladder… although that was also down to the fact that I was balancing precariously on the top rung, stretching as far as I could go and thrusting with my arms while trusting my body not to fall even though I’d given it more falling options than not falling ones.
I’m a bit of an absentminded klutz who is aware that I’m that way and really should make more of an effort to pay more attention when I’m doing something which an absentminded klutz really should not be doing but is doing anyway because absentminded klutzes like me tend to like learning from experience, the good and the bad, and that grey area in between which is both good and bad (not unlike a sandwich which is both yum and yuck – the yuck makes the yum yummier and the yum accentuates the yuck).
I have no idea how I managed not to fall after I lost my balance (I even said my goodbyes to the world in a split second – who knew that could take such a short span of time)… there was nothing but flat surfaces to grab onto and those are notoriously unhelpful when you need to grab something…
a bit like blame, expect blame is sticky and will cling to pretty much anything and anyone once you throw it.
What prompted the search was a mix of:
1 – reading the words – She’s the victim (therefore), she’s the hero – about someone who may be a victim but the hero part of it is questionable especially considering the way she (or her ‘team’) is behaving (those words and the behaviour of the person to whom they’re attached brings to mind the term – red flags – to me).
Being a victim does not immediately make you a hero, what makes you a hero is how you handle being a victim.
At least that’s my perspective on it and I could be terribly wrong.
I grew up with people who often played the victim = hero card… there was rarely anything heroic about their behaviour (but those we think are villains often see themselves as heroes) although their claim of ‘victim’ wasn’t always a false one. Problem is once they claimed the ‘victim’ role they used it to justify behaviour which lashed out at others, their victimiser and anyone siding with their victimiser. The ‘victim’ soon became indistinguishable from their victimiser (except for the fact that they kept reminding you who had which role), they did to others what had been done to them (which they said was awful…), and didn’t seem to see any problem with it, or see it at all.
I read those words – She’s the victim (therefore), she’s the hero – shortly before I read a news article which shared the statement given by someone who is unquestionably both a victim and a hero – The Powerful Letter The Stanford Victim Read Aloud To Her Attacker – this is both a very disturbing story and an inspirational one.
2 – a comment I received on a post – Do you have relationship problems with a Capricorn? – (which usually gets queries but occasionally gets a rant), wherein someone accused all Capricorns of lacking empathy, being liars, and being ‘characters’ who are incapable of self-reflection and self work.
Now when someone accuses someone else of, say, lacking empathy, they tend to do it from a position of – I have empathy which is why I know when someone lacks it, and by pointing out their lack of empathy I’m basically pointing out my surplus of it.
But… would someone with empathy come onto a blog where the blogger is a Capricorn (it’s in the post and my bio) and say such a thing? Of course they don’t know me and probably don’t care to know me (considering how many Capricorns they’ve known who have pissed them off) or give a shit… this is the internet and there’s a lot of hit and run which goes on where commenting and sharing opinions is concerned. No harm done. You said what you think and if people get hurt the problem isn’t yours because you’re long gone.
I’m used to people talking shit about my sign… I sometimes talk shit about my sign. Capricorns… are a difficult sign (even astrologers find our sign difficult to write about, perhaps because our ruling planet, Saturn who ate his babies, is one which makes many people feel the yuck with no yum).
I wasn’t hurt by what this commenter said… it takes more than that to hurt a Capricorn (we’re far more vulnerable than most people realise, but we realise that people don’t realise that and that it’s mainly our fault for being so frigging stoic because at some point when you’re sensitive you have to learn to stop being so sensitive or you’ll permanently be in foetal position), which is probably why people find us so annoying. They stab us and want us to crumble, cry and bleed to death (to feel what they want and need us to feel for their benefit), but we just treat it as a mosquito bite (we know you just stabbed us with a steak knife, and it hurts like that sort of thing hurts… but we’ve been stabbed like this before and we’re not going to play your game with you).
Even I find Capricorns annoying.
However this comment struck me in a way which comments, both online and in RL, sometimes do – how what we say about others, especially when what we’re saying is negative, blaming, shaming, and such, says a lot about us, but it doesn’t always say about us what we think it does.
We have a blindspot which… is a blindspot (and the article about blaming tackles the blindspot issue really well!).
I was thinking about all of this while in a precarious position on a ladder… had I fallen and died then there would have been no need for me to blame anyone, but had I fallen and lived and been seriously injured I might have needed to blame someone else for shit I did to myself because when we’re in pain we… can become rather irrational.
Sometimes it is someone else’s fault… and sometimes it’s not… and sometimes it’s a mix of both which can be confusing and humans do hate that kind of confusion, it asks us to do things which we don’t necessarily want to do – like take a bite of our own yuck, we prefer to see ourselves as yum and only yum while calling out others for being the yuck which spoils our yum.
Hope you check out this article –
– and let me know what you think.