that’s all anyone wants from anyone else

thresholds

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“She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer

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If you were to knock on my door,

and if I were to open it…

don’t assume that just because you knock on someone’s door they’re going to open it…

just because you text or call doesn’t oblige the person on the other side of the equation to reply or answer your call…

and it may not be about you, so try not to make it all about you…

don’t make everything about them something about you…

it’s tempting to do that, almost second nature… perhaps first nature…

everyone does it… thus as you make them all about you so the other person makes you all about them… and our connections become disconnected parallel lines often moving in opposite direction.

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“I don’t want sunbursts or marble halls, I just want you.”
― L.M. Montgomery

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It seems I’ve gone off on a tangential line… let me retrace my steps.

If you were to knock on my door,

I would probably open it.

Some people, that’s all they want or need from you, for you to open your door when they knock on it. It’s a fairly easy task to accomplish for them even if you’re the sort of introvert who classifies themselves as a hermit, as I do, and sometimes tells people that they’re anti-social (it’s fun to see what people do when you’re that open about yourself, it’s also rather intriguing to find that many people say the same about themselves when you say that about yourself).

But other people want a bit more than that, such as taking a look at what lies behind your door.

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“Behind them, across the hall, the dancers shattered their roses on the floor, and Aedion grinned at his queen as the entire world went to hell.”
― Sarah J. Maas

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If I were to open my front door wide enough for you to take a furtive glance into my hallway…

what I would see of what you see would be… (for when you look at me I also look at you, and when you look into my hallway the hallway looks back at you…)

slight surprise, it’s not what you expected,

a tinge of horror or some other form of disapproval, disgust, disappointment, not only is it not what you expected but it’s not to your taste at all,

a certain desire to fix what is wrong (according to you) with it, that glint in the eye of an idealist who wants what is in their mind’s eye to be made manifest for their viewing pleasure,

(everyone who sees my hall seems to want to decorate it, at the moment it’s being de-decorated – the other day I was removing grey paint from the banisters which made them look like prison bars to me – and so it’s a bit of a mess, but also a blank canvas onto which everyone would like to apply their paint… but those same people eager to decorate aren’t so eager to help you de-decorate)

a smidgen of curiosity about why it’s in such a state, with an added hint of wondering what I’m planning to do with it, how it will look once I’ve finished working on it… and a tinge of fear that I may leave it as it is (I quite like it this way)… I am planning to do something with it, aren’t I?

and a certain unspoken yet there all the same (micro-aggressive) arrogance as to why I haven’t magically sorted it all out so that those who get to see it won’t be faced with such a sore sight for the eyes (maybe your eyes turn everything they see into something which makes them sore, have you ever considered that).

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Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain. ”
― Ella Wheeler Wilcox

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If I were to knock on your door…

and if you opened your door…

(I’d probably be surprised that you did because I thought I’d timed my visit well to coincide with when you’d be out)

you’d probably get annoyed with me for not noticing what you wanted me to notice and for noticing what you didn’t want me to notice…

I’d be looking at you rather than your carefully and beautifully decorated hallway,

but I wouldn’t be judging you the way that you might perhaps conclude that I am based on the fact that I have dark and staring eyes which seem to make people nervous (especially when I’m spaced out) as they think I’m thinking all sorts of dark thoughts about them, penetrating into the areas they try to hide… telling them that I’m doing nothing of the sort doesn’t dispel the spell.

One moment of silence from me (while I gather my thoughts enough to form a cohesive sentence) and people spill their guts, show me where they’ve hidden the bodies which are now skeletons rattling away haunting them (in the cupboard under the stairs… where all the clutter, dust, damp and spiders gather).

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“I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content.”
― Robert E. Howard

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I’d invite you in for a cup of something but I can see that you’re longing to make your escape…

I mean you’re very busy with busy things…

It’s okay, I understand…

you’re afraid that you’ll never be seen or see again once you cross my threshold…

(and no, I don’t hide bodies in the cupboard under the stairs, there’s nothing under the stairs – as you can plainly see – I prefer to let the bodies hide themselves).

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13 thoughts on “that’s all anyone wants from anyone else

  1. I used to always wash people’s dishes and clean their house when I went to visit. I never thought it was for my own “idealist viewing pleasure.” But yeah, I guess it kinda was. They seemed grateful and very appreciative, but maybe they liked their homes that way. I was taught to always make myself useful when invited to people’s homes. I guess it’s just habitual.

    Now, you’re hallways would be a complete different story. I wouldn’t just go to work on a project. I would ask just offer you assistance. I’d much rather garden with you, play games and watch movies. 🙂 Saw Deadpool recently, and loved it!

    Enjoy the canvass of your home, Ursula.

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    1. Sounds like you’re a great guest! 🙂

      I’m looking forward to seeing Deadpool, looks like fun. I haven’t been watching that many films recently as we’ve been playing the latest DLC of The Witcher. It’s a good way to relax after a long day.

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      1. I think Deadpool is quite an honest film. I believe it’s a cynical sarcastic outlook that most people think but don’t say, especially the twisted like me! 😀 It’s a very humourous fun film!

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          1. Haven’t seen it, but I’ll be looking for and watching it soon. Thanks! 🙂 Here’s a good website that you can get lots of films and new releases for free. No downloads necessary… genvideos.org. Deadpool is there along with many others.

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  2. I started reading your blog about a month and a half ago. I read here and there for a while, but got to know Seashell and silkred and a few others wanted to get know them. So I began at the beginning have been working my way through, and also reading the new ones. I’m now at end of January 2014. I’ve written down so many things to ask you, but figured you have already answered them, and I just needed to read through all the posts and I’d get my answers. I still believe that is true. I’ve been doing my soul searching, analyzing dreams, getting to know my thoughts and feelings through the random shit that pops up in my life and thoughts. It’s been very helpful and healing. I had a very insightful dream last night, and wrote it down and talked to myself about it. I was happy to see a new post today, and the quotes made me cry (I cry all the time, so there’s that). I couldn’t wait anymore to comment. I needed to thank you and seashell and Kim and silkred and the nurse with the elderly NPD mother, and so many others. You each have touched me. I want see how you each heal try to figure this out. My mom has NPD, and I just left a 20 year marriage with a man with NPD. I found your blog because I have 4 kids and wanted to know they are going to handle all this. I didn’t even know about NPD until after I left my husband. But it all fits, and finally feels like the answer.

    Today my heart break was in feeling like I’ve never really been seen. I’m slipping into a deep depression, but no one sees. That was the message of my dream. I’m scared because if no one sees, and it gets worse, who will help the kids? So my question, that you’ve probably already answered is, is freedom enough to stop the self-destruct program running in my head. I’m free now, but still self-destructing. Do I have to reprogram, uninstall, or is freedom and time enough to stop the program from running it’s course? I left him physically 2 years ago and stopped seeing my mom (mostly) about a year ago. Does this seem like a very long time to still be in so much pain and unable to work and move forward?

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Please feel free to ask me anything, don’t worry about whether I’ve already answered the question before. When it comes to life and life involving narcissists we all tend to ask similar questions but even though they’re similar they’re also different for each of us. Ultimately only we have the answers to our own questions because only we know what it is like to live our life, to be ourselves, to experience our particular narcissists and the effects they have on us. However discussing our story with others can help us to figure things out for ourselves.

      I tend to adjust my answers to each person I’m talking to based on what they’ve shared of their story. My answers change sometimes due to changes in my perspective. I learn a lot through interacting with those who have experienced a similar story to mine. Sometimes through people asking me questions and through my attempting to answer them I find answers to my own questions. Sharing our experiences is mutually beneficial and insightful. And sometimes it’s not so much about asking questions and receiving answers, it’s more about voicing what we may have been keeping inside, telling our story, feeling heard and hearing ourselves speaking about our experience, our thoughts, our feelings.

      First off – Does this seem like a very long time to still be in so much pain and unable to work and move forward?

      No, it does not seem like a long time, quite the opposite. And dealing with the pain of the divorce will be different from dealing with the pain of ‘breaking up with’ a parent.

      Years ago I read an article written about the supposed ‘recovery time’ required to get over a relationship. The author of the article said that divorce is similar to grieving a death, and that the process of recovery/grieving usually reflected a percentage of the length of the relationship. The break up of a 20 yr marriage is going to take significantly longer to recover from than a 5 yr marriage. If there are children involved then things become far more complicated because the split won’t be ‘clean’. You can’t just ‘move on’ when you share children with someone.

      Dealing with the realisation that a spouse or a parent is a narcissist (has NPD) is similar to the process which Elisabeth Kubler-Ross designed for grief. You go through the Five Stages of Grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

      Each stage takes as long as we need for it to take, you can’t rush it, make it go faster than you’re ready for it to go. There are different levels and layers to each stage – our intellectual mind can adapt more quickly than our heart to changes, sudden realisations, etc. Our intellect is rather matter-of-fact whereas our feelings, our emotions may find it much harder to adjust.

      Sometimes what we’re told is ‘healing’ isn’t healing at all. Sometimes what we’re told is ‘healthy’ isn’t healthy for us. Sometimes doing what others consider to be ‘unhealthy’ is actually healthy for us.

      Depression is a very hard condition to go through, trying to fight it can be worse than giving in to it – really depends on what is causing it and whether you listen to what it has to tell you. Depression is different for each of us – for me personally it was in large part due to suppressed rage. At its root anger is a primal survival instinct – it’s protective, letting us know that our ‘territory’ has been invaded. If we’re not allowed to express that initial primal anger at having our boundaries crossed, if we feel that we have to suppress our primal instinct to defend ourselves, our personal space, then that anger turns inwards and we may end up stinging ourselves to death when what we actually want to do is protect and defend ourselves.

      At one point during one of my depressive states I realised that my desire to kill myself, to end my life, was actually an inverted will to live. I didn’t actually want to die, in fact I had an intense passion for life. I found all these crossed wires inside my mind. It was as though my ‘joie de vivre’ had become a ‘desir de mourir’ because it couldn’t express itself outwards and so it turned inwards and by turning inwards lust for life became lust for death. I felt that I couldn’t live my life so my passion for life had become a passion for death – I’d rather die than live like a zombie.

      One of the ways I dealt with the temptation of ending my life was by making a pact with myself not to kill myself. This was made easier by the fact that I had a really scary nightmare which shocked me out of the lethargy which accompanies depression. Making a pact with yourself can create a bond between all the conflicting aspects of self at a time when you may feel as though you have no self or have lost yourself. It’s like rallying the troops within, getting them to work together rather than against each other – it helps if you can find a common enemy and that enemy is outside of you rather than inside of you.

      You have children – you can’t kill yourself, they need you even if you may have reached that point where you believe that they might be better off without you. They will not be better off without you. They would rather walk through the hell of your depression with you rather than lose you. And if you’re wondering what would happen to them were you to be unable to care for them – who do you think would end up caring for them. The very people from whom you’ve just freed yourself.

      Chances are your children are dealing with their own confusing and difficult emotions and thoughts surrounding the recent changes and if you shared what’s going on with you with them and let them share their thoughts and feelings in return you might find the sort of support group which will help you.

      Relying on other people, especially those outside of the immediate family unit, during times of trauma, change and stress-related issues, is hit and miss, mostly miss because something like depression scares the shit out of people. They don’t want to see your depression which is partly why they don’t see it because it triggers stuff for them. Many people put on smiley faces for the world but behind those smiling faces is a world of fear, worry, and troubled minds and hearts. More people than we know suffer from some form of depression or anxiety disorder – most people try to hide it from others, sometimes even from themselves. Admitting that you have depression is still hard to do personally let alone publicly, and the general public tends to react with something completely unhelpful like – see a therapist, take meds and snap out of it. So those people who don’t see your depression… don’t want to see it because they’re probably afraid it’ll trigger their own powerlessness and helplessness. In some ways we’re all hanging on by a thread, keeping it together with patches.

      Depression after freedom is actually normal and natural. Think of it this way – you’ve spent most of your life in the prison created by narcissists, living in that system, adjusting to and abiding by those rules and regulations – and suddenly you’re out of jail, free to do whatever you want… but this is all new and you’ve no idea what you want because what you want have always depended on what a narcissist needed for you to want. And frankly you’re exhausted from living under that kind of regime, all you want to do is sleep for a thousand years, and even after that you’re not sure if you’d have any energy.

      When I ‘freed’ myself from my parents, it was great for about five seconds but then I had to deal with everything I’d repressed while I was dealing with them. It was like uncorking a bottle of rancid champagne. I was actually in a far worse state after my ‘freedom’ than I was before it – because before it I had a prison to escape from and I was focused on that. Afterwards… what now!?! It was like letting something which had been wound up tightly for years suddenly unwind.

      Also I was always anxious that they’d return with a vengeance – recent events helped me to tackle that, but it took over a decade to get there – not saying it will take you a decade to emerge from what you’re going through now and embrace freedom (I’m a fast learner in the short term but a very slow learner in the long term because I forget what I learned in the short term and have to relearn it the longer way and I tend to do everything the hard way when it’s an option).

      The most important thing to do for yourself at this time is – be gentle with yourself. Those who have spent their lives under the influence of narcissists tend to be incredibly hard on themselves – which exacerbates self-destructive tendencies. We always feel and think that we’re failures, have failed, are about to fail… and we tend to think and feel that everyone else has it together somehow, is succeeding where and when we’re failing. That’s BS but we’re used to believing BS so… that’s one habit that needs breaking by gradually realising that it’s okay to be a mess because everyone is a mess.

      It’s okay to be depressed because… more people than we realise suffer from depression. If others don’t see your depression, you’re probably not seeing the depression of others.

      Give yourself plenty of space to fall apart and don’t consider it a bad thing – it can be as good as it feels and looks bad. Sometimes we need to fall apart before we can rebuild ourselves. And it may take awhile before we rebuild what has fallen apart because we need to sort through the rubble, keep what has value and get rid of what is no longer valuable.

      I’m learning that anew after having bought my first home after a life of being a gypsy who never felt that anywhere was home and yet everywhere was home… my home is as much of a mess as I am, and I need to be gentle about the state of both of us.

      So be gentle with yourself – give yourself plenty of time to figure things out. Let yourself be depressed, you’ve earned it, you need it, but listen to what lies within the depression – write it out, talk with yourself, listen to yourself, ask questions and let the answers emerge as you do from hiding.

      Your are an amazing human being… it takes time to get to know yourself, give yourself that time 🙂

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      1. Thank you for responding to me. It means so much to me. I remember reading about your dream, and that suicide was inverted will to live. That actually really helped me at the time I read that. Thank you for putting words to what freedom has been like. It’s been terrifying. And it didn’t help that I was dumped in the city where my mom lives. She would tell me and my kids horrible advice to get better. So I appreciate you acknowledging that what others say is healing and healthy can be the opposite!

        It was good to break away from her, but I know she’s just down road, and once she’s done giving me the silent treatment she’ll be back. I went no contact, but she got mad at that and is ignoring me instead. My ex is doing the same. Kind of like “well two can play that game” not realizing I’m not playing a game, I’m fighting for my life! So when you expressed the fear of them coming back with a vengeance, that is real and immobilizing! I didn’t realize that was such huge element of what I’m feeling.

        I did spend lot of time thinking about suicide yesterday. My mom’s father killed himself when she was nine, so I was taught my whole life how contemptible it is-while feeling suicidal constantly. My husband had a similar view when I tried to talk to him about it in the early days our marriage and things were so miserable for me. Divorce was never an option, I was sent back by three Bishops over the years. Narcissists are so convincing! I didn’t know what they were doing, even though i kind of knew they couldn’t have forgotten everything that had happened!

        I like the idea of talking to my kids. The “healthy” advice I’ve heard is never burden kids with your shit, but really, you’re right. They would rather be me in hell than with the alternatives. My oldest and youngest are Capricorns, my second and youngest have dyslexia, and they all grew up moving internationally every couple of years going to “small schools for weird children” ( I believe that’s how you described one of your schools, it made me laugh because it really hit the mark for international schools). They are struggling to adjust to public schools in America. They’ve never lived in the US, even though they are American. It’s very weird, and after the divorce our church community froze us out, which was very painful. I think the church, as a whole, behaves exactly like a narcissist. So I think it’s good we’ve gone no contact with church too. From the outside, we look very hermitty and that’s unhealthy-but maybe healthy? I’m scared of trauma bonds and being enmeshed and us all becoming slobs. So silly, but both my narcissists were clean freaks. I fear-cleaned every day of my life. Being a diplomats wife, the house had to be guest-ready and food and all kinds of bullshit that came with it. Freedom feels good, but I don’t know how to be free or what is normal. I’m glad I’m not alone in this lost feeling. Your blog is a life line.

        All my kids, except the third have expressed suicidal feelings. We’ve talked about it some. I like how you talked about kids of narcissists being programmed to self-destruct. If I know that, and am aware, I can deal right? What will be the most healing for them? Getting out of the narcissist space helped the most, they all are doing better, but as a survivor, do you have any thoughts? I want to “see” them, the truth, not what makes me feel better.

        Thank you again, so, so very much.

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        1. Ursula has a way of writing that truly speaks to others and I imagine will be far more soothing and helpful than anything I write.

          I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone – I also was raised by narcissists – and I want to thank you for sharing here. I see so much of my own experience in yours, they are not identical but very similar. I was also suicidal when all hell broke loose on me and the realization of how my entire life was controlled by my N parents – I remember saying to myself “Oh so this is why people do it?” – the pain was unbearable. I also believed that I had failed my child during my darkest days and struggled with what is appropriate or inappropriate to share with her. I have taught her and still teach her things I wish I had known. I see and hear a lot of “Kids will be kids” and “That’s just the age.” – I think that’s kind of a copout – to avoid teaching – I mean if not now then when? Of course I do my best to keep things age appropriate, but in my experience as an American whose child attends public school, empathy isn’t being taught. Not sure it’s their job, the parents or both is needed. All I know is I find myself asking “Is it that parents are clueless about how their kids behave sometimes or is it they just do not care?” – and I also question if I myself am clueless about my own child. I teach her that she doesn’t have to like everyone but it’s best to be respectful and kind to others. Unfortunately she wonders why others aren’t being respectful of her. Kids say the cruelest things. She handles it well so far – and that’s the other thing – I have to catch myself and make sure I am not projecting onto her how it makes ME feel – and notice it’s not how she is feeling. She just want’s to talk about it, and my feelings have gotten in the way at times.

          I also left the church, went NC with my family – LC with my mom – down to seeing her only 2-3 times a year compared to weekly. She also lives very close to me.

          The cleaning! Oh my mother was a total clean freak. “People judge you by seeing how clean you keep your car, how neat and tidy your lawn looks and by the home you keep.”

          I used to experience tremendous anxiety when it came to cleaning my home, keeping it organized, same with the yard and my car. The pressure of “it will never be clean enough, It will never be good enough.” – paralyzed me at times.

          The best I can tell you is for right now – as much as you can tell yourself it’s going to all be okay. I reached a point where I let everything go – or at least as much as I could – I didn’t need to vacuum every week, I didn’t need to make the beds every day, dishes can stay in the sink until later, dusting can wait. Yes I see there are some weeds around the yard – I’ll pull them later if I want to. When I want to. That’s where you will get to in time. Doing things your way and striking a healthy balance with it.

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        2. Pretty much everyone I know has admitted to having considered suicide and done so on a regular basis in a serious manner, because life sometimes makes us want to end it – particularly in modern civilisation where we have more time to think due to less time spent on primal survival, no longer being hunter-gatherers per se means we have all this philosophical time to get caught up in existential angst, we also don’t feel intrinsic to our community and are more prone to believing that our life and therefore death wouldn’t mean much to anyone. When life’s chaotic, we see no way out of the mess, we see no end to the pain it is causing, no good or happy ending just more suffering for us (and for others through us), and we feel powerless. In some ways the idea of killing ourselves gives us the notion of having some power when we feel completely powerless and tossed around by chaos.

          When a big change happens in our lives it can leave us rudderless. Whether we instigated the change or not we may feel as though we’ve killed off who we were and we have no idea if we can survive being without the identity which we used to have. Who are we, what’s our purpose, why are we alive, what’s the point in keeping on living.

          If narcissists are a part of our life… they may subtly or not so subtly encourage us to end our lives, but make us think it’s our idea.

          When I read the book – Going Mad to Stay Sane by Andy White – one of the things which stood out starkly for me was the part about having a self-destruct button installed in the psyche by your parents (by the narcissists in your life). How I read it was – they want you to kill yourself not because there’s anything wrong with you but because they put everything that is wrong with them into you to get rid of it and if you kill yourself you’ll take it with you when you die – which is a superb and completely delusional result for them.

          The image I had was of the ancients who used to sacrifice members of their community to appease the ‘gods’ – eg. they’d throw someone into a volcano so the volcano wouldn’t explode and kill everyone…. and everyone believed this was totally viable because that’s how volcanoes operate. Even those being sacrificed might willingly sacrifice themselves, seeing the sacrifice of their life as part of the greater good, a noble thing to do. Death is glorified… due to a collective illusion and madness.

          I had a very sharp shock to the system about that long before I read the book and the book reminded me of that. I had this moment of painful clarity where I realised how much my parents would benefit from my ending my life, not literally but… they would use it to glorify themselves. It would just be another ‘weapon’ in their arsenal to use against each other, and use it to lift themselves up in their superiority wars, and yet again all I would be was a pawn in their game.

          As much as I wanted to die at the time, I was rather glad that I hadn’t followed through because… eff them!

          Reading that book made me realise how often my parents, particularly my mother, had programmed me to see my life as being something worthless and how often my death was subtly portrayed as the only worthy goal for my life. I recall counting all the ways that my mother had promoted the idea of me killing myself to me. She was always going on about how awful her life was after my birth, how much my birth which only happened as a way to fix the problems in my parents’ relationship had actually made things worse, how she was stuck in a loveless hate-filled marriage because of me, and so on. If I died she’d be free, right? If I died my father would also be free… and other totally twisted BS.

          There is actually power in suicidal thoughts and feelings if you explore them from other perspectives, from those beyond the perspective of literally killing yourself, one of which is – if you’re ready to end your life then you have nothing to lose in living your life. What I mean is there’s a lot you can do with your life with the kind of attitude which no longer cares whether you live or die. Have some fun first with it and see where that leads, you may find that it’s not you who you want to kill at all but the parts of you which aren’t really you at all.

          Have you been living your life for others, have you been being someone you’re not for the sake of others?

          You could metaphorically kill yourself without actually killing yourself – so what parts of you would you kill off?

          The one who tidies up for the sake of others, perhaps?

          These days when I feel ‘suicidal’ and hear myself say – I wish I was dead. I tend to analyse what it is that needs to die rather than immediately assume that I am the one who needs to die. Often I find that I’ve wandered down a dead end alley of not being true to myself.

          Like Holly said in her comment – don’t wash the dishes, don’t hoover the carpet, forget about dusting, be a slob and find out what being a slob means for you. Maybe you’re just exhausted and need some total vegging out time.

          If others can’t stand the mess, then they can clean it up. If they think that their inability to live with the mess is your problem… maybe it’s time to return their problem to them, you’ve carried the burden of their issues for long enough and that just hasn’t solved anything for anyone.

          When you reach rock bottom… it can be when you find your primal urge to not only live but accept it suffering and all. Suffering can be mitigated by accepting it as a part of the will to live and the challenges that living brings with it.

          I found buddhism – the philosophy not the religion – useful in understanding suffering and pain. A good starter kit for it is the writing of Pema Chodron.

          “Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

          Explore your story, the one right now and the ones which came before. If there’s suicide in the family then that will have bearing and influence – research it. It’s eerie how much influence our ancestors have on us – find out more about them. And involve your children in it because what came before will help them understand what comes now, and helping them figure themselves out will help you figure yourself out.

          You don’t have to be the perfect mother – there’s no such thing anyway. Let them show you the way if you’ve lost yours.

          Your children won’t fit in wherever they go because they’ve had the mixed blessing of a different life. Their school is the school of travel, of changes, of living here and there and belonging nowhere. Public school will hit them hard and make them feel ‘weird’. Weird is actually awesome when owned but takes time to grow into in a way which gives confidence as you’re always up against those who treat ‘weird’ as a fearsome unknown and peer pressure always sucks.

          Don’t worry too much if you all feel like isolating yourself from others at this time, maybe that’s just what you need and you’ll join in when you’re ready… maybe others will come to you to join in with what you’re doing. So, keep an open mind – maybe others need what you’ve got more than you need what they’ve got at this time 🙂

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